Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

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This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

WDYAT That is terrible!!! God that's like an episode of Corrie. What was he thinking??? He seems to have become a low life to do something so sordid..Sudocream?! It's hardly romantic love is it? Glad you're in a clearer space now and that in a funny way it helped you.. Big shame but your H is entirely responsible for his own behaviour and what he has done to his marriage and DC. Not you. You keep your dignity as you are, and live your life without H in a much happier better way.

Eve You'll be OK honey, I can tell... You're really strong, gorgeous, sweet and feisty. You will find someone who deserves you but concentrate on you at the moment. xxx

Well girls. Want to hear my shocking weekend? H was arrested on Saturday for assulating me, he stormed past into the house and wouldnt leave then kept grabbing me pulling me around. All this infront of the children. DD2 and DS1 were really distressed and worried about mummy. DD2 refused to get in his car, so he screeched off (despite me asking him to wait until police arrived and calm down) with DS1 and DD3 (baby) in his car and the police were looking for him until he came back. DD2 was hysterical at being left behind but not wanting to go. He was totally out of control.

It was like someone had dropped me into Eastenders. I always thought soaps were grossly exagorated. I suspect he'd been drinking on friday night and was hungover and wound up about something.

Anyway I asked the police not to arrest him and refused to give statement etc. But they did anyway. That was indescribably shocking for me. He went off in police car to station. But they rang me back 3 hours later to say they have dropped the case for lack of evidence after interviewing him (he denied it etc - but I had red marks on my arms which are now finger bruises so I dont doubt they believed me)

Anyway, it's on record now so I guess a line in the sand has been drawn. The police told me that H was told by them to stay away from my house and he cannot pick up the DC from my house anymore. So... it'll be contact centre now once sort that out.

In some ways I feel this sense of relief, as I just want him to leave me alone and would feel much better if I never saw him again.. DC fine but not me. It's like he can't let go. He seems to be so out of contrl. Like the debt I've discovered he's run up. The thing is he is soo controlled and manipulative in some ways, he can lose his rag, go extreme, then snap out of it. He did when police arrived and probably charmed them and seemed so plausible.

I think that frightens me more than anything. It's not like a genuine losing your temper, and then realising afterwards, he covers instantly with all smiles and "hello officer how can I help you". You should have seen his eyes flash when they arrested him. it's all so controlling. So I feel intimidated as he equally switches into a rage quickly when he sees me. You would think I'D had an affair the way he behaves.

I think he is p**sed off at the divorce petition- and yet it was so mild. Oh by the way he is contesting the divorce... as he hasnt behaved unreasonably...!! ???
Claerly he's not helped his case at all yesterday. He seethes underneath, that's the problem.

So I had the DC all yesterday and last night, we had a lovely day watching DS1's football tournament and he got a medal, I took some lovely photos and the girls and I trundled and cheered on side lines. Then we watched night at the museum and ate popcorn last night. We had fab day which H missed out on. So anyway Fathers Day today, they went off with him via neighbours house this morning.... I even did lovely photos of kids for him for F/D. It doesnt matter what I do or agree to, he is never happy. Nothing seems to settle H.

OMG, you have all been living soap operas atm haven't you and I thought my life was like one too. I hope you are all recovering from your ordeals and hopefully seeing your Hs for the controlling human beings they are.

Well, I had a good time at Centre Parcs. It gave H time to think about what he had done, what he had almost lost and what he had done to his family. He had buried himself in work and the business so he didn't really have to think about things IYSWIM. Anyway I needed to see him feel some of the pain I have and am still feeling which he is doing. He can't believe what he had done and cringes and shudders at the thought of OW now (and boy, was she minger) and how manipulative she was and how he fell for it (but he also takes responsibility because he could have said no although he has gone through a breakdown so don't think mentally he could have made the decision). I am beginning to see the man I fell in love with again and we are both beginning to heal with the help of the therapy which I would recommend to everyone whether you intend to get back with your H or not.

I wish you all good luck with your present problems.

WIMH, I am also sporting the finger mark bruises..not good is it. My dc was screaming too seeing H push,pull and throw me around. My H looses his temper like that too, gets really angry then in a hour or two is 'im so sorry' etc.

I hope he keeps away from you now.

WDYAT & WIMH - my heart goes out to you both. I know that this is something that you didn't want to happen and I am so sorry that it has. I hope that it gives you both the resolve to keep moving forward into yuor new lives and that going to be so much better and brighter.

