How do people become confident?

[twinsetandpearls]

Dp and I have been in counselling for some time now and a recurring theme is the fact that I have no confidence in myself and tht dp is finding this very hard to live with.

I think if I dont sort this out it could be the one thing that stops dp and I being together forever. He finds it very hard in particular to understand how I m so confident at work, he has seen me teach or at work and has said that I am a completely different person.

So confident mumsnetters how do you do it?

I think you are spot on actually, this is not about dp it is about me.

ts&p, I have read all this thread and I have found out several things about you - you are a fantastic cook, you have a personal interests (photography) that interests you, despite your own childhood/background you have raised a daughter who is confident and funny (you must be a great mother to have done that), you are willing to work on yourself and your relationship, you are a good friend to other people in RL and on MN.

imo all those things are part of what make you a great person, not the size of your waist or the perfection of your looks.

I once read that what was important was not whether you were extrovert or introvert, confident or doubtful, but rather how you use those aspects of your personality to interact positively with other people. So someone extrovert who is using their personality to involve other people, or to get conversation started is using the attributes positively. Contrast that with the self-centred, over-confident loud-mouth bore who can only talk about themselves...

I guess that when you are at your best, you are a great listener, are empathetic and are interested in other people. Perhaps when you are feeling more self-centred you focus on comparing yourself negatively with others (real or imagined) perfections.

I do think that there is something about counseling (a necessary part of the process) which makes us introspective and focused on our self. For someone who is feeling a lack of confidence it can be a difficult time as you examine that.

It sounds however as though you and your dp want to make things work, and you say you like and love each other, so you will get through this difficult period. And when you do, that will be another thing for you to feel proud about.

Haven't read all posts, but I'll second MrsMerryBunnyGirlHenry - some kinds of counselling/therapy can do more harm than good. The Human Givens approach is a refreshing and effective approach, which takes care not to unnecessarily revisit painful past experiences. I can imagine that looking at 'transference' could be useful for you though, since you seem to click into a less confident version of yourself around your DP in particular.

FWIW, I can relate to how you're feeling and you have my sympathies, because it feels crap. For me, it's the other way round: I feel more or less confident and content in myself at home and with family and close friends, and in my parenting (most of the time), but find my confidence plummets outside of these comfort zones: at the school gate, in big groups of people, in a work context, at weddings and parties and in our local community. It is painful.

I haven't read Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, but I suppose that's what I'm doing - reminding myself of my strengths, and then heading out the door to this or that get-together and making myself do what I feel uncomfortable doing. I'm hoping, like other posters have said, that little by little, I will relax more and more into the 'better' version of me in these situations, and I can see it happening a little bit already.

The person in the classroom is still you, twinset. Good luck with bringing her home.

Thanks