Emotional Abuse - can we talk abou t it and what it entails?

[Janos]

If we already have a thread on this then I apologise for bringing it all up again. Perhaps someone can let me know and if so I'll let the thread die quietly!

I just thought it would be helpful to talk about it, and what constitutes it so people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship could recognise what is going on as it can be so insidious and nasty, and more difficult to identify.

This is not for one moment to denigrate or draw attention away from physical or sexual abuse btw.

Erm this one is quite close to my heart and I agree that it is difficult to define and even harder to prosecute for, I know because I suffered for 6 years. Eventually a friend of mine made me talk to the Police. The first officer was high up, in charge and male, and surprisingly he was adamant that I was a victim and that I didn't have to put up with it. Unfortunately, when I got passed from pillar to post to more junior officers, they couldn't see what I was going on about until a lot of intervention from the first senior man. Eventually they pressed charges but wouldn't do it under domestic abuse. When I asked why not they said the legal system hadn't caught up yet and that harassment was better. It was a nightmare I can tell you. The case was pulled by the CPS before trial. I don't think the legal system has got their heads around it yet so how are we, hence I suppose the thread.

Late night for me , isnt technology brilliant ?
Came across an old hard drive while sorting out benny hills stuff,, and you all know what im going to say dont you.
Yes,, affairs, ,,,going back years and worse,, visits to PROSTITUTES, expensive prostitutes in brothels too , think thats why hes in so much debt.

Affairs were women he sought out, old girlfreinds from his teens , women from work suffering from domestic violence , anyone who was vulnerable or loneley , married or single , fat or thin,, didnt matter as long as they were vulnerable in some way.
Talk about a predater.

Should be upset but feel calm and releived.
Thank god i didnt find out about it years ago, because i honestly think i wouldve been so pathetic i wouldve begged and pleaded with him, done anything to please him and he wouldve used it to bully me more, i honestly dont think i wouldve coped as my self esteem was so low.
Now, i hardly recognise that person i used to be.

Feel like i now have complete freedom, emotionally, i will not ever feel guilty about the kids ever again .Although i knew it was best for them that he wasnt here, there was moments where part of me has also felt guilty for the change in lifestly, the stress , the arguments , loss of two parents and i have cried about this more than anything.
Well no more.
Sad thing is,, i bet my kids knew, whether i did or not.

I know i take the piss out of him all the time, and you all probably think im being nasty, but he really is a dog.Hes short, fat, balding, and stinks,, what any of these people saw in him i honestly dont know. He also has the most awful prem ejaculation to the point things are over before its begun.

Looking back i think things HAD to get so bad before i was willing to acknowledge it, and maybe thats why i tolerated it for so long,,maybe there has to be a massive catalougue of crap to make you act.
I think the reason i tolerated it is i knew each time he did it i liked him a little less, and i couldnt have kicked him out if i still loved him.

On a positive note, had a fab night out with a very good freind whos in a similar position. She was complaining about her partners horrid traits ie ,,hes lazy, hes rude , hes disrespectfull ect ect,,, then without batting an eye she added " yes, and his balls stink too but i dont know why ".
Lol.

Just wanted to add before anyone says, have been fully tested for stds and am fine, got myself checked out after i kicked him out and all fine.
Slaps hand to forehead,, therefore i was worried as i wouldnt have gone would i , although i dont consciously remember having reason to worry.

hopefull it really is like being under a spell I think...I am physically but by no means emotionally detached from CMM, and he still gets to me.

Visited yesterday with DSD, back to wearning the ring, but on right hand the lengths he went to to "display" it were quite funny really, but i didnt say anything. Despite it all still being quite raw I am glad she hasn't dumped him - I would really hate to have to see more of him.

His latest evidence of game playing was to pointedly buy himself a can of coke after i had been to cafe and asked if he wanted anything. He pretended that it was because it was cheaper in the shop but he was looking for me to say "Oh i would have bought you that" which I did

Just a little thing but really annoying.

