Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

WIMH - I'm thinking like you too. What went wrong, why didn't I see this coming etc. As my friend said, you will eat youself up trying to figure out why so it's best not to think about.

I'm taking alot of courage from my late, lovely nan. Her H left her in 1951 for ow, left her with 3 kids (youngest was 3 with CP). There was not much of a welfare state then and divorce was extremely uncommon, frowned upon. But she managed, with cleaning jobs etc (he paid her no maintenance) and he kept coming back until in the end she finally said no more and divorced him for adultery - it made her laugh that her absolute came through on April Fools day ! She pawned her wedding ring and threw away the ticket. She was an extremely, strong, formidable woman and she is up there, I'm sure, saying if I can do so can you and punching his lights out for me too. In the end I think my grandfather regretted that he ever left her, dying within a week of her at the end (they got very friendly in their later years (go figure)).

Try and keep all communication between you and your h to a minimum - it helps. Mind you I've just had a text argument with mine about seeing the kids tomorrow (him doing the absolute bear minimum he has to ie controlling me).

If the children are with you turn off your mobile. Screen your house phone. Ignore him. Unless you have anything to actually discuss with him then let him stew in his own misery.
He will get bored phoning when he realises you are not playing the game. Which it is.

Divorce him, dont wait until he does it.
He is a big asshole. Dont waste your tears on him.

Thank you MNs

Feeling pretty low at the moment to be honest. Been curled up on the floor crying most of the afternoon with the baby climbing all over me, my DD begging me to stop crying and my DS playing on his PS. I cant believe DH has left me. He is so calm about it all. He says it is the right thing. I cant get over him thinking that. I'm on my own now.

I feel so bad about myself.

Anyway I've appologised to the DC as I put them to bed and said mummy will try not to cry infront of you again. DS said it made him sad and DD said she would ask daddy to be kind to mummy. I didnt know what to say to that.

How awful a mother am I? I've just given my DC stuff to worry about by crying.
They all love DH.
We all love DH.
He just doesnt love me. He doesnt feel happy anymore. Shallow bastard.

I really hope he has a miserable life. (God I can't believe I wrote that)

I keep holding on to the thought that, if and when I can pick myself up again. I might have a sunny life, lots of laughter and I have lots of friends. I get to see all the funny things the DC do, he will get to see little of it. He might be stuck in a pokey place, hardly seeing his DC, working hard but not keeping all his money, living the single life for a while before he realises that he is less well liked than he thought and realise he is all alone.

I will never be alone with our DC with me.

Darling just keep going. If you are crying in front of your DCs it is not something to beat yourself up about. You are crying for a reason - best to show emotion and explain rather than bottle it all up IMHO. Hold them close and tell them you love them lots.

By the sounds of it you are going to be strong enough not to wail for much longer (take as long as you need though...eventually you will be able to cry away from them. And rail!)

He is a selfish shallow bastard indeed.

I mean hell, we adults are big enough and ugly enough to take care of ourselves when the shit hits etc etc...but to leave his children in an emotional crisis with such cruel words to their mother really is the worst of all shit behaviour.

Come on girl. You can do this. You will pick yourself up. One baby step at a time. His life is his issue for now. You have your life and lovely children to nurture and enjoy. He is sooo the tossy loser. You however WILL enjoy life again, I promise sweetheart.

Put the kettle on. Bloody well done for getting your DCs into bed. You are only a few hours into this nightmare so give yourself a break.

I wish I could come and give you a hug and make you one of my special yummy burgers with all trimmings. I know it is the worst pain and a horrid mix of every emotion going right now, but you have to live through it in order to emerge the other side an even more fantastic, strong mother and loving woman. He really does sound a shitbag of the worst order.

I mean words fail me...daddy doesn't love mummy anymore??? FFs what a bloody ignorant childish twunt. You are crying because you are having normal healthy human emotions my love.

have a glass of wine. Curse. Thump a pillow. Cry. It is all normal and keep posting as you will get strength and help here.

