Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

How do people become confident?

154 replies

twinsetandpearls · 11/04/2009 22:44

Dp and I have been in counselling for some time now and a recurring theme is the fact that I have no confidence in myself and tht dp is finding this very hard to live with.

I think if I dont sort this out it could be the one thing that stops dp and I being together forever. He finds it very hard in particular to understand how I m so confident at work, he has seen me teach or at work and has said that I am a completely different person.

So confident mumsnetters how do you do it?

OP posts:

Mumcentreplus · 12/04/2009 00:22

lol twiny I'm the style diva in my family...it's just everything is sold out in my frickin size!

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/04/2009 00:23

I have tried to explain to her that she is hurting my feelings but I just dont think she gets it. She and dp have confidence coming out of every orifice. I am divorced from her father and it would not surprise me if she has picked up things from her father and his family. They used to take the piss out of me when I was in the room so doubt they have stopped now.

It worries me really that she seems to have a mean streak in her.

OP posts:

SuperBunny · 12/04/2009 00:24

You see... that's it DP is teaching her to be hurtful and disrespectful.

My DS is 3. He speaks his mind & says what he sees - "Mummy, isn't that man fat?" etc. To him, it is just an observation, not a judgment but I make a point of telling him that sometimes it is better not to say things aloud because it might hurt his feelings.

If your DP and DD are treating you like this, I am not surprised you have no confidence. Why would you? Is he still doing this? Even having changed?

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/04/2009 00:25

I am not going to go on my own, I made that decision good while ago. I just need to sort myself out.

OP posts:

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/04/2009 00:26

No he doesnt do it anymore or if he does it is very very infrequent. He also tells dd off if he sees her doing it.

OP posts:

samsonara · 12/04/2009 00:27

Twinset, It maybe a way of your dp and dd bonding a bit, and maybe that's why your dp wants you back to your confident self so that you can fight back and give as good as you get?

BrokenFlipFlop · 12/04/2009 00:27

You say she has confidence but surely its a false confidence as in the example you've given, its come from the fact that she's taking the hiss out of you!

Maybe is isn't really as confident as you think....

SuperBunny · 12/04/2009 00:27

She's a girl. A primary school aged girl. They all have a mean streak, ime. They can be incredibly bitchy to one another and very hurtful to others. When I was teaching, I remember at least 2 occasions where I spoke to a child about being rude to their parents. They don't necessarily do it deliberately but I think they need to have it pointed out that, for example, it can be quite upsetting to hear your 8 yr old say, "OMG What HAVE you done to your hair? I'm SOOOooo embarrassed" in front of the rest of the class and parents and several teachers.

Mumcentreplus · 12/04/2009 00:27

Twiny just know she is 7 and that age is different to what it was to us as children..they are exposed to more than we ever were...she's just being 'grown up'...my DD is 7 going on 18!...it's good you have explained to her how hurtful she is being..it will help her..just look at how the world is today..

SuperBunny · 12/04/2009 00:28

Oh, ok - I am glad DP no longer does this and that he tells DD off when she does. I really think she'll grow out of it, at some point. Most people do, don't they?

MrsMerryBunnyGirlHenry · 12/04/2009 00:28

I hear you, Twinset: sometimes emotional plasters are the only things that help us to keep ourselves together and keep going...usually for the sake of our children! Once in a while I lift mine off and take a quick peek, then stick it back down again.

Night night, and I hope you can find gentle ways to take small steps into a more confident and happy you.

onebatmother · 12/04/2009 00:29

very interested in what peas said v early in the thread:

"Accept yourself.

Seems simple with just 2 words, but ultimately the most complicated and difficult thing you can ever do. Know your values, your beliefs and come to terms with any difficult things that have happened in your life. It takes enormous courage to do this in any depth. "

Mumcentreplus · 12/04/2009 00:29

I explain all the time to my DD...it's important you help her to be a balanced person...be proud you are doing that...

samsonara · 12/04/2009 00:32

"I've just got to sort myself out"
How will you know you have done that completely? Make a list of all the things you have got to do and look at it everyday and each day do something that takes you closer to crossing that to do off the list.

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/04/2009 00:32

night MrsMerry.

OP posts:

Mumcentreplus · 12/04/2009 00:36

(((twiny)))

BitOfFunnyBunny · 12/04/2009 01:04

Blimey twinset, I wish we were friends in RL! I would love a long chat with you over some wine and most of all to give you a big hug...maybe sob into your shoulder about some of my own stuff too... I do feel happy and head-screwed-on, but I must admit that I feel pretty crappy about my health and the way I look right now. I think confidence and feeling worth something is separate from that stuff though, and I would love to be able to just force with an oomph some of it into you, because I think you're fantastic my love, I really do!

SuperBunny · 12/04/2009 01:08

What bitoffun said

Mumcentreplus · 12/04/2009 01:10

so true Bunny...bring on the wine!..and the support! ..twiny you are who you are...you just have to take it home with you..

iSOLOvechocolate · 12/04/2009 01:37

I've only OP and a couple of posts along the way down the page to write this...

TwinSet, you are most certainly not ugly and not fat either from what I've seen. You need to use this as a starting point. Tell yourself you are beautiful and believe it. If you can do just that, you will shine a little differently and that should start a bit of a domino effect.
Does your Dp compliment you? if not then part of your lack of confidence is his fault. Once you stop believing in yourself, you fall into a spiral of denying your own worth and your confidence fails.

Think yourself confident, pretend if you have to and build up from there. Get yourself into a habit of talking yourself up. You can do it, you really, really can.

iSOLOvechocolate · 12/04/2009 01:55

Only read OP !!! tut! sorry.

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/04/2009 10:57

Thanks everyone.

Dp used to pay me loads of compliments, he doesnt anymore as he says he can see I dont believe him.

OP posts:

BitOfFunnyBunny · 12/04/2009 11:14

< pinches Twinset's bottom >

BCNS · 12/04/2009 11:22

I was once told by a very wise person.. "act the part you want to play, as before long you will be playing it without acting"

A lot of confidence is just acting, some of it knowing that if it all goes wrong it just isn't the end of the world. a little bit of confidence is remembering to tell yourself your just fine the way you are.

you always come across on here as a confident person.. which tells me.. somewhere inside you there is the confident you.

Have to say you look fab, and have nothing to worry about at all! ( had a sneaky peek at your profile).

as for DD, Have you asked her if she would like to be spoken in that way? if not she needs to kerb her tongue and however she'd like to be treated she needs to show her mother some respect.. and I really would put it that bluntly.. no explination ( only because dc's tend to hear... blah blah blah.. instead of what you are trying to reasonably explain). I would also then stop being quite so helpful to her.. when she asks why.. you just say , when your pleasant I will be pleasant back. ( worked very well with both ds's 10 and 14.. when they came back from their dad's and were rude and disrespectful to me..and it only took a couple of time of me doing this )

anyway
I think your brilliant!

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 12/04/2009 11:24

BOF.

Thanks BCNS.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7