Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

[Janos]

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

hopefull - lol at third packet of wotsits - isnt it just great to sit stuffing your face without any "comments"?

freeasabird, good for you for getting into "zzzzzz" mode. That's right, its all BS and crocodile tears and you know it, lady!
Tell him to give the car back anyway, then you can use the money as YOU want!

Well I now know that CMM was doing this to other women, it is a sad pattern he is in, and when this new woman gets pg he wil have SIX kids to FOUR different women.

What a joke he is.

Freeasabird, keep on with the driving lessons, although i know theyre expensive.Is there a freind, relative who would sit in with you and practise these things , would save you a fortune.
It really is down to confidence ( says i who only drives in a 10 mile radius and wont go on motorways ),, but for me thats due to benny hill chipping at me and sapping my confidence about my driving along with everything else.

I am trying to get a bit further afeild which is a feat of bravery in itself, i actually braved a large roundabout the other week and felt i deserved a medal !
Good luck with it, youll get there.

Hi everyone, went off radar for a while, as EA moved out on 17th May, and it took me a while to get my head round it. Amazingly, he went with very little fuss, but has constanly texted me since telling me how much he misses the kids and how what I am doing is 'so wrong'. He keeps saying he will go on an abuser course (gave him the respect website, but of course, he did nothing with it - it should be enough that he has said it - what more do I want???)He asked me if I thought the relationship was definitely over, and I said that if he completed an abuser programme, we could talk. he replied that he didn't think we would get back together - pathetic spineless loser. It's good to know how much he really values his family. On the plus side, things are a lot more peaceful around here (there's that word again)and the kids are much more settled. I feel so sad though. I know none of this is my fault, but I still feel like a failure; that I wasn't capable of picking a good man, and that I might be alone now for good. I just feel like I've messed up my life. I was so positive at one time, and felt like everything was really sorted. I was very messed up when I was younger, as a result of being raped as a kid, and I worked so hard to sort myself out, had years of therapy, and really thought I had got to a good place and had stopped making bad choices. It's hard not to somehow blame myself for this, even though I know it is irrational. Meanwhile EA is on best behaviour and pretending to be superdad, but still just as annoying. he keeps coming round to pick up the kids, and criticising my new furniture, going through the fridge and throwing out anything nearing sell by date and pretending that it's all 'for my own good'. I am actually paranoid enough now to think he might be compiling his own 'rival' diary listing all the small things I do that aren't perfect, so that he can prove what a capable father he is and that I am a flakey, lousey mother. the kids and I are all much more relaxed now and I am genuinely happier, but I have to keep reminding myself. Does it get easier, becuase at the mo, frankly, I am finding it a bit of a struggle, mainly due to excessive tiredness!Please tell me it gets easier!

Cloudbase, it DOES get easier, but it is a long and difficult road with no shortcuts.
However it is difficult because YOU took control of your life after years of being controlled, so well done!!!
It feels difficult and painful and well out of your comfort zone, but finally YOU are in the driving seat now.

And please believe me when I say that your EA will be Shitting Himself With Fear right now.
Criticising your furniture? Going through your fridge? Hahahahahaha

All signs of how desperately helpless he feels now that his victim has given him a kicking where it hurts.

"The kids and I are all much more relaxed now and I am genuinely happier"

Yes you will be, and this is just the start. Wait till you realise that one/two/three hours have passed before you even thought about him.

So pleased for you

well just got this message from orson

i know everything is over between us and im not going to argue or be funny with you.

i just want to tell you that i still love you, i know it still doesnt change anything but thats the only thing i wanted to get off my chest. i dont expect you to reply back to this. its just easier for me to tell you by text.

Right so thats that then.

that will be because yesterday i told him i intend to file for divorce citing adultery and when he started laughing i said ok we,ll go the unreasonable behaviour route then and ill list all the names of the women and what you have been up to

your choice

either adultery and i dont name names
or unreasonable behaviour and i name everyone and everything.

he said do adultery and ill sign it,

hmmm we,ll see.

but he doesnt think we should tell dd yet that he has a new house until the end of term (he doesnt want her staying overnight with him for some reason,hmm wonder why that could be?) because its important that her education is sorted out.

ok then.