Hugs to you. Wish so much I could help more.
xxxxxx

Things will get better. You are in a shitty place at the moment but things will get better. You will have sunny times again and you and your DC will be happier and stronger. You will be a family. He will be an outsider. I've seen it with my lovely sister after her divorce. You and your DC are there for each other. Please don't be too hard on yourself.

You are crying in front of your DC because you are hurt. No-one could blame you for that .

It's your H's fault. Not yours.

I am so sorry.

It does get easier believe me. I was at your stage four weeks ago on diazepan, hyperventilating etc - just not functioning. I was crying in front of the kids too - my lovely 9 yr old DS kept coming up and cuddling me, knowing I was sad because daddy wasn't there.

Today I was mowing the lawn wishing my H head was the grass for making me and all the kids feel like shit - and he hasn't bothered that much with them (it's all about him after all ).

You will wake up in the morning soon, better able to face the day.

I had a lovely day in the garden on Thursday with my DC and my sister's kids - I just thought my H is going to miss out on that in future.

I hope you have some wonderful girlfriends and family whose ears you can bend because that really helped me.

I went through this 5 years ago when my kids were 1 and 3. I know your pain and how utterly heartbreaking it is for you. My ex did the same, left for a while (I too had post natal depression) He came back for a few months and I thought all was OK. He then left again and that was it. I was totally devastaed and felt my world had fallen apart. I couldn't understand why he had done it as I far as I was concerned we were happy and life was OK. He also told me it wasn't my fault and that I had done nothing wrong, like yours has said to you. That somehow made it feel worse because it was so confusing. Be assured that YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING wrong. It has taken me 5 years to reach that conclusion. This sounds really harsh but what you have to do now is use his guilt to your advantage. Make sure you get everything financially tied up whilst he is still feeling twinges of guilt. It is really hard but you have to do it. I am so glad I got everything sorted when I did. Get yourself a bank account and get advice from the lone parent advisor at the job centre- not something I ever thought I would do but actually it was very useful as they can tell you what you are entitled to as a 'lone parent'(horrible expression) I know you won't believe this now but your life WILL get better. I would have laughed if someone had told me 5 years ago I would be happily married again, which I am. Keep strong for yours and the childrens sake. I hope this helps a bit to let you know you are not alone with this.

P.S You will have so much to treasure from your children. He is the looser in all this ultimately. Be strong now about how much he sees them and when. You need to have the control. You will be glad you did.
Take care. I really really understand and feel for you xxx

OMG OP your poor thing. I am really hating the idea of your H and I don't even know him.

It sounds like he and the bloke he is living with (I think you said that the bloke also left his DW awhile back) want to live the single life as two single men and go out and have a good time.

Sick sick nasty bastards the two of them. Those poor babies. Young children feel all the emotions that their mother feels.
Those kids will fucking hate him someday. My sister and I are in our 30's and we still punish our lonely old dad because he did the same thing to our mum.

She never said a bad word about him, always praised him to us even though she was dying inside. It wasn't until we grew up and matured that we realised what he put her through. We rake old dad over the coals every chance we get now and he has no one. The sluts he chased years ago have no interest in him now, and neither would any other woman. My mother suffered in silence for years and always put on a brave face. We martyr her and demonize him. He is lonely and incontinant and sat all day in his own piss and shit because no one cares about him. We would look after mum in a heartbeat if she was in that state.

Prepare yourself. He may say all sorts of horrible things about you in order to justify what he has done. They will be true in his mind.

Even if you never say a bad word about him or show emotion in front of the kids they will still be hurting very much. People like him cannot admit that this is totally their own doing...a badly handled way of ending a relationship. He will blame you and say that "you are making the kids hate me, therefore I don't have to pay for them". He will say this no matter what you do and even if you act like a saint and praise him constantly. These guys all follow the same script. Simpletons. They say these things because they want to spend their money on sluts, not their children but the can't actually admit this.

Distance yourself from his pathetic ass as much as possible and love your kids. Happily encourage him to have a relationship with the little ones. They may not realise it all until they grow up but believe me, they will fucking hate him and they will see you as a saint.

