Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

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This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

Evening mavis, you sound so strong. Relate is a really good idea (I should take my own advice there)as my dad said to me prepare for the worst, hope for the best. You are hurt and trust is a big thing in a relationship. It can be built on if you both wish too. But also an amicably split is a good way forward for you and you can be in control.

So glad you have told your parents.

Well as for me he showed up this evening and we had a pleasant evening with DS.

We had a chat about a few things and I explained that certain things don't add up. He reasured me that there is only me, that the other girl is just someone to talk to. That he has been working etc etc and he is hurt that I don't trust him.

We talked and I said that he had to see it from my point of view.

He said that he wanted time, and I was doing all the right things....

So back to square 1 - and I don't have a clue what is going on..

Ooooh Eve that sounds hopeful. xxx
Sorry drove past your house twice today and forgot to drop your coat off! Argh...! My memory is appalling at the moment, at least I remembered to collect all 3 DCs! Will try again tomorrow if you're around...!

Mavis glad you're OK. Bit sad for you that you've come to realisation that you're at Relate to have amicable split rather than work on it. It seems daunting when there are som many problems. Sometimes I think we feel we need to focus on the problems rather than focus on building the good bits - and the problems then become less insurmountable once you have the good will and love back. I dont know, I'm not in a position to be an expert in relationships as mine is gone but I guess underneath it feels that's an easier way to tackle something. Small steps, changing focus... Good luck anyway. let us know how Relate goes for you xxxx Glad you told your parents and tht they've been supportive xxx

I've been to Relate on my own tonight. Feeling OK. Amazing how much more capable and together I'm feeling. Relate counsellor said it was liked I was squashed down before and now I'm bouncing back into me. That was quite nice.

Best go to bed, DCs are finally sleeping tonight, we've had shenanigans - up and down each evening /night - over weekend as it was H's weekend so he had them until after tea each day. Hoping DCs settle down with it all soon as I'd like to have some time/sleep to myself!!!

Mavis hope you got baba to sleep - it takes ages doesnt it, im on dc3 and back to "what do i do when they refuse to eat anything other than bananas?" - have given up!!!

Had friends round today, they were excellent and made me write things down, then 1 rang while he was here to remind me to b strong.
So i was and it was awful! Have apparently got wrong end of stck again and he hasnt yet decided whether he wants to come home. I realise things have to change but now feel i am still on trial - v hard, not up to going all through it now, v tired and my sis popped in unexpected
and just left, way past my bedtime!

Anyhow h left after a big hug and me in tears but i did resist clinging to his ankles and begging him to come home!

Am off to sleep on it and hope all will magically make sense in the morning.
Eve hope things went better with you x

Hi all
how are you all doing today?

Things are settling down for me. Ignoring most of what H is doing, which is working well for me. DCs are wonderful as usual. Getting everyone to bed, and having a bit of time to myself in the eveninngs. Tonight we had a treat and watched Enchanted before bedtime with doughnuts!

Like Eve I got sunburnt on Monday. ankles and nose - ooouch! It's gonna be a warm weekend - cool

Evening all.

WIMH - hope the sunburn is ok, mine has gone a golden brown :-)

Hope everyone else is ok.

Spence came over this evening so we could spend sometime together, he said that he feels that we have building a better relationship but is not in a hurry to rush back home.
Told him not to leave it to long. We had a good talk about the things we felt hurt about and want to change.
I feel positive about the relationship, but don't feel the love I did, I think it might be a mistake to try again, but I am willing to try and build what we once had, Can it be done though?

Well done IWMI I think not clinging onto H's ankles as he leaves begging him not to leave was a wise move. Showed remarkable restraint!! Sending you some hugs xxxx

Eve Yes, I think it is worth trying at least. What H did in walking out and talking to OW really hurt you, so you will feel less love. This is just my opinion, so feel free to ignore it or for someone else to say that's rubbish... but

Will he go to Relate with you for couples counselling? At least he is trying and he's talking to you openly. You have such a gorgeous DS and if you could work this out, you would regret (for you and for DS) not to at least sit it through, try where you are able to and see how it goes

What's the worst that could happen? You get hurt. Well, it hurts anyway when you lose your marriage - I think the regrets and going over and over what you could have done are part of that hurt, and I would love to have had that chance before it was too late - so honey what are you really going to lose by trying? And you can be careful and take it slowly so that you protect yourself.

