Mother in law making me feel like sh*t (bit long)

[HarryB]

Don't know where to start and feel so down. I am a first time mum and had a pretty traumatic induction and labour which ended in a c-section. When DS was born, he had some initial breathing problems which I hear is common after a c-section, but it really put the wind up me, so I'm a bit worried and check DS breathing alot. We have a monitor etc for his cot as I personally believe in using technology if it is available to you, for peace of mind. The MiL, however, is always making digs about it. In fact, she is always making digs about everything from how often I feed him, to him having a dummy (I give one as last resort as he is a real thumb sucker; she thinks dummies are gross), to am I giving him water inbetween feeds, to what he is wearing in bed and how I lay him to sleep (I lay him on his back, she tries to lay him on his side), to the fact that I let him cry for 2 seconds today whilst I put his bib on, and she said "forget the bib, just feed him". She lives really close too and pops round when she wants. DS is 8 weeks old and I haven't, or can't even contemplate letting her look after him as I know she would ignore everything I say regarding his care as soon as my back is turned. She thinks today's guidelines are rubbish and really is in the "didn't do us any harm" camp. The worst thing she does though, is say how good a dad my husband is, and then has a subtle dig at me by saying "he's so calm around him and you have to be calm around babies as they sense when you're not". Now, I am far from frantic, and think I could be doing an ok job, I just believe in taking precautions and following guidelines set by professionals rather than a 70 year old that last looked after children 40 years ago. I am so sick of her making me feel like a bad mum and find that I am second guessing myself because I have her comments in the back of my mind. I am thinking of moving (but then I would be leaving a house we have spent a lot of money on and that I love, and great schools). I have said to hubby to talk to her but I think he's abit scared of upsetting her. She is a widow and has nothing in her life but her children.

hi, i just thought i might try and give you hope for the future, my nan (dads mum) was very much like this, my mum found it really hard and although my mum never said anything bad about her in frount of us, by the time i was about 10 i realised what she was doing and how much it was hurting my mum. (my dad did always stick up for her and tell her that we were my mums kids and she shold but out) it took me and my older sister (who would have been 11, and i was 10) to shout at her one day when she told my mum she was doing something wrong with my younger brother for her to finally stop. although then she started on my dad telling him he had 'unruley' daughters and he needed to 'controll' them as they were disrespectfull to the older generation. my dad was secretly proud of us!

"innate respect and natural inhibitions"

PErfect quote boredwithmyownname! I think we are somehow biologically designed to respect our MILS and some MILS abuse this natural dynamic. But if they do, they do not deserve the respect in the first place and the respect should be withdrawn IMO. Respect and consideration from a DIL is not something you should take for granted. It is something she is offering you out of kindness.

Fully empathise with you - my MIL currently driving me up the wall. She questions everything I do, clearly doesnt agree with BF and has even asked DH when I'm going to start 'weaning' DD onto bottles. She wants to babysit but I cannot trust her to get in touch if DD needed me - she makes similar comments bout 'my boys survived without/with this that and the other', says DD is going to be spoilt, questions when the next feed is going to be etc etc. DH has had words with her and she has backed off but it is causing difficulties between me and DH as he wants her to see her grandchild obviously but everyday I don't have to see her is like a 'day off'! It is really tricky and I don't ahve a magic answer but I think you need to have a really good talk with DH or you may start taking it out on him...

Catla, there are so many of us going through this. I totally know what you mean about every day you don't see her feeling like a "day off". If I'm indoors at the weekend, I dread the door bell going and it being her.

Tryingher best, I think I'd hyperventilate if I was told that the MiL was coming to stay for 3 months.

I'm such a fuckwit. DH off work today having a long weekend. So, we have a pub lunch and everything is great. Then I have a couple of wines and ruin it by slagging off the MiL. He just sits there saying nothing as usual and that winds me up more. How can I get over this? I want to hurt this woman the way she has hurt me. I want DH to at least fight my corner and acknowledge what his mum has done to me. I feel so angry like she is winning yet I know that sounds pathetic. Perhaps the realisation that DH is spineless has hit me.

Harry B

Re your comments which are in quote marks:-

"So, we have a pub lunch and everything is great. Then I have a couple of wines and ruin it by slagging off the MiL".

Whose idea was it to invite MIL along to the pub lunch particularly as your DH has a day off?. Your time together is being hit by her again. What was her (not just to say your H's response to your diatribe?.

"He just sits there saying nothing as usual and that winds me up more".

