Mother in law making me feel like sh*t (bit long)

[HarryB]

Don't know where to start and feel so down. I am a first time mum and had a pretty traumatic induction and labour which ended in a c-section. When DS was born, he had some initial breathing problems which I hear is common after a c-section, but it really put the wind up me, so I'm a bit worried and check DS breathing alot. We have a monitor etc for his cot as I personally believe in using technology if it is available to you, for peace of mind. The MiL, however, is always making digs about it. In fact, she is always making digs about everything from how often I feed him, to him having a dummy (I give one as last resort as he is a real thumb sucker; she thinks dummies are gross), to am I giving him water inbetween feeds, to what he is wearing in bed and how I lay him to sleep (I lay him on his back, she tries to lay him on his side), to the fact that I let him cry for 2 seconds today whilst I put his bib on, and she said "forget the bib, just feed him". She lives really close too and pops round when she wants. DS is 8 weeks old and I haven't, or can't even contemplate letting her look after him as I know she would ignore everything I say regarding his care as soon as my back is turned. She thinks today's guidelines are rubbish and really is in the "didn't do us any harm" camp. The worst thing she does though, is say how good a dad my husband is, and then has a subtle dig at me by saying "he's so calm around him and you have to be calm around babies as they sense when you're not". Now, I am far from frantic, and think I could be doing an ok job, I just believe in taking precautions and following guidelines set by professionals rather than a 70 year old that last looked after children 40 years ago. I am so sick of her making me feel like a bad mum and find that I am second guessing myself because I have her comments in the back of my mind. I am thinking of moving (but then I would be leaving a house we have spent a lot of money on and that I love, and great schools). I have said to hubby to talk to her but I think he's abit scared of upsetting her. She is a widow and has nothing in her life but her children.

thank you for joining in with the 'ridiculous remarks on this thread' theme, HarryB, I feel so much better now I'm not alone.

You have had some great advice, particularly the getting involved in local Mother & Toddler groups so you aren't around the house so much.

It sounds as though your MIl is not doing it to be malicious, more because she wants to share her "expertise" and as you say she has too much time on her hands. I'm afraid you do have to pick her up every single time she says something, don't be nasty about it, perhaps just repeat it back to her quizically e.g. " You say its very important to be calm around babies, do you feel that I'm not calm around DS" which will either force her to back down or come out into the open with her concerns, which can then be dealt with a lot more easily.

At the end of the day she would be devastated if you moved so she needs to learn a better way to interact with you and perhaps once she does that then her energy and time can be channelled into providing real help rather than uninformed criticism.

Sounds like you and your DH are doing a great job. All the best hun xxxx Oh wait its Mumsnet not the other one

(Simple solution. Get Madame Deathstare's cat round to bite MIL's bum. Sorted.)

my MIL is a pain in the arse. I finally had it out with her when dd was 10 months. I wish I hadn't left it that long

She too would come around all the time and criticise everything I did. She kept comparing dd to her other GD (who she pretty much raised as BIL teenage dad and GF's parents nutcases).

It took me moving out and my parents having a go at DH for him to stand next to me and tell his mother to F off.

Now we get on a bit better. She'll never be my bestest mate, but she sees dd once a fortnight, enough to keep me sane and enough to stop her moaning about not getting enough time with dd. We keep ourselves busy so she can't pop around uninvited. She never gets to babysit though.

So my advice to you is keep busy and nip it in the bud now.

Yes, lock the door, don't answer the phone, go out to see lots of mother/baby groups, friends and block your ears to any complaints from MIL. Increase the time you spend with supportive loving people and reduce the contact with the opposite type.

Would you accept this nonsense from a stranger?? Maybe not. So do act and protect yourself.

My mil lives next door to us, 10 years now and I do feel I have let the children down by accepting the atmosphere of criticism and undermining from her. I'm now trying to reduce my dependence on her, trying to stay emotionally separate from her. Good luck.

In a certain situation, not exactly (but sufficiently) like this, I started to privately list the usual dull comments from that person and secretly score points with them after they had left.

For you it might be:

Oooh dummies are gross (5 points)
Oooh babies should lie on their side (8 points)
Oooh babies should have water between feeds (15 points etc)

Each day I would score lots of points and I used to love getting the high scores, to the point where I would be almost begging the person to say the particular phrase (its cheating to ask directly!).

It took a lot of tension out of the situation for me, and the other person got a subtle clue that I was utterly uninterested in WHAT they were saying but they couldn't work out why, because I was still being perfectly friendly and still had a smile on my face.

