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Original poster

OMG I dont believe this - I'M the other woman [angry]

236 replies

TwuckingFunt · 04/04/2009 18:48

Well that's it really. Just found out via facebook of all places, that my lovely, caring, generous, gorgeous (d)p of nearly a year is living with somebody

Don't want to go into too much detail about how I found out just in case his poor gf is an MNer. I am a regular btw but namechanged for obvious reasons.

I have just been physically sick and really can't believe it. It's like a nightmare, I want to kill him.

How could he do this to me? How could he do this to her?

I know you will probably ask how I didnt notice anything but I really didnt. He lives about 60 miles away but works around the corner from me and because of my DC, it was always easier for me if he came here instead of traipsing all the way up to his. He used to stay at mine a few times a week, we had weekends away together, he would ring me from home, text me all the time, spend weekends shopping, cinema etc. with me.

I feel so stupid, betrayed, hurt and angry. Please don't flame me, I feel bad enough as it is, I can honestly say there were no major warning signs. Because of my abusive, cheating XP, I'm quite an insecure person anyway so any niggling little doubts were always pushed to the back of my mind because I thought it was just my insecurities

Anyway, just wanted to write it all down. I have to try and keep it together for the DC but inside I'm destroyed

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 14/04/2009 23:09

Twucking - how was today??

It makes complete sense that you are still in love with the man you thought he was. It's hard to accept they aren't that person, which is why people go back to people who treat them terribly I still loved my Ex for a very long time, he treated me very badly (no abuse or anything like that, but he did cheat on me and generally was a shit at the end), but before that we'd had many very good years together and it's hard not to think about that....

You are doing well. x

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 15/04/2009 20:04

Every day is much the same to be honest hence I haven't been updating on a daily basis.

It is like a bereavement really, because the man I loved has gone. And I know he won't ever come back because even if he left his gf, I know I couldn't trust him after this.

I'm just glad I have DC and my job to keep my mind off things. Night times are the worst when I'm sat on my own with nobody to talk to - thats when I really miss him .

I turn my mobile off when the DC go to bed so that I cant be tempted in a moment of madness to contact him!

It's just all so sad. It is starting to get easier but still hurts like feck.

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 15/04/2009 20:10

The man you loved hasn't gone - he never existed. It was a part this creature played, an act he put on, a face he wore. It wasn't him. This man you loved - was a fiction. he never was what you thought he was. Imagine all the times you were together - what was in his head while he played this role of your boyfriend? He knew it was all fake.

That's so hard to get your head round, but if you could, it might help you let him go, emotionally.

NannyNightmare · 15/04/2009 20:36

Twucking So sorry for what you've been through.

I've been in the exact same position and would like to relate something to you.

I found myself in the position of his other GF (the one he was living with) about a decade ago ( at age). He did have a very demanding job, was a 2-hour commute away, and I did think it was genuinely easier for him to sleep in a hotel a few nights a week or over a weekend if me and DC's had something planned (he is father of DC's). Stupid me.

Apparently the other woman was being led on just the same as you and found out through a colleague (ahhh the days before Facebook ). She chucked him, and called me. I spluttered for a bit, asked several questions, and ended up both of us sobbing on the phone. But I did not doubt her genuine concern or voice, I immediately doubted DP. Things started clicking into place, adding up, sadly but surely. I left it for a few days, and it was more that he carried on as normal (albeit spending more time at home, the twat) that really pissed me off.

He's now gone and I'm married to a fabulous DH who would never dream of spending a spare moment away from me and the DC's .

I highly recommend you tell her. Once a cheater - always a cheater, I firmly believe. I also believe if I had known from him, it would have been worse than if I'd found out from her. It made me hate him more, whereas if he'd told me, he'd have cocked up and told me it was a one-night stand, etc, so I would probably have believe him .

Please tell her. All you have to do is e-mail her. If she responds, you don't even have to read it - just delete it. Please just let her know. Maybe even write a message saying 'ask DP who Twucking is. your relationship needs to know.' Then let him dig himself a hole.

It will get better - you will move on - you will find a way to be happy. I spent 7 years single before finding DH, and it was a whirlwind. I swore I'd be single the rest of my life, and me and DC's were happy, but now it's a new dimension. I sincerely believe you'll find the same happiness.

soddingNorks · 15/04/2009 21:20

Dear Twucking,

you have done brilliantly in this, even though it probably doesn't feel like it. Go the ipod, easter eggs and talking to lovely lovely friends - that's exactly what you should be doing.

I've been in your situation and took the stupid path, believed all the lies, let things drag on (conveniently it was being played out between the UK, South Africa and Australia), and let it wreck my life for 4 years before I could move on. In the 6 years since it ended for me, it has continued to wreck my life in all sorts of ways, and I continue to wish I'd told the girlfriend when I first found out. I could still, but it doesn't seem worth it now.

i hope you'll continue to do all the right things, and that it doesn't hurt too much.

GreenMonkies · 15/04/2009 21:49

Just wanted to know how you were doing. It sounds like you are forging ahead, onward and upward, I hope you feel good soon and he stops texting you.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 16/04/2009 09:10

TF you are sooo sooo strong! I'm very impressed. Well done for managing not to contact him etc.
You are right the dc must must must really help in keeping you strong.
well done again.

ChippingIn · 16/04/2009 22:10

TF, there's no need to 'update' daily. Just know that there are a lot of us here who are thinking of you and wish we could be there for you in RL, who think you have been very, very strong and are with you all the way!! If you want to 'talk' we are here, but if you don't, we'll still be here later when you do x

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 19/04/2009 11:55

Thanks all, I don't feel like I'm doing brilliantly ... until I come back and re-read this thread.

