Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

You will have the last laugh ladies. Just remain dignified while you sit back and watch these men fall flat on their faces. Take pleasure right now in the fact that they will. Once the newness of being single wears off and reality hits them they will turn on the charm and try to worm their way back in. By then though you will be stronger and have confidence like you haven't had for a long time, you will have moved on and they won't stand a chance. It's then you will see them for the weak, pathetic men they really are.

Stay strong!!

Scary! thought i was the only one with a shit but all too similar a story which makes me feel a little less lonely.

Not done this b4 but 2 glasses of wine helping! Joining the ranks of the just dumped although he has me firmly dangling on the preverbial string! Left me 3 weeks ago, the day after his bonus, that went with him suprisingly!. This is after a year of trying, he told me when I was 5mths with my lovely daughter he didnt love me anymore but there was no ow LIAR, i found the texts and sent her a piece of my mind!!!!

Now hes left i feel numb a year of strangers stopping me in the street i was such a mess, then thinking all was getting better and then this. I hate the wkends, does handing yous dcs over get any easier? Have roped in my sisters h next wk as cant face it and fear she might kill him, which isnt a prob but might scar the dcs!

Have so much to add but really just want some advice what now?

Is there a way out without losing all my dignity? After 3 dcs and severe pnd 3 times I finally started looking 4 me about 2mths ago and now this....

Oh god I really let myself down today - I actually hit/punched my husband not once but many times to include one each for the 4 DCs. I was so enraged by his smug face telling me it was all my fault, i was impossible to live with, etc, etc. I just flipped and couldn't stop myself - the look on his face was a picture.

It was months/years of rage coming out. There has been a loy of financial infidelity on his part, borrowing money without telling me, borrowing an extra £170K on the mortgage to bail him out, business wise and to stop a fraud investigation etc, borrowing thousands from his friends without telling me, taking business loans out etc. We are up to our eyes in it, all the money I put into the house from my 1st divorce settlement (mine & my eldest DS's security) all gone thanks to him. He's also admitted to a gambling problem that was more severe than I realised, too busy having and bringing up his kids.....

God I'm so so angry and I don't know where to channel it. As I said I am totally dependent on him, haven't worked in 10 years, and I am also trying to look for a way forward.

I am thinking of everyone here in the same position - god it's awful and a bloody mess. I've had my 9 yr old in tears because he heard me and his dad fighting and I promised myself I wouldn't do it in front of the kids but I just couldn't stop myself and my 16 yr old refuses to speak/be in the same room as him and he's blaming me for that too even though my DS has eyes and ears and his own opinions. He is furious too and can't understand if his dad loved him why he left prior to his exams etc.

It can only get better can't it !

whereismumhiding - it sounds as though it wasn't actually all 'wonderful' beforehand. It sounds like you were putting a lot of effort into trying to make it work and be happy with him - when you've had a bit of time, you might actually be happier on your own (and eventually with someone else). As others have said, it's ok to cry in front of your children, it's ok for them to know you love him and are hurt by what he has done - just remind them you love them, that you will not leave them and very importantly - constantly assure them that it wasn't anything they did, that there's no way it is their fault (it's amazing the little things they think can cause this to happen!!).

The evenings are long aren't they - but at least you have MN which is a great way to spend far too much time

You didn't do anything wrong wrt Dh's friend. In my opinion he got off lightly!! He's probably been egging DH over to the single side, wanker.

Countingto10 - it was the least he deserved - don't waste your energy worrying about it. What a complete wanker... sorry you're going through this.

... and a hug for all of you currently going through this.... it does get better... x

I remember that rage and anger - it will pass I have a ds about to do his exams too, so i am so sorry your h is putting him through this too.

Do make sure the school know what is going on at home as i am sure there is a way the exam boads can compensate for these things. I know my son 'jokes' that we need a family death so he can claim some 'extra' marks.

Maybe this will help him focus on his exams too in a funny sort of way.

Couldn't read and run.

You are doing so well, even though it doesn't always feel like it. When you have the bad times, its greiving for the life you thought you ewre going to ahve, when you ahve the good times its realising you will be better off and can have a good life wihtout him. The good times will get more and more how you feel and then when everything is fine, he will come to you and say he has made a mistake and he wants to come back. No matter what answer you want to give make sure you have thought about it before hand so its what you really want not what is earier or nicer for the kids.

