Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

The silver lining that sounds so difficult, I hope that he sees what he is rsiking before it is too late.

WMIH - you got get jiggy girl you are a grown up and can do whatever you like. I see it as part of moving on if you can get intimate with a new person it means that the past is now behind you completely. Good luck x

CT10 - I hope that you keep talking and moving forward together.

Me :-)

Well it has been a strange week H came home last week, it was a bit strained as expected. I had got hold of his phone which opened up a few difficult questions. He came clean, he was seeing her had had sex with her but it was just sex, he didn't want it to be a relationship, although she has grown very fond of him. We were in notts again for the weekend and spent some lovely time together and with DS we went to Thomas land which was a great family day. We talked all the way home and he answered all my questions. I have to let it go now and we can move forward together. WE have both learnt from our mistakes and we want this to work and know we have to keep talking and move forward together.
so 8.5 weeks till spain, so excited got my bike out to try and get a bit fitter and lots of good food so watch this space fora new super EVE!!!!!

Wishing you all the very best for the future it will be brighter and better.

I will keep in touch x

Am glad you r all still making through lifes ups and downs as am i.

We have had a few "words" recently about his efforts (?). But 1 we had words and 2 he is trying to do a bit more and 3 i had him on his toes for a while! So we r moving on....

Not been on much as life has settled down so much but will keep looking after you all xxx

Eve!!!! Am glad that you are giving it a go but not so glad to hear about the ow . I hope you can work through it if thats what you both want.

Just remember that you can be the new super Eve without h if you want to be.

Good Luck and keep us updated x

Semper - thank you for that. I can at the moment not it affect me. I hope it lasts that way only time will tell.

This week has been a bit hit and miss as we have both been working hard. Have a day together on Sunday so will plan something for us to do and spend some time as a family.

Watch this space - we both know what we have to do, but also know that I will not tolerate any of the shit I have before.

eve this sounds like progress indeed! I am glad he at least had the decency to answer all your questions - I think that knowing all the facts makes a huge difference in a wierd kind a way.

As for me these days - well I think we may be getting somewhere.....we are having a big discussion tomorrow and will see where that leads......being a single mum isn't that easy but at least its calm you know?

Wow how things are moving for all of you! To those working through it with your H's hope it continues to work out the way you want it too. Its great to come back and read that your moving on and are trying to make things work and that your h's are coming to their senses!

As for me, divorce petition is out finally! I have signed and returned mine and h has received his copy and is FINALLY seeking legal advice this next week so hopefully it will be signed and returned to my solicitor this coming week. He has asked me to be 'friends' but at this moment I just cant. He has said to me how he will always care and love me and will be always sorry for what he has done but is still with the OW. Suits me as dc and I are moving on and looking up.

Had a frank talk with my FIL who told me I am far better off without my h who is even telling bare faced lies to them and is living like a pig in their house(at least he isnt doing it in my house anymore!) He said him and MIL thought I was mad to even consider taking him back right at the start and they dont even know who he is anymore as he isnt 'the son they knew'. They made it clear they are not turning their back on me and have no inclination to meet or have the OW in their house. They even agree with the 'shitty'-as my h calls them- solicitors letters.

I think the only sticking point I may have now with my H is the fact I have had the locks changed and he cant gain access to the house and he is entitled too. Have to see what happens when he gets legal advice I guess.

Continue moving forward everyone. TSL, I know exactly what you mean by it being calm on your own. No one to raise eyebrows or roll eyes when the dc fight and no one to answer to except yourself and the dc. It is more peaceful and I actually find now that when my H was here I was on edge and now feel so much calmer and relaxed. Good luck with your discussion today and hope it has the outcome you want. Will look out for an update from you.

WIMH, Hows things with the lovely fireman??!

Sorry for the essay!

wdyat - so nice to hear you being positive and things moving forward - good on your FIL for backign you like that-fantastic!

Discussion did not go well - it just comes down to him agreeing a date to move home and then a week later finding excuses to put it off again - what a palava

I am now at the point where i really don't think I WANT him to come back. I just desperately want another child I think that the MC is clouding my sense here....