Onelife yet again Dizie has it exactly right. for you.

hopeful are you sure our X,s arent brothers?????

i found a couple of months ago

he joined this site which aims to reunite you with your long lost loves, hed even used my DS,s name as his password

dating websites

find an old mate.com (looking for his first girlfriend)

sending texts asking for nude pics on FB, oh but it wasnt him,someone must have hacked into his acct

the list goes on and on and on.

i cant believe a year ago when i first found this stuff that i begged and pleaded with him to give us another chance,what must i have been thinking?

anyway i have decided to add another name onto his so he is now

orson the festering blobby kleptomaniac

orson-after brees hubbie in Desperate Housewives as he used the toile the other day when he dropped DD off and my swing bin liners have been taken.
also DD,s favourite Disney blanket has gone,but he offered to help me look for it and i said no thanks, another thing an embroidery i started 3 years ago that went missing,i found at the bottom of a cabinet the other day,now i didnt put it there,and he made a very big show of looking for it numerous times.

madame yes orson would have done that,with the coke,how their minds work i dont know

hopeful & freeasabird - ex the same- prostitutes(though apparently never has sexwith them ),advertising on gumtree for girlfriends,endlessphoning & texting - yet he still says he only has eyes for me & loves me so much.
I said no,it is like he has found a cash machine that keeps spilling out cash, so he's set up a tent to protect this wonderfulfind, andtake what he can.

freeasabird, I did wonder if i was making a big deal about the coke thing, but you've reassured me. Thank you.

Hmm I dont think CMM went on dating sites - tho he did accuse me of being on them after he typed in "naked women" and his area into a search engine and picked this random pic of a woman with her face hidden and said it was me I said if he wanted to go on dating sites could he do it in his own time and not use me as an excuse.

He told me to strip and assume the same position so he could compare us. I was tired and pissed off (he'd got me out of bed to rant at me) and I just told him to go fck himself and went upstairs with his "Pack your bags" (the usual threat) ringing in my ears.
In the morning he apologised and said he thought he was going insane. Obviously hadnt expected me to be quite so scornful, but the whole idea was just ridiculous.

I dont know. He probably was messaging women - he was certainly getting emails from some of those sites but claimed not to be doing anything about it. I'd been through this with xxp and CMM just didnt seem furtive enough. He'd also leave his phone out quite happily and said I could look at it whenever I wanted.

Oh well if he is that sort then he is someone elses problem now.

Hi Folks

Another recruit...

I had an emotionally abusive mother and sister, a father who EA'd my mother, naturally I got suckered in too by the way their relationship worked, and I was trying so hard to avoid it...

My not so dh and I have two dc together.

Is this EA...just to confirm I'm not living in fantasy land...

1. Sarcastic 'yes' 'no's' 'well you had better do so then's' etc...to much of what I say if he's that way out.

1. Literally does not hear a word I say...apparently I talk so much and none of it of interest so he just turns off. To the point he missed me saying in many conversations over a week about having to ring 999 when I went into labour...how the feck do you miss that in a conversation???? And so many other things naturally I can't remember many exact examples but regually have the 'you did not say' 'yes I did at least 3 times'. Sounds like normal nagging woman stuff...oh god I'm normalising the fact he does not find me interesting to listen too...how come other male friends do and my female friends?

1. I'll call it what it is...as another lady said on here...I was raped after dc1 was born. At 4 wks postnatal I suggested we 'try' to have sex...in a experimental way...had had many stitches as he knew. Oh he tried...and when I said 'ow, it hurts' 'no' then 'stop' he continued... That is rape? I said 'try' then when we did, I stopped giving my consent, I told him on at least 3 occasions to stop and I think i also pushed at him. I talked to him about it after...he said he did not want to lose erection . And he would not apologise. He never apologises for his behaviour.

1. After dc1 born, despite me having no one else to turn to, he refused all affection as 'dc1 needed it'. I had, I now know, PND and he just seemed oblivious. He will hug dc, he will hug his dogs but won't me. He says I look hostile, even with my back turned he has said he does not like hugs himself so won't give them to me. It has now been 7 weeks since I had a hug, excluding the one time I got into bed (our dc2 is 7 wks) with him and he did give me a few nice squeezes and amazingly did not ask for sex.

