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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OMG I dont believe this - I'M the other woman [angry]

236 replies

TwuckingFunt · 04/04/2009 18:48

Well that's it really. Just found out via facebook of all places, that my lovely, caring, generous, gorgeous (d)p of nearly a year is living with somebody

Don't want to go into too much detail about how I found out just in case his poor gf is an MNer. I am a regular btw but namechanged for obvious reasons.

I have just been physically sick and really can't believe it. It's like a nightmare, I want to kill him.

How could he do this to me? How could he do this to her?

I know you will probably ask how I didnt notice anything but I really didnt. He lives about 60 miles away but works around the corner from me and because of my DC, it was always easier for me if he came here instead of traipsing all the way up to his. He used to stay at mine a few times a week, we had weekends away together, he would ring me from home, text me all the time, spend weekends shopping, cinema etc. with me.

I feel so stupid, betrayed, hurt and angry. Please don't flame me, I feel bad enough as it is, I can honestly say there were no major warning signs. Because of my abusive, cheating XP, I'm quite an insecure person anyway so any niggling little doubts were always pushed to the back of my mind because I thought it was just my insecurities

Anyway, just wanted to write it all down. I have to try and keep it together for the DC but inside I'm destroyed

OP posts:
Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 05/04/2009 22:34

scaredoflove, so sorry you had to go through this aswell

Hope you don't mind me asking but, did you tell the ow?

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MoreSpamThanGlam · 05/04/2009 22:35

Being sad is ok, in time the realisation of all the times when he has lied and said things to cover himself will start to piss you off. Allow yourself some time to be sad, then get angry...then let it go.

scaredoflove · 05/04/2009 22:39

no, he did! In the middle of me trying to walk away at the end

I told him it was over and he cried and begged me not to end it. I said he would never leave her. Then he phoned in the middle of the night and said he had told his DP, I said yeah right, so the bastard put me on speaker phone and she was crying in the background and saying he's told me everything, he's told me everything

I never spoke to him again

He hurt two woman, lied to two women, I couldn't be friends/lovers with someone that heartless and cruel

Flibbertyjibbet · 05/04/2009 22:41

No, don't be friends with him.

Its so typical of a man to say can we still be friends, to someone that he's treated like no friend ever would.

What men mean when they say 'can we still be friends' is, 'OK so we are not in a relationship anymore but can I still nip round to have sex sometimes?'

I would so email her through facebook and say 'what is my boyfriend doing on your profile?'

Then cut all contact and don't even worry yourself about what bollocks he is telling her to save his skin.

NeedCoffee · 05/04/2009 22:45

Twucking-same thing happened to me, the dp actually rang me and told me-he denied it, eventually admitted it, she moved out-similar story-she was a mate that moved in blah blah bla, lies lies lies, i ended up forgiving him, one of the stupidest things i ave ever done in my life, got prg, he left, he's never seen dd 18mo but i know(from FB!) that he is doing it again with another woman, and will probably go through life like that.

I think you should tell her, talk to her, she may blame you, but so what, she may be ok, compare notes, you'll get the hate feeling back again.

He's not called Rob btw is he?!

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 05/04/2009 22:50

Flibberty, you're probably right there. Although he wouldn't ever get the occassional shag from me anyway!

Scaredoflove, that's awful for both you and her.

How can people treat others like this? How can they spin their web of lives knowing that they will hurt the people closest to them?

I'm going to try and get some sleep in a minute, have to be up at 5.30am for work and not sure clients would appreciate seeing me looking like this!

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Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 05/04/2009 22:51

lies not lives

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Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 05/04/2009 22:54

Needcoffee, no he's not called Rob.

God, there's so many of these arseholes out there!

I'm starting to get angry again now!

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NeedCoffee · 05/04/2009 22:56

oh god, theres probably loads of them getting away with it!

don't get too angry that you can't sleep I hope you sleep well, you're so better off without a pig like that, and i'm so sorry for you that you're having to go through it.

BitOfFunnyBunny · 05/04/2009 22:57

Goodnight pet, hope you get some sleep x

HolyGuacamole · 05/04/2009 23:36

I agree with what everyone has said so far but especially "A friend would never treat you like that", "he's lying to you" and "he's blaming everyone else except his poor little self". What a fragile and vulnerable man he must be ....now, where did I put that violin?

He has the capability of living a completely separate and double life for 12 months!! Unbelievable

One thing I don't get, which seems to be hugely common on these threads is how these men who treat women like crap (either by abusing, cheating, lying etc etc) expect or somehow manage to extract some degree of sympathy from their 'victim'. The cheater expects sympathy because he is vulnerable/unhappy/nobody understands me. The abuser expects sympathy because after all, he only hits when the woman 'makes him' by upsetting him or saying something out of turn. Then the common liar, he extracts sympathy because 'he was only trying to protect you/not hurt your feelings' etc etc.

How come the woman ends up being fed a sob story that is somehow meant to negate the act that first caused the upset by turning the blame onto her? It's all 'poor me', when really the poor person is the one who has been abused/cheated on or lied to.

Argghh! Sorry, major rant.

He is a loser. And an arse. He is not worth it TF. Really hope you get a good sleep and that work flies in tomorrow.

KiwEasterKat · 06/04/2009 13:43

Hope you got some sleep last night, TF.

Numberfour · 06/04/2009 15:38

bloody hell! what an absolute arsehole he is.

stay away from him. as far as possible.

small consolation, but you will feel better one day.

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 06/04/2009 20:30

Thanks for your continued support ladies, reading your messages somehow makes me see sense when my mind starts diverting back to him.

