OMG I dont believe this - I'M the other woman [angry]

[TwuckingFunt]

Well that's it really. Just found out via facebook of all places, that my lovely, caring, generous, gorgeous (d)p of nearly a year is living with somebody

Don't want to go into too much detail about how I found out just in case his poor gf is an MNer. I am a regular btw but namechanged for obvious reasons.

I have just been physically sick and really can't believe it. It's like a nightmare, I want to kill him.

How could he do this to me? How could he do this to her?

I know you will probably ask how I didnt notice anything but I really didnt. He lives about 60 miles away but works around the corner from me and because of my DC, it was always easier for me if he came here instead of traipsing all the way up to his. He used to stay at mine a few times a week, we had weekends away together, he would ring me from home, text me all the time, spend weekends shopping, cinema etc. with me.

I feel so stupid, betrayed, hurt and angry. Please don't flame me, I feel bad enough as it is, I can honestly say there were no major warning signs. Because of my abusive, cheating XP, I'm quite an insecure person anyway so any niggling little doubts were always pushed to the back of my mind because I thought it was just my insecurities

Anyway, just wanted to write it all down. I have to try and keep it together for the DC but inside I'm destroyed

I've read all these posts too and at the end of the day this man, for all his sorrys and lovely words and stunning bouquets of flowers is a duplicitous waste of space.

You had some lovely times with him - but they were all on a totally false premise. Whatever his motives were, he is, ultimately a dishonest and untrustworthy man.

Why haven't you told his DP yet? What is stopping you? Is there something in you that wants to protect this man? Why would you want to leave his DP in ignorance when you could allow her to know the truth about the sort of man she is living with? Wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you rather than let him continue to make a complete and utter fool out of you? Tell the poor woman - she doesn't deserve it any more than you do.

Very recently, someone I know well managed to rid herself of a total waste of space of a boyfriend. Something happened which brought things to a head and her hand was forced to chuck him out. He moved out lock stock and barrel and she managed to keep him out of her life for about a week. She felt relatively strong at the start and resolved to keep him out but, like you, she said she still loved him and couldn't simply turn those feeligs off and like you, she too made the mistake of keeping in daily contact with him.

Ultimately, his crying, his contriteness and his very carefully chosen words (making sure to place all the balme on himself and none whatsoever on her) played on her vulnerability and her feelings of "losing her right arm" and sadly she took him back. Of course, he's still the total waste of space he's always been and still has all the problems he had before she kicked him out but time will tell.

Like you, despite their new hoeymoon period, she wont be able to totally forget the things he did and she would have saved herself a lot more time if she'd stayed firm and cut all contact and allowed herself to really have time out to think and ratioalise things properly. Constant contact and talking just muddies the waters. You need to think clearly.

Yes, it is hard to adjust to life - bloody hard - but sometimes you need to be strong and to stand firm. You have chidlren, right? Do they deserve to have a man in their lives who is anything other than a person they can trust and count on 100% and who has good morals and integrity? This man has shown through his actions to you and his DP that he has none of these qualitiies.

My advice to you would be first of all and most importantly - cut all contact with him straightaway, stay strong, say thanks for the memories and move on. It won't be easy but it will be worth it in the long run.

Wow, this is baaad. TF, I'm truly sorry for what you have been going through. You are a very strong woman and it's amazing how you're keeping it together.

Words fail me to describe what this man is, if he's a man at all. It is despicable to lie for a whole year, esp. knowing your past and worming his way deeper into your heart while his bed in that other place isn't even cold yet

I'm with the other posters who've advised you to expose him for what he is to his GF. I can understand how it's not up to you to break her heart, but just leaving her in the dark about this scumbag isn't exactly making her life better.

They say innocence is bliss, but do you think it'll hurt her less in 5 years if she finds out, 2 kids, nice home and an STD later???

Cut him out and delete his numbers, etc. Tell him to leave you and your dc alone and not to contact you again. Or do you want to be his new GF, so he can cheat on you and lie and deceive you in years to come? These sort of men never change. He'll find an opportunity to hurt you again.

Just read the whole thread. Two things struck me.

He is a wanker, ein Wichser, ein Arsch mit Ohren, (there, some German swearwords in case you run out of English ones).

And he sent you the flowers to make you think of him. Completely unfair, and to send them to your work too, so that you don't even have one place to escape from him.

Well done for standing strong.

Also, I meant to say why aren't you telling your family about what he's done to you? You say that you're worried what they'll think but to be hnest I think you don't really want to tell them because you're not quite sure whether you're going to have him back yet and don't want them hating him for what he's done to you and your children. perhaps you think that you don't want to burn all your boats just yet...?