However today...behaviour change...he brings me and dc1 chocolate cake home. I actually asked why as he had never done anything like that...well not since we were married. SOmething odd going on there , but does show he has a nice side too. However my friend was round and he mentioned her being here was another reason as we like cake and he was charming and friendly too her and her dc and our dc. Though he did get sharp with me when I did not understand something he did not word very well...bit humiliating...but friend is aware of some of what is going on and has said its not right, so I know she will not have wool pulled over her eyes. Oh and hes a fantastic dad too...so makes me guilty being on here talking about my dc's father like this. But I'm not happy.

Really hoping I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill and I can be normal with him after writing this. Don't get online much at moment...so may be a while before I get on again... And my friends think I've changed too...

Oh and he also mentioned casually how he would never let a woman with his children to divorce him...perhaps he feels an icy wind blowing? And no, there has been no sex since before dc2 born...ain't going down that road again...want to wait for a genuine apology first...that could be a long time coming

Thank you for reading and support to everyone here...it truly sucks being treated this way.

Hullabaloo2 (and hope I can remember new nickname!)

x

Welcome Hullabaloo2

Thanks for taking the time to share your story with us.
Yes it is Emotional and Physical Abuse he is inflicting on you.

You asked him to stop penetration because you were in pain, and he ignored you, and continued. That is sexual assault, plain and simple.
He did not apologise.
He justified it by saying he did not want to lose his erection

Good for you for refusing sex. This man wouldnt know how to be loving and intimate if his life depended on it.

He withholds affection, and ignores attempts to communicate.

All classic abusive behaviour.

He behaves so appallingly, that you see his bringing you chocolate cake as something to note

I have just spent a lovely evening with my oldest friend who has been married for 20 years to a man who, when her DD was small would take over the childcare the minute he got in from work. Now they both work, but he is with the kids while she enjoys a weekend to herself. And she returns the favour.

He can cook, clean, and is an early riser, so lets her have a lie in at weekends.

Their relationship is all about communication, trust, RESPECT, and equality.

And neither of them would claim to be perfect, they just have worked hard at their marriage. It shouldnt be seen as anything special, but to people like us, it is.

Hope you find this thread useful, and please try to read the Lundy Bancroft book, its a great starting point to make sense of your situation. Also Women's Aid are fantastic if/when you have decided enough is enough.

hi hullabaloo2

yes your h is an EA, terrible,really bad that he wouldnt stop when you wouldnt ask him to.

oh i forgot about Orson not remembering conversations we had,lots and lots of times he,d say what you never told me that,and i say yes i did on such and such a day, he couldnt remember to pay a bill,or if id ask him to do some menial task oh but he could remember when he was running out of cigs or needed money for something he wanted

so today orson brought DS back after 2 hours because DS was bored, (that would be because he took him to his brothers and DS doesnt get on with the kids there), then he was trying to bring DD back an hour earlier,his concern that DS might be hungry and want his tea (he was getting kids mcdonalds) then he came in and dumped a load of toys he,d brought DD here,
when i asked why he couldnt take them to his house he didnt have an answer.
then more texting to DS and reminding him he,d forgotten his pillow would he like him to drop it off,so i said yes at the end of the road.

he still hasnt got a job and is going to run out of money soon,he could have started yesterday but thought i might need a break from the kids,i said no ill be fine but no he didnt go in.

at least hes out of here now and not damaging my mental health any more,but im having to hide bin bags and other stupid stuff he might feel the need to take, (he nicked a needle and thread from his dads the other week,why i dont know when i had plenty)