Nothing you do is unreasonable, you didn't do this to your family he did, he's got his way on this big thing, why should everything else be on his terms too?

I agree one day he will come begging (or at least asking to come back), and that is when you have to be sure of what you want - you then get to set the boundaries YOU want.

My heart goes out to you WIMH ((hug))

I was in your situation over a year ago and I know how heartbreaking it is, my dh did come back and we did do relate which worked really well for us. I can only suggest as will alot of mumsnetters is to look after yourself and your dc as they are going to need an awful lot of support. Surround yourself with people who love you.

I know what didn't work when me and dh had split which was ringing him constantly and asking him to come home infact it just pushed him further away. Take abit of time to sort your head out and what you want out of life whether it be with him or without him, make sure you are sorted as best you can financially.

thinking of you and hope you are ok

hi i have just gone through a similar thing this week. only he wants to stay and be like friends, which i find impossible. he has moved to the spare room, says he loves me but is not in love with me.i want to make it work, he is rufusing to councelling or evan consider sorting it out. i am struggling to not cry in front of the kids as it upsets them. but it is hard i am confused too

God is there something in the air at the moment with all these men running out on their families.

My H has been kicking off big time because my 16 yr old DS has sent him a vile text, calling him names and telling him he doesn't want to see him again and obviously, it's my fault and I've been warping his mind. My DS sees himself as my protector now and my H is his stepfather and he sees it as another dad abandoning him .

I think I am going to have to cease contact with him for a while - hopefully everything will cool down soon.

Another good point for your list would be to start keeping written notes of everything your DH says & does so that you can show how unreasonable he has been. This could be a HUGE help in the future, when sorting out maintenance - I agree with surreygirl that you might have to justify every penny.

I recently read all through my mum's divorce and maintenance proceedings from the 80s, and this was certainly the case. My father walked out on her when my sisters and I were 3, 2 and 6mth old. He just went out one day and didn't resurface for a week - Mum had reported him missing to the police & his car was abandoned at the station - then he resurfaced at an ex-girlfriend's house. His explanation was very much along the 'I can't cope with this anymore' lines. Pathetic excuse for a human then tried everything he could to pay as little maintenance as possible.

So I've always thought of men as very weak in the face of pressure, they are too ready to up and leave as soon as the going gets tough. They are not programmed to protect their children in the same way women are. I think most women could no more walk out and leave their children behind as walk out and leave one of their limbs behind. It just wouldn't be an option they considered.

?What is going on????????? Are they all mad, hs i mean. Have a meeting with income support 2moro as have no money and have thought about it for weeks now and see it as a small way i can stop his control of me. I didnt realise how easy it was to b controlled, i thought it was compromise but when its one sided i guess not.

Wish i have the guts to hit my h, hate 2 admit this but i havent even got angry with him yet. I'm a control freak when it comes to my emotions(left overs of pnd) and just smile politely and shut the door, prehaps i need to let rip, theres nothing to be afraid of now hes done my greatest fear and left us.

Just dont know what to say to make him hear and wake up, anyone out there got a clue? would love some advice.

Love to you all xxx

I must second the keeping a diary of things that are said, done or promised. I have been told the exact some thing and just fill in brief details when I can.

iwillmakeit, Im waiting for my h to have that wake up moment too. Im not sure he is going to have it. A lot of people have said that my h was controlling too but I still cant see it. Although they give me good examples of it I dont think he would do that. Guess Im still a bit blinkered where he is concerned. I have also rather too quickly bypassed the angry stage and am back in why oh why me mode. I think its because I saw my h for the first time yest and he spoke to me almost as if nothing had happened..talk about worm his way round me!

To all going through a similar thing, my heart goes out to you and I guess as so many people say on these threads we will come through it the other side although its hard to see at times.

this has just happened to my little sister also
they have been together 11 yrs and have two dc
ds 5 and a newborn baby (2 weeks old)
they are still living in the same house until baby is a bit older and she feels she can cope better .
shes devastated too .
hope you and her will get through it xxxx

Am writing a list titled actions and words, funny the 2 dont match!

Need 2 do the solicitor thing now 2 but cant face it yet.

My elder 2 (3 and 5) survived me in tears permanently this time last year for months. Are a bit clingy now with lots of "i love u's" but can only do my best. Just try and switch off the guilty button and give yourself a break. The crying will abate and everyone tells me a happy mummy = happy kids. Know you feel shit now but would him coming back make you feel better? If no then work on that.

