How do people become confident?

[twinsetandpearls]

Dp and I have been in counselling for some time now and a recurring theme is the fact that I have no confidence in myself and tht dp is finding this very hard to live with.

I think if I dont sort this out it could be the one thing that stops dp and I being together forever. He finds it very hard in particular to understand how I m so confident at work, he has seen me teach or at work and has said that I am a completely different person.

So confident mumsnetters how do you do it?

Yes that is me with the stunning sisters. Thanks for the kind words tonybleh.

just sending more positive vibes Twiny.....you know you got it going on..and if you dont..I'm telling you you do!

Have you discussed this self-esteem thing with your counselor?

Hi Twin, how you doing? I was reading this and can't tell you how taken aback I am.

(By the way dd's photos are beautiful, isn't she gorgeous). As you are.

What has brought this on?????

Your posts are always brill, you are devoted to your family and job.

I could remember about your sisters from ages ago, but my gawd look at you!

Are you feeling any better.

Yes we have discussed it, but the counsellor is staying neutral as I suppose they should. She has asked us why I seem to only lack confidence at home and I say because I feel valued at work and not at home. Dp says he is at a loss and we hit stalemate.

Thanks monty, mumcentre I will recite to the mirror tomorrow, honey you got it going on, if nothing else it will amuse dd.

What would make you feel valued at home?

Teaching works for me because I am in instant gratification kind of person - I can see that I make a difference there and then, I can see the children enjoying themselves and learning and I know I am doing a good job. Then the observations, appraisals, test results all back that up. You don't get any of that at home - our own children can be demanding, rude, unhelpful & ungrateful, we run around trying to balance work, DC, family etc and it can be hard to see how well we are doing.

Just to feel liked and now and again to feel that I am doing something well. I guess I must be an instant gratfication person. I dont get the feeling that dp likes me very much and dd doesn't seem to appreciate me. I just dont get it, everyone else seems to like me. I am the kind of person people feel quite drawn to but dp doesnt seem to be. When I asked dp why he said because I put on an act everywhere else and people are drawn to that. But at home I am myself and that is not always a person who is easy to get along with .

Twin, I can remember those days when my dd was that age, the things she used to come out with ie 'ohmigod, you're not wearing that are you?' ....and such like. (Me thinking I looked really cool).

I think as previous poster said, us mums need to remind dds that we have feelings too!

You talked to me privately one night around christmas when I was really low and you were really lovely and it helped me so much and thank you again!

Read your post. Pretend its one of us. What would you say??

I know exactly what I would say but it is easy to give advice.
I dont want to turn this into a poor me situation, which is the very thing that is winding dp up. I am trying to be more positive.

so true SuperB..but the proof is in the pudding...bet her DD will be a lovely ,special, funny girl just like her mum

She is a funny girl already, she often has me bursting with pride and in stitches. She is a natural mimic though and as people have said she needs to learn that there are ways of being funny without being hurtful.

Positivity! Twiny...I will look in the mirror 2morrow and do the same!..i can tell he thinks the world of you just by your posts and he wants you to feel the same way!

my DD2 is the same naturally funny and smart

Dear Twinset,

I am not very good at advice and the like but I am sending you a big hug because you are a sweetie! I have come across you in a few threads and have always felt that you were a beautiful person. Take good care and remember to be gentle with yourself.

Big hug!

There you are, this gorgeous funny little girl emulates you!

No matter how much my dd denies it, she's a mini me lol. And I burst with pride (except when she criticises my dress sense).

You've got two people that adore you there.

The thing is, the easiest way to get laughs is to take the piss. She'll learn other ways as she gets older and more sophisticated. She sounds lovely.

lol..so true Bunny..mine will take the piss and make a frickin song about it!

Perhaps I should stop laughing when DS mimics me. It is funny from a 3 yr old but I can see it being less amusing when he is 6. No-one warns you about this type of thing when you have a baby.

Is your DP jealous that people seem to be drawn to you and not to him? Is this what it is all about?

Reading through the whole thread now, it really seems that he is the problem (and your daughter only in that she is copying his behaviour).

I just don't get it: you are happy, confident, successful and stylish at work, but you aren't at home because he keeps criticising you and making you feel bad. It's his problem, surely, not yours?

Do you think, if you had a positive and supportive partner, that you would be a happy person at home too?

I think I have in the past intimidated dp, I am naturally much more outgoing ( or have been and he can find mixing with new people hard. But most people who know us think I am very lucky to have him, he is on the whole a much nicer person than me.

Twinset, do you love each other? And like each other?

Yes we do.

Good

That's the important thing. I am sure you can get through this - it'll take time and won't be easy but I don't think it will be this hard forever.

No I dont and we have been very happy lately, I think perhaps we are getting to the buts and bolts of what is wrong which is whjy it is difficult.

Thankyou for being patient with you.

I've read all this, but it's been a bit of a skim read, so I'll apologise in advance if any of this has been said.

I think you need to discover/re-discover your self esteem. I've read several of your posts where you do yourself down so badly. To be honest, you don't need your dp or your dd to do it - you do it to yourself.

There are lots of things about ourselves that we don't like. There are some things we can't do anything about. I'm 5ft 2, and would love to be tall - but that's never going to happen! There are somethings we can do something about, e.g. weight. If you're overweight, and it worries you as much as you say (because you're always talking about how fat you are!), then it is in your power to do something about this. (I know you're dieting at the moment - this is just an example).

Work out what makes you unhappy and then decide which of those things you can do something about. The ones that you can't do anything about you should put to one side - although you may find strategies for dealing with these. (e.g. if I really wanted to be tall, I could always wear high heels!).

But then you have to put together an action plan to ensure that you work out how you're going to achieve these things.

Otherwise, all you end up doing is whingeing about them.

I'm not saying that you're whingeing - but it sounds like your DP might be thinking that ...

Good luck, lots of {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}} - and good on you both for going for counselling. I hope that it's productive for both of you.