Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

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This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

IWMI - good, sounds positive, a scary step i know but I hope all goes well for you both.

Eve - I think IWMI is right. You should live your life for you. Your DH knows the door is open for him but he is not really willing to come back at the moment is he. I am so not into game playing as I think it can be very very dangerous, but you have given him quite a bit of time now and he hasn't returned. Maybe if he sees you living your life independently of him, this may give him the kick up the bum to sort his needs & wants out?

I could be totally wrong but am just thinking out loud. I sometimes wonder if telling them we are waiting for themk and the door is open (which is exactly what I did so definitely not judging ) doesn't give them enough incentive to want to come back fully. You know if they thought they were going to lose what they had, then maybe they wouldn't take so much time to make their mind up.

Thank you ladies, you are very right, i have given it some thought today, he is meant to be over tonight, but as yet not heard from him, and it is time to move on, that is I stop standing still, if he wants to try and build bridges in the future then we can re assess then, but I have waited long enough.

Ok so sounds good to me, anyone what to tell H :-)

IWMI - sounds like a difficult time, at least he is talking, can understand him be careful about returning home and upsetting the children again, but it sounds like you are both putting in a lot of effort and see that as a positive.

I am sure your friends will rally round when your parents are away.

IWMI, are you and your H having therapy? I would recommend it. My H is staying in our home for up to 3 nights a week atm and at his mums the rest of the time - we need to take things very slowly. My head is still all over the place, our counsellor likened it to being hit by a bus and it is going to take a long time to heal - I will have good days and bad days.

We are going to Centre Parcs next week so it will be interesting to see how we get along without any outside pressures.

Good luck.

Goodness girls, you are all so good working at and worrying about your relationships with you Hs

Eve- I think you are right. Move on just a little, enjoy your date tomorrow nigh. If it's right then he will find a way back toyou. I think I worried myself sick about doing the wrong thing and pushing him further away but really it's not you, it's him that has walked away and you dont have ocntorl over that. It doesnt matter what you do honey. If he's going to come back, he will later anyway.

Semper - well that sounds a positive move, the next posting, it's very isolating to be on your own, sounds nice to have more friends around you. xxx You might find yourself again xx

IWMI honey you will be fine. You can do it, can hear in what you write that you are starting to get a bit stronger xxx Just take each day as it comes and have a bit of a filter on what he says. He isnt the important one here, it's you and the DC.

CT10- glad to hear you are OK. You seem to be working through it. xx Enjoy center parcs, it'll be fab!! Try to take pressure off of yourself xxx

OK, second date with gorgeous fireman next Sunday, My choice as I had things planned this week and big birthday party at weekend (have kids) for DD who is 5 and I dont want kids to see anyman I might date until I am very sure I wont have a "series of men" going through their lives. However gorgeous fireman has texted me 3 times a day and rung me each night since I saw him on Sunday. Totally cool! I think he might be a bit keen too! Early days and not thinking anything, but quite enjoying the excitement! PS he is a good kisser!!

Sorry bout my spelling, I was typing fast and had a few glasses of wine tonight with friend!

And no hangover this morning. Result!!!

Wanted to say hello MNs xxx We're still here. Having a lovely day with DD3 at home, then DD2's birthday party after school

Just to let you know that if your H does leave - everyone rallies round, when you are left on your own. My neighbours, friends, family, work colleagues, I have been so amazed at how many kind people there are out there. They have been helping me practically and just as lovely kind people which has helped me heal I guess. So, even without dating, I am happier than I have ever been (and I thought I was happy before).

H, however is more miserable than ever. And funnily enough, whether he gets what he threw away or not eventually, it isnt something that I care about anymore. He geniunely has become irrelevant in so many ways to me and I realised I had more than I thought, none of which depended on him.

You know what WIMH - this thread should be saved to show women out there that there is life after a marriage breakdown. You sound so positive & happy. Am ridiculously pleased for you

Thanks all for your support - things going faster now as he asked to come over tomorrow night and stay (is having kids sat am so makes sense). This was all at 8am - not my best time of day! Trying to herd boys upstairs to get ready for school and touch baby without getting covered in breakfast! So agreed but a little unenthusiastically i might add. But wont hurt him that i didnt leap at the idea

Been toying with the idea of getting a sleeping bag out just in case!

Am fighting to stay strong and get what i want out of this am more worried about that than anything else.

C10 yes we are fortnightly and it is helping.

Will let you know how i get on, good luck to eve amd wimh on your dates. Stay strong all xxx

Morning all,

Hope all is well,

IWMI - got everything crossed for you.
SEMPER - it is amazing how far WIMH has come I am so excited to hear how far she/you have come it gives me hope.

ME - date was ok,nice enough chap although bit on the short side, I am afriad it just made me want H all the more.