This is no excuse for him at all but he has been conditioned to accept her behaviours as "normal". He is probably also afraid of her and her reaction if he dares to challenge her. Those two factors need to be taken into account, you need to support each other here and present a united front to his Mother. He married you and thus his primary loyalty should be to you. End of.

"How can I get over this?"

You yourself put more distance both physical and emotional between you and her. I've put more distance between my own self and my self serving MIL and it has done wonders for me. I have told my DH that I won't be visiting their house anytime soon (there are other reasons for me saying that which I won't bore you with) and especially without him present. He has accepted this.

"I want to hurt this woman the way she has hurt me".

No because this will put you on her base level. Restraint here is key as is a united front. Also revenge is a dish best served cold.

"I want DH to at least fight my corner and acknowledge what his mum has done to me. I feel so angry like she is winning yet I know that sounds pathetic. Perhaps the realisation that DH is spineless has hit me".

You have more power here than you realise but you need to remain calm and clinical here in your dealings with his Mother. I don't think your DH is actually spineless btw for the reasons stated above.

Also if MIL has not returned the key she needs to do so. I would personally ask her for it back. Firm boundaries need to be put in place here, she cannot be allowed to pop in as and when she feels like it.

Atilla, MiL wasn't with us - sorry if I gave that impression. It seems to have become a bit of an obsession on my part. I am so angry and resentful for her for ruining my first weeks with DS and it's like she has got away scott free - that sounds awful I know, like I am a bitter loony. DH took DS to her house this morning for an hour or so and I got on with stuff around the house, he got back then we had a pub lunch. It worked out great. Lovely day, sun out, DS in buggy happy as Larry. Then all my resentment comes to the surface.

I have put distance between myself and the MiL and I plan that all future visits will be DH taking DS to her and me staying at home. I also made it clear to DH that we will not be spending Christmas with her. He agreed.

DH nods and says "I know" to everything I say, but it's like I want him to make a proper stand. I guess he is piggy in the middle.

As for the key situation, DH said he would get them back but said he hasn't found the right time. I think it would be easier if I got the locks changed.

Your mil sounds awful, but you have to remember she's your husband's mum. I wouldn't be happy if I was having a nice pub lunch with my husband and he decided to start slagging off my mum out of the blue.
It sounds as though yourr husband is being reasonable in this but him supporting you shouldn't mean he has to start criticising his mum or listening to endless criticisms of her.
Fair enough stand up to her if she is being unreasonable, but otherwise just don't think of her.

Your MIL is not winning.

For her to behave in the way she does means that she is in fact losing. She is not good to you. You must just avoid her at all costs and that includes not letting her ruin your time with your DH and your family. I made that mistake.

The anger you feel for her will fade and you'll pity her because her behaviour is desperate and unkind.

I wouldn't actually expect much from your DH in this respect. In fact, I know that if the shit hit the fan, my DH would probably stick up for his mother 1000% whatever she did to me. But that's not happened yet so I can live with that until it does. If it does, then I leave.

As long as you stand up to her, do not accept any of her crap, keep being firm and polite but keep her at a total distance and above, maintain your dignity so that you can look back and be proud of the way you behaved. Don't let her poison every aspect of your life.

Please move house too as soon as you can.

winkywinkola,
I was thinking about what you wrote above. (sorry, slight hijack!) About my MIL hating to be reminded that she is not the main maternal figure in DD's life anymore and indeed in DH's life. I think this has hit the nail on the head.
I think that some women find it hard to accept that their time at playing mum is over and that they are supposed to move onto another stage in their life i.e grandmother. Most women make this transition with class and grace and become wonderful, loving old people who are just a pleasure to be around, making you want to visit them and spend time with them.
Others, the ones with personality disorders, control and anxiety issues etc, will tend to show the behaviour that our MILS have shown.

I thought that I had solved my problem by simply not being around when she was there, so she could play to her little fantasy of being a family of three (Her, DH and DD), but I realise that (apart from me having peace) this just fuels her fantasies. REally she is going to have to accept sooner or later that there is another, more important, maternal figure in my DD's life.

HArry, hope this wasnt't too hijacky, and maybe even a little bit helpful...

Hi Harryb

I know what you mean about the obsession with ruining the first weeks. I know exactly what you mean.

Everyone else's advice is really great about the distancing, and I would add to that, please don't let her spoil one single more minute by being "present" when she's actually not, if you see what I mean. She's not there and you don't have to think about her. Not thinking about her is a little victory.

My techniques have been, the distancing, the not thinking about (very hard work but got there eventually) and vocalising everything shamelessly to dh. After all, it's my only outlet. I think your dh does know and feels utterly helpless. Attila may have some advice about how he can deal with it?