Mother in law making me feel like sh*t (bit long)

[HarryB]

Don't know where to start and feel so down. I am a first time mum and had a pretty traumatic induction and labour which ended in a c-section. When DS was born, he had some initial breathing problems which I hear is common after a c-section, but it really put the wind up me, so I'm a bit worried and check DS breathing alot. We have a monitor etc for his cot as I personally believe in using technology if it is available to you, for peace of mind. The MiL, however, is always making digs about it. In fact, she is always making digs about everything from how often I feed him, to him having a dummy (I give one as last resort as he is a real thumb sucker; she thinks dummies are gross), to am I giving him water inbetween feeds, to what he is wearing in bed and how I lay him to sleep (I lay him on his back, she tries to lay him on his side), to the fact that I let him cry for 2 seconds today whilst I put his bib on, and she said "forget the bib, just feed him". She lives really close too and pops round when she wants. DS is 8 weeks old and I haven't, or can't even contemplate letting her look after him as I know she would ignore everything I say regarding his care as soon as my back is turned. She thinks today's guidelines are rubbish and really is in the "didn't do us any harm" camp. The worst thing she does though, is say how good a dad my husband is, and then has a subtle dig at me by saying "he's so calm around him and you have to be calm around babies as they sense when you're not". Now, I am far from frantic, and think I could be doing an ok job, I just believe in taking precautions and following guidelines set by professionals rather than a 70 year old that last looked after children 40 years ago. I am so sick of her making me feel like a bad mum and find that I am second guessing myself because I have her comments in the back of my mind. I am thinking of moving (but then I would be leaving a house we have spent a lot of money on and that I love, and great schools). I have said to hubby to talk to her but I think he's abit scared of upsetting her. She is a widow and has nothing in her life but her children.

we were first time parents, and I would sleep with 1 ear open, I then bought a respensence.

best thing I ever done, slept like a baby (no pun)

they are not cheap, but OMG they are great, simply clip on their nappy, and if baby stops breathing all hell breaks lose, it even vibrates hard, to try to shock baby back to breathing

Aeschylus, we have the babysense II which is great so far. It flashes a light as DS breaths so I can wake up and look at it and know he's ok without disturbing him. I am absolutely pooping it though as we're going on holiday this year and obviously can't take 2 heavy sensor pads with us. DS will be 9 months then and I hope out of the woods re SIDs but the risk is up to a year isn't it. How big is your respensense - would it small enough to travel with?

Aeschylus, we have the babysense II which is great so far. It flashes a light as DS breaths so I can wake up and look at it and know he's ok without disturbing him. I am absolutely pooping it though as we're going on holiday this year and obviously can't take 2 heavy sensor pads with us. DS will be 9 months then and I hope out of the woods re SIDs but the risk is up to a year isn't it. How big is your respensense - would it small enough to travel with?

Aeschylus, I just googled it. Bloody marvelous and definitely travel size. I could kiss you as I was dreading going on holiday and having to leave my monitor behind and then spend 2 weeks hardly sleeping because I'm checking DS breathing. DH will be happy too as he knows I've not been looking forward to holiday for that very reason. Mwah!

DH went to see his mum on mother's day to drop off flowers and card. She was really surprised that Dh didn't bring DS with him and asked where he was - funny enough, he was with me as it was my first mother's day. MiL last saw DS last Friday for a good 5 hours. So, how often is reasonable for her to see DS per week. I think once is more than enough but maybe that's just me - what do you think?

Once a week plenty (especially if you stayed 5 hours!) (sorry to join thread at such a late stage ). When my DS was tiny we lived a similar distance (10 min drive) that you do from your ILs and I would get twitchy if we saw them every single week especially if it was say a run of consecutive Sunday lunches at theirs in case in became a "precedent". I guess everyone has to find the level that is right for their family tho...

Thanks KamR. Yes, once is fine I think. I too get twitchy especially when the weekend is over as I know DH has to go back to work and I'll have to see her at some stage. Things must be getting through to her though as she hasn't popped round today.

I wouldn't be keen on more than fortnightly so you don't get into a "my" day thing. I work part time though, and the relatives live elsewhere, and we tend to be busy on weekends though so I've never seen any relative more often than monthly. I never saw my grandparents much though so don't feel regular gp visits are an essential part of family life. Other folk feel differently and get upset if gps aren't chomping at the bit to come round and fuss over the kids.