If it doesnt work out after then, then at least you can look back with no regrets knowing you tried. xx

Besides you have new friends now, who are here with you xxxxxx Keep us updated xx

Evening all - what a lovely day today has been (weather wise that is) - I hope the sun has been shining on everyone else!

Eve - it's all sounding positive and as WIMH says you have to give it a shot as you've nothing to lose.

WIMH - hope the sunburn has calmed down and that you're enjoying some peace and quiet in the evenings.

Not much to report from here. Our intial appointment for Relate has come through although it's not for a couple of weeks. H is coming round every morning and evening just about so he can see the boys and to help with bedtimes/breakfasts although tbh I wish he's just stay away for a few days so I can get used to being on my own. He's not even packed a bag so it's like he's still living here. He's ususally away for work a lot so I'm used to toddler wrangling by myself, so I really don't need him to be here as much. Haven't said as much to him though, letting the novelty wear off for him then we can formally organise access.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend ladies

Hi
Yup enjoying the sunshine. You sound stronger somehow Mavis. How are you feeling about it all?

I have this terrible sadness inside, where it has really dawned on me that this is it now, divorce papers are in (I filed them) and there is no going back to "before I knew". I understand now that this isnt a bad dream but the world that H really chose to drop the curtains to so that everyone could suddenly see who he really was, including me. The DCs are sensing it too as they keep saying, Daddy is diffrent now and dont want to stay with him as much as he wants them too. (I just reassure them that it'll be OK, they'll have fun, as cant risk his wrath if they say something accidently to him).

On the outside I'm doing really well though, everyone thinks I seem happy and more myself, but also more relaxed than I have done for ages. The Relate lady said I wasnt "squashed down" anymore and seemed to be more confident and coming out into myself. Those things are true. However, I can't quite come to terms with what a selfish piece of work H is, and who I have been living with and loving all those years.

I am so shocked at who he seems to be, he almost seems fake and empty. His behaviour now is tremendously petty - clearly stuck on believing the only important thing is what he wants. And doesnt care how it affects those around him. I have been starting to wonder if he is genuinely stupid or that self obsessed? Then he throws a vicious verbal attack each time he doesnt get what he wants and adds a few threats about money in.

It's like watching a bully at work who doesnt quite have the power he wants to have. It is really helping me step back and think, you are quite toxic to be around.

Aside from that I'm OK. Wondering if there is life out there after divorce, when you have 3 young children like I do. We do have a nice life all together and I'm managing well, with lots of friends around me. I'm picking up hobbies I used to have (BK, Before Kids) as I dont have to bend my life around H anymore. We're doing new things too, all on our own. It's nice to feel in control of your life and not beholden to anyone.

Afternoon all.

Mavis - hope you are ok, it is a bit of a bind having DH in and out AM and PM can he perhaps come every other day?

WIMH - you have come such a long way, hang on in there, the children are a real credit to you. The hurt that someone can do this to you and your children is the hardest to come to terms with. We deserve better and in the future who knows what will happen.

Chickened out of the date!!!

I have had a really lazy day today - after wondering what I would do with DS I have discoved I can relax. I have Slept for 12 hours (shocking I know) and have just pottered about at home.

I really should go annd walk the dog now....

My sister has left her husband this week after 20 years together. I am so shocked, I thought they were so strong together. Am so angry on her bahlf he has been seeing someone else and has done it before.

Evening ladies. WIMH, keep looking at the positives! I could have written half of your post, although everything (so far) is very amicable between H and I. I was messing about with ds1 earlier and realised that I was really happy and it only really mattered that I was there with the boys. I know that when H finally moves out properly I'll have that sadness but at the moment I feel strangely liberated. It's like I'd been waiting for years for H to change and now I don't have to put up with any nonsense anymore. H is so upset by the situation that he's gone to Barcelona to see a friend for the weekend so I've got a couple of days to myself.

Heaven know's what's in store in the future for me, not sure who may want a middle aged divorcee but I think we'll all be ok.

WIMH - what hobbies have you gone back to?

Eve - sorry to hear about your sister, sounds like she's well off out of it though. Does she have dc's?