I am sorry to say it but I really can see you letting this man back into your life because I can tell how vulnerable you are and I can see so many similarities in your situation and the situation I've dealt with recently (mentioned in my other post).

I would absolutely love to think that you were stronger than the person I know and that you, unlike her, are strong enough to make the right decision for you and your children.

Telling his GF/partner is maybe a risky thing to do. Well, I know if it was me, I'd want to know.

However I may be hypocritical in saying this but nobody knows how the GF will react. She might thank the OP for the heads up.....or....she could go completely mental and blame the entire thing on the OP. It's a tough call. The GF might take the attitude of believing anything that comes out of the guys mouth (he is thus far proved to be capable of the most enormous lies so wouldn't put it past him to also lay blame with the OP). She might side with him and forgive him, saving all of her hatred for the OP, she might even turn up on OPs doorstep or act stalkerish. Unfortunately you see it happen on these threads often enough.

In an ideal world, he should tell the GF and he should tell her because he wants to be honest and can't stand lying and hurting people anymore than he has done already. Am kinda doubting he has that level of decency though.

I am not saying OP should or should not not tell the GF, just saying that it is something that should be thought through and not done in haste.

That sounds pretty harsh Gunnerbean, but I can see what you mean...Twuck, don't do it!!!

Can you block his number? Just while you need t in this vulnerable phase? I tried to with my ex, but I couldn't with my kind of phone. I bought a cheap phone as a temporary measure, alerted my friends and family of my change of number and managed to ignore him for long enough.

I hope you are ok pet.

I don't see a problem HolyGuacomole - the OP simply has to preface what she tells the man's DP with something along the lines of "it's entirely up to you what you do with this information, I want you to know that I want nothing more to do with him and I felt it was my duty to let you know what sort of man you're living with".

That aside, my feeling is that the OP is still very much pondering her future with this man and that's why she's holding fire on doing anything at the moment.

Maybe it is harsh BitofFunnyBunny but experiencing what I have at first hand recently has made me see how these sorts of situations can go.

Love, the feeling of "losong one's right arm" and the grief assocaitioned wtih a relationship breakup can seriously affect a woman's ability to have any sense of perspective or to be rational and reasonable and to exercise sound judgement to help them to make good decisions and choices.

In order to do this they need time and space and the last thing they need, or should have, is these men in their ears every day contantly chipping away at them.

God it winds me up so much! I wish I could move in with this woman to help keep her strong!!

I would want to know if I were his gf. It may not be the first time he's done this, or the last. You don't know what their relationship is like, only what he's told you.

While he's been making you happy he could have been making all sorts of plans with his gf. When would be the right time for her to find out - when they're married? have kids? At least if you tell her now she has a choice about what to do with the information and whether to stay with him or not.

I've been cheated on too, and it sours everything. It's also humiliating to know that while you've been enjoying happy and special times he's been thinking of someone else.

Please tell her - but do it gently and explain your situation. If you send her an email via facebook you don't have to see her. But at least she will have a chance to rebuild her life with someone that doesn't treat her likes this and so will you.

xx

If my husband had had a serious girlfriend like this I'd want to know. I wouldn't be happy about it, but I'd want to know.
I find it odd that you'd go out with a guy for a year and never once visit his house though. He doesn't live that far away.
He sounds a real creep.
He could easily have split up from her if he really loved you. He isn't even married, it was his house and it sounds as though no kids. Did he just enjoy the lying?

TF I have just discovered this thread and have been reading in total disbelief once again. I cannot believe some men can be so disgusting!!

Well done for keeping it all together, for not contacting him, for not doing anything mad. You are everything he is not! If he had a little bit of decency left he'd leave you well alone without poisoning your life more.

Please Please cut him out of your life. What can he bring? What a tosser he is.

If I were the DG of course I'd want to know but this is not about her atm but about you. Do not think about him or her for now. Just focus on yourself and how to stay strong.

Unfortunately I have known men (not in rel with myself) who do such things. For what I saw, heard from them etc they all want their cake and eat it too. simple as that. It's all bullshit that they are weak, or the dp is needy etc. They enjoy the part of relationship with dp/dw but as it probably lacks something (don't they all?) they go and top it up on the side. It is quite as simple as that I'm afraid.

You do not deserve to be with an immature, selfish twat!

Well done once again!

Oh and yes do tell people. You are probable ashamed for him and feel a bit sorry that they'll think he is a rat. well he is. He might have some good points but they are now completely obscured by his unacceptable behaviour.

Just got in from work so posting before I go and make tea to answer some of the questions posted and also to thank you all once again for your supportive posts.

