Wondering if DH is using Cocaine....

[pinkcorsage]

I know he has done drugs when he was younger - but only recreational with friends etc. He is now in his 40's with respectable job and two children. I am convinced that he is using coke sometimes, as he is a terrible liar and often comes home with one bloodshot eye, saying he got dust in his eye, or last night it was that he had been at the pub and had a bag of peanuts and rubbed salt in his eye. Also on these occasions his breath has a sort of metallic smell. When we first met about five years ago, we went out to a big event and he went off to get a drink for us. He came back about half an hour later with no drinks! But rubbing his nose and sniffing. I was fuming but didn't know him well enough to confront him at the time. Also we went to a friends wedding 2 years ago and he went off to the toilet for ages then came back saying that he had perked up a bit and he was quite restless. I probably ruined my friends wedding but I confronted him this time and he said I was being ridiculous and that he hadn't done that in years, but I know for a fact that other people at the wedding were snorting coke (he knew nobody there so not sure how that all came about.) Anyway just not sure how to tackle this. I have tried to just forget about the occasions I suspect as I know I can't prove anything, and if I say anything he will just deny it and we will have a massive argument. I know that if I am right then it is only occasional use, but still.....I don't want to be with someone who is lying to me and doing drugs when we have a family. Or does anyone think he's telling the truth????!

As an ex recreational user, I've never heard of cocaine use affecting one eye, but not saying it might not affect your DH. I would ask him outright even if you do have a row, as not asking him is festering in you and it will just get worse if you don't confront him.

I know of two people whose lives have been completely ruined by cocaine use.

Not too sure about the "recreational with friends" comment in your first sentence, that does not make it any better for either him or you. He has still become physically dependent on this and long term usage makes this scenario even more likely to arise.

I would contact these people and talk through your worries with them:-

www.talktofrank.com

Denial, lying and paranoia can go hand in hand with drug use; you are probably correct that he is using and continues to use present day.

Enough about him though. Its you and the children that matter now. You have to consider yourselves - its a half life you're living currently and no life for you and your children to witness. You cannot save or rescue someone from this; they have to want to help their own selves and accept they have a drug problem. This in his case would mean fessing up to the cocaine usage and seeking proper help for his addiction and why he started using in the first place. You cannot make him accept that he has a drug problem if he chooses to think otherwise.

No, I've never heard of the one eye thing before or the metallic smell for that matter. But the fact is you're suspicious and your suspicions won't be proved/laid to rest unless you ask him. I don't think there's anything much wrong with occasional recreational use (by that, I mean a few times a year at most and certainly not every weekend) but if that's what he's doing, you have a right to know about it.

I do know of couples though where the guy dabbles and hides it from his wife and otherwise they're perfectly OK. There's no way she'd accept it and he enjoys it without it causing problems so he keeps on doing it. I'm not saying that's right but that's how it works.

I think you need to tackle him about it, in a non-confrontational way. Try and reassure him you won't go ballistic if he owns up but that you don't want any secrets between you and that you're only concerned about your family's well-being (that includes him). If he continues to deny it, then I suppose you just have to act as if you believe him, until proven otherwise. And if he has anything that's more than a once-in-a-while habit, you'll get the evidence sooner or later.

The metallic smell is the clincher for me. I know the smell and taste well(ex-boyfriend was a user, i could always tell when he'd been using it)

pinkcorsage

Metallic taste is also commonly seen with cocaine use and abuse. If he is also still mixing with people who use then he is still using. This is what he has become mixed up in.

Its no life for your children to witness either is it let alone you; they ultimately won't thank you for staying with their Dad if you chose to do so. They could well turn around and accuse you of putting him before them.

You cannot and should not turn into his enabler - how many times have you had to make excuses for him or cover up?.

It is what you now do that is important and you must seek real life support for your own self. You cannot make someone seek help for their addiction if they do not want help or keep denying they have an actual problem.

Is it a deal breaker for you? Would having the proof enable you to give him some sort of ultimatum? Coupled with that, you want him to be honest with you good or bad?

Can't believe he might've taken cocaine at someones wedding, that's outrageous with family members around etc I mean it's not ok anytime, but doing it at a family event is so wrong.

