Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

[Janos]

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

He told me he has to stay here tonight as can't stay where he was. I said no, but he is obviously going to ignore that. Because i don't matter, do I?

Last night called me & was saying how he loved me. Thank goodness he told me, because otherwise I would have thought his behaviour showed rather the opposite!!!!

Sorry, haven't had chance to read everyone elses' posts yet - will catch up & post later hopefully

"I said no, but he is obviously going to ignore that."

Here's what you can do to stop a repeat of last time. Arrange to have a friend/family member/neighbour/whoever you can get at short notice over to visit all evening. When he rolls up, firmly tell him he's not welcome in the house and if he tries to get in, or harrass you in any way you'll call the cops. I suggest doing this with friend/family member standing directly behind you giving him the stinkeye. From the sounds of it, he'd be too cowardly to bully you in front of anyone other than the kids. Then close, lock and chain the door.

Once you've gotten rid of him, have a glass of wine and do something nice to treat yourself.

Bump
How is everyone?
Ex was round here with DSD, was lovely to see her but he didnt look happy, lots of texting back and forth - guessed it was his P. Then went out to make phone calls.
Then came in and said he'd been dumped.
Really had to suppress an ironic smile at that.
He got increasingly impatient because he wanted to go.(I was waiting for bread that DSD had helped me cook) He said "I cant stay here" at which point I thought wtf is wrong with here??? and then said "I'm upset - you remember what's its like - I dumped you, you dumped me"
I said I hadnt dumped him that was ridiculous - he went off with OW fgs!!!!
He then said that I'd dumped him before he dumped me!!!
Yeh right...that makes sense.

Anyway he then apologised and I gave DSD the loaf and sent them on their way.

Obviously just a tiff, but cant help feeling karma is at work here...

madame - serves him right if he is dumped, as long as it doesn't mean he focuses on you more

I'm getting closer to running away point

After the weekend dramas with police etc (whole other thread) he is still pita & I am wimp

Is sleeping on buses at mo, apparently gone all noble, wants to save money to put towards household costs. But means he turns up wanting shower / change clothes am & pm & hard in front of dd1 to just stand firm. But as soon as in, starts on with conciliatory talk, how must do best for kids, when can he come back and live here, I should be a grown up, put kids 1st,like he does suddenly. How I amspiteful, vindictive, selfish,how he couldlose his job being homeless & is my fault. Planned to sleep on my doorstep,or net doors (they're away) = when I said wd call police - oh how ridiculous I am not even letting him be on step! Told him to come suggest it after he's found himself welcomed in his parents' porch. He seems to have talked his mum round. His step dad won't let him stay, but then he is just like me etc etc etc

In the end I start to doubt my version, so no wonder anyone else would believe him.

Have contacted debt charity about dealing with financial stuff, so feel better about that,put end to him holding himbeing the solution over my head.

hi everyone, well today is the day i thought would NEVER arrive.

H is leaving today.

he did try to get it extended to friday but i put my foot down and said NO.

i expect some sort of drama before he goes probably to do with the kids or something, hes supposed to be taking DD out for a few hours today so i was going to spend it blitzing the house after his complete blobbing around for the last 2 weeks,its a tip.

so last night he said he wants the cabinet in my bedroom to put DD,s portable TV on,and i said when do you want it and he said tomorrow,i thought charming that,it will take me ages to sort through all the stuff in it,he could have told me last week when i asked him did he want it and he said no. SIGH..............

something weird happened yesterday,he signed for a parcel for something id ordered for DD and when i looked at the receipt he,d signed it in his first name and my maiden name,so i asked him why he,d done that (i didnt take his name when we got married i kept my maiden name) and he said oh i always do it when its something for DD, i just thought EH?
thats the first ive heard.

who knows what goes through the festering blobs mind these days?

this time tonight ill be free,i think ill have to change my name to something more appropriate!!!

madame- aw diddums,hes been dumped what a shame,ha i agree with you there karma is at work,and isnt it amazing how hes suddenly blamed you saying you dumped him?

only- hes really trying the emotional blackmail isnt he,he,ll have to do what a friend of XH,s has had to do,go and live in a hostel while he waits for housing to be sorted out, and stop snivelling around you.

What amazes me is that all these EA,s when confronted with their behaviour or us women decide enough is enough that they seem to turn into little snivelling crying boys,XH has done it last week but it didnt work,ive no doubt he,ll do it again,but it wont work, its happened too many times now.

first thing im doing tonight is ordering the lundy bancroft book,im looking forward to reading that.

onelife - I am sorry he is doing such a number on you, he is making it very hard for you to stand firm with all this emotional blackmail.
How are your supports doing? Womens Aid? Friends/family? I wish I could stand guard at your door with a baseball bat I really do!

Soontobefree - What fantastic news! Cant wait to hear how it is all going. DOnt be surprised if you feel a bit flat and anti-climactic, but hopefully you will be too busy being delighted he has gone!