Looking forward to hearing some more from everyone! Its been so nice to see how well we're all doing!

Hi Girls

Well, just been catching up with all of your posts. Goodness a lot has happened.

TSL- do what's right for you x You're allowed time to think about it as well, it's not all about him. xx

WDYAT- thank goodness. Listen to your inlaws, goodness if his own parents think that then, wow. Says a lot for you really that they rate you even higher than their son. That's really quite an amazing compliment.

IWMI - stick in there honey

Eve- HOORAY!!! I really hope he sorts himself out. At least he was honest. How are things going?

Hi Semper xxxx

CT10- fantastic news honey, really pleased for you. xxx

Well, do you want to know what's happened? I ended things with the (lovely) fireman. He was sooooo nice and I didnt even shag him. How gutted am I that I didnt cross that item off my list!! But he had so many other commitments and he couldn't book even a week ahead, so I felt I was waiting around for him. I started to feel a bit like I did with my workaholic ex husband. I thought he might break my heart if I got involved with him. So was being a bit sensible. Damn Damn Damn!!!

Anyway, this will make you laugh. Have put myself on a dating website (plentyoffish!!) !! As Friends. Not anything else. So anyway, bit busy, going out and stuff.... meeting new "friends"!! Being very very safe and making sure my real friends know where I am going and who with, and oooohhh have found a few nice VERY TALL blokes, but one in particular. Australian sweet guy - 6 foot 2 as well. With kids. ooohhh. Might go ice skating with him soon...! He rings me most nights... how sweet is that.

Oh and I like him. Now how fickle am I?! But hey ho!

PS H still being an arse, defaulted on mortgage this month, as halved what he was giving me "because I had him falsely arrested 3 weeks ago". Think I told you all about it, but anyway. Covered it with savings, and hopefully he will pay next month. So... He has no idea he's about to be re-arrested as they have the photos of the injuries and I agreed to make a statement (finally!). Doesnt matter what I do, just would be nice to have someone else talk to him about his behaviour and him not be able to bully them back. Being a bit brave right now...!

Hi everyone,

Glad to see everyone is hanging in there and moving forward in various ways.

about the fireman WIMH but as you say you could have had your heart broken so soon after all the other devastation. BTW I think you will find any divorce judge taking a very dim view of your H defaulting on the mortgage because you had him "falsely" arrested.

Well I had my weekend away with the DC - had a wonderful time at the races in Ascot and saw Hairspray in London (wonderful, feelgood musical). Unfortunately I suffered from a lot of "sledgehammer" thoughts about DH and OW eg him taking her out shopping and for meals etc. I think I am probably going through the depression/acceptance phase of the grieving process and it hurts like hell. DH has been trying to help me but basically it makes him feel even worse when I talk about and he does know I need to talk about it.

We are also having a bit of a tough time with the business and cashflow problems which is bringing some old behaviours back (both his and mine) - we recognise this and are trying to deal with them.

Still going to Relate - seem to have been going forever, must be at least 7 visits and they keep booking us more appointments ! Must think we need them !!!!

BTW MIL sent me a lovely card for my birthday - saying what a special DIL I am etc. Made DH think again about things

Hang in there everyone and take things slowly - it's a hard path whichever one we chose or are pushed down.

WIMH - I think your attidue to dating just now is very healthy - no way should you be waiting in for any man - and the friends idea is excellent

Cto10 - how lovely of your MIL - and nice that you are still cracking on with it

As for me - the bastard has decided once again that actually he isn't happy to move back in and actually doesn't love me and actually doesn't even really want to see his kids - he says he isn't that bothered about seeing them

Oh joy.

At least now I can mopve one cos this is the last time he is going to mess me about. No turning bacvk now - even if he got on his knees and grovelled.....well maybe I might consider it then - but as for me doing the comprimising and agreeing to all his demands - he can feck off

Rah! Hope it doesn't get too lonely :-(

Hi to all
TSL - sorry hes being a git still, no it wont get lonely ypu will get over this and move on, it just might take a while.