Hi all, all seems to have calmed down a little with you. Mavis am glad you're getting some space from h.
Blimey eve hope you're family is coping! My h's brother left the same wkend as h but has gone straight to divorce talks with sis inlaw still reeling from the shock, their mum proved their upbringing by putting her head firmly in the sand!

Infact i spoke to her for the first time yest as she rang to thank me for letting the kids visit, know what she meant so was polite but didnt really have a choice!

Strange couple of days on my own, but saw lots of friends and had lots of jobs to do, kept busy. H also rang loads to tell me how they were getting on. Got back yest, he had them since thurs am, and thought i'd test him and asked if he wanted to stay for a bbq (I dont know how to use it!) and he did, was quite surprised as usually rushes off asap!

He is having kids tues as i have work and wants to stay and have something to eat with me, and we have relate weds, am feeling a bit hemmed in!

Supposed to be writing a list of things i want and want discussed but dont know how to start. Love him but now am getting other peoples point of view who knew us and am suprised at what a selfish git he came across as and how compliant i was - how do i go about sorting that one out?

On i go...

IWMI - glad you had a good couple of days. Sounds like you aremaking positive steps. It is hard, I keep thinking why do I want H back, he is lazy, shouts and never did much for DS or me.
I have forgotten the hurt I had a few weeks ago, but I know I want a chance for my family to work, if it doesn't at least we gave it our best shot. Although it seems fake.
I had a lovely weekend and slept loads. Got some work done and went out shopping...
Hope everyone else is ok.

Just checking in ladies

Eve - date, what date?

Think you are all doing fabulously.

DH & I are plodding along nicely at the mo. We had a good weekend with bbq's & visiting freinds etc, it was nice.

Still can't shake the insecurity that he may just up & off again at anytime he feels like it. Am trying hard not to walk on eggshells as I want him to be with me because he wants to, not because I am totally changing my personality to suit him & his wants.

Maybe I am overthinking things (another semper trait, I am afraid!)

Keep going all x

Semper glad you are ok, can understand how you are feeling, you are bending over backwards to ensure everything is 'purfect'.Life isn't like that it is full of ups and downs. Keep talking to him, hope he does his bit too.

Had a odd evening, h stayed last night, I couldn't sleep it was odd having him there, I kept thinking is this what I really want - couldn't answer it to be honest.

He kinda sloped off this morning, he was back this evening as I was baby sitting next door. he got back at 4 I got back after day out with DS at 6. I cooked, washed up, did 3 loads of washing put DS to bed, did pack lunches etc etc - you get the picture - he is not going to change he is not trying.

I get the feeling that he is just stringing me along til I get fed up and tell him to sling his hook.

Now what. He is back on Wednesday I think I am just going to have to have it out with him. He either comes home and trys or we make steps together and try or we go our seperate ways....

I just want to cry

Eve sorry to hear its not going how you want it too. I would talk to him and tell him straight he needs to make more effort if he wants to come back. I know just how awful it feels when you want to try and H doesnt seem to want it as much as you do. When my H told me we was trying he wasnt putting the effort in either.

My H had the end of he's week and then put off the talking bit. Eventually he told me that things are over, he cant ever see himself coming back as things have gone too far. He wants us to be friends, I just cant be friends with him right now. He cried and said he really wants us to stay friends. In time maybe but not right now. He is still seeing the ow. He wants us to do 'family' things together and told the eldest dc that we would all go out together one night after school this week. I cant see the point, it just confuses them. He thinks we will always be a family and says things like 'wdyat your not on your own I am here'. We are no longer a family, I am a single parent family and he is well an estranged dad I guess.

He hasnt acknowledged any letters from my solicitor as he hasnt had legal advice, to be honest it would have been better for him to sign the original letter. It was laid out quite clear that if he didnt things would be worse for him. That is his problem now. He wants us to sort out the bilss and debt as he cant keep paying the bills on the house. He finally has the life he has wanted for god knows how long, someone (ie he's mum) to do all his washing, cleaning, ironing and cooking and to do whatever he wants when he wants.

Hope everyone else on here is doing ok!

WDYAT - so sorry that it has come to a head like it has, I think we are heading the same way, H is hanging on because it is the right thing to do but doesn't really want to try in his heart it has already died.
Hope you can see this a a fresh start. planning ahead what is right for you and the children. You are right H is no longer part of the family he made hisdecision and has to make his own plans and follow the consequencies.