And what a twat for telling them that he " doesn't love mummy anymore". Now those poor kids are going to be thinking that anyone who tells them that they love them will change their minds later on. That line will be the thing that they will remember most about their dad, no matter what he does for them at this point. Remember, little kids are not all that emotionally separate from their mothers. Hurt the mother and you hurt the child.

I really feel for you and understand all your emotions. I had a bad day earlier and was seriously considering ringing my h for some kind of explanation. After telling me we was trying and still seeing the ow I have had none. Who did he go running to first? Her. Who is he spending money on we dont have by sending 70odd texts a day? Her.

I know everyone says im better off without him but right now I cant see it. I miss the person he was not the person he became. It makes me angry that Im not to ask him where he is or what he has been doing but he grills the dc on where we have been and who was there.

I hope your feeling a bit better now and if not do you have a friend you can call to talk to? When I felt crappy earlier I went to my sisters and just got home with 3 sleeping children. Took my mind of it all for a while and kids are worn out.

There are some very good posts on your thread and I can read them thinking they all stike a chord with me and will read them whenever I feel low again. When I have felt close to tears I have put on some lively upbeat music and had the kids dancing round the house. Hearing their laughter brings you up and everyone is worn out at the end of it.

I know how you feel though WIMH. I was there the start of the year and am right back there now too. I have even cried in tescos like someone else said all the happy couples started it! There are enough people who have been there and come through the other side much happier, many of them I have read on here...Im clinging to that at the moment!!

WIMH - it's ok to let the kids see you are hurting. I had a horrible bereavement a year or so ago and am often alone for long periods of time with my son and couldn't hide what I was feeling from him. I tried to keep telling him that although I was feeling sad now, I would be ok and that I loved him and he didn't need to feel as if it was his job to take care of me, I really would be ok but I might need to cry sometimes, and if he wanted to cry that was ok too, I would always be there to hold him. I'm not sure how much of that he could understand, being 3, but somehow it made me feel as though I wasn't repressing powerful emotions, but also wasn't loading them onto him, and it helped me to not feel guilty for crying. My son, now 4 1/2, is a happy, confident, caring and expressive little boy. Experiencing a loss and seeing me in pain doesn't seem to have damaged him.
You are going through a terrible loss, not just of your husband, but also of your life as a family. It's a profound bereavement for you and your children and you shouldn't feel bad about expressing that. They will probably at some point need to express how it has made them feel and if they see you showing your feelings, it might be easier for them to show their own. I grew up in a house where feelings were hidden and it has taken me a very long time to learn not to repress pain. Remember, it is your husband who is hurting the children, not you, and perhaps most of all they need to know you will be ok and so will they. And you will. Time heals - it's a cliche but it's true. You are free from a man who clearly doesn't deserve you. Slowly, things will be better for you all. Big hugs.

God it was so nice to wake up this morning and read your posts. I really felt for the others of you that you are going through/have gone through the same thing. You are such brave mums to have gone through such terrible times and survived and kept your DC happy, cared for and safe.

It helps to know that I'm not alone in a funny kind of way and that things get a bit better. This is such a lifeline for me. I can ring friends but I cant ring talk on and off to friends constantly throughout the day and evening, that wouldnt be fair. I know there has to be an end at some point to all this drama when life goes on. It's how I get myself & the DC there.

It's all about the selfish H's isn't it? I was believing yesterday what he was telling me, that I am being unreasonable, that there is something wrong with me. I was such a mess yesterday.

One of my friends rang me yesterday and told me she always thought my DH was a selfish arse. She reminded me of a few things I had mentioned he had done at the time over the past few years that had shocked her; and said she had always felt he was very controlling. He does have a terrible temper that is frightening once he goes off. It only came out every couple weeks and he was lovely the rest of the time and I always thought you have to accept people for who they are and work around it. I did ask him constantly to try to deal better with his anger. I wonder if this is why I am feeling a little sense of relief and peace sometimes now he is gone.

