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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do people become confident?

154 replies

twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 22:44

Dp and I have been in counselling for some time now and a recurring theme is the fact that I have no confidence in myself and tht dp is finding this very hard to live with.

I think if I dont sort this out it could be the one thing that stops dp and I being together forever. He finds it very hard in particular to understand how I m so confident at work, he has seen me teach or at work and has said that I am a completely different person.

So confident mumsnetters how do you do it?

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 11/04/2009 23:32

You are a cool lady..I have read your opinions..you are articulate and funny..and that is what your hubby loves you for I'm sure...you are not a pathetic lump!..i think you just need to relax..and be who you are and respect who you are at home as different to who you are at work perhaps?

BottySpottom · 11/04/2009 23:34

How were things growing up Twinset? I suspect your parents were quite heavy handed in their discipline of you, or that one of them had self esteem issues? A lot of it comes from upbringing ...

It might be worth, if you are really serious about changing, getting some help to look at things a bit more in depth and understanding the subconscious stuff going on.

Mumcentreplus · 11/04/2009 23:34

you can't concentrate on bad parts but the fact you know and want to change..right?

MrsMerryBunnyGirlHenry · 11/04/2009 23:34

Bless you, twinset. I was thinking about this very thing today because I went to a party at which I was very confident and realised how far I've come over the years.

Firstly you need to identify why you are not confident - what dented your confidence over the years. You need to do some serious soul-searching and be prepared to feel hurt or embarassed, but you don't need to tell anyone about this unless you feel it will help.

Then you can start to examine ways to be a new version of you. Believe it or not it is not all that difficult to do the second part - follow the 'do something different' principle. For example, tomorrow you should practise being 30% more confident than you are today. Don't analyse what this means, just accept it - 30%. Then do it. And see what happens. See what you learn.

It takes a very long time, it's a slow-burning project, but it can be done.

Also you shouldn't think that everyone is confident all the time. For me, it's person-specific. If I'm with people who have a bullying tendency, for example, I feel far less confident - because I grew up in a household that had a bit of this.

Also I agree with the 'bullshit' comment above.

tigerdroveoverthebunnies · 11/04/2009 23:35

Twiny, you are busy, you have a DP you are working on the relationship with, you have a dd, you have a job which isn't a piece of cake. all of that takes some juggling as well as all the usual stuff like taxing the car, organising the shopping, taking the libry books back etc etc etc.

I bet there are lots of things on the home front you are great at. But you just do them.

Don't know what age you teach, but maybe take some of the strategies (I know, I have no strategies at work, I just do what comes into my head at the time but it is what comes into my head after many years of time) you use at work and apply them at home, just do little things and see how you go.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 23:35

Thanks Mum, at work and maybe on here I am articulate and funny. I know without being smug that I am the kind of teacher that new teachers look up to and that older teachers look at with affection as I am just bursting with positivity and energy. I feel at work as if I can take on the world and often try to. At home though I feel like nonperson. The one that always gets things wrong, the one that embaresses dd and who dp wishes would snap back into someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 23:38

Botty it does come from childhood.
I feel like I am being very negative but I am taking ideas from here and am going to try and be 30% more confident tomorrow.

OP posts:
samsonara · 11/04/2009 23:38

Alot of women as they older as their children grow up, stat to lose confidence, their bodies and energy levels have changed and they almost feel grateful they are loved by their partners but secretly worry that they may not be good enough for them, especially with so many younger fitter etc women they may meet at work etc. Men on the other hand don't tend to worry about their beer bellies and hairy noses do they? It's unfair, part of the society we live in. It's good you have started to do some thinsg which make you feel happier about yourself, confidence is a hearty plant nourish and support it and it will blossom for ever, ignore and neglect it and you will forget what it needs to grow.

BrokenFlipFlop · 11/04/2009 23:40

Thing is, you sound like a lovely person. I agree with others that you are being v hard on yourself but as Ive said in my post, I do understand it.

As tiger said, there must be loads of things you do at home which have probably become routine but you're still fab at.

MrsMerryBunnyGirlHenry · 11/04/2009 23:40

Great - also don't worry if you regress on Monday, the point for now is just to show yourself what you're capable of and how different your world becomes when you are a bit more confident.

Remember - small steps. Always small steps.

Maybe keep a diary and note stuff down every 3 months or so, then read over it in a few years' time so that you can chart your progress?

BottySpottom · 11/04/2009 23:40

Isn't that impossible though? being 30% more confident? How in the hell do you measure confidence like that?