Couting to ten - that sounds great I am so glad that you managed to spend some time together and hope that you keep moving forward together.

Nothing to report here - had a weekend at my mum's. I am shattered DS didn't sleep well so I put him in child care today and have slept all morning.....lovely. H bank keep phoning here so that must mean he is not managing his money....not sure when we are seeing him again, had little contact since we saw him on Wed. I have reminded him that he is to have DS ALL weekend next weekend. Can't wait!!!

ladies I have been AWOL having real problems logging into mumsnet - it just kept crashing my internet explorer which is wierd. I hope this posts ok as I cannot believ what you guys have been putting up with in my absence. I am so sorry you have had to put up with fingers marks WDYAT and WIMH. Thats disgusting

Good tho to see eve, WIMH and WDYAT sounding so positive about their situations depsite everything!

C210 - wow things have come along way for you and DH thats for sure - glad soem time away was useful and its a credit to your strength and forgiveness that you are working this through with him.

As for me - the miscarriage left me reeling especially as H just kind of left me to it while it was happening - no sympathy or anything and that really hurts.

He wants to move in with us - he thinks now I am sorting my life out I am ok to be with again......I feel really confused and wonder if I would be a total muppet to have him back - after all what happens if I lose the plot or have PND or lose my business or something equally hidious - will he leave us again cos I am not "fun" to be around during that time?.....

Ladies I am really glad I have been able to get back on and see how you are doing - I thought about you all alot and wondered how things were going.....

Stay strong ladies xxx

Hi All

silverlining still thinking of you after your miscarriage... such a sad thing. Are you doing OK? It's hard to be able to trust H again after him leaving... it's all the unknown again isnt it. You needed him and found him wanting. But I hope you can work together to get over it. There is always hope, while you are still working on it honey xxx

Eve hmmmm calls from his bank? Oooooh girl what are you going to do next weekend without DS??? Are you going on another date?? I think you should.... I'm terrible for leading people astray... I know we ought to sit at home and look after our children and just be mums. But I tell you, it feels good to be out and about having fun again

WDYAT I am so sorry you had the same experience, it's frightenning. Have you tought about ringing the DV helpline? Will find number for you.

Gorgeous fireman still gorgeous. He's texted me 2x today and phoned me and is just returning to the station right now, having dealt with a tire and bush fire down by the river... Ooooohhh, he could talk shop to me all night. I just go weak at the knees! (OK, perhaps I should admit to a thing about firemen, policemen and men in uniform in general.....)

As for H. Well, been to GP, Children (Social) Services as welfare report made on my children by police as standard practice (because of Police arresting H and children seeing incident leading to arrest, it's a protective thing for the mum and DC), back to police station today AND then also to solicitors. And upshot is ..... going to get a lot of help dealing with nasty H behaviour. Have to make statement tomorrow (solicitor talked me into it) and they will be rearresting H this week. OMG. I am a bit scared of what he might do now to retaliate as I dont doubt for a second that he's seething underneath but he will get even worse when he finds out what is about to happen (re-arrested and possibly charged)
Goodness, all for a few bruises. I keep thinking that's nothing to what he's done before... He will also think it's nothing and be annoyed to be pulled up on it.

He didnt turn up for mediation this morning anyway, C&F (Soc services) manager talked to me at length this morning about protecting the DC (from H, not from me!) and that they will be addressing it with him directly and challenging him (i.e. I dont have to do it myself anymore but be interesting to see if he keeps his temper with another woman challenging him).

He cant keep threatenning me with money either as solicitor said if he tries to default on the mortgage we will go to court and get enough to cover it taken directly out of his wages!!! She said it wont look good for him any of what he has just done as a caring father would have been more intersted in leaving with his DC for their lovely weekend together as DC were outside getting into car, than instead spending his time trying to force his way into house , she said it is clear he is using contact with children as a route to getting at me and a judge would see it that way, otherwise he would have chosen another time or just left with DC. She's right.

I am so grateful that the police told him that he's not allowed to come back to my house again. I feel free!!

PS. Bought gorgeous skirt today, all girlie blue and pretty flowers around the hem of it. Painted my toenails pink. Have been wearing strappy heels a lot recently. (It wasnt for a man, as was doing all this before met fireman)

I have this big smile on my face a lot of the time, didnt realise that i was missing out on so much of life spending my time looking after notsoD H and DC. Now still looking after DC and house on my own, but life is so much easier. I keep expecting it to be harder.. but it's not.