I came back and he was here so said we needed to talk, he tried to get out of it, I am just going round in circles with him, but have told him it has to come to a decision soon. He said his feels haven't changed, I explained again that he needs to spend time with me to try and rebuild those feelings, not being at home is not the answer. So left it with him, his choice is to either come home and we try damn hard or we call it aday.

So back to the dating web site for me..... x

hi MNs
Just checking in. Doing OK, had lovely day yesterday with DD2's party.

Having bit of a wobble, but generally doing really well. I had to explain to my 83 year old neighbour why my H couldnt pop accross to help her, (I did it), and she couldnt understand why he would leave me and his gorgeous young children.

It reminds me of what an arse H is, and how selfish. Was doing well not thinking about him, but it is difficult to explain, as what he did is outside my comprehension. You think you know someone, when you ahve been married that long and friends even longer. Now I'm realising how little I like him or know him and dearly wish he would just disappear. He's sent a few emails that are just about him wanting things, despite effect on the DC and me. I am repeatedly reminded what a self centred excuse for a human being he is. I wish I had chosen a better dad for my DC and a better H for me.
I didnt and he's gone now. But he's still playing games and really I'm trying to ignore what he is doing but it's difficult when he keeps messing around with money and things that impact on the DC and I.

Sorry, will snap out of this wobbly mood soon. It's just it hits me sometimes what a terrible person he is underneath. I regret having him in my life and regret that he might influence the DC in any way to be even a bit like him. It's not my choice as the DC need to see their dad but he's a poor role model. Is it normal to worry about that kind of thing. I know I can or should do nothing as these things happen and work out how they work out. I am feeling very protective of the DC>

Eve at least you went on a date, it's a start. I think you have to date a few men to see what you dont want/like before you can work out what you do. Remember if things are going to work out with H, then they will, as fate does that on your behalf. So you wont lose anything by getting on with your life in the meantime...

You sound like you're seeing the possibility of your life with DS and you, without H. That's a hard place to be in and a bit scary... xx H is th devil you knew so he will seem better ... But he left. Try not to compare other men to the H you knew with the life you had with him - he is now fundamentally flawed in someway for him to have walked out on his gorgeous DS and wife. You deserve to be happy and to be adored by a gorgeous man, and if H is too stupid to see that, then live your life and decide what you really need. I think you will find it and you're a terrifically spirited independent woman.

iwmi good for you. See it isnt all about him. It's good for your H to know that.

Make sure you get to decide some things too, as it should be an equal partnership xxx

Hi MNs

Generally doing quite well. Have been happy and content at work and in life. 6' 2" Fireman still gorgeous! Mmmmmm

H is being difficult, not sticking to agreements made in
Forwarded emails he sent to me to solicitor who says to call his bluff as he hasnt stuck to agreements and needs to learn there are consequences. She said he was being unreasonable and from his emails is being a bully. It was a bit weird hearing that, as it's not just me thinking that now.

I dont know, what is best to do. As I dont want things to become antagonistic but I can see if I let him walk all over me and give in everytime he threatens us with money or give him his own way all the time regardless of agreements he has made, he is going to keep holding things over me and I am never going to escape.

I have started to feel free recently, which means that I didnt feel free before. Isnt it funny how you can think you were happy before but not notice this deep sense of sadness underneath. I thought it was having 3 young DC, I kept saying I was in groundhog day - but I feel free now even though I am now I am on my own with them. So I've started thinking it wasnt the DC, it was HIM. He made me feel like I was in a prison. I was a servant. Our lives were all about him.

I keep realising each time what a bad bad man he was and is. And what a lucky escape i am having right now, I'm like a bird that has been let out of my cage.

Is this normal? Is this how other MNs have felt when their marriages broke down? Is it a stage I will go through or is it really about H. I am so bored of all his games and wish he would just grow up. It makes it very easy to ignore him and give him little thought, as I dont talk or think about him unless he has just contacted me (12 emails today whilst I was at work!!!!!)

2nd sentence.. should read....

in mediation

Tell me how you are all doing?

WIMH, Its great to have an update from you. Things sound like they are on the up for you. Like the sound of your fireman .

I havent posted on here in a while but we are doing ok (dc and I) I have had some fab times out with friends and am enjoying not have h around. H, well he still playing games and still seeing the ow. Im sick of it, he just gives me headache now. He hasnt acknowledged any of the solicitors letters or signed anything and although I saw my solicitor almost 4 weeks ago to get the petition drawn up I still havent heard a thing. I ring and she is not in the office and then doesnt return my calls. I first saw them back at the very start of March and I am no where near getting a divorce. Im not sure of the timeline of such things but surely this is just stupid.

Hope everyone else on here is doing ok.

WIMH - it sounds to me like this is a control issue on the part of your DH.