I am so scared of having 'that' conversation,as i said I think in his heart it has died and there is no changing that - I am back to square one and not knowing how my life would be without him in it.

Back to the dating website for me then!!!!

Eve that is what my H says when he told me he wanted us to try and was very half hearted in it(I now know it was because he was still seeing the OW) He says it was because he wanted to do the right thing. He says that this is the right thing for everyone concerned now and that I could meet someone who will whisk me and the dc away. He seems strangely ok with the idea of this but the reality would probally be different I am guessing! He says for him to do what he has done things were really wrong. Just wish he could have spoken to me about it at the time. Its not even a case in his mind, of it not being her it would have been anyone its her that matters to him. She comes above me and the dc all the time, its like some infatuation with the boss eyed ugly pig the ow.

I do see it as a fresh start, I have been going out on my DC free weekends with friends I havent seen in a long time and having fun.

I understand you dreading the conversation, think you need to get to the bottom of it sooner if it isnt feeling right. You have managed these last few weeks and proved that you can do it so you can definatly manage in the future on your own, if things do go that way. Make the most of child free time and go out and enjoy yourself or just enjoy being able to have lie ins and time for you.

Hi all!

So we r all in the same place again, isnt it odd the pattern we're all following. Do you think they have a hanbook we dont know about yet?!

H had kids all day, mucked up teatime by letting them have a picnic at 4pm, joined in and so didnt want to stay. Did at least have the grace to calm down the boys after they broke down when he was leaving. Glad hes seeing the hard times too.

Asked me to join them sun at seaside and then said something about seeing how we get on...

Feel i am on trial even more and then a little terrified he plans on moving back in - help!

I do want him back but need to hold out for some passion (one of the major probs in our relationship). am getting confused by myself - prehaps relate will help 2moro?

Semper/eve - i understand how you feel i spent a year walking on eggshells hoping i could change and fix it all. When he finally left it was such a relief and gave me the space to see it wasnt me who needed fixing or anything i could do on my own. It was h that decided that things werent right and left/ran away and our life (3 young kids, no money, no time etc) is the same and cant change yet so he has to do the accepting and growing up and adapting.

Hang in there and dont accept 2nd best, surely you/we deserve more after all we've gone through!

Good luck x

Evening ladies, just a quick one as I need to get to bed before ds2 wakes up again! Just wanted to say good luck tomorrow IWMI, let us know how it goes at Relate. We have our first appointment in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, off to bed. Hope everyone is doing ok

IWMI how did it go today? Hope it opened some doors for you?
You are right we shouldn't settle for second best, I don't know why I am trying to hard to hang on to this relationship it was sucking the life out of me, but I hope if we both put some effort in it could be good again.

Well I did the UNbrave thing of sending H a text saying I was trying my best and it was obviously not good enough and I had lost the man I loved so very much.
He called and said were did that come from. I explained that he clearly did not want to be at home last night, ignoring me, and ds and I felt that he was just stringing me along.
He came back with I just need time.....
FFS - time for what! He was out last night with the boys has plans for the weekend he isn't interested in me or our son we come second to his life and plans, it isn't going to change, but hey i will wait and see got nothing much else going on at the moment..

Eve - so sorry you feel like you're being kept hanging round. I really don't know what the matter is with these men! Question is - how long do you wait?

H came back today from his weekend away and we had a good talk about stuff. It's great that we're still talking, I'm veering between thinking we should be able to sort things out to not being able to see how we could ever really get past our issues. I'm hoping Relate will help with that. Mind you when he complains about my apparent lack of spontenaity and general good-time-ness I can't help thinking "we've got a 3 yr old and a 9 week old - FFS, what do you expect???" Apparently it's my attitude to looking after the children, running the house and, oh yes, completing a degree in the evenings that's the problem there .

Hope you're all having a positive day.

Eve - Sorry your not getting to the bottom of things with your H. I just need time seems such a cop out dont you think. My H has used that line for the past 6 months! I never understand what the time is for either. Its like they want the best of both worlds the single life and then the wife and dc when they feel like it. Your H sounds like mine, he is going out with his so called mates all the time and then wants to have 'family' time (like he wants us all to go to the cinema one night this week-I dont see the point we are not together!)

