Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

Counting to 10 - sounds like you have dug deep and come through some difficult issues with each other - hope the week away gives you both the opportunity to spend quality time together.
WIMH - sorry to hear you have had a difficult few days - please do get in touch if I can do anything, just pop over for a chat or build a swing, I am happy to help. Hope this weekend is fun I know you had some plans to get out and let your hair down.

Some very wise workds from WIMH - I know I have to get a life, I just am so tired when DS isn't here I just sleep.

Spence came over last night at last min, which was nice he chose to come and see me rather than chilling out at base. I take it as a positive, he has also made plans with me for next week, out together tuesday night (babysitter needed) and An afternoon out with Ds and I to sea side weather permitting.

I know that I should not read to much into this, I am just waiting it out at this time, I hope that time will see him wanting to be with us more.

I am off to my sisters for the weekend so looking forward to a change of scenary.

Stay strong ladies - we deserve to be adored!!

HI MNs

Eve thanks- that's so sweet. I still have your coat in my car. When you're around next week, let's meet up xx Sounds promising.

Agree with you, we do deserve to be adored.

Keep going CT10, can you find some fun things for you to do on your own/with friends that will keep you going too ? xxx Nothing like a good boogie night out or some girlie giggles to lift your spirits when you need it xxx That's what's been helping me.

Infact, I am finding I am happier, more contented than I have been for years, strange eh? But I'm finding me and I'm fun, light hearted and warm and genuine. I'm not someone's servant, not just a mum and nothing else. And I think I can do better, be happier!!!

OK, I've filed for divorce. I'm pushing it through. H is erratic still, but hoping he will calm down now he is living in his own (3 bed!) house as he and tf wind each other up. I dont have any feelings, strong or otherwise when I see H now, he's becoming irrelevant (which is annoying him).

SOOOOOOO enjoying having a WHOLE weekend to myself. This is the MOST time off I have had in 7 years!!!!!!! It is such a tonic, like being in my 20s again (BK, before kids)

DCs still up and down, not sleeping well, but aside from that are doing great.

Had fab weekend, went out last night dancing in Southampton

Have been asked on 3 dates!! One of them is a smooth policeman, bit of a charmer so I know he is dangerous for me.

But I have written a list of all the things I want to do in the next 1-2 years, some that I'd always thought I'd do in my life before I got married. One of them is to go sailing all weekend (hence 2nd date offer!!), another is to paint some pictures for my house, go exploring some of the local cities near the coast here, to have long nails and paint my toenails regularly, grow my hair long; go away for a weekend to Bruges, go to London for the weekend for a show; buy a tent and go camping for a weekend; another is to go out with a devastatingly gorgeous policeman or fireman

I'm being a terrible flirt at the moment and sat with the policemen/firemen on a joint training course recently, I've forgotten what I was like "in action"!!! All subtle smiles and little in jokes!!!!

OK bit naughty (as I'm really only recently separated) but got asked on a date (no. 3 which I am seriously considering!!!) by (divorced) fireman (oooohh, 6' 2" tall dark handsome muscular in that way only fireman can be...) and he keeps texting me.... as he thinks I'm a doll!!!

Am feeling my will power weakenning as I think it might be better to wait a while longer. But then I'm not looking for long term thing, just think it might be fun to date a bit..!

What do you girls think?

wimh - do it do it do it!

It will boost your self esteem tremendously! As long as you go with the attitude that its just a bit of fun - what harm can be done?

Hee hee

I so want to!!!

But I'm aware that I'm a bit reckless at the moment, only treating things as fun... but hey..!!

PS. I have wear matching slinky underwear now too. All the time. Amazing what a difference it makes..!!!

Don't feel like "just mum" anymore, am getting a bit of my life back with all this time I have off!!!!!!!!!!

You go for it WIMH - just remember the condoms !!!!!!

Glad you are having such great time atm - remember you deserve it. We all give up too much of ourselves when we become wives and mothers.

Go for it girl,let your hair down and have some fun. So jealous of your new found you - mine is just dreary!!!!! So must start doing something about that.

