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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OMG I dont believe this - I'M the other woman [angry]

236 replies

TwuckingFunt · 04/04/2009 18:48

Well that's it really. Just found out via facebook of all places, that my lovely, caring, generous, gorgeous (d)p of nearly a year is living with somebody

Don't want to go into too much detail about how I found out just in case his poor gf is an MNer. I am a regular btw but namechanged for obvious reasons.

I have just been physically sick and really can't believe it. It's like a nightmare, I want to kill him.

How could he do this to me? How could he do this to her?

I know you will probably ask how I didnt notice anything but I really didnt. He lives about 60 miles away but works around the corner from me and because of my DC, it was always easier for me if he came here instead of traipsing all the way up to his. He used to stay at mine a few times a week, we had weekends away together, he would ring me from home, text me all the time, spend weekends shopping, cinema etc. with me.

I feel so stupid, betrayed, hurt and angry. Please don't flame me, I feel bad enough as it is, I can honestly say there were no major warning signs. Because of my abusive, cheating XP, I'm quite an insecure person anyway so any niggling little doubts were always pushed to the back of my mind because I thought it was just my insecurities

Anyway, just wanted to write it all down. I have to try and keep it together for the DC but inside I'm destroyed

OP posts:
Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 04/04/2009 23:05

I just don't know anything anymore, I really don't. Its quite surreal actually, as if it's not really happening to me. Not even sure that makes sense.

DC eventually asleep so I'm going to go have a nice bath and then try to get some sleep.

Thanks for all the support, will let you know what happens tomorrow.

OP posts:
YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 05/04/2009 13:37

How are you today Twucking? Hope you managed to get some sleep.

slummymummy36 · 05/04/2009 13:41

Hope you're OK.

Just read this and feeling very sad for you.

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 05/04/2009 16:52

Didn't get much sleep last night, no. Too many things going round and round in my head. Been to the park with the DC today and doing just about anything I can think of to try and take my mind off things.

Turned my phone on about lunchtime to 24 missed calls and a bunch of texts pleading that I hear him out.

I think probably panic has set in and he's past himself that I'm going to tell his gf.

I've spoken to him briefly this afternoon and he's coming round with my phone about 6pm. My brother has agreed to have the DC for a while so that they don't have to hear any of this.

What am I going to say to him? Do I listen to his pathetic excuses? Do I shout and scream and throw things at him? I know which one I'd rather do but I also know I'm not thinking logically at the moment!

I'm still very and but need to stay strong as the last thing I want to do is break down in front of the tosser.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 05/04/2009 16:57

When he comes round at 6 you could just remain totally silent whilst he explains and digs himself an even bigger hole!! Lack of input from you will make him more nervous and it's then the truth of it all will come out!

Just remain calm and quiet..........no ranting, raving or crying from you!!

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 05/04/2009 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mrsboogie · 05/04/2009 17:01

Poor you.

If you want to hear him out do so, then either tell him to get lost forever or to go and not come back until he is single (if somehow his excuses are sooo good that you think you can forgive his lies). Tell him you are worth more than being the other woman. And if his relationship with her was that shot he wouldn't be having his photo taken out and about with her would he?

Or you could shout abuse at him, tell him you have composed an email to the other woman telling her everything and kick his sorry ass out your door.

BitOfFunnyBunny · 05/04/2009 17:04

I agree. I would be tempted to just coolly collect the phone and close the door tbh. Drop him like a stone and don't let him insult your intelligence with wheedling and excuses. He won't give you the answers you want anyway- because he is a LIAR. You can keep your dignity by keeping your interaction to a minimum, and you will just have to lick your wounds in private and get on with getting over this, because you CAN do it, and you WILL be ok in a little while, even if it doesn't feel like it now. What an arse, I'm so sorry.

onadietcokebreak · 05/04/2009 17:07

Personally I would let him hand over the phone on the doorstep. Hand over any belongings you may have of his. Wait for the hole digging and excuses and then say have you finished now when he goes quiet and calmly say. "i've had a lucky escape, Im worth more, goodbye" and close door

Then its up to you if you wanna ring girlfriend as he drives home. (sorry I would)

BibiThree · 05/04/2009 17:15

What an awful situation to be in, I'm so sorry. But please remind yourself none of this us your fault, you are not to blame for his knobbishness and you don't have to let him make you feel any worse. I agree with other posters, don't give him an inch tonight. Don't show him anything other than indefference or maybe a smidge of mild disdain.
Pick yourself up behind closed doors, don't let him see he was ever that important to you. What a &*$%£!!

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 05/04/2009 17:16

I could just take the phone over the doorstep and close the door but I know that he'll then start shouting through the letterbox etc. trying to get me to talk to him.

1 of the voicemails he left me last night, he was in tears saying he loved me and how sorry he was blah blah blah.

I live in a terraced street and it's lovely here today so there are children out playing etc. I really don't want to be washing my dirty laundry in public so will have to let him in really (even if we just stand in the passage).

The biggest worry I have is being able to remain calm and composed. The way I'm feeling, I'll just lose it and either scream and shout or break down and sob.

