Mother in law making me feel like sh*t (bit long)

[HarryB]

Don't know where to start and feel so down. I am a first time mum and had a pretty traumatic induction and labour which ended in a c-section. When DS was born, he had some initial breathing problems which I hear is common after a c-section, but it really put the wind up me, so I'm a bit worried and check DS breathing alot. We have a monitor etc for his cot as I personally believe in using technology if it is available to you, for peace of mind. The MiL, however, is always making digs about it. In fact, she is always making digs about everything from how often I feed him, to him having a dummy (I give one as last resort as he is a real thumb sucker; she thinks dummies are gross), to am I giving him water inbetween feeds, to what he is wearing in bed and how I lay him to sleep (I lay him on his back, she tries to lay him on his side), to the fact that I let him cry for 2 seconds today whilst I put his bib on, and she said "forget the bib, just feed him". She lives really close too and pops round when she wants. DS is 8 weeks old and I haven't, or can't even contemplate letting her look after him as I know she would ignore everything I say regarding his care as soon as my back is turned. She thinks today's guidelines are rubbish and really is in the "didn't do us any harm" camp. The worst thing she does though, is say how good a dad my husband is, and then has a subtle dig at me by saying "he's so calm around him and you have to be calm around babies as they sense when you're not". Now, I am far from frantic, and think I could be doing an ok job, I just believe in taking precautions and following guidelines set by professionals rather than a 70 year old that last looked after children 40 years ago. I am so sick of her making me feel like a bad mum and find that I am second guessing myself because I have her comments in the back of my mind. I am thinking of moving (but then I would be leaving a house we have spent a lot of money on and that I love, and great schools). I have said to hubby to talk to her but I think he's abit scared of upsetting her. She is a widow and has nothing in her life but her children.

Sakura - I'm with you on this one. I truly wish that I'd stood up to my (ex) MIL long before I did. ExH did stand up for me either. So one day I snapped and told her in no uncertain terms that her attitude always disrupted our lives and she came between us. She did. But the good thing is she's now an EX MIL and lives 5000 miles away. The sad thing is that Ex also now sees what she's like. Too late for us. Be firm, you, your baby and your DH are now a family unit and you need to focus on that.

I am lucky in that DH is supportive, and boy do I slag her off, so he is pretty patient with me. When I look back, she always wanted to come to my antenatals with me too, yet if her DD was bunking off work, she would come along then get it over with then go off shopping with her. When she is here, I can just sense that if it wasn't for DS, she wouldn't give me the time of day. It's like my job as the baby carrier is done now. We have nothing in common - I had/have a career; she has always been a semi-SAHM - nothing wrong with that, but different generations and outlook on everything. I find her incredibally ignorant also (eg. she calls Indian people the P word - and that is another thing I'll need to pull her up on as I don't want DS using those words). Her whole life was her husband and family so she doesn't even have any friends to lean on during her grieving period. I digress. I said to DH last night that I don't mind her coming round but not for 5 hours at a time. Worse thing was, I was planning to take DS to the baby clinic to get weighed and ask a couple of questions (he's gone from 1 poo - 3 poos per day. Personally don't think it's diarrhrea but wanted to ask), but I knew she would want to come and I didn't feel like I could ask be open and ask the "silly" questions I wanted to. I also feel that the fact that I I am umming and ahhring about DS poo makes me realise yet again how I am second guessing everything. I am just not relaxed and my confidence (which was growing slightyly) is shot after her "they can sense when you're stressed" comment. I said to DH that she isn't the type of person you can reason with so when she starts and I answer back - which I will now - he HAS to back me up on the spot.

move, nothing else for it

and don't get her to babysit when it suits you, you'll be making a rod for your own back (as I'm sure you're well aware!)

Oh dear Harry - I'm beginning to revise my opinion! I was basing my comments on my own mil who, while she can be absolutely infuriating, is essentially well meaning. Inclined to agree with ssd - I spent the first seven years of my dcs' lives out of the country and therefore beyond interference - it also meant I had no family support of any kind. However, as ssd points out any help she can give may well be outweighed by your being made to feel in in debt to her.

SSD, I wont be letting her babysit DS at all. I just don't trust her to respect my wishes for his care. She keeps offering and I keep turning her down. Another reason for her comments probably. Unfortuntely, moving isn't an option (financially). And why should i anyway because of that witch. If we moved, she'd probably move near us as there's not much keeping her here apart from DD, as her other grand children are grown up.