WIMH - you are an inspiration lady! Thanks for your kind thoughts - I am at the stage you are (although sadly not with gorge fireman in the wings!!) in terms of keep waiting for life to be harder but it still keeps getting easier.

I am not sure if I could cope with his man-child behaviour if he came home.....life is all shiny and fun and calm.......but ok maybe a little lonely....
And don't you ever say "just for a few bruises"

He was bang out of order has been for bloody ages and deserves everything he gets coming to him don't you dare feel bad about that!

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!! What has been happening to all you lovely ladies whilst I have been away??

WIMH - I am shocked beyond belief at how things have turned? What the hell does he think he is playing at? I know I referred to him as having control issues earlier but I didn't think it would end up like that - the utter utter idiot . Just a few bruises? There shouldn't be any bruises at all, cor, I am fuming. How bloody dare he and in front of the dc's - flipping idiot. Am so glad that it was reported, he needs to know he cannot go on like this. Keep us updated as to how things progress. It is assault, pure & simple and whilst I am sure you wish him no harm, he does deserve to be reprimanded for that.

WDYAT - same for you too - what are these men thinking of?

Things still okay here, I haven't been on for a while as we have had a stressful time of it recently (external issues) that we have been building up to (one of the main causes of our issues I think), but it went well & the right outcome was achieved so that has taken a load off.

Then I was 30 the other day so have had family & friends visiting so have not been on MN for ages. Good to see you all coping so well.

Eve - get yourself on another date & have fun. Buggar your (d)h, you can still hope he changes his mind but have fun at the same time. That way if he doesn't come back, you know you have wasted no time in trying to get your life back.

Hugs to all x

Hi MNs

All Ok today, been organising things with solicitor and still waiting for police to take statement but they took photos on Wed of the bruises on my arm. Am resigned to fact I have to make statement so will just get on with it.

Semper Happy Birthday! 30 is a special one. Glad things are good with you xxxx

silverlining Glad you are feeling more positive. I liked your phrase "Man-child behaviour" I think that captures it really well!

Did I tell you I have changed H's name to Kevin the Teenager in my mobile phone? So that name flashes up and puts a smile on my face before I even look at the text or hear from him. (Well at least until I see the text he has sent). He got worse this week and I had a meltdown on Wed morning at work, couldnt stop crying after he sent (yet) another email to my work address. My managers sent me home and are blocking his email address to my work now. And I am taking steps to make me safer in other ways. Yes, I agree, I realise he has gone too far, and nothing I do is managing to calm down his behaviour. So yes, am speaking to police and other agencies to get him to back off.

Aside from that my 3 DC are as gorgeous as ever and it was great not having midweek contact this week as kids slept better in the evening. We went instead to outdoor paddling pool yesterday after school with big sandpit, you can imagine how much fun a 6, 5 and 1 1/2 year old had! They went for a "paddle" in the paddling pool but strangely enough both ended up sopping wet in their school uniforms!! Bad Mum!! I should have just stripped them down to their pants, but hey ho..!

Meeting gorgeous fireman next on Sunday evening. Gorgeous fireman is getting more lovely by the week. xx Am going out bowling tomorrow with work (only couple hours) then out for curry with other mum friends on Sat. So have to find babysitters.

Well it would seem you lot cant be left alone for a minute can you!

All sounds yuk and i echo everyone elses shock but am glad its kinda helping you move forward.

H been coming over regular, aiming to move back in in 4 wks, have a big wkend coming up as baby will be 1. Will see how we get through that and how i cope with him staying 2 nights!

Biggest prob still looming is my family, who are my lifeline in all this and how they and h come to a civil relationship............?
Maybe by babys 21st!

Relate still helping and am on waiting list 4 drs counsellor just 4 me which i hope will help me change the crappy patterns of behaviour we r in.

Weird how things are easier 4 me 2 without him, and im happier as a result - need to somehow hang onto that me as we become us again!

Love to you all and i hope things settle down for you wimh and wdyat, take care all xxx

Semper: I hope you had a lovely birthday and done something special.

WIMH: I am sorry you have had a tough week with your H. Did make me laugh about the name change in your mobile! Hopefully your H will start to back off now and leave you and your dc to get on with things. Make sure you have fun Sunday with your lovely firemen you deserve it after the week you have had.

IWMI: Glad everything is going along ok and relate is helping. I am sure your family will make an effort with your H for the sake of your dc. Its hard as they just dont want you to be hurt again.