You go girl!!

WIMH How exciting!

Wouldnt know where to begin myself so make sure you enjoy!

Spent the day together with kids at the beach, had a lovely time etc etc but not bothered when he left - dont really want him in my space at mo. Not sure what that means.

Is anyone else having family probs? My sis has been wonderful but as things get easier with me and h so she gets more outspoken about his bad points, i know them and dont want them rammed down my throat... also we all have negatives, i dont know it just makes me feel sad that its heading to a confrontation with her and yet i can honestly say i wouldnt have coped so well without her, any wise words?

He has kids all day tues again including sch runs, whiched caused a stir i can say
so maybe we can talk then as he said hed been thinking since weds relate, i just wonder what about?!

Good luck to all - another week on our 'journey' complete, another starting...

WIMH How exciting!

Wouldnt know where to begin myself so make sure you enjoy!

Spent the day together with kids at the beach, had a lovely time etc etc but not bothered when he left - dont really want him in my space at mo. Not sure what that means.

Is anyone else having family probs? My sis has been wonderful but as things get easier with me and h so she gets more outspoken about his bad points, i know them and dont want them rammed down my throat... also we all have negatives, i dont know it just makes me feel sad that its heading to a confrontation with her and yet i can honestly say i wouldnt have coped so well without her, any wise words?

He has kids all day tues again including sch runs, whiched caused a stir i can say
so maybe we can talk then as he said hed been thinking since weds relate, i just wonder what about?!

Good luck to all - another week on our 'journey' complete, another starting...

OMG I have a date on Thursday....arhhhhhh

Hi MNs

Firstly iwmi good luck at Relate. I think it means, that you're getting a bit stronger underneath and it's not all about him and what he wants or thinks anymore. It's about you too.

Hmm, the sister issue. I think you could say to your sister that although you appreciate her support, it doesnt help at the moment to hear his negative points. That there might come a point when you will really need that so can she please save them up for you on a big list, but for the meantime it is unintentionally causing a bit of distress for you so could she just take her lead from you at the moment?

Eve how are you?
CT10 how has your weekend been?
All the other MNs, are you all OK. Would love to hear from you all about how things are going ...

Going to put another post on.... he heh!

Eve Blimey we cross posted - tell us MORE!!!

OK, my secondly bit.....

WENT ON A DATE TODAY WITH A GORGEOUS FIREMAN!!!!!

CT10, didnt need condoms today, heh heh! Not quite that reckless that I'd sleep with him!!

But God, oh my God. He was lovely.
I just went on a date not expecting anything. Met him at beach, just thinking, I'll say hello for hour and bit, then head back home and get on with things at home. It'd be nice to have someone to go on the odd dinner date here and there with and maybe a bit of a flirt.

We spent SIX HOURS TOGETHER talking and chatting and got on amazingly well. We both had to literally drag ourselves away. He is was so funny, gorgeous and easy to be with.

I'm going to be careful. But... agreed to another date. He was SUCH a gentleman.

(AND he is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS, have I mentioned that?!!!)

WIMH - that is great, glad you had such a good time. Enjoy the company and the attention you deserve it. And don't feel guilty.

Been chatting to a few guys on web site, most of them loons, so not getting excited, feel sick at the thought. Chap who I have been talking to for a few weeks is without his children this week so was feeling a bit low, so suggested we go for a drink, told him to read nothing into it. I know I am not everyone's kinda girl being a little on the heavier side (i know people shouldn't judge but I know it isn't that great) so will see how it goes.

Just got to lie to H so he will babysit ha ha. I would tellhim the truth but I really want to see if he wants to try again.

Morning everyone :-)

WIMH - he sounds fabulous - so pleased you had a great time and if nothing comes of it, well you know you are 'out there' again and it takes away the old worry of will anybody ever want me - that it seems all 'left' wives go through. Yey - WIMH!

