Mother in law making me feel like sh*t (bit long)

[HarryB]

Don't know where to start and feel so down. I am a first time mum and had a pretty traumatic induction and labour which ended in a c-section. When DS was born, he had some initial breathing problems which I hear is common after a c-section, but it really put the wind up me, so I'm a bit worried and check DS breathing alot. We have a monitor etc for his cot as I personally believe in using technology if it is available to you, for peace of mind. The MiL, however, is always making digs about it. In fact, she is always making digs about everything from how often I feed him, to him having a dummy (I give one as last resort as he is a real thumb sucker; she thinks dummies are gross), to am I giving him water inbetween feeds, to what he is wearing in bed and how I lay him to sleep (I lay him on his back, she tries to lay him on his side), to the fact that I let him cry for 2 seconds today whilst I put his bib on, and she said "forget the bib, just feed him". She lives really close too and pops round when she wants. DS is 8 weeks old and I haven't, or can't even contemplate letting her look after him as I know she would ignore everything I say regarding his care as soon as my back is turned. She thinks today's guidelines are rubbish and really is in the "didn't do us any harm" camp. The worst thing she does though, is say how good a dad my husband is, and then has a subtle dig at me by saying "he's so calm around him and you have to be calm around babies as they sense when you're not". Now, I am far from frantic, and think I could be doing an ok job, I just believe in taking precautions and following guidelines set by professionals rather than a 70 year old that last looked after children 40 years ago. I am so sick of her making me feel like a bad mum and find that I am second guessing myself because I have her comments in the back of my mind. I am thinking of moving (but then I would be leaving a house we have spent a lot of money on and that I love, and great schools). I have said to hubby to talk to her but I think he's abit scared of upsetting her. She is a widow and has nothing in her life but her children.

Pottycock- that is so true, I know, truly know, that if I hadn't walked out of my MIL's house 5 yrs ago never to return, dp and I would no longer be together....

You do have to start looking at that bigger eventuality unfortunately....Dd was 6 weeks old when I cut off all ties with the bitch. I had to, for all our sakes.

(they still see her, btw, and since then, things are much better, for all of us)

I would also be considering trying to alter my working hours so I worked at times when DH would be home to avoid a situation where you are reliant upon her for childcare. If you go ahead with that you will be laying yourselves open to a world of pain imo.

My MIL even went so far as suggesting I should give up my job (better paid than DP and only three days per week) and work in the local garden centre as it would be 'better for dd'. She never missed an opportunity to undermine me and I look back and seethe when I can see the dynamics of it so clearly now - at the time it completely baffled and upset me. I thought I should have been quicker in responding but the fact is that I'm just not as bitter and nasty as she is so I never thought of a good come back quickly enough!!

I actually ended up going to counselling because DP developed a codeine addiction (I think his history of self-medicating is intrinsically linked to his feelings of immense powerless, a lot of which can be related to her utter dominance) and the counsellor reckoned she had a deep resentment towards me and DD when I related some of the 'comments' made to DD. She told me that hen something similar happened again that I should just take DD out of her arms and simply say 'Why would you say a thing like that MIL? That was a very unpleasant and odd thing to say.". Don't fill any awkward silences - let her squirm. You don't have to feel bad about pulling her up on something like that. It was good advice!! In short, she was telling me to grow a pair and let me see that MIL was being confrontational and (passive) aggressive - don't be ashamed of standing up to that sort of behaviour.

Pottycock, I will already be altering my working hours to allow me to be at home 2 days per week. I commute 3 hours per day anyway and I'd go days without seeing DS if I altered them further. I think, like in your situation, MiL resents me. She sees what she once had and she wants to recreate it, but without me around. I had been trying to keep things nice but I certainly do need to grow a pair, and so does DH. I can't believe that this stupid bitch old woman is getting to me like this. I am so assertive and strong charactered at work, in other areas of my life, with my friends and family. What has happened to me. Re my parents, they live miles away and have only met her a handful of times so are pretty out of the loop.

Bucharest, I already have that eventuality in my mind. That DH will need to just take DS to her once per week. I'd lose time with DS but at least I wouldn't have to face her.

Daisybaby, I couldn't agree more. When she is here, I am so tense.

Bottom line: I need to get a grip of this and fight back.

If it does come to that, dh taking the baby to her once a week, like we do, you get used to having a lovely day, on your own, lying on the sofa with a bucket of chocolate and a video..... Every cloud and all that....

Blimey, there are so many of these toxic MIL stories....It's like an undercurrent of poison....I mean, we all know about emotional abuse from partners, but from another woman, who is in our lives because of her (presumed) nurturing of another human being- our dps..... it makes the mind boggle. You don't hear so much about toxic FILs, do you? (mind you, mine is so battered after 50 yrs with that old witch I think he gave up years ago)

Bucharest, the saddest thing is, if my FiL was still around, I know things wouldn't be this way. He was a lovely man and would have reined her in right away. He is probably the only person she would listen to too.

