I slapped the ow last night and i feel soooo much better!

[ambercat]

thats it really, feel like i have closure now!!

I think most people who have been there and didnt thump the OW would say they were glad they didnt, that doesnt mean they arent sympathetic to the OP and understand why completely.

Hi McD step away from the edge mate!

Im sure we all lived in Haribos world before it happened to us, but even if I hadnt I would have more sympathy for the OP.

By flummery on Tue 17-Mar-09 10:49:29
I think that's a little cartoonish, JaneSeymour. A woman who chooses not to simply walk away in the event of an affair is not necessarily fighting to 'win' or asserting possession of her partner.

I understand that Flummery

But in OP situation and her own words she is talking about it in a cartoonish fashion.

I didn't say or mean that all betrayed women who stay with their husband are stupid, by any means or asserting possession or fighting the mistress

just that treating it as a battle with the other woman seems particularly pointless and I am depressed to see it happening.

oh you are so full of it GM and so self righteous!!!
Well I am a doctor, a GP to be exact and thats probably the only reason I never slapped the OW the risk to my livelihood!!
I am a controlled educated intelligent well brought up person, I dont like violence I dont even particulalrly like arguments!!
And until I found out my XH was having an affair I thought that I would chuck him out, blame him divorce him all the usual stuff!!! When it happened it really wasnt all that simple, I would never ever have dreamed that I would be stood in the street screaming at the OW but I did She tormented me, texted me, lied to me and about me, stalked me, stalked my XH (and FFS YES ITS HIS FAULT I know but she was like a demented bunny boiler)... It was honestly the worst years of my life, I fought for my family, the past I had, the future I thought I had, for my children, the things I hoped and dreamed for them - I didnt fight because I thought I owned my XH, but in the end I admitted defeat!
I would never ever wish what happened to me on anyone, but jeez get off your high horse and just admit that sometimes things happen in life that we cant control and maybe just maybe we behave a little out of character

eerm the person my exh had an affair with ?

I don't see things in such black and white terms and I hate the use of derogatory terms such as slapper, whore etc esp to describe women.

I could have easily had an affair (with a single man) towards the end of my marriage, don't think my exh or h at the time would have really cared. I don't think that would have made me a slapper or the OM and I would not have found it particuarly wrong in the circumstances.

aahhh WW I got dragged back in and is my lunch break am supposed to be relaxing .....help!!!!!!!!

the OW in your case McD does sound particularly unhinged.

Dont let it get to you McD, youve moved on now. I dont think we will ever understand how some people think so why try - they probably seem quite normal in RL

Macdoodle, I think you are right that most of us are capable of acting out of character. That doesn't stop us from judging our behaviour with hindsight as not necessarily correct or useful.

Sincity, I am with you on the names. It's horrid.
I've been on both sides - a mistress and also cheated on by my child's father.

Yes, I felt slightly angry with the other woman, but it was him I blamed. She took someone's heart when it was available to her. He offered it to her, sounding trite here but it's the truth.

I didn't feel I possessed him - loved him, yes, beyond anything I'd ever imagined - but he had chosen to give himself away, and I don't think that made her to blame in any way. My anger towards her was displacement activity. What I really felt was anger at myself for allowing myself to become involved with such a tosser, for trusting him, for not seeing the sigtns - anger that was almost too much to bear. And deep, deep grief that lasted years.

But then, I imagine the woman whose husband I dated years ago also felt rather like that. It's just a crappy situation, there are no winners.

I would never have wanted to take out my anger on a woman I didn't even know. I felt I'd no right whatsoever to do that.

But I dont think it was just the matter of the affair was it...sometimes the OW becomes almost obsessed by the wife so by the same token is blaming the wife for the fact that the man choses to stay. I think in that situation whilst it is not right, it is understandable that the wife snaps eventually.

no and in my case one of the women I suspected was on the other side of the world.

There is a saying don't shit on your own doorstep and I think that is wise advice if you must play away.

Ie the potential for explosions is more if you are stupid enough to pick a local person, a work colleague, someone from your village etc

Sorry wasn't meaning to sound flippant its more of world weariness

I think that was ambercats issue she said "she has no friends here and lives 100miles away" therefore turning up in the same place seems more by design than coincidence doesnt it? If she lived round the corner then ambercat would expect to see her and would be mentally prepared to bump in to her (as much as you can be) but seems a little deliberate in those circumstances.

JaneS, I completely agree with you about feeling so strongly and yet not doing it.

My experience was much like McD's except that the whole thing culminated in DH having a complete breakdown and being hospitalised. It took us several years to rebuild our lives, including his career and our financial security. As our boss she had a lot of power over both of us and she used that power in a very destructive fashion. She tried to have me sacked. She stalked both of us by text, via email and in person. She lied and harassed and manipulated. It was a complete and utter nightmare and very different to the stereotypical image of an affair.

There was enormous pressure on me to blame him and just dump him from many women around me. There was an assumption that he must just be an weak, unfaithful prick. There were plenty of people who initially felt that my fear of and anger towards her was misplaced. There's a widespread, and growing, belief that an affair is only about the couple and a sign that there was something wrong with the relationship and that the OW/OM is irrelevant. Of course that will be true in some cases, but it's too simplistic to apply in every case.

OW haunted us for a long time, even as she was in another city and in the process of becoming entangled in another family - and it does seem to be very much about the family for her. Through her mother I later learned that she had been diagnosed with NPD.