Now he either is the lowest of the low or he will eventually wake up and realise what he is throwing away the kids like that, i hope its the latter. Sounds like a big kid himself (arent they all?????)

Chin up babe and keep posting 4 support xx

Me? H is moving back 2moro

He seems quite excited, im very nervous still but viewing it as another step on our journey. My parents been away 4 3wks and the day they came back the tension started which is a shame, more so that i have to deal with it alone but heh!

Kids are happier seeing daddy more, we are away in a teepee 4 a wk on mon, maybe too much!

Keep plodding/skipping on all, wishing you well xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi ladies - where are you all?

Would love to have an update?

xxx

This might be a long one :-)

ot sure if anyone comes back to this thread, DH moved back at the begining of July. It has been difficult to say the least. He has been working hard and planning his bike ride (john o'groats to lands end) so has had very little time for us.
He has had several nights out. His phone is super glued to his pcoket still. All signs that worry me.
He has been ok, I keep trying to talk, he says I am here that should tell you what I want.
Money is a big issue. We have nothing, he has had nights out, and has gone on a stag weekend this weekend. I think he is being selfish, we are all going on holiday in Sept and should be saving what we have for that.
I am letting things ride out til after the holidy, but things have to change...
so watch this space :-)

Well we are still together and still going to Relate - they have actually reduced the fees for us as we are going so much and it doesn't look like stopping anytime soon !!! We must be really screwed up. Therapist has actually said I am not fit for work .

DH is very pleased with Relate, feels he is understanding himself now, why he/we did/do things we do/did. No excuses obviously for running off with OW but he nows feels repulsed by her and his actions and has all the associated feelings of guilt etc to go with it.

Maybe Relate might be a good idea for you EVE - a third party might help your DH realise how his behaviours impact on you and the DC.

Anyway my DH is turning everything around in the business - staff are really shocked (and pleased) at the change in him. He wasn't just badly behaved towards me.

I am very hopeful of a very happy marriage but I really need to sort myself out aswell. Very bad past with alcoholic 1st H and now with everything that has happened with 2nd together with 4DC's with special needs thrown in for good measure. Good news is I have secured funding for DS1's SN college (another stress I had to deal with whilst DH was doing what he was doing). Therapist says I just need to "be" without doing anything eg housework, working, anything.

Sorry for the waffle everyone and thinking of you all .....

Eve. Hope things work out for you and you all have a lovely holiday. Maybe worth mentioning relate to your H and see how things go from there?

CT10, Glad things are going well and H is working on things.

As for me, well I am seeing someone now and all seems to be going great. H is aware of it and we are getting on much better then we have in ages as friends. We have even spoken together about our new relationships which is a bit strange but there you go! OW met my youngest dc the other week which did turn into a row but I just felt bit strange about it at the time. Fine with it now. Divorce papers are out and just waiting for H to sign the acknowledgement of service and then onto getting decree nisi. DC and I are off on hols next week so cant wait for a week in the sun. All is going well really, hope it is for everyone else who used to post here too!

Wow things have moved on. Counting to 10, so glad things have moved forward for you both and h has seen how his behaviour has impacted on you all. And well done in getting that funding, I know how difficult those things can be. Take the counsellors advice, take some time out for you, I know how hard it is, but it is vital.
WDUAT - so glad everything is moving forward, must seem strange but sounds like u have turned a corner.
Have suggested relate, but h doesn't think we need it!

Whereismumhiding. I have been reading this thread as the same thing happened to me a long time ago. I am new to MN and am so impressed with the kindness and thoughtfulness of people who can reach out to others in distress. SO glad you are feeling so much better.

However I would urge you to take care about getting involved with men again at this stage in your life. You have been physically and emotionally abused and shaken to the core by your ex H's behaviour. Your self esteem has taken a battering and you must still be emotionally quite fragile. You will take time to heal (longer than you think I suspect). Would you be willing to see a counsellor to help make some sense of the past and help you come to terms with what has happened. I know that you and your H went to Relate before.