I have no idea how you could prove it though? Cocaine is a nasty, nasty drug. Have no personal experience of taking it but having seen other people take it years ago, it brings out a certain arrogance in people which is very unattractive. It also has a very secretive and cliquey nature.

I honestly am not sure if I think this is morally right or not in terms of infringing on someones privacy but on googling there is a company who sell wipes that will turn blue when cocaine is detected on a surface, ie a credit card. Like I say, there are many rights and wrongs of 'testing' someone with or without their knowledge, but here is the site if you want to have a look.

HERE

My OH uses cocaine occassionally and recreationally.

I have always insisted that he tell me when he will be doing it, we don't have many times when it's not planned.

If I ever found out that he has been lying to me, using it without me knowing etc, then it would be a deal breaker for me.

I have questioned him a couple of times when insisted he has not.

I hope that he realises from my very firm stance on this that it would be the lying that would hurt me more and that if I discovered he wasn't being truthful then it wouldn't be good.
for me it is the lying that would piss me off more than the occassional use as that is the agreement we have come to.

I know using coke can make eyes bloodshot but is this something that depends on the amount used?

I think you need to make it absolutely clear to him that you will not tolerate lies.

Thanks all.
AttilaTheMeerkat - he is definitely not addicted, and never has been, so it is not like he is going back to "his old ways". He has been quite honest with me re the past - taking pills at a rave, the odd spliff, the odd line of coke etc. He was never a heavy drug user, so I am not worried that he has a "problem"- it's not like he needs to go to rehab or something. Thank you for your good advice though.
If I could find out for certain then it would be a deal breaker for me - as he knows that I will not tolerate any form of drug use, and also the lies would anger me. He has promised to me profusely that he would never touch drugs again and that was something he only did in younger years. I think that is what would upset me the most. I know if I confront him that he will deny it til he is blue in the face as he knows admitting it would upset me.
He has lied to me before about a couple of things, but we have gone over it and he also promises to never lie to me again. He says he only lied because he didn't want to lose me (long story nothing to do with this).
Holy Guacamole - yes, having proof would enable me to give him an ultimatum - until I have proof there is really nothing I can do as he will never admit it.
I agree about the secretive and cliqueyness - that is what I hate about it all.
I know some men do this and their wives know nothing or turn a blind eye....but I don't want to be one of those women I just want to find out the truth, tackle the problem and get on with things!

PinkCorsage - you have to be aware when posting here that there are a lot of people who will always respond to questions about drugs very negatively and will always say that any kind of drug use is both dangerous and a sign of an addict.

At the same time there are others here who understand that some drug use is purely recreational and doesn't always mean a person is addicted.

I found this out when posting (under another name) about my own experience with a partner who has indulged in some drug use so don't take it to heart.

I can see from your posts that it is the lying that is the most upsetting thing for you and I can totally understand why. Problem is that he will probably llie if he is using drugs because he probably knows how seriously it will effect your realtionship if he doesn't.

I wish Ihad some advice for you but apart from telling you to sit down with him and go through again what it would mean to you if you ever found out he was lying I don't really have any.

As far as you are concerned maybe try to trust him until you are presented with some really clear evidence because otherwise you will be tying yourself into knots worrying about somethig you can't be sure is happening. having said that I know how hard it is.

pinkcorsage

I think you're being far too nice to him and he knows how to manipulate you and push your buttons. He has used drugs in the past and you have knowledge of this yet you're still with him even though you say its a deal breaker and would not tolerate any drug use!. I think you are turning a blind eye because in your own heart you know he's using and its too painful for you to deal with so you ignore it.

Perhaps you are yourself in denial about his long term drug taking. he says he's lied because he doesn't want to lose you (snort) - he will lose his enabler if you go and that's why he does not want to lose you!.

Drug taking, denial and lying go hand in hand - of course he won't admit anything to you!. He cannot admit it to himself that he has long term drug dependency issues.

So don't call him addicted then (I would argue he may not feel he can fully function without some illegal substance) but he does seem to like trying different drugs and has done so. He is mixing in the circles - does he actually have any non addicted friends?.