Saying that would still struggle with the descision if he wanted to come back as am waiting for the man i married to return, as i must of loved a much nicer person, but fear he has disappeared( and turned into a complete tosspot, selfish bastard, wanker etc!)

Gosh, there are so many mums out there who are going through the same things. Thank you for talking with me, and those who have come a bit through the other end giving such good advice. I'm still here, getting through a day at a time.

I've been at work the past couple days. I kept crying on Monday, but I coped, my work colleagues have been fantastic even offering to accompany me and kids to Asdas, then I went to bed as soon as kids did last night and went to work this morning again. It was easier today, I even did a fair bit of work. Work asked me to go to GP, as I still have PND- that doesnt just disappear in a few weeks, like he seems to think!!!!- to update him which I did today- GP told me it is like a death, it's a grieving process and I'm in shock at the moment and the sobbing on the floor is normal behaviour.

I know H wasnt perfect before. He was slightly (OK maybe quite sometimes) controlling and dealt very badly with his anger. He also didnt know what it took to run a family and a home, as he went to boarding school and barely saw his parents (ex pats) so people didnt often stay in his life. It's like he never learnt to hear other people's emotions or sides, without feeling he had to defend himself even when it wasnt about him.

BUT, that was just one side of him and I loved the rest of him and understood that side. I thought he was this wonderful generous family man underneath. Am I an idiot, was he this way all along or has he just changed?

It's like the man I married died suddenly whilst I wasnt looking and this stranger is in his place tormenting me, who looks like him. His eyes are not the same now though which is how I know he is not the same man. Part of me is worried he is having a stress breakdown. The other part of me wants him to end up in a mental hospital somewhere, with me signing the papers! This is so out of charactor to what he used to be, that;s why I cant get my head around it. I'm the same wife, the DCs are the same, our lives are the same, he is the one who has walked away and decided "he's not happy". WTF??????

My head tells me I have to accept this is happening, this is his decision, he is a stranger now and my marriage is over and dead.

I love the idea of him suddenly realising in the future what he lost and begging to come back. He doesnt ever admit when he is wrong though so I doubt I would ever know that if he did think he was wrong. He's too good at cutting people out of his life. I cant hold on hold even a bit of hope though that he might come back or realise he made a huge mistake, it will kill me if I have any hope inside me. And I have to survive for the kids at least. I'm just getting a sense of the enormity of what I have ahead.

I like the fact we're doing it together MNs. I'm thinking of you all too xxxxx

Isnt it funny we could all be in different ends of the country, but we're going through the same thing and clinging onto other Mumsnetters as a lifeline?

I am so grateful to everyone that is posting whether it's advice, support, a hug or that you're in the same boat/been there before, as every little bit helps me x And that helps me keep going for my DC, and they are the only reason I'm still living now.

you are doing so well - it will be hard for a while - try not to 'think' why he did it - or even worry that he is having a breakdown. He probably will when he wants to return and guess what that will be your fault too because you didnt wait for him. So many of my friends have the same story, believe me the sooner you get on with your own life the sooner he will see what a massive mistake he has made - he may never admit it to you and will try to make it out to be your fault anyway.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

A late hug and hello to you Whereismum. Yet another MNer who was in the same boat 2 and a bit years ago and lived to tell the tale. Am having a bit of a trauma with a new man now but am stronger because of what happened to me before!

I hope you know now that the world is full of us and that we can all come out the other side, stronger and happier. You are young too, I was 50 when it went tits up but I still managed to start a new life. One day at a time is the best approach and I hope you go to bed tonight reasonably calm and get some sleep. x

Understand all your emotions and going through them too. I also want my h to have some lightening bolt moment where he wonders what the fuck he has done but I dont think he is going to get it. Well not anytime soon anyway.

'It's like the man I married died suddenly whilst I wasnt looking and this stranger is in his place tormenting me, who looks like him.' That is exactly what it is like. How can they change so much all of a sudden while your plodding along with family life thinking everything is fine. I dont understand it and dont think I ever will.

Everything in your above post rings so true for me, I could have wrote it myself! Even down to the thinking its some kind of breakdown.

Take comfort from having your dc around you. When my h left back at the start of the year I had them sleep with me for the first week or so. Just to have them near to me and to cuddle upto them instead of staring at the empty space was lovely.