I am a bit concerned that you deluded yourself to some extent in the past that your marriage was happy and your H's angry/violent outbursts were just something that had to be endured. You have mentioned that you don't like to think about this, but I think you need to be supported to be able to recognise and accept that your H was (and is) a very damaged person with a violent disposition, although with a more pleasant side to his personality. it sounds to me like your marriage was conducted very much on his terms and you accepted that was the way it was. I think the danger is that unless you are really able to accept this and understand some of the reasons for the fact that you put up with this for so long,you may make the same mistake again.

I am sure you need to feel that you are still attractive to men (and I have no doubt that you are) and this is a very commonreaction to rejection. However i think you should give yourself more time before going on dating websites and getting involved with other men (incidentally i honestly don't think men go on these sites for friendship "only". I think you could easily be hurt again. I suspect that your fireman was in a r/ship or married as he was unable to commit to making arrangements. Have you considered this I wonder.

Also please do not under estimate the way your children could have been adversely affected by what has happened. It is very early days and your H is still playing mind games. They will continue to be affected and the last thing they need in their lives just now is another man, however nice he is.

Look I'm sorry to say all this and I really am not saying that you should remain celibate for years on end, but I am afriad for you - I think you are "needy" (understandably) and are in danger of being hurt. Wait until you are emotionally stronger and you will give yourself a much better chance of finding a worthwhile man and someone who can accept your children. Emotional strength in a woman is a very attractive thing and you will be less likely to get involved with a man like your ex H.

I am not excusing your H's behaviour in a ny sense but I note that he recognises that he has anger problems stemming from childhood. And yes, that is what it's all about - we are all the product of our childhood upbringing. When you meet the next man, find out about his past. If he had a happy and secure childhood the chances are he will make a good partner.

PLEASE accept this in the spirit in which it is written - out of caring about you after all you have been through.

Hello all,

Last i posted h was moving in, we had a lovely hloiday, despite the rainy days. Came home muddled on deluding myself, h believing things would sort themselves out by magic. Relate trying to bash our heads together!

He finally left our marriage and home 4 good on sat, eldest was heartbroken, middle one joined in and baby .....? Will she ever know what affect this has had on her life?

Am very sad, angry, dispondant etc.

But determined to get on with my life now 4 my babies to start with and then when im up to it 4 me.

Take care all xxx

So sorry to hear this iwillmakeit. Don't really know what to say. Was this all his decision or something you both decided on ?

Please keep strong and concentrate on yourself and the DC - unfortunately they are the innocents in all of this.

Thinking of you and take care.

xx

Dont know whos decision really, he made it but i forced him into telling me the truth about how he feels.

Dont know whether to laugh, cry or spit in his face when he tells me im his best friend and he loves me deeply but never wants to be intimate with me again.

Even worse is the sad truth that i think its the right move for us, although i wish with all my heart i could change the past and make everything ok again. But he felt like this for a long time b4 telling me and has moved beyond the wanting to try stage, cause he certainly didnt despite what he thinks.

Am now working hard on being friendly and fair, a struggle at times!

I will make it so sorry to hear this, but now you can finally move forward and build a happy life for you and the children. Be strong you have given it your best shot and be proud of what you have achieved. x

Hi Girls

Am back. Been offline for a while as internet connection been down since changed provider- Ggrrrrrr! Cant check this website from work..

Anyway, IWMI I am soooooo sorry to hear your news. I remember that feeling of "Oh my god, what am I supposed to do now..", your whole life changes and all the things you took for granted before are suddenly different. It's like waking up in a different world each morning and you just want to roll over and go to sleep and wake up in the right world.

It sounds as if things weren't right for you either though and you will be OK honey. I know that and you'll look back at some point in the future and see how far you've come and how happy you are there. Just take it one day at a time in the beginning and dont think about the future. You're on the money to concentrate on the children right now. At some point in the future, when it's right, you will meet someone who is right for you and makes you truly happy. Then you'll wonder what you ever saw in H and why you wasted so much of your energy on someone who was not worthy of you.

And it's nice to be on your own for a while and be in charge of your own destiny, it's a real sense of freedom. I've learnt that living with a person who isnt right and it all being on his terms makes you miserable underneath in a way you dont notice until you're finally free.