Congratulations Cloudbase and freeasabird* - these men don't give up easily, and it's going to be hard, but I'm sure in the end life will be a million times better.

Can't remember when last posted.
He refused to leave the house last Thursday night, and again Sunday night.
Last night he apparently met his drug dealers who said he still owed them money, so he went to their flat to keep them sweet, but said no to taking anything- who knows what truth is. Anyway - he arrived at my front door at 1.30am - wouldn't let him in. He managed to wake dd1 who then didn't go back to sleep til 3. He then banged on door again at 4.15am. Then again at 6.40am.

Tonight he came to change after work - said would leave by 9.15pm. Started asking me to "lend" him £100 (my weekly income to cover all bills and debts at present) otherwise he'dowe more as debt would increase if couldn't pay.Told him not my responsibility, and certainly wouldn't be supporting him if he gives his earnings away.

Did end up giving him £2 for cigarettes, as he said he wouldn't leave without it, couldn't go out for a homeless night without nnicotine.

Am planning to speak to the police tomorrow about what to do- this is driving me mad, and I know dizietsma, I reqally must stop lletting him in.

I had a counselling assessment today, referred by WA, which was good.

I've also asked if dd1 can be seen by their child counsellor, as she must be affected by all that's gone on her whole life.

Best news is that have been told I'm getting Council Tax benefit,which is a relief, and they owe me some money! - how come that although the account shows I'm in credit,they have to send me a rebate form to complete before issuing a refund????

My eldest sister & bil are going to lend me money for my mortgage arrears (ex doesn't know this)

Hopefully 1 day in the not too distant future I might hear from Income Support (11 weeks now since claimed) - then if all OK,I might be able to get this man out of my life.

I cannot stand it any longer. I must give him what he wants. I cannot ask him to leave.He can knock on door any time.I am responsible for him. He is a saint and martyr - if I am angry & upset I am a child, not working together, full of anger because my poarents split up, pathetic, etc etc.

I feel like a child actually, like a toddler having a tantrum because they have no say in what's happening.But I need to grow up and take a stand. Jyst need to grow some backbone

Hinchy - just caught up on this thread, and noticed you hadn't been answered. How's it going? Do you have a solicitor? If you have documented abuse, then he shouldn't be able to get even 50% custody, but you need to talk through this with professionals who can state your case for you. Are you in touch with Womens Aid? I don't know much about your circs, but wanted you to know someone's listening

Onlygot - how did it go with the Police? How are you now? I'm sure your backbone's growing fine

.

Nearly a week since I've posted - sorry!

How is everyone?

Freeasabird - I was a bit at his terms. Shades of my ex who liked to do this sort of thing - just another way of exerting control, and never bloody did it anyway. Let us know how it goes - am crossing fingers for you.

Got a call thisd afternoon social services are coming to visit again after I called the police the other week.

It's funny that the come when something happens in the home, and come again when I'm stopping him coming in. dd1 wasn't even at home at the time,and dd2 slept through it all.

I feel worried - they should be a source ofd support in theory I suppose, but instead they always seem like a threat.

I need to sort the house out more, or they'll be horrified about that too, I know I am, only bedroom, kitchren & bathroom ok within 3 bedroom, 2 reception house . So muct don painting things & start sorting this week - suppose good motivation, as does need doing

onlygotonelife sending you good vibes for the SS this afternoon,hope it all goes ok.

madame i know,hes so controlling,isnt he?

well ive just wriiten out my reasons for divorce as im at the solicitors this afternoon to start proceedings.

i think i may just go for unreasonable behaviour and list everything hes done but ill see what she says.

well the house is in my name now as he signed it over last week-was quite shocked he did that as i expected a fight,but my sister reckons hes of the opinion that we can still be with each other but at different houses, erm no dont think so!!!

got a locksmith coming out later,as its now my house i can do what the heck i like and changing the locks is the first step.

i want him to bring back the kids Nintendo DS and im going to ask the solicitor to write to him asking for it,its not fair as they both love playing on it and last week when he came he just picked it up and said "im having that they dont play much on it"

i expect him to kick off big time when he gets the letter but i dont care, all my money is now sorted and in my name and im free of him!!

ive got debt collectors phoning left right and centre for him and im telling them hes left and giving them his mobile no and sending back letters that come here for him.

ill be back on later and let you all know what the solicitor has said,ive no doubt he will drop DS (who isnt biologically his) because he did that last time and he doesnt seem to be bothered that DD doesnt want to spend time at his house,but thats a control thing also as he prob thinks its stopping me from getting out and having a social life!!

heres to good times ahead!!

