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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do people become confident?

154 replies

twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 22:44

Dp and I have been in counselling for some time now and a recurring theme is the fact that I have no confidence in myself and tht dp is finding this very hard to live with.

I think if I dont sort this out it could be the one thing that stops dp and I being together forever. He finds it very hard in particular to understand how I m so confident at work, he has seen me teach or at work and has said that I am a completely different person.

So confident mumsnetters how do you do it?

OP posts:
samsonara · 11/04/2009 23:53

Twinset,If you were getting that respect at home, what would you be experiencing? If you had that sense of humour back, how ould you have handled something that you feel could have been handled differently? What could you do tomorrow that would be a reminder of the mischief in you?

faeriefruitcake · 11/04/2009 23:54

I have read some of your posts and think you're bloody good.

I made an effort to cut out of my life the people who were dragging me down. I couldn't unfortuatly do that with my mother but now I don't listen to her when she's chipping away.

My children give me confidence, I want to be someone they are proud of.

Mumcentreplus · 11/04/2009 23:55

Ditto Super B!

SuperBunny · 11/04/2009 23:55

Twinset, I realise you are busy and have things to think about but if you have a spare 2 mins, I think you might be able to help on my thread

It's not urgent though so don't worry. I just thought I'd ask.

Sorry for hijack.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 23:56

I am in couples counselling.

I have had psychotherpy but the memories it bought back were too painful to deal with, maybe one day I will deal with it but it is not now. We can also only afford one lot of counselling

My dd is 7.

I cant think of anything at home that makes me feel good, I am a fantastic cook but as I am dieting a lot of that has gone out of the window. I am at my happiest walking the dog as sad as it sounds.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 23:58

Samsonara that is what I need to be doing, when I caught dd taking the piss out of me today I should have laughed or told her off instead I got upset.

When dp was laughing at me when I was struggling to buy clothes again I should have not taken it personally.

I will go now Bunny

OP posts:
BottySpottom · 11/04/2009 23:58

Have re-read now MrsMerryBunny. I shall put my scepticism to the test and tomorrow I shall be 30% more positive .

SuperBunny · 11/04/2009 23:59

BTW, it has taken me 3 yrs of bloody hard work to 'rediscover' myself and to feel confident in myself. Inside, I am still a mess but I can go out and know I make a difference to people and that I am a good person.

I don't think I'll ever be the really outgoing person I'd like to be but I am certainly better than I used to be.

I have noticed that I can easily put on a facade in places where people don't know me well. But, if I am with family or close friends I regress and become quiet, unsure of myself and almost like an angsty 15 year old.

Mumcentreplus · 11/04/2009 23:59

You are happy perhaps because you don't feel threatened..you just have to walk and pick up poo!...surprisingly girls are very opinionated from birth!..lol...what does she say that makes you feel the way you do?

SuperBunny · 12/04/2009 00:00

Why was DD taking the piss?

And why was DP laughing at you? At you or with you?

Of course those things will upset you

MrsMerryBunnyGirlHenry · 12/04/2009 00:02

Twinset, psychotherapy (depending on what type of therapy is practised) in itself can be damaging for some people. When people are asked to revisit a traumatic experience it can have the effect of retraumatising them. I don't know whether this was your experience, but as a psychology grad who plans to become a counsellor in the future I can assure you that there are many other forms of counselling than psychotherapy, which can have a far more supportive and beneficial effect.

You could try Human Givens (a great friend and counsellor of mine highly recommends this) although I appreciate your financial concerns. One of the problems I found when studying my psychology degree was that many of the different therapies insist that theirs is the only way to view and help humans. Human Givens takes a much broader view of what makes us human and incorporates all of that into its approach - it's more holistic, in other words.

Is there any way you can discuss your counselling priorities with your DH? It sounds from what you've said as though you personally have quite a serious need for some ongoing support.

MrsMerryBunnyGirlHenry · 12/04/2009 00:05

at Botty! Do tell us what you learn about yourself tomorrow!

samsonara · 12/04/2009 00:08

If he laughs when you can't find clothes again, turn it around and say, "do know what if I put on a bit more weight it will be so much easier, I can buy xtra large mens t-shirts , but If I lose weight, I'll look so hot, I'm not sure you'll cope with the admirers I'll get, aren't you lucky I'm this size and and give a big cheesy grin!