He's gone from one type of drug to another - why?. Why dies he feel the need to use such illegal substances?. What's the longest he's ever gone to your knowledge without using?. What if a urine test proved beyond all reasonable doubt that he had been using subtsances within the last month?. What then for you?.

You have two children to consider here as well; its not just you any more.

You cannot even begin to tackle this for him; he has to want to help his own self and get properly clean. You cannot and should not enable him because you have done so to date.

I perhaps respind very negatively to such postings primariuly because I personally know two people whose lives have been wreaked by their long term drug use/dependency. There is no such thing to my mind as "recreational" drug use and its a poor excuse, if they want recreation they should be looking at legal methods.

Thank you namechangingdudette. I realise that drugs is an issue that is very debatable and that each and every person has a different view on it. I know there is no real answer - I think the thing that is grating me the most is that my dh knows my views and that I would hate it if he was using (even just occasionally), so I would have thought that would have been enough for him not to do it! I used to smoke and he hates smoking and has told me that if I ever smoked again that he could not be with me anymore. Because of that, even at times of stress/wanting to lose weight/had a few drinks etc, I would never touch cigarettes because I know his strong views and how disappointed he would be in me if he knew. So I feel really angry that he is willing to risk our relationship for a quick high IYSWIM.

Attila, I respect your experience with other people who's lives have been bllighted by prolonged drug use and I am sure that it is really not nice to be in this situation or know people who have, but there are thousands, millions of people in the world who take drugs recreationally and do not/have not ended up in the same situation.

It is entirely possible that a person could use coke occassionally and still be a functioning decent person. Just as it is possible with all sorts of other drugs (though not Heroin IMO).

Drug use and Lying can go hand in hand when two people who are very different and have very different attitudes to drug use come together but it doesn't always have to be that way.

There is also no proper evidence that the OP's OH is lying. May very well be that he is but at the moment there is no clear indication that he is, just that he has used drugs in the past.

The OP doesn't seem to be posting about a dependancy nor an addiction and so I think it's unhelpful to tell her that her OH must be an addict or must be lying or must be the same as the poor people you have come in contact with.

you ask if he has any non-addicted friends. Your definition of 'addicted' is very different to mine and probably different to the OP's. My OH has friends who do drugs, frineds who don't do drugs. Out of all of his friends I can think of only 2 I would call 'addicted' but I am sure that you would assume all the ones taking any kind of illegal drug must be.

Can I just add that I know personally of so many people who take drugs that you would never suspect - police officers, teachers, older people. My dad has even admitted to me that he took drugs when he was at university - and he is not an addict and never has been! I think that if you took a room of people and asked them truthfully who had taken drugs then you would be very surprised......

There is such a thing as 'recreational' drug use, much like the same things as recreational drinking - doing it every so often doesn't mean you have a problem, or that it needs to affect your life.

People use drugs for all kinds of reasons, pleasure, escapism, fun.. and this goies for everything from alcohol and cigarettes to weed and ecstacy. Most drug users are not addicts.

pinkcorsage - I think you need to ask him, but in a calm manner. Ask him why he is still doing it.

Before reading your last post, I was going to say that maybe you need to accept it as something he likes to do, possibly ask him not to do it when he is out with you as it makes you uncomfortable, but after reading what he said about you smoking, I think it is terrible double standards.

It could of course be that he isn't taking coke, but if you sespect he is, I think you need to ask.

The wedding scenario sounds like he was, though the eye thing I don't really understand. It cen definitely make your eyes water when you take it, certainly on the side of the nostril you just snorted up, but I've never seen this 'red eye' that you speak of.

Please excuse my spelling errors

However, Attila, please don't think that I am being disrespectful to your advice - it is very good advice and I think that there are some poor people who would greatly benefit from it. I am also sorry to hear that you have had friends with bad experiences, however I know my dh and I would be able to tell if he had an addiction.

I don't blame you for wanting your husband to be honest with you. Does he have a different attitude towards drugs than you do, though? I used to dabble in my pre-kids days - was never addicted. DH has never even smoked a puff of a joint. He is totally anti drugs and thinks all drug users are 'junkies'. I'm a bit more philosophical about things. Maybe he thinks it will be a deal breaker for you? Is it a deal breaker?