Sometimes relationships break down because they're flawed, or under pressure and not strong enough to handle it. Sometimes people stray because they are with the wrong person and choose to dabble rather than face that, sometimes it's because the straying partner likes the excitement, sometimes affairs happen because two people meet when they're already committed and fall deeply in love.

Having been forced to deal with the complexity of an affair it's confronting and frustrating to read post after post stating that it's all about the one who strays and that the OW/M bears no responsibility. In some cases that will be true, but not in all. It's as shallow and easy to believe that every man who cheats is a faithless dickwad led by his prick, and no more accurate or enlightened than to label every OW a skanky slapper.

I felt angry at first toward the ow - as she did know me and i suppose i would feel angry at anyone that could allow me to get so low without telling what was going on (yes my h was more to blame). After a while i felt much more anger towards my h and in fact the poor ow was just that - someone else to shag instead of me.
But when i spoke to the ow to say 'we are going to have to meet at some point - she and h worked together' she snapped and said i had no idea how much h and I had hurt her and she hated ME for doing this to her.

The ow wants to believe all the lies about the wife, and so too does the wife want to believe all the lies about the ow.

It is also interesting that it is rarely the man who makes the choice - it will either be the ow or the wife who eventually says enough is enough.

In my case i said enough was enough and started divorce proceedings - the ow was delighted she finally had him (but then she had staked a lot on this - having left her h and dc),

What actually happened and ow doesnt really know this - is H couldnt handle it all and literally begged and begged and begged. She of course will read it that i was willing to take him back - but the truth is it was a very long time before i could even say we were making another go of it. In fact even now i would still consider this to be a 'new' relationship - its just with a man i once knew - he got lost for a while and we parted and then he did everything to win me back. I dont know if it will last - i am not willing to re-do my vows yet and not sure i ever want to again to be honest, but having said that it is good and for the moment i am enjoying what it brings.

It wasnt a competition (although i will admit there was a strong urge to fight and win), but actually i lost and was living alone for a while.

I dont really care what the ow thinks of me or that i was a doormat for having the lying cheating scumbag back - i certainly dont think he is anymore (but maybe i will be proved wrong), unfortunately she only experienced him with lies and never really saw this side of him. I actually dont care what others think as much now and again that is something i have learned to be happy with.

Whatever the final outcome - i am a much happier person in myself now, and i think h sees that too.
I hope he has learned many things about himself too.

I would also like to add that during my worst times mumsnet was a lifesaver, no-one gave me a hard time for wanting to punch his her in fact anyones lights out at the time and i am not sure i would have stayed around long if i had been flamed the way some people have around here.

We all handle life differently - right or wrong but pointing the finger is not really contrustive.

Yes Happy Woman, but why did ambercat post?

Surely she knew that some people would not agree with what she has done.Her post did not come across as being one searching for support. And yes we do all handle life differently but there are always other POV's and it's good to hear those too.

And not complain about other people's POVs on another thread..........

Oh is there another thread bitching about posters on this thread? What a surprise.

Mcdoodle your anger at me is sadly misplaced. Redirect it where it belongs.

if you read the other thread - i say i can see everyones pov actually,
and if you knew me or followed the F G thread you would know that i am fairly tounge in cheek about most things.

Oooh, where is the other thread Georgiemama.

I do hope I get a mention!!!!

Oh I'm not angry I havent been for a long time - am sad and frustrated at my XH's continued controlling and abusive manner, pathetic pity for the OW who still tries to win him back, sadness for my DC who remnain embroiled and always will be in XH and OW's games, but mostly happy and content with my lovely gorgeous NM who treats me and my DC with the utlost love, care and respect that we deserve - so for all of you out there, there is a happy ending you just have to wait for it, and its whatever you want be it with your H or by yourself, or with a wonderful NM And on that note am back to work and off to hide this thread cheerio

It is the fab and glam thread part zillion to which Happy Woman refers. No one name checked, not particularly interesting.

By the way Happy Woman et al, no I am not socially inept, and for the third time as you seem to be ignoring it, yes I have had experience of what adultery does to a family.

And has anyone on this thread actually said that wronged wives must leave their husbands? No. The extent of the terrible judgment that has been rained down on ambercat on this thread was "it's wrong to hit people. You shouldn't have hit her"

Big wow. How judgmental.

just skimmed this thread really ( why is it I always have loads of stuff to do.. rather than MN when things get interesting?)

Anyway..not that it has anything to do with it.. but I called OW up.. we had a lovely chat, I offered her a bottle of wine, his dirty washing and a little advice. we parted on good terms I wanted to slap her.. but it was far more satisfying to talk to the woman, let her know that I wasn't an ugly mingy bitch he was stuck with, and watch her back right off when she knew this and say she didn't know and she didn't want him at all in her life.. It was fantastic to watch him go through the hell of a break up and squirm and be sad, and he couldn't talk to anyone about it.

It was H I was livid with, not her.

Yeah!! I did get a mention!! Thanks Macdoodle and Ladylush.. (sorry you got a bit over excited there, Ladylush!!)

Don't worry - I shall leave you to your little world of 'everyone agrees with me'. It's so much nicer when you are always right isn't????

not read all the reams of posts here, but just going on the OP, if it has made you feel you have closure, then bloody good for you. I would more than likely have done the same.

now I must away to my garden. None of us should really be indoors at the mo, far too lovely and sunny

only read the OP,

but good for you, I hope you slapped your husband too.