Hello everyone,
firstly can I say how helpful this has been for me. I have never felt so alone and luckily google has bought me all of you which to be honest might just save me (I think?!) I feel like I am going mad. My partner (who is not the biological father to my two little ones) has some serious issues. When we met I was a single mum at 23 with two children. We have lived together for 18 months. He has a temper and reacts to ridiculous things. Generally my past and being questioned about normal conversation (e.g who are you texting? What you doing on the computer?) He thinks I'm paranoid and distrusting. I'm actually not at all. I don't believe he would cheat on me. I really don't. I'm just nosy/ curious and making conversation. Is that wrong? He tells me it is? So now I don't want to ask in case he thinks I am questioning him. He has made me feel so 'disgusting' and ashamed of myself that when he gets angry and says the most awful degrading things to me that I started self harming last year. I know that sounds dramatic and I don't expect anyone to understand but he says things like 'people are laughing at me for being with you' and that I have behaved in the past (before I met him) like a 'disgusting chavy whore and I should go back to that' as if that reflects who I am now(years on). Is that fair? He makes me believe it is. However he also adores me. He is so amazing to me and I can't fault him with the children. He is brilliant in that department. He sends me the sweetest messages and I really believe he loves me but its like something in him suddenly clicks and he changes. He suddenly wont have sex with me-tells me I smell like sex and accuses me of seeing other men. He leaves me and then texts me abusive messages and then comes back and apologises (90% of the time). He knows he is vile and has issues and he is sorry. He says I only say it because I am angry and you know I don't mean it. You know I adore you. So does that make it okay? I don't know. Should I be strong enough to recognise this and dismiss the things he says in anger? Is that normal?
I continue because I love him and the good times are wonderful, But the cycle continues. People tell me he is controlling. I left on Tuesday as he was vile to me again and I can no longer go through days of not eating, sleeping and hurting myself when I have two children to look after and so staying with family at the moment. Feel so alone. He was begging to talk to me for two days and I asked him to leave me alone. Have told him we need to get help if we are going to give it a go. I have now got the strength to talk to him (just about) and he pretty much ignores me. I don't know what to do or what to tell the children. They adore him and he is more than perfect to me 80% of the time but the other 20% is really messing me up. Its so extreme and I can't stand up to him. I just cry and he says I'm pathetic. Please help me. I feel so alone. Is this mental abuse or am I over-reacting? Everyone around me is telling me to run and that he is cruel to me and I don't deserve it but I feel like I do and I love him and not stopped crying and feel ill without him. Please help me find some answers. x

Hi feefee - I'mso sorry to hear about the way you're being treated. It is abusive - it's not up to you to be "strong enough" to ignore the horrible things he says - he should respect you enough that he doesn't treat you like that, shouldn't he?

Of course he is nice some of the time - few people are horrible constantly - it's the nice times that keep you hooked into the relationship.

I'm not very good at advice, but know that you're not alone, it's not OK to be treated like this, and you don't have to put up with it. Someone that really loved you wouldn't treat you like this. A brilliant dad wouldn't treat the mum this way. Womens Aid is a great organisation, and a chat to them can help you see what's going on. Several books have been recommended on here like the one by Lundy Bancroft - well worth a read so you can get a clearer idea of what is happening.

Hullabaloo - sorry about your story too, especially the rape, and the lack of support when you have a newborn. Definitely another EA

Thank you for your reply. I just feel it's all in my head. I just want this feeling to be over. I'm so scared of doing the wrong thing. x

Feelfree, sorry you are going through this, its sad but it all sounds very typical of these abusive twats.
Its not you, its not about you, and its not your fault.Your down and upset because your feeling feelings that are not yours,, their his, and he projects all this shit onto you.

Many of us have said they are fantastic fathers, but when you think about it carefully, no theyre not.How many of us would drop our children off at nursery , school or a freinds where this was going on?

They are excellant at putting you down, the degrading stuff you mention works particularly well,,they sap your confidence and make you feel like you cant live without them, but you can.
Two years ago i was married to a man like you describe and completeley dependant on him, emotionally, financially everything.

Had all the insults , put downs , degrading comments, sexual abuse i was too scared to object to,, i cried every day and at one point seriosly considered suicide i was so low.
Ive managed to get out, and so can you, and you wont look back.

Id beat mine senseless if he started on me now,, far cry from the sobbing wreck i once was.

Theres lots of help available, this threads particularly good, perhaps read it from the begiining, theres the book that everyone mentions ( what an eye opener ) , there womans aid and counselling from your gp will help, best thing i ever did.

It can seem like an impossible task to recover your self confidence, but you can and will,, i looked at it as though he had stolen something from me and i wanted it back.
None of what you describe is normal or ok, let your family help you .

Keep posting, everyone here is loveley and will support you.

Feefee Someone suggested to me that my ex arsehole sounds like he might have a personality disorder.
Am no shrink, but certainly when i looked at the symptoms and behaviours they display it sounded like my ex, the rage, hysterical tantrums,the denial of what theyve said, the ridiculous accusations they come out with, and this love you / hate you cycle.