Ex apologised again over text last night and said "Sorry we got lost" meaning he and I. I took that to mean that he had sorted out the tiff with OW and was feeling better.
I am quite fine with remaining on civil terms but nervous as their honeymoon period is clearly over. Still I made it quite clear that there is no future for us as a couple so hopefully this means that he fights to keep him and OW together, instead of thinking that he has me as a fallback.

I couldnt go back to that life, I really couldn't. He broke the one thing that was constant even through the abuse, and that was trust in his fidelity - sounds weird but it counted for a lot - and now its gone I have no desire at all to be back with him.

oooh MO that sounds so familiar - despite all XH's shite and EA over the years , I always used to maintain and trust his fidelity and when he broke that in a spectacular fashion, it was like the curtains fell from my eyes!
It seems likely though that OW wasnt the first (according to her) which fits with the EA I guess, I dont care anymore and she is more than welcome to him

macdoodle I have often wondered since if he was unfaithful - I like to think not but you never know. He certainly had his fair share of women throwing themselves at him, was always telling me about it, much to my amusement. OW is not so happy about that, but he shouldnt keep going on about it, so its his problem really!

Isnt it lovely not to care? And it's summer too. This is the life we deserve, sunny days, peaceful nights, happy times with our DC's and no pit of nerves in our guts wondering what they will do next.

well hes gone,the house is very quiet,no shouting,screaming or arguing........PEACE!!

i feel a bit numb tbh, i thought id be doing cartwheels around the front room but ive actually had a cry which has shocked me,but then i suppose no marriage breakup is without sadness even if its for the right reasons.

but,tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my new life and im looking forward to that.

soontobefree - hey, well done - of course you're going to have some sadness, but don't forget it's probably more sadness at the loss of the relationship you hoped for / thought you would have / deserved, rather than the loss of what it actually was, if that makes any sense.

madame & macdoodle - snap - for 3 years I also believed that the 1 thing he had going for him was fidelity - then found explicit texts on phone, then advertisements for women on internet, then phone calls to prostitutes.....

Madame - we need to form a task force of baseball bat wielders, showing these men where to go!

Soontobefree,,really well done, its a massive step. Expect to feel wobbly , the end of a marriage feels like a bereavement sometimes.Hopefully you can now live in peace like you all deserve.
Whenever i felt wobbly i looked at the enormous list i made of all the horrible things he is , things hed done, reminds me why i kicked his fat arse out.Have felt wobbly myself lateley , but thats not because i miss his stinky fat arse , its for the loss of my dreams and the harsh reality that i married a prick.

Not sure if youve had legal advice but if not i would take steps to secure any financial issues, my ex fat little prick stalled and stalled giving himself enough time to squander our savings , take loans out against our home and all sorts.

Hope you had a loveley peacefull evening soontobefree.

thanks hopeful,i did have a lovely quiet evening, it feels very strange, probably because im so used to always being on edge and somebody watching me all the time!!!!

XH is picking up DD in a while and having her for a couple of hours when he returns DS,hes being good about having the DC (at the moment) so thats helping.

Taking the kids to the park at lunch and then my friend and her DC are coming over later and we are getting a takeaway and sharing some wine

ill feel better when the kids have gone back to school on monday and im not being constantly asked where XH is.

soontobefree, you'll need to change your name soon!
hopeful - yes I have had the wobbles too, and for similar reasons, but no regrets. I am now working on myself to make sure I am never attracted to another man like that, but if i have to stay celibate for the rest of my life I will
onelife, how are you doing?

Madameovary , i will soon be going on the womans aid course , the woman i spoke to said after i do the course ill be able to spot a wanker a mile away !
Looking back, its so very obvious that he was a loser from day one.

Soontobefree, you need a fab new name !

hopefull thats great! Would you let us know how it goes?

Its meant to be a lot of fun and she said lots of women do it more than once its so good.
Ive got visions of myself with a clipboard bombarding men with questions!
"Do you have a playstation?
Are you overly attatched to your mother?
Are you bad with money?
Do you get on with your exes?
Do you have a unhealthy attitude to sex ?

Hehe, shouldnt laugh,, but its no obvious now what to look for i cant beleive i chose not to see it.
Tred to get rid of my benny hill after just a few months as i was uncomfortable with his whining about how much he loved me, lets move in, get married ect.
He cried and manipulated me into giving it another go, doesnt that say it all.
Still wake up every day gratefull the nasty little prick has gone. Have also bought some nice clothes as i feel i can wear nice things now without being haraessed for sex or perved on constantly.

hopefull, thanks so much you have cheered me up with that post

hello everyone,do you like my new name

had a bit of a bad day yesterday.

found out that XH had some women back at his new place when he had DS, DS told me that XH slept in the room with him all night but still........

i knew what he wanted was a reaction and he knew DS would tell me -which he did straightaway, so i said nothing!!!