Eve - nobody should judge re: the heavier side and if they did then they aren't worth your time. Not all men like skinny minnies you know, and we all like to give ourselves a hard time over appearance ( I have an issue with my rather large huge nose) but you know what, it has never stopped me from forming relationships with men and when having honest chats with my DH he says he barely even notices it. What I am trying to say (rather ineloquently) is that we all give ourselves a hard time over our self perceived flaws and others barely even notice it, so remove that thought from your head young lady and have fun!

Family situation - I know that well - when my Mam got a little too critical of DH when he had split up, I just spoke to her calmly and said, I can understand your feelings as he has hurt me & you just want to protect me but criticism of him is not what I need to hear right now. She understood and left it alone - probably cost her dearly knowing my lovely --gobby- Mam!

Hi all,

Been at work all day, dancing and singing. Was doing it friday before knew about my date anyway, so something has changed. H had kids all weekend, apparently DD2 was playing him up (like I'm bothered?!) but I danced the whole weekend away!! It was like my life before children. LOVED it. Can see the benefits for me of a break up.

Eve You are funny!! Honey you are gorgeous. You forget I've met you in RL! Yes you're curvy, so what?! That's what women are SUPPOSED TO BE!! Take it from me, skinny minny, LOTS of men prefer curvier women - I can be far too skinny for some men. It's really individual taste and about personality and how you see yourself too.

You are lively intelligent and have a real spark about you, I thought you were fab and a real woman. So will other men. Please dont ever appologise for the good catch that you are. Just because your H was being an idiot for a while, that doesnt mean other men will be.

(If it helps at all My sis in law is much bigger and she is single but has no end of men trying to shag her, constantly because she's confident & alluring and doesnt appologise for being a bigger woman. She has 4 or 5 boyfriends on the go at a time).

Too right honey, you go out. Dont tell him. All you are doing is living your life without endless reference to him, as you are not sure of him at the moment. It doesnt hurt to explore your options. It's not as if you are shagging another man, just meeting for a drink and chat.

semper you always impress me, as even with what you are going through, you're so wise x Good advice you gave to Eve and iwmi!

Well girls, another great day at work. How are you all doing.

Take it from me, if things dont work out with your Hs. There is life afterwards... Dont think about no one else wanting you as that's absolute rubbish. There is always someone else and he (or she!ike to be equal opp here) might be nicer!!

Hi all!

WIMH - wow sounds fantastic! Enjoy every min on the new you!!!!

Will try and have a little word with my sis if anymore is said and go from there. Thanks for the advice - dont know about the list though a knowing her she will and it will be HUGE and i will be quizzed on it!! Hee Hee!!

He has kids 2moro all day so dont know whether he will want to stay and talk (properly) to me after. If not i will have to arrange a time with him i guess - want to know where his head is at after our revelations last wk.

EVE as a larger lady too i sympathise but have been going under a radical rethink of how i feel about myself as i came out from under the cloud that was my marriage. Now i hold my head up high, put my shoulders bk and wing it. But saying that the pretending you r happy in your own skin to begin with makes a difference and is becoming second nature for me now and i feel much happier and confident.

Good luck xx

Just quickly dropping in as ds2 is mid growth spurt and is feeding constantly. Just wanted to say

A FIREMAN??? Bloody hell, this thread is moving on

Good for you WIMH have a fabulous time.

Nothing new to report here. Still in limbo really. H going abroad in a few weeks time so I'm hoping that breathing space will be useful to both of us. If it's truly over I just want to move on. esp if there is the option of firemen

Hope all you ladies are having a good week.

Hi Iwmi and Mavis

Good to hear from you both xx
Heh heh. Apparentl

It was one of my 20 yr old womanly ambitions (to shag date a fireman or policeman!!) Oooh perhaps before I'm old and reminiscing, I can have achieved both.

I have other ambitions as well, my list is getting longer, and includes things like
go to china,
go sailing for a weekend

All of which I can do earlier now i get time without children and dont have to drag H along.. I realised he has no initiate and all the social stuff we did was organised by me or someone else. I'm planning stuff for me and making it happen, I dont know how, just thinking through what I can do and seeing where the possibilities are. As a single woman, (i.e. flirt, flirt) things always seem to be easier to arrange somehow than when you're in a couple with a grumpy bastard!

whoops posted too early then, excuse half sentences and spelling of initiative!!