SS are probably coming Friday-they rang to let me know they are coming.

Last night he turned up at 11.40pm, banging on door, left him outside but he was back this morning, going on about lending him money if he gives me a cheque. He was resfusing to leave but then came out with dd-I forgot her hat, so found he'd left door on latch so he could get back in - locked it.

Pre school had heard from ss so asked us about that. Then he was following me, refusing to leave me alone, had to get a train in the end, as only way to escape him.

I went back to preschool to talk about things as hadn't wanted to say much in front of him.

He thought I could drop off money to his dealer he owes money to! Then his idea was for me to tell his mum it is for accommodation, so she will pay me back.

Have told him I do not want anything to do with his problem, as realise that otherwise he will always involve me as a solution to his problem, and I need to make him realise that I am not here to help him sort this
out. I find myself feeling sorry for him, but then tell myself that he doesn't care how I feel ever, why am I putting his feelings before what I want?

I am bracing myself for him turning up later, as he told me he'd be back, mentioned kicking in the door etc. When I mentioned injunctions he said he wouldn't take any notice. He's missing work to deal with his debts. What an idiot. Yet he tries to make that my fault for not just handing over the cash like a good girl. Today i actually got 11 weeks worth of Income support,and he is the first to try and borrow it. To start I did think if he gave me the cheque I would do it, but then realised no, or he will carry on coming here going on at me.

Freeasabird - you sound so strong and resolute - what fabulous progress you've made. Well done you x

onelife, hang on to that money! He must be taking up SO much of your energy right now but you are being amazing in the face of his horribly unrelenting behaviour, so please try and remember that YOU are the reasonable one!

Freeasabird I wanted to whoop for joy reading that you were changing the locks - hurrah!

Well, CMM is having his "marriage" this month. He has known OW for six months
It is painful but it is not as if I would wish to be in her shoes, more that I am still haunted by the man he pretended to be.

It is done.

have started divorce proceedings, i went in wth a list of 8 reasons why i wanted to divorce him,she read them and said we were better off going for unreasonable behaviour as i had no definate proof he had commited adultery,but i had proof that he wanted to.

i said oh he,ll kick off and she just shrugged, she said if he refuses to sign she wil get court appointed bailiffs to serve him with them.

so im relieved it has started.

locksmith has just called to say he,s on his way so ill be able to relax for the first time in ages.

onlygotonelife you are under such tremendous stress and strain at the moment, keep posting and talking it through,dont let him have any of your money tho please.

madame his "marriage" will no doubt end in tears,hes probably put on the charm and been mr pretend man just like orson was with me,they are very clever at doing that, understand why you are feeling the way you are tho

Ooh - I get to be first to say Well Done Freesabird!

Fantastic news Free, well done.

thanks

im having a bit of a dilemma,do i tell orson tomorrow at the last relate session that ive already started the divorce proceedings,or do i just wait until he gets the paperwork?

if i tell him tomorrow,he will do his usual crocodile tears act,but the counsellor may be able to talk to him and calm him down,if he gets the papers without knowing he may then very well kick off,which is not what i want.

today he tried to change the access arrangements in front of DD, "i think ill take her out tomorrow after school" he said, so i just looked at him,i didnt want to make a scene in front of the kids so when he,d gone i text him and said DD is staying with ME tomorrow night,just as we agreed and you see her on weds for tea,sat aft and sun aft, NOT FRIDAYS as well,and please dont make arrangements about access in front of the kids it isnt fair.

so he text back and said he wouldnt do it again,but hes said that before,anything i say he has to turn it around so he is in control, i find it very tedious.

Freesa - I guess the broken-record technique works though, boring as it is...