No, I think I'll play fire with fire. I need to be as blunt with her as possible with the backing of DH. She'll get the message. She's ignorant, but she's not thick.

Why does your MIL have to know you are going to the baby clinic? You don't have to give her a daily update on your actions. It sounds as though you need to go out more and just be briefer with her. If she asks what you are doing just be vague. If she comes round and you plan to go out just tell her you're going out and now isn't a convenient time, or tell her you are going to the health visitor clinic but prefer to go alone.
Yes she may get a bit upset, but at the moment you're getting upset. She also seems to be trying to live your life rather than her own which isn't healthy for anyone.
Be blunter and briefer and start going out more.

She didn't know I was going to the baby clinic, I didn't tell her, but I didn't expect her to stay all day. I thought she'd be gone by 2pm which is when it opens.

You are right 2Rebecca, I need to be blunt and get out more and I will.

The matriarch thing is spot on.

My Mum has said to me that it is hard when you were once head of the family, everyone doing what you said, to be relegated to the blue-rinse in the back seat going out for a Sunday drive.

I wonder what your MIL would be like if you asked her for advice on one issue?

A piece of advice I once heard about dropper-inners is always to answer the door with your coat in your hand. If it's someone you want to see, you have just got in. If it's someone you don't want to see, you are just about to go out, sorry.

BalloonSlayer - that tip is genius

Sounds like she needs some other hobbies. Couldn't you sign her up to a bingo club or something as a gift?

Here's my 2 cents worth: everytime she says something barking just say "That's very interesting, I will consider taking it on board" and carry on as before.

Went out for a bit today - my first time away from DS. I left him with DH and low and behold MiL pops round - I didn't mind too much as I didn't have to see her and I knew DH was there. Anyway, I get back and hear that DS hadn't been fed for 5 hours as he was asleep. Fair enough but he had a bit of diarrhea this week so I wanted him to be kept well hydrated. DH knew this. So MiL pipes up "I saw him on wednesday, there was nothing wrong with him". Like I don't know my own frigging son. Did DH back me up and just say actually mum, he has been a bit off?? Did he fuck. Sorry for the language. DH said nothing. I went mental when she'd gone home and it all came out about how I feel that she is undermining me and that I feel like a shit mum because she is constantly making comments about how I do things and blatantly disagreeing with things she hasn't even frigging witnessed - perhaps I should have taken his filthy nappies and wiped them in her face, perhaps she'd believe me then. DH then said to me that he knows she is old fashioned etc and a pain in the arse, BUT, that he thinks "I am looking for things to complain about". Divorce?

Oh he's really going to have to try understand what it's like for us. Oh poor poor you.

Soooooo frustrating for you. Could he read [perhaps edited] this thread?

treedelivery. I'm so angry that I can't even think straight. I just want to slap her at the moment.

I can imagine. Howling at the moon it feels like. Go sit in car and scream? I've done that!

This is clearly a horrible situation, I really feel for you- it is hard enough to negotiate the first few weeks with your baby without someone actively undermining you.

I do think you need to be careful putting all the emphasis on your husband to sort it out for two reasons. Firstly he loves her. It is easy to say but hugely important here. He doesnt want to upset her, and hearing you (justifiably) rant about is probably very difficult for him. He's not going to stop loving his mum because she is being difficult.

Secondly, he may well not really 'get' how you are feeling. I was a wreck after DD1, the hormones, the suddenly being thrust into a situation where I really didnt know my arse from my elbow, the lack of sleep. I was (understandably) overwrought, over anxious, over sensitive. I know my DH didnt feel the same way about the situation, and he did his best to be supportive but at the end of the day, he didnt really 'get it'. I can imagine if I was in your situation he wouldnt really understand why I wouldnt be able to just laugh it off. He certainly, if asked to aort it out, wouldnt be as direct or firm as I would want.

Having said all that, I do think what is happening is deeply undermining for you, and it is hugely important you get it sorted because it is having a significant impact on how you are experiencing being a mum. My gut feeling is that direct confrontation could go badly and spiral into a place you dont want. I would be inclined to write it all down, calmly, politely, firmly. Set some ground rules. Show it to your husband before you send it (maybe get him to consider signing it?). Explain that you are writing it down as it is a delicate situation and you dont want to start a row.