My MIL split from DP's father when he was young (had an affair with the bf's Dad...nice) and her subsequent partner died about five years ago. The way she fixates on and feeds off of DP is quite scary...she is incredibly holier than thou, goes to church etc. She is awful -not the kind of person I would have any contact at all with if it weren't for the familial connection. We are from entirely different planets!

It has made me very aware of how I am as a mother as I never want to be like she is. I want my child to be confident, happy and independent, and I never want those qualities to be lacking in her. I've seen how MIL operates very clearly and don't ever want to be like she is - everything is about self-satisfaction and everyone has to submit to her to keep things calm. She is a bully in short. Hold your head up OP - MIL is the one who has ishoos, not you!

Even other stuff annoys me about the MiL, like the way she did everything for DH when he was growing up. As a result, he can't clean (properly), nor iron and leaves stuff out instead of putting things away etc. I blame her for that too.

Oh mine is the same....it's hard not to turn her into the wicked witch but by God, the repurcussions of her ways are far reaching!

"You don't hear so much about toxic FILs, do you"

This is true but to my mind they are just as culpable because they don't act. People who come from dysfunctional/toxic families often have set roles. Many such men act as "bystanders" to their wives for want of their own self preservation and a desire for a quiet life. My own FIL (narcissist) is a classic bystander in his dysfunctional relationship.

Harry B - you say you're assertive in other areas of your life so what's happened to me?.
I can tell you that knowing someone like your toxic MIL is completely outside your scope of life experience having not come fortunately from such a toxic family yourself. This is why it is so hard to deal with and even begin to comprehend why she acts as she does. Just do not try and comprehend why she is acting like this. My guess is that she actually has some sort of personality disorder.

I would still get that key back - there is no good reason for her to retain this in her possession.

Would suggest you also read a copy of "Toxic Inlaws" as this will help you.

I would still advise that you do not under any circs leave your child with this MIL of yours when you return to work. Her poison will be transferred on to him.

i also have a mil that winds me up no end but, when i sat back and tried to see things from her point of view it did help. I have a DS too and I had a good think about how/what I would do if/when he has a child himself. I'm by no means condoning what your mil is doing/saying but.. it might help to stand back from the situation and put yourself in her shoes in 20yrs time with your own DS. I realised my mil couldn't do wrong for right or whatever the saying is. The problem was that she tried too hard and it wound me and DP up. the mil's mil is another matter though but she's just an evil old witch!
have a serious think about what you would like your mil to do/say. And, when tempers aren't frayed ie at the beginning of one of her visits, sit down and have a chat with her yourself. if she doesn't know she's upsetting you, how on earth can she rectify it. Forget about involving DH, have a calm, controlled chat with her yourself. I'm willing to bet that she doesn't know she upsetting you

Miamla, thanks . I see what you are saying, I really do, but sadly, she knows exactly what she is doing. She had her babies nearly 50 years ago - hubby quite older than me - and she has either forgotten, things were done so differently she thinks I am making a major hash of it and can't help but put me straight, or she's just a cow. I am going for the last option. I'm a beginner and am learning every day and am getting better and more confident and she hates it. She has nothing in her life at all since her husband died. Current GC's all growing up and getting ready to go to uni etc. She has no job, no friends. I know you probably think that against this background, I should go easy on her, but trust me, it's because of this, that I haven't ripped her throat out yet.

I think there is a huge difference between a MIL getting on your t*ts a bit, and one who actively employs emotional abuse like some of the ones described on this thread do....It's like a dp who irritates the bejaysus out of you, compared to one who thumps you. No comparison....

Am scuttling off to order Toxic inlaws......

Hi miamla

I can see where you're coming from. This idea however, is ofen put forward by people who fortunately have no idea of what dysfunction families are like and are actually capable of.

"Toxic" people are immune to any reasoned argument and just cannot be reasoned with. Infact if you were to try and discuss anything that to their mind casts a "slur" on their behaviour you would likely receive in return a laundry list of your own supposed shortcomings. Meanwhile they hate you even more!.

I would also agree with Bucharest's response here - this is calculated on the part of this MIL of HarryB's and this MIL knows exactly what she is doing. MIL of HarryB's has never apologised for her actions nor is she likely to. This is all typical of the "toxic parent".

If it is put up with and taking a stand is not done, we are more likely to do the same to our DIL's in future.

just to add my tuppeny worth on the childcare front

have seen my own mil with other grandchildren when engaged in childcare

she would deliberately allow to sleep/feed/whatever at wrong times so that on handing back and "staying for tea" with the family, the child wouldn't feed, wouldn't bath nicely, made a fuss and bother out of things etc

and all the time the mum getting stressed and mil sitting there beatifically with a cuppa saying "but he's been lovely with me ALL DAY" smirk

some women are capable of this

BoredWith..., totally know what you mean re MiL deliberately doing feeds etc at wrong times. I thought yesterday, when DH 'fessed up to what she had said, good grief if I actually left DS with her, would she have him screaming the house down before she fed him. The thought of my baby being that distraught literally makes me want to puke.

Hire a hitman. I will do it for you cheap if you like!!!