TSL: I hope you and your H can work things out. I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage and hope your doing ok.

CT10: Sounds like you are making progress with your H, hope it continues and you both manage to work through it all. It sounds like things are looking up.

As for me, since h's 'incident' last week I have managed to not talk to him. I sent him a detailed email of contact for the summer holidays and have started to move the household bills over into my own account so I dont have to rely on him too much. Communication has really only been through text message. He has been trying to open conversation but I just answer to the point and if he replies just ignore it. He was here last night to take dc2 to his swimming lessons and managed to not let him into the house(he had been coming in and being far too comfortable!) and do handover outside. I could hear him asking and asking dc1 if he wanted to go and watch and dc1 saying no over and over again.

When he dropped dc2 back he asked if he could have them all Saturday, told him no its my weekend and we have plans(we do) so next time he will see them will be next Thursday. He wasnt too happy about that as he has pretty much had free reign with midweek contact due to us 'talking'. He made this situation though so he can deal with it. Dc and I all walked back into the house laughing and joking about something while he was sat in the car looking a mess.

I do feel so much stronger about everything now and I dont spend my evenings wondering if he is with ow or what they are upto. Still no divorce petition out and its now 5 weeks down the line. Going to get on to them today and chase it up. Everyone has been saying that this is the time now that he will start wanting to come back as I clearly mean business this time, but instead of clinging onto that as hope he will be back now I just think 'NO WAY!'

Just a quick one as I am so confused it is driving me mad..

DH had a accident on Tues AM - nothing serious but has been at sick bay (MOD) and in a lotof pain. He has text alot but we haven't been able to see him.

He phoned yesterday and asked if I wanted to go to Notts for the weekend (family) I asked why. I thinking he has something planned and needs me to drive.
He said he wants to spend sometime together and has missed me.
I have been up most of the night trying to make sense of it all.
3 months of nothing and all of a sudden this?
I don't know if I want this now.

Am going to see how the weekend goes but not sure if it is what I want.

Wow I have turned a corner.

Hugs for everyone x

Eve Hmmmm H is confusing. Wonder what he is thinking. Why are you driving him up to Nottingham? If he wanted to spend time together you could just stay local. (That'd scupper any plans he had?)

You could always go & abandon him there if he misbehaves!

WDYAT you cant ever take him back now he's physically hurt you. Glad you're seeing how sad & lonely his new life is compared to your warm one. Good for you girl, to start setting your own boundaries, and say hang on, that doesnt suit ME (or the DC). He will have to work around you now. It feels good doesnt it?

iwmi glad to hear your good news honey xx

As for me. Well am definitely happier without H now I know who he really is. I'm lucky to have found out now, whilst the DC are still young. I was in love all those years with a man who wasnt real. So, all those times I couldnt understand why I felt frustrated with him and let down (the not getting up in the night ever, the selfish behaviour) well I realise now, it wasnt me expecting perfection but the fact he loved himself more than the DC and me, and could never be the right man for me.

I really thought I had picked a good one. Everything he has done on the run up to, and since, has convinced me, he is a poor excuse for a man and that I deserve so much better, just more of a man. So good luck to him in his new life. I genuinely dont care, I've no interest at all in what he is doing or who he is with. Only that I dont have to live within his shallow little world anymore, I can rejoin the real wonderful geniune world.

I think I will have a wonderful life. (Fireman or no fireman!!). Planning on doing things that make me happy for a change. That suit the DC. And no one ever, ever ever will push their way into the centre of our worlds again and control or take more than they give to us.

I feel free for the first time in years. And the world feels terrific. Full of hope. I get a chance to start again but get it right next time. And wear girly skirts and high heels whilst I'm doing it!! (And lacey black knickers as well of course!!!)

(The knickers thing, is because FINALLY I've thrown away all my maternity knickers!!!!!)

Hooray, burn them!!!

Not having any more DC. Just me and the little 3 muskateers. I like the gang we have now. No one will ever get inbetween us.

Had a lovely wked 2gether, he mentioned that my best mate had a "word", bless her, it just saddens me that none of his have yet, or maybe never will.

Wdyat - am glad to hear your happier, keep going x

Eve - a strange one there, prehaps he had a shock? Did you go, how was it?

Wimh - hmmm, maternity undies! Have been out and brought me new lovely bras and undies... oh yeh and new tops and skirts and trousers... oops have gone a little crazy, but have gone down 2 dress sizes so am able to excuse myself! Its a great feeling isnt it!