I'm with you there 2Rebecca. My GPs (dad's side) lived overseas so we saw them once a year tops and my mum's side were dead before I came along. I don't think GP is essential either, but DH's sister does and I think that's why MiL thought we'd be the same. Once a week is plenty I think.

~She CLEANED your house. OMG and she has key which she used to CLEAN YOUR HOUSE.

Nooooooooooooooooo That gives her the excuse.

Key back - no just change locks better idea.

OMG - my mil coming to stay on an open bloody ticket. I feel ill. And she'll clean the house - she's done it before and in about three days I'll be completely marginalised from my home and family but running around after her.

ooooo harry - that gives me very bad vibes.

And with the monitor thing - of course you can take it with you on holiday- just pack less clothes so your suitcase isn't overweight.

I had one of those of under matress breathing monitor things. My ds is almost three and when we put him in his own room (yep, finally - but my view is the majority of mum's in the world cosleep for whatever reason and it OK actually) I'm going to find the old baby monitor so I can hear if he wakes up and is unhappy,

What I'm trying to say Harry is be the mum you're most comfortable being.

You're doing a great job. You're a bloody star

Harry, this sounds like a nightmare. My mil is very keen on giving unsolicited (but well meant) advice and after months of it, I've realised that being upfront, but nice, is key. It depends on what you want ultimately - it's important to me to that ds grows up in a situation where his mother and grandmother are on good terms. I don't know if this is possible with yours, she sounds truly awful. But there are degrees of hostility.

I found the following tricks worked for me:

I played dirty and used snide comments back, saying that my mother (lives far away) was such a great grandmother, and never gave unsolicited advice, which is really the best you can ask for in a grandparent. In other words, as she undermines you as a mother, you undermine her as a grandmother. I felt a bit mean doing it but it had an effect.

I turned to comedy. This was accidental. One day I was stewing about some petty competitive stuff she'd done and went to text my rage to a good friend. As I wrote it, it became really funny, and she found it hilarious. Since then, I almost look forward to them so that I can text my friend with the latest instalment. I find this makes me happier than huffing and puffing. And it gives me valuable distance from the situation. And reduces those poison moments - if you can laugh at something, it's less likely to hurt you.

I started standing my ground really firmly. I've been known to end conversations saying "and that's that" or "end of story" and then very lightly moving on to the next topic. Inside, I'm jelly, but she's getting the message. Also, as someone mentioned earlier, don't tell her too much. When she asks how's the baby, say "great" - the more information she has, the more she can worm her way in.

And get that key back!!!

HarryB how are you getting on? Just wondering how you're dealing with MIL as im going through the exact same thing at the moment.. She's only snide when she has her daughter as an audience ( which is quite a lot). She knows Im so shy ill never bite back and this makes her think she's clever as she's getting away with it. Even if I tried to answer back id go bright red and stutter the words out im that pathetic! She is destroying what little confidence I have left and making me feel as though Im going mad and being paranoid. DP is a mummies boy and wont say a word to her as he doesnt like confrontation etc etc, so now I feel like a trouble maker. The trouble is I am in debt to her as we live in one of her houses rent free and she babysits loads so's I can go to the gym. I wouldnt care about any of this, Id rather live in a squat and be surrounded by nice, honest people than be made an idiot of infront of other people. Im sorry if ive gone on a bit, sadly you're not alone in what you're going through! xx ( ps I dont actually go to gym, i sit in my car feeling sorry for myself as my confidence is so low I cant bear the thought of being surrounded by other people) Sad eh!

Hi Twilko, so sorry to hear you're feeling this way - I really understand the bit about her showing off in front of her daughter, it's pathetic of her but still chips away at your confidence doesn't it. That is no more than bullying. You are not going mad and you are not pathetic.

In my experience, the first thing to make things better is to get your DP onside. This may take a while as sons love their mums, but you will get there as they love us more. It is doubtful that he will confront his mum but it's important that he listens to how you are feeling? That is the first step in getting your confidence back as you need someone to understand and believe you. DP also needs to back you up when she says anything shitty. Even if it's just a "oh don't be silly mother" - enough of those and your MiL will back off as she won't want to upset her beloved DS. You then need to say a big "f*ck you" in your head to your MiL and focus on YOUR family (You, DC and DP).