DD was terrible last night,we had some friends over and she was hysterical,she refused to eat and just sat there sobbing for her daddy,they are close and he always did her bedtime routine, i couldnt stand seeing her like that so i had to phone him,he came round and watched a bit of TV with her.

i was annoyed with myself because i dont want to rely on him for anything,but like my friend said,i tried everything to placate her and it wasnt working,she just needed to see her daddy for a while.

so as he was going he casually said oh my housemate invited 2 friends back last night and i said oh, and he said yes they were 2 girls about 18/19 so i said oh.

then i couldnt help myself i started laughing,and he didnt look impressed!!!

oops shouldnt have done that!!!

i do need some advice about his access,without outing myself my DC have SN and need routines etc to make them feel secure,so ive got to balance that against him thinking if i let him come and see DD here hes getting his feet back under the table because he isnt!!!!!

Freeasabird, love the new name !
Snort at having girls coming round, expect this juvenile crap .
Is he likeley to maintain contact with your dcs, or will he start crying off to piss you off?
Personally i would have him see the dcs at his place and would avoid having him in your home, try to avoid contact with him yourself, ie keep him at the door .The kids will get used to it.

My biggest regret is that i let him see the dcs here , and he obviously took the oportunity to put me down and upset me.
It also meant i was continuing to have contact with him beyond what i should have , and as i was still a bit wobbly it wasnt good.
I even spent time with him for the dcs sake and tried really hard to be civil as i didnt want things to be unpleasant.
Of course this is impossible and he took full advantage of my nice nature.

On a humorous note ,, my benny hill inpersonater is in serious trouble , seems his life is going terribly wrong and hes suffering badly, all self inflicted of course!

I on the other hand am enjoying my new found freedom and am constantly told how good i look, how happy i look.
Received a letter from him the other day , went like this,
Hopefull, you are a fat little cxxx and an evil bxxxx, you have planned all of this and now ruined my life you fat little bxxxxxx. Hope your happy you fat cow, obvious you never loved me at all youve just used me you fat fxxx.
How u can live with yourself i do not know, i have lost everything , fxxx u evil bitch.
Ps, fatty.

I wonder if this is a classic case of projection with the fat thing as i am 9 stone and he is a big fat bloater !

hopeful im so that he wrote you that letter,that is AWFUL.

hes one angry guy isnt he????

XH to be fair does want to have DD at his,but she doesnt want to,she gets frightened of anything new and out of her routine, today hes taken her to his brothers and his dads house,but he said hes got to get her used to his house because he does want her to go and stay, DS has been and stayed with him and is going again tonight.

I do suspect he will cool off with regard to the DC,probably when he gets a new skank girlfriend,he,ll no doubt want DD to meet her but probably not DS,but im prepared for that.

With regards to your benny hill,perhaps you should send him a leaflet for weight watchers or slimming world in return??????

hopeful - what a vindictive, horrible letter. Well, obviously no risk that he's about to accept what he's done wrong, is there?

freeasabird - hope you soon can relish being free of the abuse, and in control of your own life again

Ex is turning up here morning & evening & today has spent whole day around, interacting with kids. Haven't had 1 occasion yet when he doesn't start telling me how in the wrong I am though.He pushes against any boundary I set, and if I don't bend to his will, he starts on with how selfish, vindictive malicious I am etc. I am selfish for wanting to split up, need to put kids 1st by staying together. Only reason I am responding this way is cos my parents split up- should never have got involved with child of divorced parents... how he sees friends who have arguments with each other but they don't act like me. Etc etc. Today he said sorry for way he carried on- nexxt thing he's on phone with hismum & telling her how ridiculous i'm being, how I'm this that and the other.

Looks like a friend of his mum will let him stay for free at her house - he wants to turn this down as quite a way away - not sure how long by public transport, could be couple of hours? And wants to be able to see kids more easily. I think he should do it on short term basis - I think he wants to be able to come & hang about in hope can weedle way back in here.

OGOL- So nothing new from ex then- blame the victim, blame the victim and blame the victim, huh?

"how he sees friends who have arguments with each other but they don't act like me."

What you've been through is rather more than the normal arguments most healthy relationships go through. He's an addict who is emotionally abusive to you, and he's selfishly and mercilessly financially exploited you to fund his habit util you're on the brink of financial meltdown. Rewriting history a tad, isn't he?

Your kids need a stable family home. That wont happen when he's being an emotionally abusive bully, running up huge drug debts and draining your bank accounts. Oh and breaking into your home, FFS! Drug addicts are not good role models for kids. Perhaps you could point that out to him the next time he tries to guilt trip you into "staying together for the sake of the kids".

Make sure he moves into this friends house, and watch as he exploits that family financially too. Guarantee it. If he isn't stealing from his hosts and pawning the family heirlooms to pay for his drug habit within a month, I'll eat my hat. They'll throw him out, and perhaps that'll be good for him. He needs to exhaust all the goodwill available to him before he "hits bottom" and realises what a scumbag he has become. Then and only then will he start to work on his problem. The more he's insulated from the damage he does, the further away that will be.

Ah, but I must remember that he has changed! He hasn't taken drugs for over a week,and he has been spending time with the kids, and has contributed some money to the household instead of just taking it all - so, everything that has happened before shouldn't really matter, should it!!! As long as he promises he won't be nasty, I should accept he's no longer that addict. Then the very next second he is proving he hasn't changed, because when i say no to him, he shows that he has absolutely no respect for how I think or feel, or what i want - and he always knows best of course.