12 emails in one day whilst you are at work?? That is ridiculous! He wants to live his new life in his way ans yet he expects you to do everything you can to facilitate that. It is like he wants to be free but still retain ultimate control over you - how bloody annoying . Just keep going as you are.

WDYAT - I feel for you, I think legal timelines are completely out of sync with the rest of the world. Ditto for your DH not responding to paperwork - again, think it is quite a controlling thing to do.

Keep going

xxx

Hi all hope you r all ok.

WDYAT sorry to hear h is still trying to control u, but note the word 'trying'. You r after all getting out there and having fun without him. Solicitor wise if you cant get an ans what about her supervisor? Might need a little shake up?

WIMH - hard to pass judgement without knowing ur h, but....

He sounds like a complete w*er! Glad ur getting stronger to let it wash over you. Its hard to reconcile the you now with the you then, thats how i feel. Almost embarrased that i became that person and allowed those things, but time to draw a line for both of us, no regrets that was then this is now and we will be better women and mums for it!

H did stay fri, offered to sleep on sofa but i felt that would be wierder! But no shananigans just a longed for cuddle.

Had relate tonight so feeling like a coiled spring, we went for food after to continue the discussion so still feeling like we're moving on. I get really tongue tied, i struggle with saying whats really going on in my head without apportioning blame, cause am begining to see 2 sides to this story and really want us to move on but need to air my resentments for once and for all....

I dont know am all of a muddle, will go away and try and think (try!)

xx

Evening all, so sorry for the absence I lost this out of 'my threads I am on' for some reason.

Sounds like we are all at different points.

WIMH - you are so strong you really are a great person have such stength I always admire how you manage with such a difficult H, the tables will turn and you will be the last one laughing...

IWMI - so glad the relate is going well wish I could get H there....it sounds like you are making small steps keep at it

WDUAT - hang on in there girl, it will be a long process especially if he is ignoring the paper work.

As for me, well in the last week, my car has broken down, I have got locked out of the house, My work computer packed up. Tom tom stopped working whilst I was in the middle of no where and now my mobile is playing up...... so the icing on the cake was H coming on sunday for the day, took him 2 hours to travel 20miles to get to me as I needed him to let me back in, gave me some crap excuses.... had quiet day with him not talking much, then he text me that night to say he is fed up of meblaming him, and pushing him all the time, he can't pretend, he doesn't feel the same and just has had enough.

I phoned him and said that we should talk, we said nothing new and agreed that it was a waste of time.....

Following evening I told him to come and sort his stuff and and make def plans with his son as 1.5 hours a week is not enough. He cried and said he wasn't ready to give up yet!!!!! FFS

So back to holding my breath. I give up. Have been chatting to a few blokes nothing serious but enough to know I won't die a lone so I am leaving him to it. I haven't called or text. Told him to see his son twice a week and alternate weekends, so very much up to him now.

Sorry it is such a long one..... hang on in there girls

Hi Everyone

Eve, am so sorry to hear about your H. He is just messing you about. I think you should listen to the "I dont feel the same" bit though, as he comes back to this each time. I wonder if a bit of time on his own without you waiting for him, and moving on, will help focus his mind. I think if a relationship is going to work, then he will come back and you will be in a stronger position. I just think that sometimes someone has to lose something to shake them out of the position they have got in. He is just sabotaging any efforts to get back together otherwise, until his heart is really back in it. I'm not an expert tho' so that might be terrible advice!

Maybe you shouldnt listen to me, as I dont want my H back and dont even consider him my H anymore. I dont know who he is, or who I was married to all those years, but I feel free now. And I look at him differently, as a bully. Yes, I agree he is a w**ker.

WDYAT Argh on your behalf! How bloomin' annoying of him. I hope you get it moving again soon. x

IWMI Sounding good... at least you are working on it together. There's hope there x

Semper how are you doing honey?

Me- thanks for your posts. H is worse and worse. He is apparently now ... challenging the divorce. !!!!! I also found out that his credit card is £10000 in debt. I cleared it off last year from our joint account, so he has spent £6000 since Xmas and £4000 alone in the last month on credit. He is heading for a crash and burn. AND he now wants to take me to court to challenge the divorce??!! What for??? He accepts the marriage is irretrievably broken down, but wants to put "his own story" (Wife wore me down with kindness)(?!). The solicitor and I wrote mild and innocuous reasons, so I would be interested to see what a judge thinks if I have to disclose more!!

He threatenned me the other day that if I said anything, he would say he had concerns about the type of mum I was. I'm a great mum, so that is a really low blow he is trying to pull. Luckily the Relate lady said "It's down on record (from assessmnet with Relate) that he said you are a great mum" She thinks he is just saying words to threaten me, and that he's scraping the bottom of the barrel! She told me that a judge would see through all of that & reflect badly on him. We had a giggle in the Relate session, as I told her about him talking through the letter box at me, after I had shut the door mid sentence on him. He's 38 years old and he wanted to talk through a letter box!!! (in front of the DC too??!!). I wonder if he is having a breakdown? Dont care though.