She also reminded me that he told me that he was not happy, it was about him thinking he had a right to be happy at everyone else's expense whilst I was busy looking after the DCs and more concerned about them and looking after him. He has been telling me there has been something wrong with our relationship from the outset but that he loved me anyway and he used to be happy, making me feel that there is something wrong with me. But my friend asked me when he was happy and made me admit that it was when he had the final word and kept the control as I was always willing to listen and compromise/give in for peace.

The last year since I had DC3 I was exhausted had PND and was fighting back when he shouted at me. I've been thinking "I was was irrational and moody the last year due to PND". She said do you not just think you were tired and couldnt do it anymore. She also said do you think he started feeling unhappy then as you were challenging him trying to control you? I dont know if this is right or not but it's starting to ring alarm bells.

MOrning!

Just wanted to say you are being incredibly brave and strong. Keep going, it gets better, it really does. Time is a great cure-all.

He sounds like you are better off without him and I think as you get a bit of distance you will begin to see that more and more.

Keep going, yes it is hard but you WILL feel better.

You are on the way up and you are taking your kids with you.

WIMH - hope you are feeling a bit better. As I said I'm a couple of weeks down the line from you and it is getting easier. The only thing I'm worried about is that I am totally dependent on him having not worked for 10 yrs, busy having his kids, looking after them and fretting about his business !!!!

It is all about them and them wanting their happiness above everyone elses - I don't think I will ever forgive my H for putting my eldest through this hell, just before his GCSEs and with all his other problems (ASD) - I think he will need medication for his anxiety now (he has a good counsellor at his SN's school thank god).

Have a good day today, my H is supposed to be looking after the kids and I'm intending to go to the cinema, with my mum but I'm not telling him that , going to really tart myself up etc. Of course, all this depends on him turning up at the right time (controlling again).

We will get through this.

WIMH, are you me? Your story is so similar to mine. In Jan, my H announced out of the blue that he no longer loved me. We've been married 20 yrs, together for nearly 25. We have 3 DC's the youngest is 7. It was a complete shock to me. I thought we were doing ok, in fact, I thought things were going well. We've had tough times over the years, not sleeping for nearly a decade when the DC's were little, financial stress from redunancy and setting up a new business etc. but the dcs are older now, I was looking forward to spending more time as a couple, business is doing well, I'm working part time in a job I love and generally, life is good or so I thought.

He says he has a right to be happy and seems to think the only way to achieve this is to leave me - he keeps saying he's not leaving the kids! Yesterday he said he had found a flat locally and would be moving out in 2 weeks.

He says it is all my fault, that I am a very angry person. Interestingly, everyone I have spoken to over the last month (I've only told my family and a couple of close friends) all tell me I am remarkably calm and should get angry!!
I have been told by family and friends not to engage with him - I know they are right but its really difficult. I keep trying to find answers and he is very good at turning everything I say around so that I end up thinking it is all my fault. Friends have also pointed out his faults to me but I am not ready to hear him criticised.

Tomorrow the kids go back to school and I go back to work. I am going to try really hard to focus on me and them. But it's very hard, my world is collapsing around me and there is nothing I can do about it. I have asked him if he is punishing me for being such a control freak but he doesn't answer. He's adamant there isn't anyone else, but really I think that would almost be easier to understand. He hasn't told his family and he won't speak to his closest friend. I honestly think he is having some sort of a crisis/depression but as my GP says there is nothing any of us can do until he asks for help.

Sorry you are goin through this too, but in a perverse way, it helps me to know I am not alone or gong mad.
Keep posting, hopefully we can help one another.

Hi Mums

I am so sorry HTGGTT and CT10 that you are going through the same as me. It's the pits isnt it? What selfish H's to put us and our DC through this. All about them.