Does your counsellor also do Psychotherapy so that you could look at things in a bit more depth and understand the drives that cause you to feel like this. I am sure that once you fully understand them and discuss them with a professional, you would find it much easier than plucking a random '30%' out of the air, and failing, and beating yourself up some more, and some more ...

SuperBunny · 11/04/2009 23:41

I'm wondering how much of this is you and how much of it is brought about by other people. Who has made you feel this way? I think, in order to feel good, it helps to feel valued and appreciated - which you obviously do at work.

I am a very different person in different situations. I like the confident me and am beginning to realise when I feel crappy about myself it is usually a temporary thing with people who make me feel a bit worthless. I'm not meaning to imply that your DP is doing this to you but, well, ramble ramble

Mumcentreplus · 11/04/2009 23:41

thing is twiny..we are different when we are home..we worry about different things ..I'm ms positive at work...everything to everyone..but at home i have my moments I think about me fat..I worry I'm a shouty mum who doesn't listen..or a whingy wife who has issues!..but then you look at your family..how much they love you..yes they may take the piss but I bet your girl loves you so much amd would'nt change you for the world!

Swedes · 11/04/2009 23:42

twinset - v sorry to read this thread. You come across on t'internet as quite a challenging person (hence some of my responses to you in the past) and this is clearly not really how it is.

Good luck to you, I am sorry if I've been harsh to you at times.

samsonara · 11/04/2009 23:43

You do it like this:
You say, if I was 100% more confident I would be happyy doing this tomorrow, if I was 50% more confident I would be doing this, etc, If I was 30% more confident I would feel happy doing this... and you do it

MrsMerryBunnyGirlHenry · 11/04/2009 23:43

Botty - re-read my post!!! The point is you're not supposed to analyse it, because if you try to measure it as a figure then of course it is meaningless. But as a principle, as an approach to changing one's behaviour, it makes the task look a heck of a lot less daunting. If you think 'oh, only 30%', it looks like less of a mountain to climb. It's an exercise, to show you the possibilities, that's all. I've done it before and it works.

SuperBunny · 11/04/2009 23:44

Oh, while I was typing that other people said the same thing but much more eloquently

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 23:45

Superbunny dp has accepted that he has played a role in my loosing confidence. That is one of the reasons we are at counselling because of his behaviour and how I react to him. But he has changed and I feel stuck.

My dd does love me but I am sure she would like me to change, a few times recently I hve heard her talking about me in quite a negative way.

OP posts:
BottySpottom · 11/04/2009 23:47

But that's not really treating the seat of the issue is it MrsMerry? If, for example, I could be 50% more confident tomorrow, then I would have been today. Self esteem goes deeper than that - proper self esteem I mean, not just bull-shitting and pulling the wool over people's eyes.

And, who wants to think like that at home? Fair enough at work, to get a job done. But I don't, and I'm sure Twinset doesnt't (though I don't know her), want to have to pretend in front of my DH.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 23:47

Swedes at work I am known as quite a formidable person and I suspect that comes out on here. Nothing at all for you to be sorry about at all, I really do not want people to pussyfoot around me and if they do I will have a tantrum. I actually cant remember you ever saying anything harsh to me on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 23:49

No I dont want to have to pretend in front of dp,but I know from work that if you keep pretending it does become reality. I also dont want to be formidable at home, except maybe in the bedroom . I would just like to feel some of the respect at home that I get at work, I would like to have a sense of humour at home, that sense of mischief I used to have.

OP posts:
Snorbs · 11/04/2009 23:52

twinset, are you in couples counselling with DP? If so, I wonder if it might be worth approaching this particular issue with a counsellor on your own.

Dealing with issues that originate in childhood (as an awful lot do) isn't easy as the habits are so ingrained, and I'm not sure if that's something that would necessarily be best explored in couples counselling. An approach that can sometimes help is to think about a particular childhood episode that hurt you, and then think about what what you (as an adult) could say to you (as a child) at that hurtful moment to make the child-you feel better and/or to understand the situation better.

Mumcentreplus · 11/04/2009 23:52

how old is your DD?

SuperBunny · 11/04/2009 23:53

I think it takes a long time to recover from losing ones confidence - just because your DP has changed his behaviour doesn't mean yours will change immediately. You have to learn to believe what he says and to feel confident. You have to teach yourself and it's really hard.

Is there anything that makes you feel good at home?

MrsMerryBunnyGirlHenry · 11/04/2009 23:53

BottySpottom, you really need to re-read my posts. I've made it clear that the point is that it's an exercise to show possibilities, not a cure-all for deep-seated low self-esteem.

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