IWMI - how are things did you talk to your sister. It is so easy to bad mouth ex's because you think that is what people want to hear. I am sure a few gentle words would put it right

WIMH - I am so excited for you, I hope you re read the begining of this thread and see how far you have come. Well done you. You so deserve better - and a firmen.....

Thank you for the wise words from everyone - I know that We have our own hang ups. It can be hard to over coem them, but promise to be super confident me on Thursday - feel sick at the thought. Just hope it goes well.

H has phoned this afternoon, he doesn't feel well, so won't be over today, so he hasn't see or talked to his son for a week now. I just want to cry, he just can't anyone else before himself. I can see his true colours but so want him to be different so I can have my little family, but think it is slowly slipping away. Time I woke up and smelt the coffee hey!

Thanks WIMH

Ooh Eve, I am excited for you for Thursday! I know you are going into it with a heavy heart but think of it as just two people meeting up for a drink to see if they get on. It may not be what you want but if you get a confidence boost out of it then I don't see any harm!

By the way, the guy you are meeting is probably as nervous as you are. Just keep trying to focus on that. I sometimes get 'brainfreeze' when meeting new people, so maybe you could think of a few topics for discussion before you go?

I was trying to think of how I would be in that situation, you know meeting somebody new when I have been in a relationship so long and I honestly think I have lost the art of conversation!

WIMH - your future plans/ambitions sound great. China - wow - would love to do something like that. I think you should do it asap - see it as like peeling a layer of skin to reveal the new, improved version underneath. I once read somewhere that a psychologist recommended taking such a life changing holiday/adventure after the breakup of a long relationship. Apparently, he described it as a shock to the senses, being in an alien environment that makes you reassess & renew your outlook & let go of the past.

Where are we now? Well, we are still giving it a bloody good go. Things appear to be working but you never know do you. The same issues are there but we are trying to battle them together. We are due to move to a new posting soon but we have requested that the move date be brought forward as my DH is due to be sent on operation in autumn and we want to be in the new house way in advance of that so I am not left trying to sort it on my own.

The new area, I hope, will bring changes too. We are on a strange posting at the moment where none of the neighbours' husbands work together so not a lot of socialising amongst the wives occurs. I have literally spent the last 2 years with no friends, aquaintances, no nights out as no babysitters (apart from when family come to visit), with a husband who works ridiculous hours and is often away for days at a time. This has obviously had considerable impact on my personality and our relationship.

This new posting is with DH's battalion and I already know a couple of the wives there that I consider to be friends and so am hoping to have a few girls nights out & know that me & dh can go out too as I would feel comfortable leaving ds with the people I have mentioned. Whilst I know this won't solve our problems I am hoping it helps as I can at least have a bit of independence and start having fun again.

Wow - long post - sorry ladies. Will keep checking in! Take care all x

Arrrrgggghhhhh!

He had the kids all day, made us all tea, was lovely to me, happy, fun, fixed my sink etc etc...

Then i asked ....................
He does want to come back, i said he could only come back if his mind was made up, not as part of the process as not fair on the kids. He does, i want him back (dont need him back) but we have a long way to go and this part seems just as scary as the break up. H realised that he felt the same about me all along but just couldnt see it, know what he means went through a long time of disliking him (but not enough to have a fling!).

Had to call my pal when he'd gone as dont trust myself to make rational judgements where hes concerned, needed a sounding board.

Feel lost and scared, can anyone fastfwd this bit?

My parents are off on hol for 4wks soon and will need to sit them and sis down for cards on the table time b4. It feels like to much to ask of them to support me in this but all i can do is try.(Havent spoken to sis yet!)

Semper - seems like you're doing the same, the move to friends will def help, just hang on in there til it happens.

Eve - cant support much(never did like the smell of coffee!) Keep trying to live your life 4 u, when you get to the point where you dont NEED him to have a life the confidence you exude might wake him up, then you decide.

Good luckxxx