And I guess you'll know which way to go when you're in the session tomorrow - something will get said and you'll either tell him or not. But if you think it's safer to tell him in a controlled environment, then go ahead. Best of luck either way.

im starting to feel really down like im never going to get rid of him and hes never going to let me go.

yesterday we went to relate and it was the final session,i reiterated that im filing for divorce very soon and he had a smirk on his face as if he didnt believe me.

today he was supposed to pick up the kids at 12,at 12.15 no sign so i text him and got no reply (both kids are ASD and thrive on routines and were getting agitated that he was late) so i phoned him at 20 past and he said he was on his way and he picked them up at 12.30.

then he dropped DS back off at 2pm (cos he cant cope with the pair of them) and DD had a temp and he had the thermometer he text me at 3.30 to say he was bringing her back and she was really burning up, hes going in and out of my cupboards like he still lives here and im biting my lip and all the time hes smirking, i had to ask him to leave in the end and of course I was being unreasonable.

he said he didnt check DD,s temp as she doesnt like the thermometer,i said yes i know but if shes not well it needs checking, then he text me to say did DD still want macdonalds,and i said yes.

DD and DS have had macdonalds every sat tea for 4 years,its part of their routine,that means today ive seen him on 4 different occasions and he finds stupid excuses to phone or text me and i dont know what to do about it,but its getting me down,i cant stand seeing him every day but have no choice about that.

Well, you do have a choice about seeing him every day - get your driving license! How's it going? Just checked up the thread and see you aren't good on hills. Might it help to visualise his head under the wheels? Seriously, the less input he has into the DCs, the less opportunities he has for messing with their routine (and with your head)

Free - sorry you are feeling like that, but can you change access arrangements, with due regard for your DC's and their ASD?
You dont have to answer his texts, esp as he only trying to wind you up. I know its difficult, but if you dont engage, they cant, IYSWIM.
As for the smirking, can you picture a naughty schoolboy? Because that's what he is.
Smirk back at him as if you know something very amusing about him. He is doing it because he is scared. The smirk is hiding the fear. Dont fall for it!

its going good apart from hills,ive got a real phobia about rolling back into the car behind me!!!

i felt so sorry for the DC today,he had been promising them for weeks that he would take them for a chinese meal today as its fathers day,so i got the phonecall this morning,hes skint and cant afford it but he knows how much they were looking forward to it,so i said i know, what are you going to do? he said hed take them to morrisons cafe instead.

so he took them,then brought back DS after an hour,then i got a call to ask if DD could stay an extra half an hour as her cousins had only just turned up,so i said ok but no later cos shes due her anti bs, so of course he brought her back an hour later.

im sick to death of him messing around with contact, and tomorrow im waiting for him at the dop of the drive,my doors will be locked and im taking DD out of the car and saying bye bye see you tomorrow.

oh as well i forgot to mention, i told him that i didnt want him coming in here and opening the fathers day presents as it confuses the DC and i think it gives him false hope,so he said ok,so he sat in the car for 10 mins on my drive and opened all his presents with the DC, i just thought that was awful,he could have done it at the cafe.

i was dithering whether to lend
him the money for the chinese but id already lent him £15 quid last week and think hes seeing me as a bank,(im on benefits and dont work) plus hes paid out a bit for a new sattelite system and internet this week so he cant be that skint can he?

hiya madame i have changed them now,i phoned him last night and said this isnt on, yesterday he came here 4 times.

so hes going to have DD on sat afternoons from 12 til 5 then when he drops her off pick up DS and take him to his where he wil stay the night.

when he drops off DS on sun dinner he,ll pick up DD and have her till 5, he has DD for tea at his dads on a weds and DS for tea on a tuesday for tea and the DC are happy with that, its just me thats not happy with him coming and going like he does.

my sister said to me before

what you want when hes dropping her off is to hear a beep,go out and get her say goodbye and walk in your house and dont engage, thats what she does with her ex who pikcs her DC up from school as her bus from work doesnt always get her in in time.

this solicitor is takig her time,shes supposed to be phoning me to go and sign the letter she is sending to him so ill be phoning her this week

Good for you.
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