How do people become confident?

[twinsetandpearls]

Dp and I have been in counselling for some time now and a recurring theme is the fact that I have no confidence in myself and tht dp is finding this very hard to live with.

I think if I dont sort this out it could be the one thing that stops dp and I being together forever. He finds it very hard in particular to understand how I m so confident at work, he has seen me teach or at work and has said that I am a completely different person.

So confident mumsnetters how do you do it?

No time to read whole thread (yet) but will read later.

I think confidence has to grow and it's one little thing at a time.

My confidence work wise is at lowest as I've been away for so long after child and am on mat leave soon. have to accept I'm a bit rusty and try to show I'm confident (when I'm not) when it matters and fess up when I'm not and need help.

COuld be feeling low about my self image as my dh keeps making comments about my thighs and arse but WON'T let this get to me as I'm working on it and feel fine in myself (as long as I don't look too closely in a mirror!!!)

So, not sure what aspect of yourself is low confidence but a friend told me to talk to myself in mirror and say positive things: My arse is curvy and protects me from the cold. ! for example.

Hope you feel more confident soon.
I never would have thougth from reading posts of yours that you weren't so you fooled me!!

Twinset, to go back to your OP, you ask how people become more confident?

I don't know if I can be of any help - but I think it would be fair to say that I am confident generally - in all areas of my life. Its not something I have become, it has something I have always been. I am a teacher too btw.

Why? Partly because of my upbringing. No-one ever told me different. I mean, my parents weren't walking around telling me the sun shone out of my arse or anything, but they practically never said a negative word about my abilities to me and were very encouraging. So, I got a leg up there - and I appreciate that not everyone has that - and that I am fortunate.

But confidence has to be sustained - I have thought about this and really, the main reason I am confident is that I do not invest very much in what other people think about me. This does not mean that I am rude and abrasive - at all. its just that beyond my family and friends that I care about - its really OK what people think about me. Because they do not and cannot know ME - just the bits I choose to show whatever audience I am addressing.

I know this probably won't help as you are talking about a lack of confidence within your family. And its a difficult thing to move from wanting not to care what others think about you - to actually not caring. So, I can't tell you how I got there - but I can tell you why I am confident.

Twinset, actually I do remember you posting and me thinking you were having a hard time and didn't sound too confident. Am hoping it's just a blip for you.

But, you've also sounded v confident before so you CAN get your mojo back!

(would love to read some of my old posts from a while ago. Can't rememeber my old name but I was a different person then with pnd and grieving horribly. Things usually get better!)

BCNS, I love that wise saying.

Lots of practical ideas twopeople.

I am spending today on my photography as it is something I love and get compliments on.

Twinset, apparently I visibly squirm when I receive personal compliemnts yet when they are about my work or things I do, I accept them graciously. I think, for some reason, it is easier to accept comments on things you do than about the way you are.

Of course, BCNS is right but I think you know that. I don't know why it is easier to put on a facade at school/ work than at home. Smugaboo's post is really good. One of the things that helped me get back on my feet when I hit rock bottom was starting a volunteer job at a house for sick children and their families - I was helping people, learning new things and was surrounded by positive people who were grateful for what I did and thanked me despite them being in a terrible situation themselves. I love it so much I have continued and take DS with me too. However, I can only do that because I don't work full time.

Photography is a great idea - I know someone who bought a cheap camera, took a few pretty pictures, put them up in the village hall and accidentally sold them! Hope you have fun.

Well I tried today but it all went wrong when dp and I had a huge row and I had a bit of a meltdown.

He lost his temper with me and said he is sick of having to tip toe around me and he should not have to prop me up with compliments. I see his point really.

I know sometimes when couples have counselling there can be times when it dips and things can get worse before they get better.

well, tommorrow is another day, and it's not going to fix overnight but well done for trying.

No it will take while, I have planned a trip with some photgraphic potential and some work on the garden.

First forgive yourself.

For whatever you need to, but usually for not living up to your parents' expectations (chances are they weren't achievable).

Then look at your partner. Of the millions of people that wonderful person could have been with, he chose you.

Then look at your dc. You made those fantastic creatures.

Therefore, you must be wonderful.

Do this any time you feel insecure. Learn to recognise the wobbles, so that you nip them in the bud with this process. Repeat until it enters your thick skull that you are bloody wonderful.