It might be a technique worth trying for your own amusement to defuse your own angry feelings with this situation. Depends obviously whether she is a harmless old bird or a toxic grandma like some mentioned above.

You do need to nip this in the bud. I had very similar prob with my MIL. I asked dh to speak to her and warned him that if it wasn't stopped then I would end up not being able to speak to her within a year, that I would loathe her and we would never be able to get on. Unfortunately, dh did not take me seriously and fluffed it time after time, while begging me not to say anything as he would deal with it. It just got worse and worse, and I did end up loathing and despising her. Sadly, I still do.

Her behaviour just got worse and worse. By the time dd was 3, dh had realised the situation was actually quite serious and tried to deal with it, but it was too late; she was never going to play ball, and I felt so negative about her that I didn't really want to either - I was considering divorce because I didn't want my MIL in my life!

We moved. We would have moved anyway, but we moved 150miles away simply so she wouldn't be able to just pop in. I'd have gone to the Moon if I could, and nearly got dh to agree to Australia

This situation will not get better by itself. Your dh must take it seriously, but if he wimps out, you'll have to do it - sorry, and good luck.

Well, I thought I was making progress with DH as he agreed to talk to MiL, but when I told him that I thought his mother was being bitchy towards me, he didn't agree and said she just wants to be involved. Am I overreacting? For example, my parents came over recently (they live miles away so I rarely see them) and as an olive branch I invited MiL and we all had lunch together. So, my dad says "you're really a chilled out mum" which was a nice thing to hear, but before I could say anything MiL pulls a face and says "what?? Don't think so!!!". I think to say that in front of my parents is pretty shitty.

Jux, I think I am loathing her already. I wasn't that keen on her to begin with so I didn't have far to come.

Harry

She's difficult - there are alot of difficult parents out there. Your husband needs to get a grip of this and you need to make him understand.

You are not overreacting. FFS - she's been a new mum herself, can't she remember the rampaging hormones and need to be in complete control? I had all the kit in the cot and, kept checking every 5 seconds to ensure my little one was OK. Your baby - your responsibility and your learning curve.

have you spoken to your parents about mil? I wonder if your dad presented that comment as a message that they are supporting you? She was very rude to them.

It's hard to be chilled when there's someone competing to me a mum to your child.

Your dh is the key here not an olive branch from you. If you don't get his support you'll just end up rowing with her. He can sort this out diplomatically.

you have got to stop the whole dropping in at a moment's notice thing. start going out or not answering the door. if she asks why you didn't say you were putting him to bed and he comes first, DOESN'T HE????

any snidey comments, pull her up. i know it's hard. you could say something like 'i would really appreciate your support right now' and with any luck she'll feel ashamed. the whole out of date info can be batted away with a 'well nowadays they know that...'.

and finally, do not let her look after your ds! at least not at this early stage. certainly when he's a terrible two and in his 'no' phase. but he needs to be with you now anyway, so that's just not an issue.

i think you're doing brilliantly, and she's the last thing you need to deal with.

Hey poor you.

She's making herself look stupid... that comment wasn't nice at lunch.

what did your dh say about it?

Now, deep breath i think.

I like the bingo- that may well help alot.

Don't expcet too much of dh rifhtn now- he's in a state too, no doubt.
I'd go for short controlled visits in which you breezily ask at the beginning that she doesn't mention all of the things you don't want her to.
Say that you are sure it upsets her to have to point these things out all the time, and that she'd probably prefer to make you a nice cup of tea and tell you about her news.

That MAY take the wind out her sails.

I remember my dear lovely mother dooing my head in for ages re my ds1. I was very bonkers tho', so it was my problem as much as hers TBH.

good luck and congratulations on your lovely baby

"It's hard to be chilled when there's someone competing to be a mum to your child."

Truer words were never spoken!
I had the same problem. I seriously considered divorce just so I could escape my MIL. DH finally, by some leap of faith, GOT IT and understood that this was serious. In the beginning he tried lines like, "Oh, I know MILS and DILS don'T get along but can't you just try". But then he finally had to see how serious it was and that saved our marriage. I strongly believe she contributed to me having PND, as I believe one contributor to PND is the new mother feeling a lack of control over events and her life.