I have collected some bits of his which he left at mine, dvd's, clothes, toiletries etc. and will give them to him in a carrier bag.

I did contemplate cutting the clothes up (they're all designer) but then thought, No I'm better than that.

I'm honestly not sure whether to tell the gf or not. I do feel heartily sorry for her but don't know whether I could put her through what I'm going through now. I feel as though my heart has been ripped out and stamped on .

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 05/04/2009 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BrokenFlipFlop · 05/04/2009 17:19

Whilst you will want to scream and shout, I would agree with Tiffany and remain quiet and hear him attempt to explain.

Thing is, you need and deserve answers from him - its the sodding least he can do.

If you shout and throw things, he may feel justified in going straight bk to ow without telling you anything.

I'm sorry you're in this situation - its truely awful, he's an idiot.

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 05/04/2009 17:21

Agree with BOFB, if he's been able to lie to you for a year, I wouldn't trust any explanations from him to be truthful. Say 'I'm not going to give you any more opportunities to lie to me' and shut the door.

Well done for arranging for the DC to be away. If it does end in a screaming match, at least they won't be around to hear it.

I totally understand wanting to scream and throw things, but later on you generally feel bad about it and embarassed, especially if the neighbours hear (said from experience).

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 05/04/2009 17:26

crossposted with your latest post, OP. I really don't think you should let him in. If he's going to carry on yelling outside your house, you can call the police, and you should tell him you will do so.

What I said before about being embarassed should only apply if you're the one doing the screaming and carrying on!

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 05/04/2009 17:27

Thanks ladies, I'm going now to put some make up on and pull a brush through my hair so that I don't look like I've been crying and upset all day (which I have!!)

Will update later, wish me luck

OP posts:
beanieb · 05/04/2009 17:28

Why not just take the phone at the doorstep and tell him you will speak to him when you are ready to on neutral ground?

BibiThree · 05/04/2009 17:31

If you don't want a doorstep argument, but don't want to have him in either (in case you start crying/shouting), meet him on your way out. Be ready to go when he arrives, (cinema, meeting a friend for a drink, a completely ficticious event if you like, anything) so he can't hang around calling through your letter box.
Best of luck, you're going into this with the collective power of MN willing you to be strong

GossipMonger · 05/04/2009 17:36

I really feel for you TF.

I really think you have to tell the GF for her sake. What if he does this again to her? What if they have a child together and she has no idea he is a cheater? A child does not deserve to go through this too. Womankind and sisterhood and all that!

for you

How old are your children?

magnummum · 05/04/2009 19:15

What a nightmare for you. Have just read this post and you are probably in the middle of it - hope you got some answers. Nobody deserves to be treated like this - and if someone loves someone they don't behave as he has. Sorry is also very easy to say - he's probably just sorry he's got caught! Stay strong.

Original poster
TwuckingFunt · 05/04/2009 20:55

God, this weekend has possibly been the worst of my entire life

Well, he's been. I did let him in, he cried and sobbed as he told me how happy I'd made him and how he truly did love me.

Apparantly he didn't tell me in the beginning because he knew I'd already been through this with XP (he cheated on me) and so that made it hard for him to tell me . And that, the longer the relationship went on and the closer he got to me, the harder it became.

He said how gutted he was that I'd had to find out like this. That he wishes he'd told me himself rather than me seeing the photographs and making it 100 times worse .

Apparantly he's not happy with his dp, that they were mates and she moved in with him as a mate when her relationship broke down and she had nowhere to go. She helped him through a bad patch in his life and they ended up getting together when he was vulnerable and wasnt ready. I can't go into too much detail for obvious reasons.

I sat and listened, managed (somehow!!) to hold it together and only cried a little. I have no idea how I did it but I didnt scream and shout at him, I was very calm.

So after he'd told me all this I gave him his things and told him he should leave. He pleaded with me to stay in touch and asked if I would consider just being friends with him. I said I didnt know if that was a good idea while he was still with his dp but that I would think about it (like he asked).

I still love him to bits, seeing him like that today was awful but I just kept telling myself that he'd brought it all on himself.

He sent a text after he'd left saying that he didnt want to lose me out of his life completely and that whilst he totally understood if I never wanted to see him again, he'd love it if we could stay friends. I haven't replied.

OP posts:
BibiThree · 05/04/2009 20:58

You did wonderfully! If I were you i'd not reply to his text until you've at least slept on it.

You're over the worst part, you faced him, he's gone and you're okay. You will be fine. He's the loser here.

noddyholder · 05/04/2009 20:58

Why doesn't he leave her?

beanieb · 05/04/2009 20:59

Tell him you'll be friends with him once he's sorted out his miserable life. If he wants to, he will. Then you'll know if he is genuine. I wouldn't be his friend personally, not while he is still in a relationship.

Or maybe, if he wants to be friends so badly you could suggest that he and his girlfriend come over for dinner one evening, as friends.

BecauseImWoeufit · 05/04/2009 21:00

Well done. Maybe when he's left his dp you can start again - but on a different footing?