I got a bit shocked when I read the poster who said her MIL would have been happy if she divorced her DH, just so the MIL could play happy families with her DH and DD.
The reason I was shocked is because I completely recognised this feeling of the MIL wanting to displace you. Its kind of sick, when you think about it.
I thought I solved my problem by letting DD go with DH on Sundays without me to her house. THis was a solution for me because it meant I got time to myself but also she could see DD.
But when I think about it, its so that MIL can be the "main" maternal person in the room, which is really sick. What does she want to be, DH's wife or something?!!!
Basically, from the start I was treated like the thing in the way of her, her son and her grandchild.

But on a positive note, DH has been showing signs that he can't be bothered to go and see her on a Sunday anymore. This has been totally without any pressure from me, because I quite enjoy my free Sunday mornings. He's glossed over visiting her the past two Sundays and spent it with me instead. I'm sure MIL thinks that I am responsible for this because DH uses me as a buffer i.e he's too scared to say he can't be arsed going to see her so he'll let her think that its his crazy wife who is stopping him. She can think what she likes. The proof is in the pudding. DH prefers spending time with his wife!! WOnder why!

I honestly think there are some things we just have to put up with and roll our eyes. "He eats broccoli for ME" and so on.

But active displacement, and disregarding the mother's ways, and upsetting routines, and deliberate undermining of confidence none of us would tolerate it from a friend, or a husband or even one's own mother I feel. Some Mils take advantage of our innate respect and natural inhibitions they know that whereas most people can say "Mum! I don't do things that way!" we can't do it with someone we don't want to offend.

Those strategies and manipulations are so destructive. They need to be met full on. It's a shame to have to even think about it when we are at such a vulnerable time but facing them head on makes us more confident and tougher.

Thank you so much girls for all your support. Some days I feel like I'm going mad and actually think I could have PND - as diagnosed by the MiL herself . It is such a relief to come on here and totally vent. All my friends' in-laws live miles away so it's difficult for them to fully comprehend what I'm going through - although they do listen to me ranting too.

HarryB my MIL tried to diagnose me with PND too, nutty lady.

It's a crude attempt to shift attention away from her (unacceptable) behaviour onto you. It's a bullying tactic.

"But when I think about it, its so that MIL can be the "main" maternal person in the room, which is really sick. What does she want to be, DH's wife or something?!!!"

Sakura, this is exactly my situation. I don't think the MIL wants to be your DH's wife - just the mother figure for both him and your DD.

If you're there or I'm there, it's a reminder that DH is in fact an adult and therefore perhaps doesn't need all the mollycoddling anymore and that of course your child already has a mother - you.

I've found it really weird too that someone would compete with me for this role of mother to my child. I would love my MIL to have been a loving granny without the nasty digs. What does she do it for? It take so much more effort to be mean ..... unless it comes naturally to some people.

Haven't got time to read or respond to all these posts, but just to say how much I identify and sympathise with all these posts. So good to know that those of us with toxic ils are not alone!

Ooo bloody hell Harry - seems like it's never going to go away.

Why does mil need the key - what kind of emergency does your dh mean exactly as I don't get it.

I'm sure if mil lived in this country she'd also have a key.

I've just been to see her yet my dh (if you wanna hear about mummy's boys) came back to UK for 2 whole days and flew out to get her - they are due back on Sunday and although I've not been told a fecking thing about the length of stay - I'm hearing from now until JULY. wtf. Ta mil - as we've got a two bed flat you're getting us to live in a bedsit for the next three months

OUTRAGEOUS

Your dh sounds a mummy's boy too. But Harry 0- I've just taken ds to gp to get referal to speech therapy - gp says it could possibly be emotional and he's picking up on the stress.

Get your mil and dh to behave and to behave now. Do not acecpt that mil needs key a bit longer. No, she gives it back and now. You do not use her for childcare and note that Child Tax credit may be of great help to you. Also get in touch with surestart - they can give you childcare advice!

I'm with the view is almost impossible to deal with people who are so firm in their mindset.

I nearly killed my mil last week when I had the pleasure of staying with her. MY dh and I have pretty much no relationship now in great part due to fact the apron strings were never cut.

Well, 'd'p had a dentist try and sell him very (and I mean very) expensive cosmetic treatment costing tens of thousands of pounds.Erm, I'm losing my job - already spent best part of £4k so far this year on travel back an forth to his mum (overseas). He thinks this money can go on a credit card. I was horrified and she immediately starts having a go at me. I thought 'ENOUGH' so I pointed out the treatment was twice the cost of her home as it happened - but this enraged her futher.

Sadly I think a mummy's boy will prioritise his mummy over his wife and children and his mummy will prioritise herself over everyone, then her ds over her gs. And that's just the way it goes.

And worse still, by dh has just flown back over (oh we only arrived back home 4 days ago) to go and fetch her back to our home for a 3 month visit. And again, my point about priorities - as we only live in a small 2 bed flat - she's clearly happy to have her grandchild live in bedsit conditions for a quarter of the year.