Baby girl been sobbing 4 ages, need to go and deal will look in later.

Take care all xxx

WIMH - so pleased to hear you feel free, I can so see where you are coming from. Over the last few weeks, I have relaxed and so has DS, I can do what I like and with whoever I like :-)

I have been wanting H to come home and try, I have the chance now so why aren't I jumping up and down.

He wanted us to spend sometime together, in Notts his mum can have Ds and we got to lie in, go shopping have lunch out etc etc. It was lovely, but just felt on edge. Waiting for him to say you need to d o XYZ....

we agreed we were both at fault, we had got stuck in a rut, we need to do more together and as a family. It was great and it could be again if we both want it too....

IWMI - so glad you had a good weekend, sometimes I don't think they can see the obvious and it takes an outsider to point it out....

on the up side H aunty is having a baby :-) I am so jealous but thrilled....

Eve IWMI & Semper it sounds like your H's do care and realise that they are responsible for working together at your relationships too. Bl**dy brilliant!!!!

Eve, stick in there honey, as you will know if it is right and enough for you soon enough anyway. But remember what you are worth, as you can do this on your own too which is a great place to start.... I think it is natural to have a wobble after everything H has put you through and it's healthy to have a bit of caution. Listen to what your gut feeling is, as I think we pick up things from tone of voice and thier livttle "gives well before they become conscious... Your sixth sense will protect you if you need it and you are a smart woman x iwmi, your best friend sounds great. It sounded like he needed someone to talk sense into him. Good that he listenned to her, she must have really struck a cord. That is such a hopeful thing to hear xxx

Girls, I really hope things work out well for you all - Keep going!. Also keep thinking about what you need too and make sure you see yourself as gorgeous mums who deserve to be treated well. xxx You're not anyone's second best.

WDYAT & TSL how are things after this weekend? Thinking of you both xxx

By the way, Gorgeous Fireman is Hot Hot Hot!!! Seriously fit body and handsome..

I cooked him dinner on Sunday night and he .... took over (in his words...) "searing the prawns" (he knows more than me about cooking!!!) but also offered to get my washing off the line as it started to rain a bit, and then..... in between kissing me.... washed up! (Oh, and I snogged him for about 3 hours in total. Couldn't stop. Barely watched the DVD we'd rented )

Planning to be deliciously naughty soon .. (Do you think that is OK?) (Am I being a responsible mum) (Planning to stay at his on my weekend off next week.... he's cooking for me, and taking me out to the beach and into town..) I know I ought to be careful, but hey. I've been married, settled down, had DC. Did everything the right way and thought I had picked a good man. But I hadnt. So done all of that now. I like having a boyfriend that all your life and hopes arent caught up in. (Although, I do really like Gorgeous fireman...Is it normal to want to shag a man that washes up for you???)

Ah, Gorgeous Fireman rang me tonight to say hello and see how my day at Butlins with the DC went (inset day, so I took my 3 DC on a day trip to local one with some of the other mums from school. I had sent him a text saying "Help, they're making me watch BillyBear shows!!") . (He has 2 DC too but bit older & funnily enough "gets it" in a way that even H never did because he was too busy working/ignoring us). It's quiet on the watch so he rang me before he went to sleep.

I LOVE that.

It was extra nice, as I had a bit of a shock when got home, neighbour came round to warn me that H's car had been pulled up just down from my house for a while. It really made me panic but I got given a panic alarm by police last week, so put the button in my pocket and locked up. Turns out H was just visiting neighbour to sort out checking his new house out, as he'd agreed before (he gets there in the end but has to make a fuss first). My other neighbour rang me to tell me after he'd gone. Starting to feel less like Eastenders now, as that was a more normal thing to happen... Felt a bit silly that I had got scared for a while, (as H isn't a complete nutter, just prone to angry outbursts when he can't deal with a situation).

Hi Ladies,

Sorry I haven't been around for a while but I think I mentioned some external issues we were having and it was the final day today and we got the result we wanted so all is now well in the Semper household.

I won't go into what it was simply because it is so longwinded that explaining it would be impossible, but needless to say it was a very stressful situation and it has been hanging over our heads for over 6 months so now we can get back to normal .