Yep mine thinks hes having a breakdown, yet when i stupidly asked how he was on sun he smiled and said "fine thank you" like it was polite conversation!!!!

Dont think he actually has a clue about what hes done and what i'm going through.

Went to income support, showed them all my and the kids money, not much! mortgage etc and now just wait. Didnt cry just felt not all there, if that makes sense.

Next job (with aid of sis) is to write what i want him to know so that if he phones me weds i wont bottle out!

Got the boys to school and preschool 2day washed fed and clean - thats my achievements, wimh - going to work is yours and thats huge! Well done!

Love to u all out there and your baby steps in getting it together 4 u and the dcs xxxx

Another day at work done. DC are home and we're all happy.
Went to solicitor today, she said DC and I dont have to move out from family home as it's not unreasonable for our size family (3 DCs, 4 bed semi) and that the costs of moving will outweigh any savings to be gained. She also said he cant remortgage it to buy himself somewhere, he will have to rent a small flat. She was so useful.

"D"H thinks he will have this wonderful single life, working long hours as he usually does with kids dropping in midweek and weekends and no stress. I dont know he has realised how lonely he will be. I wouldnt want that life.

I wonder whether he will just be out shagging around or whether he will miss his DW and his DC?
I guess it's better not to think about him. He's not thinking about us.

WIMH, give it a couple of weeks and you will start to feel better. You will realise you can cope on your own, the house is less stressful and you will probably start to feel very angry with your "D"H.

Spend time on yourself, treat yourself eg hair, nails etc. Soon you will be able to concentrate to read lighthearted novels that will make you feel better - I'm reading Watermelon by Marion Keyes, it's about a woman whose DH leaves her for another woman on the day she gives birth to their first child and her journey getting over him. It's made me laugh and feel better.

I'm spending a lot of time making myself feel better, having longs soaks in the bath when the kids are in bed etc.

My H has noticed a difference in my - he said I looked amazing the other day - he's got serious mixed emotions towards me now - I personally think he has had some sort of breakdown with the pressures of everything and he has promised me he will see a psychologist. In fact a lot of people have said I look good in the last few days - I think I have let a lot of things go, mentally, including my H, if that makes sense.

Thinking of you and be kind to yourself.

CT10 you too honey xxx

I think I'll look out for Watermelon to read in the bath. That's not a bad idea to encourage me to take a bit of time & have a bath rather than a shower.

I've been trying not to keep still, so it doesnt catch up with me.

Feeling very good about how capable I've been today, did hire car this week (as I crashed my car last week, my first accident in 14 years of driving), sorted out some house stuff and fixed something that broke in the house. All by myself!

Starting to look more closely at DH now. He told me that the reason he was unhappy was because he didnt want this lifestyle as he didnt want 3 DCs and I've only just got the significance of that. He also said he wants to work abroad and that he liked having 2 DCs as they fit in his convertable car (WTF??!! He didnt even have a convertable car before DC3 was born). I was really shocked as she wasnt unplanned, we spent 9 months trying for her!! Is it really about a car????

I couldnt believe he didnt tell me something so fundamental before we tried for her, as though he started off less keen on having another baby, we talked about it and he was the one that said lets go for it and seemed really keen. I would never have gone ahead if I hadnt thought he was fully behind it. "D" H said he didnt tell me how he felt at the time as "loved me so much he was frightenned of losing me and his marriage", so he didnt feel he could tell me that underneath he didnt really want another baby. It's strange that he puts it like that.

It just doesnt fit together , why not say something so important to your DW at the time (before baby is made!!). (I'm so glad now he didnt as DC3 is one now and so yummy scrummy and he also loves her too). Also - get on with it, she's here. Why leave after we've had the baby, it's not her fault.

He's said a few times now he realised he wasnt happy & thinks he "may have" stopped loving me near the summer last year (?when she was about 4-5 months old i.e. around the time my PND hit, or perhaps my PND started then because that was when he disengaged). And I have a date that it doesnt go back beyond. I guess that helps me. It also makes me draw a line under that a bit, as he can't rewrite our lives before then. It really wasnt that long ago and is all a bit sudden for 14 years together to suddenly walk out.

I'm not sure I want to worry about why he's doing what he's doing. It's enough for me that he's done it and that he's showing me a side of him I never knew was there and isnt that pretty.