I really hope things get better for you

I agree with MarlaSinger - he's a big boy now and has another woman in his life. It is the natural way of things. Obviously this should be done with respect and with expressed thanks for all the offered help and so on.

HarryB I feel your pain, read my previous threads under bluebell82 and rubysmom08. My MIL contributed to my PND. Infact I think she caused it. She is a lady which comes across quite thick and caring but really she is a manipulative woman who has made me want to leave my dh and drive as fast and as far away from here as possible.

I suffered 6 mc's before getting me beautiful daughter and when my dd was born one of the first things she said was 'I have got a grandchild- finally' she actually came into the delivery room where I was with my legs open covered in my own insides and she didn't see the problem as 'she knew someone that worked there so it's fine'.

Anyway I could write a book and it's still not sorted really but it's bearable.

Get busy, go out as much as possible and just say 'no' - I couldn't but had to learn as my dh was f'king useless- real mommies boy- but at the end of the of the day I have accepted I can never cut her out of his life or run her over!

Try not to let her divide you as why let her win, she's had a fab time today and now you are fighting she's probably sitting at home all smug thinking that lifes just great- don't let her win!

Ruby, sorry to hear about your miscarriages. Funny you mention PND as I am starting to question whether I actually might have it and I am being oversensitive because of that. But when it's just me, DH and DS, I'm so happy so surely I can't have PND. I feel like I have delivered a grandchild and now my work is done I can go back in my box. I said to DH that I should write down everything she has said and done and perhaps if he saw it on paper, he might think differently. That's when he said that I am looking for things to complain about. He loves his mum yes, and she is very lonely, but all I asked of him is that he listens to things she says and that he backs me up when I respond to her comments, then maybe she will see that we're a united front. He is stuck in the middle here and I hate it, but he needs to support me.

Thanks so much for your comments. I feel like I am going mad.

You're not going mad, and you may well get or have now pnd. But I don't hear that. I think pnd results in alot more self doubt, fear and hopelessness. You have lots of energy [you are fuming angry and that takes the most energy in the world] and are very clear in your management of your ds.

You will calm down, but may always feel a bit of a live wire around this woman. Waiting for the dig. So perhaps your dh may have a fact there, but that is her behaviour that has caused that. SHe has 'sensitized' you to the digs.

I would say 2 things - this time is very short and she is NOT allowed to spoil it. So make that rule in your head right now. YOu can't control her thoughts but you can train yours, she will not cloud your experience in the long run. Thats the rule.
2 - draw your line in the sand with her now. Over the next few weeks get your point across that this is the line, don't cross it. And do whatever you have to do to do that. But it will take time and constant chipping at it, like it did for her to get you to this point. It can be polite, but it has to be obvious and firm. No negotiation.

If this is now, imagine when ds is 3 and it's all about food, or 5 and it's all about toys and so on and so on. Start as it's going to go on.
Your family, your rules.

Treedelivery, you are so right. I think it is the dig about babies sensing when you're not calm that did it for me. That is probably the worst thing she could have said. I can and was living with all the unwanted "advice". I could ignore that, but implying that I am stressing my baby out crossed the line for me. I love my DS so much, and now if I hold him and he looks away, or crys, I think he hates me. I have spent many a moment in tears whilst DH is at work, thinking that DS doesn't like me. I then worry about being upset around him because of what she said and if DS could really sense my feelings. Perhaps I should tell DH the true extent of how down she is making me. I haven't thus far as I don't want him at work worrying me.

But look at it this way - if she has been totally wrong in her opinions and judgements on every other score, why would she be right on this?

My mil told me I didn't have 'the way' with babies when dd1 was in my arms at a week old.

Only been a midwife 11 years. Newborns I can hold

Book yourself or get a baby massage dvd, or take yourselves out to a shopping centre. Have a long leisurely stress free day showing him off in gap to the assistants. Your baby your time together. Leave her behind not enjoying herself.

What is it with MiLs that think they have the right to say these things. Apart from anything else, it's bloody rude.

I know she will pop round again this week - unannounced - but this time DS and I will be out.

Be out or out of hearing. Either does quite nicely.

DH can be worked on gradually. It's a mega thing this parenting and changing roles and all that fandango.