As BOF said, I would like to be friends with you in RL (wish I'd 'known' you when I came down to Dorset over New Year, would have been great to have met up). I think we'd make good friends.

You are very attractive, if you weren't I wouldn't say it, I would just ignore this part, so I am not just saying it!!. I don't know how to make you believe this, but it's the truth. I looked at your profile a while ago, I can't remember what you had said on another thread, but something made me look and I was suprised how attractive you were (I think you were posting about your weight or a comment your DH had made... can't really remember, but I remember thinking ...BS, you are attractive!!! LOL

It says a lot to me that all but one of your photos are of your classroom/school, not any of your house, children, animals, OH etc. Now I know lots of people don't post those things (and I don't even have a profile page!!), but I noticed it last time I looked, before this thread.

When you go clothes shopping, is your DH laughing at you in a 'bloody women - so hard to please!!' kind of a way, or is he laughing at you getting upset/not being happy with what you see?? Big difference.

As for your daughter, you need to curb that behaviour right now. It is not acceptable for her to treat you that way, nor should you laugh it off. She is old enough to understand that it is wrong. I don't know her (or you really!!) so it's hard to say how best to go about that, but to be honest, if she were mine I would be telling her outright that I do not want to hear/see that kind of spiteful, nasty behaviour whether it is about me or someone else. End of. Be strong - she needs you to put some boundaries in place.

I know it's probably the last thing you want to hear right now, but I think you need to take a hard look at your relationship and listen to what the councellor is saying to you (I went to councelling with Ex and didn't want to hear what the C was saying to me, yet he was so right from the first time we met!!). To me (from admittedly the little I know) your DP is eroding any confidence you did have and has made you feel completely crap about yourself.... it's no wonder you are lacking confidence, most of us would be if we were being treat like you are/were. Has he really changed? It doesn't seem to me like he makes you feel valued, special, wonderful, amazing, like you are his world... if he's making you feel crap, it's going to be a hard battle to make yourself confident at home.

It would be so much better to be doing this over a bottle of wine

I did have lots of photos of my dd but I have discovered that someone we know is one here so I took them off as it spooked me a little. You should not be able to see any photos at all now. But my work is my life and where I am happiest.

He does not make me feel valued, special, wonderful etc but in his view he does not see that as his role. I feel crap about myself because I have issues, end of.

Yes it wold be better to do this over wine.

Sorry your day went wrong, twinset. Thats always very disheartening.

You're right in a way, it isn't a partner's job to make the other one feel good BUT it is one of the lovely things about being in a good relationship. You don't have to try to make one another feel good, you just do it because you love one another. If your relationship isn't like that then, well, something needs to change. But what do I know? I'm in the midst of a messy divorce and am very much single so am the last person who should be giving advice.

I just looked at your profile and can see pics of your classroom and one of a pretty lady in a fabulous coat - is that you?

Yes that lady is me but my profile should be private. Something went wrong there then!
lol Superbunny. Tomorrow is another day.

Today I have been trying to master photoshop, will put up the picture of dd.

Twinset - you are lovely. One day you will realise just how wonderful you are.

Have fun with photoshop.

Have put dd back and a more recent photo of me I think the one before is about 2 years old.

She's gorgeous too - look at that hair. Wow! And that big smile - you must be doing something right, twinset.

Her hair is straight another photo of her now aunaturale. The first photo was the result of a girly day, I had curled her hair, she had done something odd to mine and then went for a cup of tea which is where the photo was taken.

She is gorgeous though and brimming with confidence too!

Lovely picture

I still have girly days with my mum - last weekend we got our hair done then went for wine & cheese. Was lovely. I wish we'd done stuff like that when I was growing up. Your DD is lucky.

Thanks superbunny for taking time for me.

Well, as alwasy, late to the thread. I haven't read through all of the posts, but I will add (if you don't mind) ... you should realise that you are a complete and wonderful being in yourself. Don't look at what others have, or what you feel you are lacking (I remember you said something in another thread about having two sisters, which you were always told were really beautiful?) but rather concentrate on the wonderful things that make you uniquely you. So far, what I've gleaned from MN lurking: you have a great sense of humour, you are a wonderful mother, you have a great smile, you have a DP who loves you. Focus on these wonderful things that are uniquely you, and if you're feeling down or drained ... fake it!