Its took my H all this time to grow some balls and finally tell me what he wants but even now I still dont get him, he has been ringing me last few nights like nothing has changed and even asked what time we got up in the morning as he wanted to ring us then.

I really hope your H doesnt keep you hanging without an answer for too much longer like mine did.

Hi! Eve sorry youre having a tough time, texts rnt grt in some eyes but if its a way to say something scary and start a conversation then whos to complain? It was a brave one you sent there, not the ans you wanted but maybe while hes having his 'time' you can start getting your thoughts in order. Do you remember that beautiful south song (or are you too young) 'i need a little time'? The lyrics of that are constantly going round my head and are quite useful(?) when im feeling im having to wait for him all the time.

Relate was an eyeopener last night! Lots of deep hurts being aired by h and yet i didnt feel overly responsible (big shift in perspective there) or guilty.

Left with a big hug that niether wanted to end - which was nice. I aired my reservations about the next step - he wants to come round one evening and just veg - like we used to b4 he moved out! and pointed out we have spent a yr doing that and it wasnt good enough 4 him so he left - need more but not sure what that is or how we get there!

Spoke to him tonight and filled him in on my adventures - getting locked out and having to climb in through top window with aid of a giggling "friend" 2 toddlers and a baby! But i made it without killing myself or getting stuck - always a plus! Anyway after hed stopped laughing he told me hed done alot of thinking since last night which sounded positive. Am still looking forward to sunday 2gether

Relate lady and h had a long discussion about how much happier i looked and h said that was something he really wanted, but recognised how it had happened since hed left, feels a little threatened by that i think.

God i hope we can work this out!Still seems a long way off.

Take care all and xxx for all

Hi MNs
Wow a lot has been happening with you lovely mums since I last logged in.

WDYAT Eve IWMI I am so sorry to hear your Hs have been so backwards and forwards and not fully there. It does seem like they want it both ways. You dont deserve it, remember it's nt you, it's them. You are lovely and kind and doing what a good mum is supposed to do.

I was given some advice early on in this thread, after he'd just walked out - about building my life separate to H - doing what I wanted and made me happy, finding the real me again & what I wanted (on my terms), enjoying the DC and getting out and about more. Then whatever H does, wont be as important, and he would be more likely to realise that what he was losing.

I wonder whether "moving on" in your head would help, put things more on your terms. Then if H sees you can manage without him, he would have to work harder to come back & not take you for granted as he might if you waited around for him. The other side of me thought at the time but oh no, if I let go to all the hope, the love goes, and we have nothing to keep us together, so I might make it more likely that we stay separate. I didnt know what was best to do at the time, except cling to some hope. That's all gone now.

But I really understand your dilemmas and want you to know that you will get through it xx You can do childbirth & sleep deprivation, look after children when you are ill, you can do this. If your relationship works out- that's brilliant- but if it doesnt, believe me that it's almost a relief once it's done and he's definitely gone. I think the dilemma stage is the most painful because it's so prolongued and confusing. I dont know if other MNs found the same?

Eve - reset up that date honey!!!!
Hobbies- oooh, but been card making, painting, writing, cycling, and lots more in time on my own. About to try to pick up dancing again...!

Generally I've had an up and down week. One of my worst days was Monday, but my friends (true angels) picked me up again and carried me until Wed when I got back to chirpy capable me again. Just spent tonight building DD2's birthday present in the garden- I bought a swing set on my own!!- with a friend's kind DH who she sent over to help me.

Will talk a bit more another day, been run off my feet the last week. Sending you all my thoughts and warmest wishes to keep you company in these hurtful times xxxxxx Keep strong xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Good morning everyone,

Sorry I have checked in for a while but I have been lurking unable to post.

I'm all at sea atm with everything that's been going on with H and Relate therapy. Finding it quite hard to cope atm with my head and 4 DC on my own. H has decided business needs his undivided attention as obviously it has been seriously neglected in the past 2 years and more recently last 2 months whilst he has been with OW - even managed to upset his last 2 remaining staff. HM Customs and Revenue are seriously on his back and all his chickens are coming home to roost!!! I understand why he is doing this but I could really do with some healing time with him. We are going to Centre Parcs in a week so we will see what that brings. He is still at his mum's btw.

Sorry everyone else is going through all this uncertainty too - it's really shite !

My mind has been mush - the therapy bringing out all sorts of things for both of us.

Take care everyone.