Thanks DSM - problem is, if I ask him, he will just deny it anyway so I don't see the point in bringing it up and causing unnecessary friction unless I have proof. Maybe it is something that he likes doing, but had I known that when we first met, I wouldn't have continued the relationship as I am not a big fan of drugs and have been in a relationship with a recreational user before and I just got lied to all the time as they knew my views. I don't want to have to suppress my views and feelings and be miserable so that I won't be lied to!! I was assured by my dh that the using was in the past (before I expressed my views, so it wasn't a deciding factor for him), so what was I to worry about? The suspicions haven't happened often enough for me to make a massive deal about it, and I have to be very careful as I still don't know for sure, and to continually accuse someone of something they haven't done.....not heading down a good road.

Yes MrsMattie it is a deal breaker and he knows that-which is why he will always lie if he is doing it.
We probably do have different views, but doesn't everyone? He doesn't like smoking and I don't like drugs. I wouldn't take up smoking again as I am with him and respect him. I am totally cool that he dabbled when he was younger - most people have haven't they? I just thought he would be a bit more responsible now he has kids. What if he gets caught/has a bad reaction, etc. Just think it's really stupid.

I also have to add that there is a difference between recreational drug taking and addiction. I'm not saying that either is ok. I have taken recreational drugs (although not cocaine or anything 'hard') in the distant past but I was never addicted and it was only ever for fun and a laugh (yes, I was young and daft). I wouldn't do it now though and I realise that for some people, recreation can turn into addiction, not always though. Many people take drugs at the weekend or whatever, but it doesn't mean they will rob their granny to get a fix or that they will abuse their nearest and dearest.

It is the lying and the suspicion that he may be taking the drug that is the problem. It doesn't sound like he is addicted. It sounds like he is not taking responsibility for his own health given that he is a father. Also, the fact that he has agreed with the OP not to do it again.

OP I know it would make a huge difference if you for example, saw him doing it. That way yo can have 'the chat' and a very serious chat too with final warnings and terms and conditions attached. Until you have proof, it is shaky ground to accuse him because he can deny it and say that you obviously don't trust him. Vicious cycle.

There is also the peer pressure element when it comes to drugs. If one person has the drugs on a night out, it is easier for them and more fun, if someone else partakes with them, sneaking off to the toilet etc - that is when it becomes cliquey and secret.

Well, you have to decide whether or not you can change your views.

Either he is using now and again, or he isn't.

If he is, he is going to continue to lie to you because he presumably knows it is a 'deal breaker', and therefore isn't going to tell you.

If he isn't, then you need to somehow realise this yourself. At the moment it sounds like if you ask him and he says he is, you will leave him, and if he says he isn't, you will think he is lying.

I think you need to decide how you feel before you confront him.

Holy G - re the peer pressure - this is another reason I suspect. DH is VERY easily led and IMO incapable of standing up for himself - he is a total sheep. Also one of his younger work colleagues was sent to prison for cocaine related offences, and I know that other colleagues of his (younger) dabble in stuff as DH has told me this in the sort of holier than thou way.

I also think you don't own a person, nor can you have the final say in anything they do. Yes, of course you can express your opinion, but ultimately if you have chosen to marry someone, you have chosen to be with them, and accept what they do.

You share a life together, but that does not mean there are aspects that you don't share.

I wouldn't expect my partner to do everything I want to do, and I certainly wouldn't want to do everything he does. I don't think he should control your smoking - if you want to smoke, then it is your choice.

Out of courtesy and respect, I wouldn't do something that my partner didn't like in front if him, I would do it when we are not together. And I wouldn't expect him to do things in front of me. But I would not expect someone to change themselves for me.

If you can only be with someone who never takes drugs, then I think you need to find someone who doesn't, not change the person you have.

The only other option is to change your views, and be accepting of your DH for who he is and what he does.

I can see your point about being stupid - this is an argument put across frequently by anti-drugs people. But, would you say the same thing for mountain climbers? Or racing drivers? Or skydivers? Or any other dangerous activity?