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/04/2009 00:11

DD was taking the piss out of the fact that I am always doing things wrong and then apologising. She kind of does a shuffle while looking at the floor, and in a quiet voice gives out a long list of apologies. It would be funny if it was not so accurate.

Dp was laughing at the fact that I take so many things into the changing room and then end up hating them all and leave with nothing.

That was my experience MrsMerry, I shook and threw up for about 2 days after my first session. I have also had a more practical form of counselling that was focussed on making the here and now more positive and thinking about how we speak to or interact with other people. I found that quite useful but do know that until I deal with my childhood whatever counselling I have will be a plaster over a wound.

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 12/04/2009 00:16

Ok, it does sound like both situations could be amusing if you were not feeling so sensitive about this. I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel hurt but it does sound as if they were doing it affectionately rather than maliciously.

This thread has reassured me that me decision not to have psychotherapy atm was the right one. I discussed it with my Dr but he said I really need tp feel ready ans it can make you feel much worse initially. If you can get through that, it is meant to be incredibly helpful. But I think you need a lot of support. I tend to prefer sticking my head in the sand and ignoring all my issues though.

BrokenFlipFlop · 12/04/2009 00:16

Can you leave your dp at home next time you go shopping? Take your dd or a girlie friend/sister.

I know its not going to 'fix' everything but he's soooo not helping you in that regard.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/04/2009 00:17

Mumcentre this sounds pathetic but she will often roll her eyes when I come downstairs in the morning and say are you wearing that, or that top does not go with that. She will comment on my weight or looks. It should not upset me as she is child but it takes me straight back to my mum making comments about being so ugly I must have been swapped at birth. She also does the impression I described above.

The daft thing is that I am seen by people at work as a style diva! Teachers and even hormonal grumpy teenagers often comment on what I am wearing. Again it comes down to confidence, at work I think I look good so do whereas at home I tend to trapse behind my handsome partner and beautiful daughter.

OP posts:
samsonara · 12/04/2009 00:18

sorry, Twinset, I made an assumption there I shouldn't have about size, appologies. I think men are best left at home when shopping, my dh expects me to buy the thing nearest the door, or the first thing I say I like the look off!, so I always find ways of going clothes shopping without him, plus thefact that if he doesn't like something, he says, you are not a teenager! ,

Mumcentreplus · 12/04/2009 00:18

gosh she is accurate!..friggin kids!...you have to not do your apologies in front of her..and yes it's ok for her to see you as a positive strong woman..who makes mistakes..but obviously she has seen too much 7yr olds are evil at times...esspecially if they are ultra clever..she sounds like mine!..too clever for her own good...

BrokenFlipFlop · 12/04/2009 00:19

Your dd behaviour - is she copying her fathers behaviour/comments??

It makes me feel very sad tbh

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/04/2009 00:19

I could do Broken but then I worry that I m buying the wrong thing and that do will not like it but be too polite to say. Going shopping with my sisters leaves me wanting to slit my wrists as they are just too beautiful. I would rather stick needles in my eyes thn go shopping with them and probably with friends as well. Maybe I need to mix with more ugly people.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 12/04/2009 00:20

tell her at work you are a style diva!..she's 7 what does she know??

SuperBunny · 12/04/2009 00:20

Oh, girls can be so mean, even to their mums. I now realise why it is so hurtful. She is only young, isn't she? Do you think she has any idea how upsetting it might I wonder if you could tell her that it upsets you when she rolls her eyes and criticises you. I think your DP should back you up with that - perhaps she needs to be shown how to be more respectful and have a little empathy.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 12/04/2009 00:20

Oh she is very clever and sharp. Dp does the same impression as well.

OP posts:
BrokenFlipFlop · 12/04/2009 00:22

You're no ugly.

I know shopping can be difficult but clearly you know that you have style as your colleagues comment positively etc. I have the feeling you'd actually do much better without him ... try going on your own and see what happens.

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