Yes, I did meet some of his friends and also colleagues over the months. This was mainly on nights out when I was out with my friends and he was out with his. We would usually meet up towards the end of the night, have a few drinks together and then get a taxi back to mine. They were obviously either all well-briefed by him and knew exactly what I was doing or maybe they had never met his gf and so just assumed I was she? I don't know and I'll probably never know.

2rebecca, not visiting his house didnt bother me. As I've said, it was always just easier if he came to me rather than me have to get back early in the morning for the DC coming home from their Dad's or having to trail all of their stuff the 60 miles or so to his house. I never asked to go to his because it was never a problem. Also, because he works so close to me and finishes after I do, it was easier for him to come to me after work, have tea and stay over etc. Out of those 12 months, I'd say he easily spent 75% of the time with me, at my house.

Like I've said, he was so good at what he did. Speaking to me from bed, ringing me when in the bath, and also what I've said above about being with me or in contact with me all the time - I still don't know how he managed it.

I havent told the ow yet but that's not to say I've ruled it out. I need to get things clear in my head first before I feck up anybody elses. As another poster mentioned, I have no idea how she'll take it and I don't want us to end up fighting because she blames me or her disbelieving me and me feeling even worse. I really don't need that, and nor do my DC.

I had a bad night last night, I lay awake for hours just crying. I keep thinking about all the things we did together and all the things he said to me. Knowing now that the last 12 months of my life have been a complete lie and a waste of my time is just quite surreal whilst also very sad.

I'm hoping to have a better night tonight, otherwise I'm going to book an appointment with the GP. I can't go on working 12 hour days and coming home to look after the DC on little/no sleep. I hate him that he's made this happen.

Anyway I need to go order a takeaway make my DC some tea but will be back later x

I know its a really difficult thing to get over, but I find it much much easier to get over someone if I completely get them out of your life.

You got over your dc's father so I would think it would be easier to get over this man... You have to keep strong and not get back with him. As if you do get back together he will think you are a fool and can always cheat on you...

I know its a really difficult thing to get over, but I find it much much easier to get over someone if I completely get them out of your life.

You got over your dc's father so I would think it would be easier to get over this man... You have to keep strong and not get back with him. As if you do get back together he will think you are a fool and can always cheat on you...

Twucking, I think it's quite sensible of you to delay telling the OW, if you even decide to tell her at all. I can understand people saying they'd want to know in her shoes, do it for the sisterhood, etc, BUT.....YOU come first right now.

Along with not knowing what kind of weird reaction you might get (and in all likelihood her first instinct probably won't be to shake your hand and thank you), you will just be further engaging with this situation, when you really need to get some distance from this man and everything/everyone associated with him. Presumably the OW would go straight to your XP, which would most likely end up with him contacting you---prolonging the agony.

You may find when you've gotten a bit more used to not having him in your life, you just won't have the energy/inclination to contact the OW. Don't beat yourself up about it. YOU are not the one behaving badly, and you have no obligation to this OW. It's okay if you don't end up contacting her. Take care of yourself first and the reevaluate.

newlysinglemummy, my XP (father to my DC) was easy to get over tbh it was more relief. He was abusive - phsyically and emotionally - as well as the cheating, so I was glad when I eventually kicked him to the curb!

Yank, I know you're right. I don't know how she will react and whilst I agree that she has a right to know, at this moment I don't think it should be me telling her. My thoughts on that may change but I could do without all the potential grief I could get from her/him/both at the moment.

I haven't heard from him today, maybe he's given up or maybe he's just giving me space for a couple of days before trying again. Only time will tell. I now have about 30 draft texts sat in my fone which I had wanted to send to him but didnt.

I'm getting there though, I just have to keep finding things to take my mind off him. This weekend is going to be particularly hard as we were going to spend it together - away in a hotel

I think the GF needs to know.

He's a total arse, you deserve better, and you are doing incredibley well and being so strong. Stay strong, get rid of him totally and when you are over this someone worthy of you will come into your life.

Good on you for NOT sending the texts. You're doing very well, remember it's not even been a week! I know it will be a hard long weekend coming up, but we'll be here for you if you need to vent. Glad you feel like you are making progress. Be good to yourself.

Hi TF,

I've just read through this thread and wanted to say I'm really sorry for what you're going through and think you are dealing with it admirably.

Earlier you mentioned the possibility of trying to remain friends with him - please don't... this man is an absolute b*stard and you don't need him in your life in any way, shape or form. You deserve better!

In terms of the OW - I think I would like to know if I was her, but you need to look after yourself first. Make sure you're ok before you consider telling the gf as it could get messy.

Stay strong

How are you doing today TF?

TF how are you? Hope you are busy with family and friends.

How awful, so for you - I would tell the OW too, when you are ready. x