I slept a bit better last night, must have been the Horlicks I had before bed! Still woke up a few times though and then struggled to get back to sleep, a thousand things whirring through my mind.

Anyway, I was doing really well today. I had no texts or phone calls and work was busy with clients in and out all day so I didn't really have much time to think about him tbh.

Until at about 3pm, the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers arrived for me with a note which simply said 'Truly sorry xx'. And that completely knocked me down again . I'm ashamed to say that I lost it at work, broke down and had to come home.

I still haven't contacted him, nor has he contacted me. Should I acknowledge receipt of the flowers? Or just ignore? Oh, why did he have to go and do that? I've made myself look a fool at work, and let him get to me.

So, all in all not a good day really. I feel like I've had my right leg cut off, I really do

Please tell me this will get easier!

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BibiThree · 06/04/2009 20:39

You're allowed to cry, and to feel like you are feeling. I wouldn't acknowledge the flowers, that is what he wants, they were his way of getting a response from you.

Just keep distancing yourself physically and it will begin to happen emotionally too over time.

xxx

BrokenFlipFlop · 06/04/2009 20:44

Must admit I agree with Bibi - you have nothing to feel ashamed about. You've been through a hell of a lot and lack of sleep, stress etc, its not surprising you broke down.

I don't think I would ack' the flowers either.

Hang in there, it will get easier eventually
I went through a similarish thing with an ex idiot and was simply in shock for the first few days but over time it honestly did get better.
x

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 06/04/2009 20:53

I think you're right about not acknowledging. He probably was just doing it for a response from me.

Hopefully if I just keep ignoring him, he will take the hint and leave me alone. It's just doing the ignoring which will be the hard part.

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magnummum · 06/04/2009 21:00

I'd bin the flowers and up the Horlicks . You need to put yourself first and look after yourself, get as much sleep etc as you can to cope with such an emotionally draining situation. Try to keep reminding yourself that you deserve better than this and as for being friends with him, really? when he's treated two of you in such adisrespectful way... Keep strong.

Also could you plan to do some things just with your DC and for yourself over the next few weeks, Easter etc and try and keep the focus on them and yourself and not him (easier said than done I know)

BrokenFlipFlop · 06/04/2009 21:02

It is incredibly hard - I know this sounds very sad but whenever I had an urge to text the ex idiot, I would write the text out and then save it in drafts so I coudl read it bk later on and realise how ridiculous it sounded ie what on earth do you text someone who has hurt you?

Anyway, I know it sounds crazy but it kind of reminded me that really, there was nothing to say to him - even horrible abusive stuff just wasn't worth it (bloody waste of a fee text as well!)

I'm not suggesting you should adopt my crazy ideas, just trying to get across that it does get easier... it just takes time.

x

Wigglesworth · 06/04/2009 21:10

What a fucking wanker. Shred the flowers and post them back to the sorry arse. You deserve better than that. I really wouldn't even consider being mates with him, it always ends in tears and besides a mate wouldn't do that to you. As for him playing the victim, poor me I couldn't leave her and i did it to protect you, what a pile of steaming dog shit! Tell him to go fuck himself.

TooMuchCaffeine · 06/04/2009 21:28

TF I have been through a similar situation. These men, lie, they can't help it. Even if you do become friends, it will just be that he will be being emotionally unfaithful to his partner, if he still loves you and wants you.
It is painful, and unfortunately you just have to bear that pain and go through it, it is a major loss and it will take time to move through it.
The guy that I knew tried all kinds of things to get me to be with him after I had found out - even got a job in the same department as me at work .
Just trust that you will find someone else who will respect you for the kind and loving person that you are - and respect your children too because remember he has also deceived them and is now out of their lives too and they did not even get a chance to say goodbye. What a complete shit to mess with your family's life in this way.

MuffinBaker · 06/04/2009 21:44

I think you have handled yourself brilliantly.

Ignore the flowers.

Don't tell his girlfriend, it will achieve nothing.

Cut him out completely. You can't truly be friends with someone you have shagged and loved until both of you no longer want that.

Love doens't stop instantly - much as it would be easier if it did at times.

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 06/04/2009 21:55

Everyone is probably right about not acknowledging the flowers. . .however, I'd be really annoyed that he sent them to your workplace!! How dare he disrupt your day like that! Hopefully he will get the message with your non-response.

Flip-flopping between sad and angry is exhausting, but time will make it better. It's very hard to go from someone being part of your daily life to cutting them out completely in the space of a weekend.

Be patient with yourself, you've handled it all as well as anyone possibly could so far. We're all here rooting for you!

KiwEasterKat · 06/04/2009 21:59

I'd give the flowers to someone else (is there a retirement home nearby? they might appreciate them) but I'd definitely remove them from your home. They'll only make you cry every time you look at them.

But you must allow yourself to grieve - you're marking the loss of a genuine love that you had for this man.

I know you're missing him, but you're missing the half of him that you knew, and unfortunately you can't have the good half without the selfish, lying half that you've just discovered. Perhaps it would be helpful to think of him like a chocolate with a poisonous centre ...

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 06/04/2009 22:46

He was very much part of my everyday life, infact we would phone each other 2 or 3 times a day and text in between.

He always rang me from bed before he went to sleep, or I rang him if I went first - it's times like that when I really miss him. But then I know that part is more habit and that I just need to break it.

To be honest, I'm sure his gf must already know. Looking at it from her point of view, I'd know. Then again though he's probably told her a bunch of lies aswell!

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