Let me tell you something funny... I dont involve the children in any way, but this was volunteered and came entirely from 6 year old DS1. He found the "My Dad is Brilliant" book (we also have a "My Mum is fantastic!" book) you know the series that has My mum is fanastic at fixing things & cartoons of mum fixing things, and so on.. telling stories, dad roller skating etc.

So as I said, DS1 you can take that to daddy's house now if you like as we dont need it here now daddy doesnt live here anymore. DS "Yes mummy AND YOU could write a book called "My HUSBAND is RUBBISH!!" (Said with great relish by said DS1!) - Then it could say .. He lays in bed all day .. He shouts at lot and gets red in the face.. He is smelly in the bathroom (!)... I couldnt stop laughing, what a bl**dy brilliant idea for a book!! What about you girls? Any pages you would add ...?

By the way, my house still smells nicer!!

Oh, and aside from laughing, I promise I didnt encourage DS - he just constantly surprises me how perceptive and funny he can be! That's really quite a funny thing for a 6 year old to think up!

PS. Going out on date 3 with gorgeous 6'2" fireman on Friday night Thinking about putting on some seriously sexy knickers! And very high heeled shoes. Bought some ridiculously high 4" gladiator heels last week.

I have to be careful or I could fall for gorgeous fireman, and I know it's too early and I'm too vulnerable. But I feel safe with him, he is so calm & kind and not to mention drop dead shaggable (and a good kisser! ). It makes me realise that there are much nicer men out there .

You go girl, Eve, have some more dates. You find as many interesting and nice men to spend time with, and one of those times, you'll meet someone who you click with and who falls head over heels with the funny gorgeous spirited woman that you are.

It makes me mad that all these H's have been making us wonderful women feel second best. If they cant see how wonderful we all are, whilst we have been busy looking after them AND our DC, then that is a FATAL FLAW on their part.

Eve, if he cant sort himself out, then I suspect he will keep repeating the pattern and you will have had a lucky escape. But I hope for you that things work out. xxx

Well I hope for all of us xxxx

Goodness, I was a bit full on about my fireman wasnt I?! I am taking it slowly/ easy, honest guv. (Apart from thinking how great he might be in bed...) (But trying not to think about that...) That's very naughty

WIMH - you really are amazing. I know I keep saying this, but you truely show how far a person can come in such a short while.

I don't know why I am hoping H comes round, He hasn't changed at all. Does nothing around the house, does nothing with DS and does his own thing all the time....

That is wrong actually - I want him back because I want Ds to grow up with a family....I know it will always be a family, but you know what I mean. And I know that is not enough. Oh shit!

Anyway WIMH hope you have agreat date, I am sure you are being mindful, enjoy yourself, let your hair down and have a great time. You never know where it might lead too. x

Eve, hang in there, you dont want you kids to look back and wonder why i understand that and you can only do your best (not his as well). Our relate lady keeps telling us that kids are only borrowed. But dont sacrifice yourself for an ideal, it doesnt exist, you might b a much happier family unit without him....?

Take care all (wimh - prehaps take precautions too !)

Hey all of you, well what a few days we have had. Wednesday night I have a call on my mobile while driving so pull over at next available place. See my H's car there and ring him, he dont answer. See something moving in his car so go and open the door. And there it was. My h laying on his front with seat reclined right back and OW stradled on top of him giving him massage with...wait for it...sudocream??!! I mean come on sudocream?!?! I put that on my baby's bum! Seen it for what it is some sordid little thing. He pushed and pulled me all around the carpark with our ds1 watching. Not a good thing.

DS1 was screaming saying he hates daddy and daddy is a liar and he never wants to go in daddys car again. You know what it never made me feel sick seeing it or even cry. I think that is a good sign that I am over it and clearly dont love him anymore. A few months ago I would have reacted so badly to seeing it but its really not how I thought it was in my head. I am so so sorry that my dc saw her but he has acted so grown up over it and is coping fantastic.

I know now I never want him back. I spoke to my solicitor and told her to get a move on with it all and she will do so. My petition isnt quite so tame as WIMH but at the end of the day its the truth of our marriage. Now I look back and see it how everyone else did.

So here I am looking onwards and upwards. I have even been out tonight on a date!! Had such a good time. It may have taken me 6 months to get here but I am there. At the end of the day anyone who leaves their wife is an arse but he left me with a 6 week old baby. She is now 7 months old and we dont need him. I will never stop the kids from seeing their dad but this weekend(he's weekend to have them) they dont want to go, I cant force them too so they will stay with me.

I am sorry this is so long and all about me but its gonna be so hard to name check you all so I hope you are all where you want to be and if you aren't happy do not put up with anything else then 1000% from your H's.