Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

How do people become confident?

154 replies

twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 22:44

Dp and I have been in counselling for some time now and a recurring theme is the fact that I have no confidence in myself and tht dp is finding this very hard to live with.

I think if I dont sort this out it could be the one thing that stops dp and I being together forever. He finds it very hard in particular to understand how I m so confident at work, he has seen me teach or at work and has said that I am a completely different person.

So confident mumsnetters how do you do it?

OP posts:

TheBriansOfTheBunch · 11/04/2009 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheBriansOfTheBunch · 11/04/2009 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GivePeasAChance · 11/04/2009 22:52

Accept yourself.

Seems simple with just 2 words, but ultimately the most complicated and difficult thing you can ever do. Know your values, your beliefs and come to terms with any difficult things that have happened in your life. It takes enormous courage to do this in any depth.

SQUONKAteAllTheEasterEggs · 11/04/2009 22:53

totally agree.

You pretend to be confident, you pretend that nothing matters, you pretend that you are number one and before long, everyone starts to treat you as if you were dead confident, and then you become dead confident.

So strap that smile in place and off you go...

Niftyblue · 11/04/2009 22:53

Brians is right

Its all crap
People think I am outgoing full of confidance and its all so easy for me

What they don`t see is me getting into a state having butterflies when I meet new people,going somewhere new etc etc

Its all a front

Mumcentreplus · 11/04/2009 22:57

twiny you do bull shit..and then you realise many people do the same..then your realise you are actually quite cool..funny,smart and special..and if you are lucky you are kind and empathatic too...

Mumcentreplus · 11/04/2009 22:58

the thing is not to become irritating..it's a balance...

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 22:58

I get the acting thing, you have to do it as a teacher, I have created a persona for myself in the classroom. I know at work I come across as confident and some of that is real and some of tht is bravado. But you need a starting point, I am basically good at my job and work bloody hard so can fill in the gaps as it were.

But me at home there is no starting point, or not anymore anyway,

OP posts:

Mumcentreplus · 11/04/2009 23:06

but twiny there is..you are respected in your job...you have confidence..you just re-route that...the fact that he is willing to go to counselling says so much about you both...he wants and loves you and you feel the same..you both want to try to make it work..build on that...you just don't know how amazing that is!

Snorbs · 11/04/2009 23:06

I absolutely agree that it's all a front - confidence isn't about not feeling anxious, it's about having the anxiety and just getting on with it regardless. This is also something that the more you do it, the easier it becomes (as, I'm sure, you've discovered at work).

There's a good book called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway that addresses exactly this.

BrokenFlipFlop · 11/04/2009 23:06

Not sure if this is going to make sense or be helpful but ex H and I had exactly the same issues and he said he also found it diffcult to live with.

I would start by saying that I too am confident at work and am known for being the one who is prepared to speak out and tackle issues that others wouldnt/couldnt deal with.

However, in my personal life, things are quite different. Some of this is simply because Im not happy in myself ie weight, job, relationship, family issues. So, I have tackled this previously by making a mental list of things which were making me unhappy but which I knew that I could change (lost weight, left partner etc) and I gained confidence. I'm not pretending it was easy but at that time worked.

Recently Ive not felt very confident at all but I know that one of the reasons for this is because i'm not living up to my full potential/not really being me.

For example, I don't always say what I'm actually thinking, I keep quiet and accept whats going on because I don't have the balls to speak up (ie personal/family issues). I suppose I don't always feel that my input is going to be valued. This makes me feel sad because I know that I have every right to express an opinion and do what I want to do rather than going with the majority.

I dont know of any of this makes sense... I just know that it is possible to change your outlook and gain confidence (just haven't explained it too well!)

Mumcentreplus · 11/04/2009 23:12

I'm not ultra confident as a woman..but I am what I am...people respect me and i look at that as an indication of me as a person...my husband loves and respects me too..is that how you feel?

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 23:17

Brokenflip I am exactly the same. I think you are right , I am confident at work because I am a worthwhile person there, anything that I was not happy with I changed.

Whereas at home I have not really changed anything , just moped along being miserable and expecting dp to put up with it. I actually can not think of one meaningful thing in my home life that I am happy with or that I think I do well. Whereas I could realm of a huge list to you of things I do well at work or am happy with.

I overheard my dd doing an impression of me today nd it made me reaise just how pathetic I have become. I want to change as it is important to me that dd grows up with strong femle role models not women she thinks are pathetic.

OP posts:

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 23:21

I dont feel that outside of my working life people have that much respect for me, one or two friends do but I know that I am seen as a bit of a walk over.

Dp loves me and he respects me for what I do at work, I honestly dont think he could respect me for what I am at home though.

OP posts:

tigerdroveoverthebunnies · 11/04/2009 23:22

Twinset, when you are talking to people here, you are who you want to be. I bet you're different here from how you are in RL because you can be who you want to be and no-one has the preconceptions. I know that when I slip on the Tiger mantle I am a bit different from myself in RL.

Do you think of yourself by a different name/image etc in work? Could you think "what would workTwin do" "what would MN Twinset say?". That might help you to feel more confident in your home persona.

Mumcentreplus · 11/04/2009 23:24

but twiny you are worthwhile at home too..you have to believe that.and your daughter will believe that too!...are you worried about how she views you?...if so why?

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 23:25

I do get what you mean tiger and every now and again I bring home a bit of the Miss twinset from work nd I know dp prefers it to the rather pathetic lump he has to live with,. But I just cant sustain it and I dont know why.

OP posts:

KerryMumbles · 11/04/2009 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 23:28

Kerry except I am unfit and ugly and we all die eventually!!

OP posts:

BrokenFlipFlop · 11/04/2009 23:28

Must admit I did exaclty the same with ex H ie expected him to not only put up with me but also to change things for me (as I didn't have the confidence to change them/tackle the issues myself). Quite rightly, he got the hump in the end.

It wasn't until we went to Relate that I really understood what was going on and realised that some most of it was really down to me! I had to take resposibility in order to make our marriage work.

Its flipping hard tbh because you feel like a failure ie I felt that I had tried so hard to make the marriage work ie communicated, kept a lovely house, socialised, etc etc but I kinda over looked this massive issue of confidence partly I think because it meant facing up to so many difficult issues affecting me personally.

I can totally understand your comment re your dd.

Niftyblue · 11/04/2009 23:29

why are you "pathetic lump"
You sound your worse critic

Your not at all

Give yourself a break
And be yourself

KerryMumbles · 11/04/2009 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

samsonara · 11/04/2009 23:30

My view is that at work, actions will be judged and may go onto create positive or neagtive views by other people who work with you and thus impact future jobs etc, so you strive to be your best, at home with your nearest and dearest, you don't expect them to judge you or complain, but accept you as you are warts and all, and often it's more effort to comment as you would want to than ti just let it pass, this may ofcourse work in the short term, but one day one or both of you wakes up to the fact that the other person or you are not quite everything you thought /you were and there starts the confidence shock. You are right change your outlook and you have the key to change alot of things.

KerryMumbles · 11/04/2009 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 23:31

That is it broken I was feeling a lot better recently, dp and I have been getting along better, I even sleep in the main bedroom at weekends. But the last few sessions have just highlighted to me that just about everything that has gone wrong between us is my fault becuse of my lack of confidence and now it has become a circle I cant get out of.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7