I completely lost my rag today. Not with DH. His friend (who he is staying with) who left his wife and two little DCs last year. I politely asked this friend a week ago to collect all his stuff (which we still have and has been in our loft for 7 months, despite him having had a 3 bed house for 3 months) and he agreed to collect it within a few days. He didnt then he kept stalling on day/time but that it would be Sunday. I said "I'll help you by putting it in the garden, please collect 12-1pm sunday", on Fri. Anyway at 10.45am he texted me whilst I was out to say he wasnt coming at agreed 12 but at 11am, I texted back to say I was out and wouldnt be back until 12 as we'd agreed. He said well I cant do it today then as I have plans later. (probably OW)

So I stormed back early as I'd got most of it out of the loft myself already into the garden but couldnt do the very heavy stuff still in my loft.

He's very controlling too, I have 3 DC, my DH has just left us and I asked him very reasonably to help me by moving his stuff so I could fit DH's stuff in my OWN loft. He told me I was being unreasonable and he works (weekdays) so he couldnt "just fit around" me. It was OK for him to expect me to change my plans around him??? Tosser. I blew up at him and practically threw his stuff at him.

At least it's gone now. And DH and tossfriend are probably slating me right now. They can be birds of a feather together.

Am I allowed to be angry sometimes? I suspect tossfriend got some of my anger at DH.

Wow. I am really surprised at my behaviour earlier and my rant. It's not how I would normally deal with something.

I guess I must be really angry today.

I'm never normally anything but polite and accomodating.

Well I think that's brilliant and I for one think you should stay angry when it comes to anything to do with your H, including his friend! Good for you for sticking up for yourself. Keep up the good work!

WIMH - good on you. Tossfriend sounds like, well, a complete tosser. Did it feel good to yell at him at the time? Don't feel shocked by your behaviour - or at least not negatively so - why should you always be reasonable, understanding, compromising? FFS, you're the one who has been walked out on! It sounds like it's time to put the shoe on the other foot and start kicking some arses with it!

Anger is good! Shows you are going through the normal feelings.

I suspect he either has a NW or is intending to live the bachelor life with his friend. It all must sound so good when you feel 'trapped', but, I'll bet a tenner that he will be whining to come back soon.

Ahh, it was so good to hear other mums say that my outburst was OK.
I just spoke to the mum of our (very rational) couple friend earlier and she said she would have lost it even more with tossfriend and that his behaviour was deliberately done to wind me up. She said I was totally reasonable to get p*ed off with him and no one will think any different as they all know how he is.

DH has just come to collect DC for 2 hours. I have told him he is not allowed to come to the door, he has to stand near the gate, to avoid any opportunity for him to shout at me. It was great to say - Stay there dont come any closer!! - not a long term plan I understand. But I want as little contact with DH as possible now. I dont want to know anything about his new shallow life. All he has to do is be nice to the children and I expect him to pay us maintanence.

I cant believe he doesnt realise how much he is going to lose by all of this. No wife to run things for him in his life. No funny stories at the end of the day about the little things the DCs have done. No dinners, laundry or letters sorted out for him. None of those warm things that make you cosy that a wife does for you. No garage to tinker in.

No one who knows us will ever really respect him again. He's going to be so profoundly lonely but he doesnt realise it yet. I am finding out that all "our" friends are "my" friends and that some of them never really liked him. Oh I am mad today.

WIMH,this is all so familar. Everyone tells me he has so much more to lose than me. Rationally I know this is true but it doesn't make things any easier. I'm not ready to wish bad things on him - although I can see that day is getting closer. I don't think he realises that he is losing my respect and as you say, the respect of everyone around him.

If he is being as irrational at work as he is being with me then I really think he will lose his business. But everything else in his life seem to be fine - it's only me that is the problem.

My H has just turned 47 - sometimes I think it's just a midlife crisis. Last night he got dressed up and went out at 10pm and returned at 2.15am. I think he may have gone to the local nightclub. He didn't do that kind of thing when he was 27. He's pathetic really, but he just can't see it. What is it with these men - could it be their hormones???

Really I will be glad in a way when he moves out. At least then I won't be lying in bed at night wondering if he is coming home. He can go home to his cold empty flat and see how wonderful life really is.