Cant do links im afraid, but definateley worth a look i think.

hopefull do you mean Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Madameovary,, i think mine has traits similar to someone with borderline personality disorder .
Either way hes not normal !

I've just read the NPD link on wikipedia.

That sounds almost EXACTLY like my XP.

okay. So saw him today to 'talk'. We had a really good talk and he has acknowledged he is vile and has issues but also told me that I have issues and I know this is true and I need to work on it too. He has said we should see a councillor and work through it. Everyone is telling me to stay away from him but I love him. I am so confused. When it is good it is really good and believe he loves me but when it is bad its awful. Do people like him change? Is it possible? Has anyone out there been the abuser and changed and if so how? And what do we the one on the receiving end do to help. If we can? I want it to work out so badly but am scared of it going back, which is what everyone is saying it will do. But I miss him and love him. x x x

Feefee judging from my own experience and that of others plus everything I have read about EA, the only way an abuser can change is to undergo a program for abusers and to acknowledge what they are doing.

Already your EA is deflecting the problem back to you saying you have "issues". But surely you're not treating him anyway as badly as he is you?

EA's tend to focus on sny weakness or personality trait you have (for me it is getting stressed - he claims I have mental health problems)and twist them and blow them out of proportion.

It was helpful for me to keep a diary of the abuse and read it back and think how I would feel if that was my DD experincing it.

The process of recognising the abuse and realising that it is wrong and you deserve better can take a long time.

Keep posting on here for advice.

My STBXH is most definitely a narcissist. He lives in a fantasy world where he is a highly successful business man. In reality he's been unemployed for years and just taken a job as a caretaker. Apparently his on-line dating has hooked him a new GF who loves him properly and makes him happy, which I failed to do. She's a high-flying city lawyer, wonder how long she'll take to realise the truth. Makes you worry about dating agencies and the crazies who might be registered there!

I've also got his mummy threatening to come round and scold me for being so beastly to him! I have ruined his life apparently, the way he talks is exactly like Benny Hill's letter.

It's great to hear you're getting free FreeAsABird!

feefee - the abuser will always blame you - personally I end up feeling very confused and wondering if I am the cause - but then I read previous posts,or diaries I've kept of his behaviour, and I know he has treated me badly. Then he'll say we both have anger issues, he'll ask me if I'm going to change too.

I don't think you can really help someone to change, and until they stop putting blame back onto you, there's no way they're even accepting how wrong their behaviour is.

But I feel for you, because it is so confusing, and difficult, and you hang on to the good times and hope that's what is real.

Couple counselling is really not recommended where there is abuse in the relationship. Sometimes it can end up with providing support / justification for the abuser.

Im crawling out of the woodwork a bit here as a reglar MNer but namechanged who has found this thread very cathartic and useful in processing some baggage, and who might be able to support and give some hope.

I ended up moving out of home at the age of 18 and fell straight into a relationship with a man who seemed perfect for about the first 3 months. And then the oddness started and followed the classic patterns so many have described on here - control of looks, clothes, monitoring of your time or position, arguments where your opinions/beliefs/right to comment etc were ridiculed, Mock fights that went on and on and started to hurt, "but I was only playing/joking..." Sexually being pushed into acts and behaiours you arent comfortable with, all of this tempered with some kind acts to reel you in and some utterly heartless ones to jerk you around.

I found myself (on student income) somehow always short of money and doing his washing and cleaning even before we moved in, while he indulged his every whim, totally out of pocket because of his cocklodging ways, downplaying my achivements because he was threatened by them, not socialising for fear of his reaction, putting up with infidelity and physical abuse

but the biggest thing I remember about those days was the sense of shifting sands, the arguments being turned against me, feeling that I was going insane, that I was irrational, that I was the problem, and its almost impossible to describe that feeling. I even ended up in councelling at the time because apparently I needed to work on my issues. I gained weight, became clinically depressed, was offered medication. I have never had so many physical problems, headaches or illnesses in my life as during that period, mostly somatising I suspect now. I was brimful of ideas about romantic love and not giving up on people and that people could be changed for the better which did not help at all!