Thank-you NanaNina, I read your post very carefully and think you have a point. I didnt take any of what you said in any way other than a kind suggestion. I'm doing quite well right now. I'm dating someone- the Australian - but keeping him at arms length in some ways by putting DC and my life with friends first so he's very much fitting around me.

I've definitely realised that I have to not put my man before my needs. Hence ending things with the Fireman. Hmmm, yes, I sensed he was otherwise involved... Or too attached to his bachelor life. Either way it wasnt going to work for me, so I'm not staying in anything that doesnt make me feel absolutely happy and cared for. I didnt listen to my sixth sense with H, before I dated him and at the start, so I'm determined to do it this time.

You're right though, I am a lot more emotionally fragile than I was before and everyone is telling me that. I think I'm a very different woman than the one who first posted on here. I do worry about the DC. They seem fine but I'm constantly thinking about what is best for them. Wont tell you what H did... OK, will. He introduced OW (found out he was seeing a single younger polish woman from his work when we were still married and before we were even going to Relate, sleazy pr*%k, what a waste of all that money, it was just for show) to children naked in his bed. They found her there one morning couple weekends ago. One night in 14 he has them over night and he couldnt restrain himself for that one night. GRRRRrrrr, dealt with that very well though - I really held my ground about how inappropriate that was.

I did go to Relate on my own after H left for a few months, and she felt I was doing remarkably well and become strong again as worked through a lot of it. It was funny the only things that bothered me were H's behaviour after the split. I wonder whether I generally process things quickly if I understand them, I switched off very well from him by talking on here and talking in Relate and suddenly opening up to RL friends about how he was on bad days.

It was almost as if I hadnt been listenning to the voice in my head and he'd been telling me I was irrational to worry about that and how I was wrong. It feels great to know that it wasnt me, it was him all along. I've hit my stride again the way I used to be, dating, taking no nonsense ... as I trust my own voice again now. Even Australian guy says he finds it refreshing how open (i.e. blunt) I am at times. He knows I have a three strikes and you're out policy and just asks that I warn him when he does something that might incur a strike so he can avoid any further ones!!

Eve, sorry to hear that H is not being a team player. Hmmm, what are your thoughts on it?

What have the rest of you girls been up to? Sorry long post...

I'm glad things are really looking up for you WIMH.

There's always another woman isn't there. Remember someone pointing this out to us at the beginning of this thread - the elephant in the room - and none of us could believe it of our "D" Hs.

Keep protecting your heart !!!!

How awful the way your DC met OW. Remember mine introduce OW to my DC without me even realising there was an OW. Words fail me with these men.

Anyway, me and DH are still working on the marriage. He is working through a lot of changes in how he deals with everything in life and I'm working through my issues too. Hopefully we will have a wonderful marriage in the long term.

He is thoroughly ashamed of what he did re OW, he is repulsed by her and embarrassed etc. She has been removed from the bookies where she worked and we've been told she will not be allowed in there again (she has been put on relief work apparantly, was lucky she didn't lose her job by having the relationship with my DH in secret as he was a serious punter in the bookies). DH has also stopped gambling but like any addiction, it is one day at a time. I believe that the gambling has been the root of the problem but that came from his seriously dysfunctional childhood and abuse issues.

As with all these things, actions speak louder than words and I can see he is doing everything in his power to put things right in every respect. We are off to Center Parcs again next week with the youngest 3 DC and DS1 will start his new SN college on 5 September - had all the funding agreed and just now waiting for confirmation of the taxi to and from the college as it is 2.5 hours away. The powers that be don't make life easy for any parent with a child with SNs.

Your Australian guy sounds lovely and don't forget you would have learnt an awful lot about yourself in the last few months and will not be prepared to accept second best in future.

whereismumhiding - are you hiding?! Please let us know you're ok
x

oops! cross posted - sorry!
(You can tell how long it's taken me to read the thread in full!)

So proud of you WIMH, if you ever feel down read this thread and remember how you used to feel.