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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I slapped the ow last night and i feel soooo much better!

552 replies

ambercat · 15/03/2009 22:48

thats it really, feel like i have closure now!!

OP posts:
elastamum · 16/03/2009 22:21

Sometimes you just need to express your anger to move on. It works much better than endless couselling sessions, and I have tried both. I didnt slap the OW but I did give her a world class bollocking for ruining my kids happy childhood and told her exactly what I thought of her. I also chucked my cheating H out and told her that she wasnt the first and I was divorcing him for adultery and she could have him. Having destroyed both their families, they have just split up, what a shame, all that heartache for nothing! I am much happier now than I have been in a long time. If I saw her in the pub I wouldnt slap her but I might be tempted to spill my drink

harleyd · 16/03/2009 22:54

i havent caught up with the thread yet..but how did your h feel about you hitting her?
sorry if you have been asked this already

ChippingIn · 17/03/2009 00:59

Ambercat - it was no more than she deserved.

It would be interesting to do a poll and see how many of the 'It's only your husband you should be mad at' posters have actually been in the situation. Kudos to any of you that have been in the situation and were not at all angry with the woman. I believe that the DH is the one mainly responsible as he is the one who made the vows, but ffs why do women get together with married men? Are they all so pathetic that they really believe the 'my wife doesn't understand me' shit??

knowittoowell · 17/03/2009 06:19

"But ffs why do women get together with married men?"

What a STUPID thing to say.

That's because a HUGE number of them don't know that they are married.
They know what they are doing(men that is),most of them have been doing it for years,deceiving both their wives and "girlfriends".

I know cos one of those bastards deceived me for a year and a half,And there was me thinking he was love of my life.
Imagine how i felt when i found out.And no,i was never so pathetic(as you say) to think he would've left his wife for me,
I DON'T WANT a man like that,thank you very much.

I've got a question.
Do all of you (or most)who were cheated on REALLY think that OW know???? that they are already married/have a partner?

Really???

Just remembering all the lies I was told...omg...think you'd be surprised in all the double personalities/lives these men take on once out of the wife's view.
I just think if it happened to me,it could happen to anyone.
It's not all that black and white as some of you seem to think.

HappyWoman · 17/03/2009 06:33

well in my case ow did know about me - she was married, had dc and actually left her h and dc for my h. And i do actually feel a bit sorry for her now too.

I have no doubt he strung her a load of lies - he was well practiced at the time with what he was telling me.

I did not resort to violence - but certainly felt very volotile and could not say what i would have done to either him or her had they been in the same room as me at times. She did know the hurt she was causing too.

To those who say i should have kicked him out as he could do it again.

Yes he could - so could I so could the next decent man I could have met.

I couldnt kick him out of my life we had DC so he will always be a part of my life.

My h has shown me, our family and friends how committed he now is to the marriage.

I see it as a huge mistake - one i wish had never ever happened - but it did and i do think it was because of my h ignorance as to the true consequences of his actions.

I would never put up with it again, but then i think if he did it again it would be because he really wanted out of the marriage so there would be no need to fight for him or my family. We have both learned a lot about our boundaries.

Original poster
ambercat · 17/03/2009 09:40

harleyd, dh was just angry with himself for creating the whole situation and putting me in the position where i ended up slapping someone! he is also angry with her as he wants her to get out of our lives.

OP posts:
Tortington · 17/03/2009 09:41

so how did you end up being in the situation where you were throwing drinks at her and slapping her - i mean what social situation was this?

flummery · 17/03/2009 09:44

OW was our boss and a friend, so I'm fairly sure she knew.

Tortington · 17/03/2009 09:45

she knew what?

abedelia · 17/03/2009 09:46

Precisely happywoman. Same here - in my case the cow had actually met my children and she'd even brought them presents when we moved away, just before the affair started. While she was texting my H with 'you are already mine' and so forth and planning to meet him for their one and only shag, she was also telling him to give MY KIDS a kiss from her on eldest's first day at new school. If she were living closer to me I would certainly have given her a good wallop for having been so singlewhitefemale and even suggesting bringing her poisnous carcass within 10 metres of my darling children, I'm afraid.