I now have a problem though. DD dropped her Nintendo Ds yesterday although it was still working fine. This morning however, it's out of charge and will not charge up at all. I've tried wiggling the connection round and nothing. Problem is, he bought it at Christmas on his Visa card (I gave him the cash). We were using his Visa to buy things online because I only have a debit card and I was scared about the amount of retailers going into administration etc. - and using Visa we would be covered.

Anyhoo, what do I do now? Do I need to contact him for the receipt/visa bill? Or shall I just try going into the shop and exchanging it? (We bought it from Argos online).

I really really don't want to have to see him if I can help it

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 19/04/2009 12:31

Since you dropped it, it's not covered by the guarantee so it won't matter if you have the receipt or not.

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 19/04/2009 12:55

Balls, ok soupy thanks.

She'll have to wait for her birthday now then, unless I put a claim on insurance I suppose

OP posts:
KiwiKat · 19/04/2009 21:49

Hi TF, just wondering how you're doing.

Dior · 19/04/2009 21:54

Has he been in touch lately?

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 21/04/2009 22:23

Yeah he's been in touch a few times. Mostly text messages saying 'X film is on Channel X tonight' or 'I just bought X DVD'

I think, as some of you have already said, he is just doing this to make me think about him.

Yes, it does make me think of him but also makes me think why the fark would you do that?

His most recent contact was a phone call on Sunday. I didnt answer, he left a voicemail saying 'I know you probably wont call me back but I just wanted to check that you and the DC were ok and to let you know that I'm thinking of you'

It is getting easier, I do have wobbly moments and teary moments still but I'm starting to smile now whenever he contacts me - not because I'm happy he has, but more because he just can't see that it's over and is making himself look more pathetic by the day!

OP posts:
Blu · 21/04/2009 22:56

Interesting than NONE of these messages say "I have moved out from my gf and told her that our relationship is over".

If he did that and THEN started contacting you to see if you might forgive him, it would perhaps prove something.

But if he is trying to re-kindle your interest before - or even without - moving out and finishing his other relationship, then he is continuing to be as emotionally dishonest as he has always been with you.

Sorry you have been treated so badly.

YanknCock · 21/04/2009 23:25

Pleased to hear you're still staying strong, not returning texts or phone calls.

Just checking in to say well done!

Dior · 22/04/2009 14:55

I am very 'proud of you' IYKWIM! You have been so much stronger than I ever could have been.

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 22/04/2009 22:18

Blu thats exactly what I think. He still thinks he can worm his way back in and I'll say 'oh come on then sweetheart, it doesnt matter that you've got a gf, I still love you ...' He knows I'm soft as muck and probably thinks I'm considering it - I don't think he realises how wrong it is what he's done!

Yankncock thank you, it is hard going I must admit it but whenever I feel the urge to reply I just turn my phone off and busy myself with something else!

Dior thank you, that means so much. Infact, your words have actually brought a tear to my eye. Once I get through to the other side of this, I'm sure I'll also be proud of myself

OP posts:
KiwiKat · 23/04/2009 14:00

Popping in very quickly to say that I'm impressed you've managed to resist those wobbly moments. Very hard to do, especially if you've had a few drinks, speaking from experience!

Blu · 23/04/2009 14:16

TF - you are doing v well.

DP was married before we got together.

A bit complicated because we had been together before, then split...then he was married, we stayed freindly, I did know his marriage was in trouble...then he said "in a few months there's somethng i want to talk to you about, but not now". He finished his marriage, sorted it all out honestly, fairly and respectfully with his exW, THEN said to me 'could we try again?'.

Had he at any pint sounded me out BEFORE splitting with his wife, I would have known that he was simply using me as back up, or an insurance policy against his failing marriage. But because he ended his marriage, come what may, and didn't betray his exW while he was actually married to her, I was prepared to listen.

But then he never lied to me in the first place - we had split when he met his exW.

Your ex's sweet-talking means NOTHING, sadly, except that he wants his ego stroking or his conscience soothing, or his rocks off!

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 25/04/2009 21:10

Just popping in to say how proud I am of the way you have been dealing with it.

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 01/05/2009 19:43

Just checking in as haven't updated for a week or so.

Well, things are getting much easier. His texts are much less frequent and I'm not thinking about him so much.

My DC have stopped asking when they will see him again, when is he coming back around etc. so I think they have accepted that it's over aswell.

I did have a revelation from him during the week though - he is also married . They are separated and have been for a few years but I never knew about her at all.

Doesnt surprise me really. Infact nothing could surprise me about him now.

I'm well rid, and now that I know that its making things much easier. The more I hear about him, the more I hate him. He's a lying, cheating no-good twunt and I rue the day I ever laid eyes on him in the first place

KiwiKat and DamonBradley, thank you. Your messages mean a lot to me.

The support I have received from all you ladies has been a lifesaver. Whenever I have had a weak moment or wanted to contact him, re-reading this thread makes me strong again. I even have it printed out next to my bed

Blu thank you for sharing that. Your DP is obviously a very decent man - hold on to him, theres not many of those around IME

OP posts:
GossipMonger · 01/05/2009 19:46

OMG! Married as well?!

You really are well rid of him TF and you have handled yourself with dignity so you should be chuffed with yourself.

Well done and hang on in there!

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 01/05/2009 21:42

GossipMonger, yes a wife and a gf!

Tbh the wife wouldn't have bothered me as they have been separated for a long time. It's the fact he didnt tell me about her IYSWIM. Another lie

OP posts:
KiwiKat · 01/05/2009 23:23

Married? And in all your time together he never mentioned an ex-(ish)wife??? Which I think he could have expalined a whole lot easier than a live-in girlfriend. This guy really takes the biscuit. Thanks for the update, glad you're doing well.