Mine also used to pop in whenever she felt like it, wouldn'T give DD back when she cried (and its so painful for a mother to have to listen to her newborn cry isn'T it!). I was accused of being an over-anxious mother. I mean FFS, of course a new mother is going to be anxious, the idiot. But you are supposed to accept that a new mother is anxious and help her, not belittle her for her anxious feelings!!!

Anyhow, I cut contact with her for about 2-3 months which was very difficult to do because of course, everyone in DHs family thought I was the unreasonable one. But I didn't care by that point. It was a matter of life and death. Now DH takes DD round to her place every Sunday without me. Actually that suits me fine because I get time to myself and I also don't particularly feel obligated to send her (which is important) so if DH and I feel like doing something together that day, we feel fine to let her know. And best of all I only get to see her about 4 times a year, even though she lives 15 mins away. AND, my mental health improved dramatically.

It's so nice to see from your comments that I'm not alone with this. Tried to talk to DH again last night and he got shirty with me this time in that "OK I WILL TALK TO HER" voice. I know he's tired, but so am I.

Re the competing to be his mum comment, I think that is spot on as she seems to think DS is her new baby. She says stuff like "when we take him swimming". She looked after SiL's children from the off, and I think she expected it to be the same with us. Quite frankly SiL and MiL seem to live in each others pockets in a small village bubble and as a result are unbelievably ignorant.

Sakura, I know what you mean about her holding DS and having to sit and hear him cry. She has walked in and taken him from my lap without asking, she has taken him from DH mid-feed. I blew my top at DH and he did nothing about it. She did it again and I walked out of the room, but still DH said nothing. He is on my side, he really is, but he is a very placid person and so scared of upsetting her. I said to him that she should get a part time job to fill some of her free time and he said he'll take that up with her, but I know she is holding out until I go back to work as she is thinking I am going to ask her to babysit DS. No chance.

On the plus side, the post natal group starts next month so I'll definitely be going along to that.

Another thing to try is whenever she says something snide or otherwise unpleasant, look a bit stunned (ham it up a bit if necessary) and say in a puzzled hurt voice:

"Oh...mil...I don't think you meant to be rude there, did you, but actually that's quite a nasty hurtful thing to say when you think about it, isn't it ?"

Could be particularly effective when there's an audience, like your parents.

HarryB - are there any coffee morning groups in your area? I started going to our local one when ds was 5wks and although you have to go through the getting ready to go out and making sure you've got plenty of everything issues, I found it really good to get out and talk to other mums - and you would also be out so that your MiL wouldn't be able to come round! I know that your P-n group is starting soon - but you might be able to find one on a different day anyway! Also look for other things like baby yoga, baby massage etc. - we had a free baby massage group in one of the local health centres.

If she DARES to remove DS from either of you in the middle of a feed, I would immediately take him back (even if your dh had been feeding) and remonstrate - and say in no uncertain terms that she is not to interfere when he is having a feed, and if she continues to do things like that she will not be welcome.

Are you going to let dh see this thread - I think that some other people's experience of contemplating divorce or emigration rather than live near MiL might encourage him to be rather more pro-active in handling his mother.

God, HarryB, your situation sounds exactly like mine when my DS was born. My DH too refused to stand up to her too and in the end, I had to tell her what was what. She backed off like most bullies do when confronted.

I just do not understand why your MIL wants to make you feel bad. I don't actually think she wants to make you feel bad - what she wants is for you to let her have her own way whenever she wants it. And sounds like she is competing to be mum to your baby. God, it's such a horrible horrible feeling especially when you're a new mum and just fumbling to find your way.

This is unacceptable because it is your life, your baby and most importantly, your first precious first weeks with your baby. If you don't do something, you'll look back with unhappiness and resentment.

You're not a bad mother. You're just not being given the respect a new mother deserves to find her own way. If you need advice, you'll ask for it. What she thinks isn't important - you are the mother and what you think is important. If you don't make decisions for yourself, then you're not being a parent because you're passing responsibility to someone else.

You need to talk to her - tell her, don't ask her if it's ok, that she needs to telephone first before she comes over. Don't listen to the "I shouldn't need an appointment to see my own grandchild" crap either. It's your privacy being invaded.

Don't let her just take the baby from you or DH. It's a sign of her thinking she can do what the hell she likes. You're going to have to snap a few time for her to get the message. She can't recreate with you what she has with her daughter. You are not her daughter.

Regarding the snidey comments, just say, "Oh, that's a nice thing to say, isn't it?", "Luckily, DS thinks I'm a great mum and he's the only opinion I care about,". YOu must say something because she thinks she can say what she likes to you.