By the way - I have also chewed my H out on various occasions and spared him none of the details of her daughter's emotional problems as caused by this (as told to me by the OW's H) - she is 9 and was wetting the bed again / begging her parents not to split as she loved them both and couldn't get what her mum had done. How truly sad is that?

flummery · 17/03/2009 09:49

Sorry custardo, got distracted and thread had moved on! I was answering knowittoowell's question as to how we knew that OW knew that there was a wife or partner already in the picture and hadn't been lied to.

DH had an affair many years ago. The OW was our boss and our friend. I was just being a smart arse in adding the fairly certain bit.

georgimama · 17/03/2009 09:50

This thread is rapidly becoming pointless. The OP seems to live a soap opera style life where it is normal and reasonable to slap someone you have a problem with round the face for having the temerity to come in "your" pub. She will not listen to reason.

I really hope the OW calls the police, but presumably she inhabits the same lifestyle and will just respond in kind eventually.

flummery · 17/03/2009 09:51

Oh, and I mean the OW in our own situation, not the OP's. Aargh, I'm tired and posting semi-nonsensical posts, must go and do some work instead

Tortington · 17/03/2009 09:53

pmsl@georgimama - she puts it so nicely - your all common as shit.

flummery · 17/03/2009 09:54

Just to add that I did have fantasies of hurting OW - running her over was a big one. She was my friend and I felt used and hurt and betrayed by her as well as by DH. But, I didn't and wouldn't lash out. I decided early on that I would behave in a way I could feel proud of no matter what was happening. It was important to me not to be reduced by the situation.

ginnny · 17/03/2009 10:02

I can't believe this thread is still going strong!!!
Yes in my case too the OW knew he was married and had a dc and a baby on the way.
She even congratulated him when she found out I was pg then went after him anyway. His defence (if you can call it that) was that he was feeling neglected by me as being pg with a toddler and an evening job I wasn't there to satisfy his every need, but she was ready and willing!!
Knowittoowell - I know of more OW who knew the man was married and went for it anyway than ones that were duped into it and yes I do feel sorry for those women but ime they are not in the majority.

Lizzylou · 17/03/2009 10:04

Georgimama, she will not listen to "your reason". Why should she?
There have been some shockingly angry and pompous posts on this thread. Which I find odd as the posters in question consider themselves so very self-disciplined and the models of composure.

noddyholder · 17/03/2009 10:06

watch Mistresses for how to do affairs with style

georgimama · 17/03/2009 10:07

Why should she? No reason she should.

She doesn't think she did anything wrong. She doesn't understand that hitting people is wrong, all people. Fine.

Why start a thread crowing about it?

Pointless.

LindenAvery · 17/03/2009 10:07

Does this thread mean men are uncapable of controlling their actions then?

Seems we are giving them a good excuse, ' don't worry she made you do it, things weren't good at home and she is a slag......'

Amber, really feel for you but think this thread has really demonstrated you do NOT have closure. Please seek out some help such as relate as I believe you have not dealt with all the issues.

Original poster
ambercat · 17/03/2009 10:09

georgiemama, my life has been like a soap opera for the last year!! hope i can put it all behind me now!

Custardo, i was just out for a arae night out with my friends when i saw her in the pub, she had NO reason to be there she lives over 100 miles away, she already knew dh and i were out and i really believe she was trying to stir something up.

OP posts:
Original poster
ambercat · 17/03/2009 10:10

Lindon, been to relate, really am fine now, couldn't be happier!

OP posts:
LindenAvery · 17/03/2009 10:12

Before or after the slap?

Tortington · 17/03/2009 10:14

tbh love, i think i would tell dh to sort it or fuck off.

solidgoldbrass mentioned something along the lines of ownership before, and i totally agree.

dh is free to fuck whomever he chooses, i wont fight for him - and he knows this, he also knows he would lose his rights to me and probably lose the respect of his children.

along with my many other wonderful attributes, i think that him knowing this small fact, makes his actions his own. not mine.

I think you are asserting that she is a mad bunny boiler type.

and i would be far away from my dh - in that situation, until he had sorted it out.

georgimama · 17/03/2009 10:18

Linden, Custardo, there are 400+ posts along the lines of yours on this thread. Careful, or someone will call you a smug married, pompous, or self righteous.