Hi again.
Thanks for not being too judgemental
Also before I launch into a reply which will no doubt be lengthy, pinkcorsage if you feel I am hijacking your thread or anything I post is not helping please let me know and I'll stop..
So....Going to try and answer all Attila's questions as best I can.
"Why do you think he is using in the first place, what started all this?. He made a conscious choice to start, what triggered it?"...
Superficially I think his recreational drug use started because he grew up in the clubbing 90's and that's how he and his mates got their kicks. Then again, so did I and I didn't do a lot of drugs. I was always rather fearful of them, he was ready to try anything. We didn't know each other then though.
Looking at it more deeply perhaps his family situation didn't help? Divorces, absent dad, horrible step-father, mother who moved him about a bit etc . On the other hand my parents are divorced, I went to several different schools etc and I am just not into getting my highs through drugs.
Basically I think he enjoyed the effects, the drugs were available, they went hand in hand with the clubby lifestyle etc.
"Do you think he is physically (and mentally) dependent on drug taking even if he is only using now and again?"
No. Not at all. He can say no and he does say no. However I do know that Cocaine is moreish and if he's on a night out and runs out he may want to get more - for that night.
"Why is he still mixing with people who use?"
The people he has nights out with are friends he has had for years, some since school. He doesn't do drugs every time he goes out with them. Sometimes we all go out together.
"You've been around people who use as well; it does not fully surprise me therefore that you met another person within that particular circle to start a relationship with"
Some of my best friends have taken drugs (such a cliche ) and some of my best friends would never touch a drug. My dad smoked pot for a lot of my childhood, it was he who told me about different drugs. In fact I was the rebel of my family as I was very anti-smoking and for many of my adult years I was very anti-drugs. I experimented a little in my 20's, sometimes just to see what it was like. I like to be in control though so most of the drugs I took (extacy, acid) were not for me. I was very good at saying 'no'. I lived in London for a while and hung around with friends of an Ex who all did Coke in front of me a lot. All my other friends from that period were very 'straight' or at least if they weren't, they weren't open about it with me. I never did Coke and I developed a fear and dislike of Coke which I have to this day and which I don't have about any other drug apart from Heroin but that's a given. My current boyfriend was not a part of this social group, I met him independently of all my other friends.
"Even though he now has you in his life (and I do not like him saying at all that he needs someone like you to make him use less - it makes you sound like his crutch, he needs to find his own reasons to stop using and not use another person as a reason) he has still not given up completely and that is to me sad though not surprising. He is short changing himself here as perhaps are yourself."
I agree, I maybe am short changing myself. I would love it if he stopped completely if only because I would lose that fear of him dying that I have whenever he has one of these nights out. I didn't like him saying he needs someone like me and I told him so at the time. I looked at the situation and I decided what I could live with and this is it basically. Of course there may be a man out there who ticks all the boxes, who would be perfect for me in every possible way, the man of my dreams, but I am old enough and ugly enough to know that fairy tales don't exist and I could spend my whole life searching for Mr perfect without actually finding him. Instead I found someone who I love and respect as a person and who has changed enough for me to live with.
"What if you were for instance to eventually turn around and say, "that's it I've had enough of all this crap and you must choose between the drugs and me". If you did say to him that what do you think would he choose?. Does that worry you?. This must have crossed your mind on occasion hence me asking"
I wouldn't do that. It would be more of a case of 'I am leaving because I don't want to be here any more'. If his occasional use of coke became more frequent use (or if I found out he was lyhing to me) then he knows, and I know, that I would leave. At the moment it's not 'all this crap'. If it became 'all this crap' then he would know about it as the door hit his arse.
"Do you think he could ever become fully clean and not have to use any illegal substance at all?. What d'you think he'd be like if he was fully clean?. Would you like him more?"
I don't know. I don't think he would ever say never again. I wouldn't like him more but I would be less scared that he might die suddenly. As for him being fully clean and what that would be like. I assume it would be exactly the same as the several month long stretches we have when he has not had coke for ages. As his friends all grow up, have kids etc I have noticed all of them are changing. Circumstances make it so.
"I asked about your role as I am wondering if what you are doing is giving you an overall false sense of control. Hence my wondering if you are enabling him; you are certainly condoning his actions. If you do not feel you are enabling him then what do you see your role as?. How would you define enabling someone?."
Perhaps it is a false sense of control, like I said I like being in control but I don't want to be controlling of another person. I suppose I am condoning his actions by letting him 'have the freedom' to use Coke sometimes but the way I see it is I can't actually stop him if he doesn't want to stop - and all indications from the discussions we have had are that he doesn't want to make a promise to stop as he knows there will be times when he will have nights out. So instead he and I have come to an agreement which suits us both.
How would I define enabling someone? I know someone who actually goes and buys drugs for her boyfriend. I think if I was allowing it to happen in this house then that would be enabling. I don't know really. Bit unsure about that one.
I guess that our views on this are very different and always will be because we are both starting off with different viewpoints and experiences? I believe that for many people using drugs can be similar to having a few drinks or eating some cake (only of course there are different risks associated with each of those things) and just because a person might have a slice of cake it doesn't mean they have to have all of the cake or will finish the cake and then raid the local cake shop for more.
You seem to believe that drugs = addiction.
We are just starting from different places and I don't know if either of us are completely right, IYSWIM.
Thanks for talking to me about it, it's made me think.