I hope it turns out ok and that you manage to enjoy this time with your new baby.

Hi Harryb. Deep empathy with your situation. Was in your shoes a few years back with dc1 and MIL. It was VERY hard and I never dealt with it. I got more and more resentful and every small thing turned into a molehill because I let it.
Advice that I have not taken myself would be to actually plan to sit down with her over a cup of tea and explain how she makes you feel. You can rehearse this and make it as un-hurtful as possible. You wouldn't let anyone else treat you this way and you do not have to allow her behaviour continue just because she is your MIL. Your dh (with the best intentions in the world) will not be able to get across the points to her as effectively as you will because it is not affecting him as it is affecting you. Give it some thought at least. It is a problem that quite possibly can be solved with some tactful straight talking from YOU to HER. If you don't take this courageous step, resentment and misunderstanding will increase. HTH somewhat!

Just to add to my post, I did all of the things suggested here like not answering the door etc. but the satisfaction was short lived and didn't actually make the situation better in the longterm. Even though your dh has the blood relationship to his mother, it is YOUR relationship with her that is in question and to that end you need to be the one to address it and put her back in her box, as it were. Find the courage and set some boundaries with her. You are the Queen of your castle and the mother of your child. What you say goes.

I do like catinthehat's suggestion of bullshit bingo. You could even make it explicit by making up bingo cards.

Completely arsey thing to say in front of your parents - was your dp not even outraged sufficiently by that?

i personally think it's pointless to have heart to hearts, etc

you said you didn't really like her in the first place and obviously, she's even more annoying now. what would be gained from having intimate chats with her?

be strong and firm and POLITE.

keep conversations short and casual.

don't tell her too much.

when she starts her shit, change the subject or end the conversation.

be breezy so she doesn't know she's getting to you.

bitch about her to your friends and MN and not DH.

bottom line- see her and speak to her less.

she's really not worth spoiling this happy time for you so DON'T LET HER.

And even if she is a widow in her life with nothing but her children, it's not your responsibility to keep her busy or entertained.

She's a grown woman who needs to stop interfering in other people's lives particularly when they feel a bit vulnerable like after having had a baby.

Can you move house?

DH was out the room at the time of her comment during lunch (on bloody ebay). Shitty thing to say regardless of who is in the room. OK, I am a bit of an anxious mum but then what new mum isn't. Like blinks says, a heart to heart might be out the window as I never liked her that much to begin with. She's a total martyr too, and I think she would actually love it if I said something just so she could play the "I'm only trying to help and you are spurning me" card. I need DH to wise up and quick.

I thought today that perhaps I should go to her house one day a week then I can get there when I want and leave when I want. Then DH can deal with her dropping in at the weekends by saying that he works all week and wants to spend weekends as family time. I did have a dig last time when she said something, I said, "oh here we go, advice from world war 2". It shut her up actually, but I felt bad after. Perhaps I should stop feeling bad and get bitchy. Play her at her own game.

HarryB - congratulations on your new baby!

I can totally sympathise with the MIl situation. Especially after a traumatic birth.
I had a bad birth experience ending in a crash section and I was utterly paranoid that my DD was going to die for months afterwards. I was actually suffering from Post traumatic stress but it wasn't picked up on straight away. This made me a very anxious new mother. I also had the joy of my MIl coming to stay for the week immediately I came home from hospital...

I put up with her crap on that visit, it made me hate her and I can honestly say that I have never liked her since that experience. Struggling with a newborn baby, as a first time mum is hard enough without criticism. You need to make a stand in a calm and firm manner. Then you need to limit her access to you. Your DH can take the baby to her for visits but you should just remove yourself from her.

My MIl came back for another visit when DD was about 3 months old. She was a nightmare and I lost it with her over something minor but she was a lot more careful about what she said to me after that!

I really hope you can resolve this. i think you need to for your own sanity. Like yours, my DH wouldn't deal with it. I think many men are still terrified of upsetting their mothers. If it was your mum making you feel like this you would probably just tell her - don't let the fact that she is your MIL make you walk on eggshells.

Fingers crossed for you - I am sure you are doing great job looing after your baby.

You don't have to justify to your MIL why you're using a dummy/putting him to sleep on his back etc. As other posters have said, just say "Really?" with raised eyebrows, in answer to her suggestions. End of conversation.

Don't let her annoying comments get to you. She sounds like the type who'd take great delight in realising her snidey comments are upsetting you - so don't let it happen!