WIMH - your firman sounds lush! In fact he sounds just like my DH was when we were 'courting', those late night, goodnight, phonecalls are fab - ooh its enough to warm my cockles. Why not be naughty with him eh? You are a grown woman, separated, sensible enough to take precautions - have fun I have spent my whole life being a goody goody two shoes - I met DH when 19 and that was after a long(ish) term relationship in my teens - why not, you are young, free(ish) & single - live a little!

Eve - I am thrilled that your DH has seen sense. I had those feelings that you are describing and I can happily say that they are fading with time. So much so that I will happily row with him now when needed!! At first whenever we rowed, a horrible feeling of insecurity would creep up on me and I would think, oh - he is gonna buggar off again now - and I had to force myself not to apologies all the time. Now I will happily nag away make my point whenever necessary.

To me its all about picking my arguments now and realising that we are completely different people but are working towards the same goal, and that we both get it wrong at times. I am trying hard to be more laid back as I am freakishly slightly controlling and my DH is so laid back he is almost horizontal but we are trying to meet in the middle.

IWMI - sounds positive - fab news! 2 dress sizes eh?

TSL & WDYAT - you both sound so much stronger - its a cliche I know but time really is a great healer - keep going x

WIMH, Your fireman sounds lovely! Enjoy your weekend with him! Just enjoy yourself and have some fun, you deserve it after everything. Glad it wasnt anything more sinister with you H parking near your house. Sounds like he has got the message and is staying clear.

SEMPER/EVE, Glad things are on the up for you both and hope it all works out.

The weekend the dc and I just went out and enjoyed ourselves which was really lovely. Had to see H Sunday when I dropped dc3 off with him. Was all a bit strained. My in laws were lovely towards me though and H said they know that I found him in the car with OW. Saw him again yest when he came to take dc2 to afterschool activity and turned into a bit of a slanging match as its all my fault apparently and I havent given him any chances. He is such a idiot.

He thinks I am turning the dc against him by making clear to them what he has done, at the end of the day the dc had no idea till they saw him with her so he cant blame me for that one! I have been chasing solicitor for my petition and I should have it next week. So I feel like its finally getting somewhere now. Im still feeling positive and looking towards the future without him. Have been busy sorting out the money situation and changing bills over to my name. Just hoping that we will manage ok.

The man I went out with the other weekend has been texting me a bit and wants us to go out again so thats nice. He just seems to be a really busy person so is bit hard to arrange something when I only have one child free night out of two weeks!

Hi everyone.

I have been lurking and keeping up with you all. WIMH, glad to see the fireman is still on the scene. Keep having fun but protect your heart, you've been through an awful time lately and you don't want your heart broken any time soon.

H has now moved back in permanently and has told the DC that he is never leaving again, he is staying forever (my 4 yr old kept asking him if he was staying forever every time he saw him ). We are still going to Relate which is very helpful especially as sometimes we feel the need to raise something that we won't do with each other just yet for fear of upsetting the other if that makes sense.

We are working through the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance phases of things. I have felt extremely homicidal towards OW in the last couple of weeks, realising that she was pushing his buttons and pulling his strings, telling him what to say to me, what to do etc, etc. He has accepted responsibility as well and is struggling with his guilt and horror over what he has done, what he did to me and the DC and what he could have lost over "rough minger from the bookies". He and I both know he was going through some sort of breakdown/mid life crisis (with unresolved childhood issues, gambling etc) but it doesn't make it any easier.

It is my birthday next weekend and he has arranged a weekend away at Ascot and in London - 3 nights without the DC .

It does seem that all our lives are settling down 3 months on from all the initial trauma and devastation .

c210 - great news for you - well done!

WIMH - you are a grown woman with 3 DCs and a job and a life....you wanna get deliciously naughty with whomever you please - who the hell are we to judge?!!! You go girl! Glad you have something so fabulously distracting while all the crap of your twat of an ex is being sorted!

thanks for the well wishes ladies...I can't think about the MC - its safer locked away but other areas are going really well

I have some pets, my boys are happy and secure - doing great at school, business is great, and I feel really calm. H however is still able to upset the apple cart in one fell swoop....I still get "booty calls" from him (which I ignore - how rude is he??!!) and one minute hes setting a date for moving back in and the next breath hes saying he wants me now but doesn't think he wants me forever....wtf??!!!

Sorry mate but you signed up for forever or not at all when you married me! I am starting to get angrier and angrier with him - I need to try and get him out of my space for a while so I can think clearly you know? He keeps dipping his toe in then dashing off - its so confusing for me and the boys. Am at the stage where I want to just tell him to sod off just so its a decision iykwim?!