I got out eventually (oddly I had a big moment of clarity and realised during one of the interminable arguments/political discussions we used to have that he was really shallow and stupid and was trying to browbeat me on a subject he didnt have a clue about!) this sounds crazy now but I have a lot of confidence in some aspects of my life and realised that I couldnt continue to subvert my opinions or personality and be happy. The relationship lasted 18 months, most of it miserable. I got out, but with distorted judgement and priorities and it was very messy. I dont think I have ever sat down and analysed or processed things until today.

I had one other serious relationship since then which was started from the aftermath of that first disaster and in hindsight was not the best idea, but was nowhere near as damaging or malign. Oddly enough my depression and physical problems ended with that first relationship. I have (almost ) pulled myself out of debt, restarted sports and hobbies I had given up during that time and taken up new interests and a new career that I could never have dreamed of while in that relationship.

Years on I met DP and am still continually astonished at how far I have come since those days. I am happy, I have a true friend and partner who shares everything with me, good or bad, who is secure in himself and his worth. We have just had a baby which is something that brought it all back to me in a way- when EA chap and I discussed children I remember feeling very stressed because I fundementally knew at the time I did not want to be connected to him forever.

I think its hard for those who havent been in a relationship with an EA to understand the full insidiousness and destructiveness of it- feefee I could have written your posts 10 years ago, and just wanted to give you a hug and say - its not you, you are not going mad, his behaviour and attitude are the problem and you will get out of this.

I dont know how to finish this essay other than with hope - like some of the other women on this thread laughing at their Benny Hills,(I want to call mine The Drip Man, please I am feeling sucessful and happy and in a good relationship with a real man. It tore me apart at the time to end things but it was one of the best things I ever did.

Thank you for the acknowledgement...it is EA.

Just spent last day or so just absorbing the implications and doing the usual...'maybe its just me' isms that I did with family. Family are down the pan btw...dh did put pressure on me to split from them...however that was on the cards anyway...I do see that as a blessing that I had dh to back me up. ONly to get EA by dh...oh lordy. I really do not want my dc growing up hearing the way he speaks to me. No one else speaks to me like that. I have tried talking to him...he has no problem...I have had councelling over my childhood EA...councellor when I talked of dh, as he thought with my family...basically I needed to change my behaviour to point the way to them needless to say it did not work with family and does not work with dh. I will try talking to him again when I get the guts to do so...probably when he mentions sex...not mentioned it yet. Want to broach topic non controversially and suggest he changes behaviour before sex happens and I need it to be real change, not just to get leg over...

Better go...got dc2 crying, feeling failure today because I don't have enough friends...fuelled by dh telling me dc1 needs more child company...have 2 good friends with kids ffs and dc1 goes to playgroup 3 x a week...and we go to a baby group for dc2 once a week...even if I'm apathetic and depressed I still get them out of the house and around kids generally 5 mornings a week!

Am I imagining all this and will manage to move on and I will accept dh the way he is? Just don't want dc to suffer same fate as me

hello again

Hope evryone is well, thought I would come back on here as ex H is sending me crazy. Going to solictors today, he has already been and now has admitted I can divorce him on the grounds of adultery. He claims he only needs to pay me £80.00 per month, eventhough I have written proof he is supposed to be paying my rent. Threatened to come and get me last night and has now rented a house a few doors away.He now says he is going for joint custody and I an a crap parent. Continually texting me this morning told him in the end to leave me alone, does anyone know with everything which has done 7 sides of A4 with things he has done will stop him from getting joint custody, feel like although i have left he still trying to take off me still.

oh orson is doing my head in.

yesterday he dropped DD off,he came in and asked did i mind if he made himself a brew as he hadnt had one all day,then dropping mega hints about what hes going to have for his tea (i was cooking DS,s) using DDs hairbrush yesterday and this morning as he hasnt had time to buy one.
telling me dd wants us all to go to london.
asking me to find the address of the job centre,- i said its in the middle of town,he replies no i need you to find me the address and text it to me.

this evening when he dropped dd off i had to ask him 4 times to go home, hes really driving me nuts.

told me id better not shop him to the csa and i said if they ask me to or stop my benefits then i will,him not happy at that.

oh and telling me more girls have been back to his so i said oh right,-i mean does he expect me to start crying??????? i actually want him to get a girlfriend because he might leave me alone then.

god give me strength,whens he going to get the message??????

please tell me its going to get better