Not sure on the situation with the rent; whether it is that you are unable to pay rent at the mo, or that she won't take the money from you. Either way, don't feel indebted to her because of that as it is obviously her choice to let you live there and she is probably doing it for her DS so that's their business and not for you to feel guilty about. If she has you over a barrel over it then she's a mega guilt tripping cow. If you feel brave enough, tell your DP about how low you're feeling that you sit in the car when you say you are at the gym. I really feel for you. I used to sit in the park full of self-loathing.

I wasn't good at answering back either but made myself do it in the end and trust me, you grow in confidence once you've floored the MiL with a comeback. She'll be so shocked. Anything she says now is usually met with no more than a few words said very calmly e.g. "if you say so" or "no, we like to do things this way". DH also called her and said that I was busy doing stuff at baby group and not to bother going round and after a few times of saying it, she no longer pops in unannounced. I probably see her about one per week now, and always when DH is there so it has got much better.

Sorry for rambling, but never blame yourself for feeling this way. MiLs are a funny old lot sometimes and I have found that their behaviour is mainly out of jealousy of no longer being considered top dog of the family. The most important thing is to nip it in the bud now.

Arrrrrrgh!!!! Need to rant. After making a lot of progress, in my mind at least, MiL came round yesterday. It was a prearranged visit but I am left pissed off for 2 reasons. Firstly, she knew DS was getting over a cold (his first one ahh), and she comes round with a cold herself!! Funnily enough, she didn't mention the cold at all when DH was on the phone to her, then she gets here and blames me for catching it - I had a sore throat about 2 weeks ago . Secondly, my DS sleeps through the night and has done so since 5 weeks. Because of this, I make sure he gets enough formula during the day by feeding him every 3-ish hours. Now, I don't hold him to a rigid routine but I know the signs of when he is hungry and it's always around every 3-3.5 hours, unless we are out and about. So, she gets here and I'm feeding him, then 3 hours later she sees I'm feeding him again. She doesn't say anything to me, but goes into the kitchen and I heard her say "cry for it" and I knew she'd made a comment but couldn't be sure exactly what it was. I asked DH later and he said that she'd said "DS is being fed again, you should make him cry for it". DH said that DS had been ill and was feeding little and often , why he didn't say, he sleeps through the night and we'd prefer not to starve him all day, I don't know, and also that we don't believe in making a baby scream for food when we're 99% sure that he is hungry. It's like two steps forward, 3 steps back. I want to say to DH that I don't want her coming round at all, as I don't think I can bear to be in the same room as her anymore, but then I think that I know my son, so why don't I just ignore it, especially when she was wise enough not to make the comment directly to me. I am becoming a bit obsessed with all this I think. I'm even worrying about when I have to go back to work in 6 months - yes 6 months and I'm worrying - that due to logistics and finance, we will be forced to leave DS with her for at least 1 day per week (max 2). He will be a year old and I am worrying already that if she sees his first steps that she'll lord it over me forever. She is that kind of woman.

Sorry for long post, I just needed to vent.

Harryb

I feel for you and indeed your H needs to stand up for his own family unit i.e you and his son. He married you - his primary loyalty should be to you both.

Did you get that key back off this toxic MIL of yours?. I call her toxic because she is certainly not doing your mental health any favours whatsoever, not taking any responsibility for her actions, never apologies and is being domineering.

I think her "cry for it" comment is cruel.

Tell your DH how you feel; do tell him you don't want her over as it is making you feel uncomfortable. I would actually now go as far to say no more pre arragned visits to your house; she will drive you insane. Actually this is all about power and control; she is becoming and has become far too domineering (my guess is she has always been domineering) and is succeeding in driving a wedge between you and H because you resent his lack of action towards his Mother.

After a lifetime though of being on the receiving end from his Mother it is very hard for him to immediately change his tune. He's become conditioned by her to accept her for what she is so regards her behavioiurs as normal. He is likely also afraid of her to some extent. I give that as possible reasons for his lack of action but that does not fully excuse him.

Re going back to work I would seriously consider finding alternative childcare. She has the potential to do much damage.

Oh Harryb, you have my sympathies! My MIL has also exhibited horribly domineering, controlling and undermining behaviour since dd was born (didn't like the name we chose, perpetually said how 'gurny' she was whenever I said what a happy little soul she was, refused to accept she was sleeping through so quickly, 'isn't mummy cruel to you', 'are you starving? Maybe we should starve you, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea'...I could go on for a while here!!)
DD is 16mo and she arrived unannounced at the weekend for the third weekend out of four and I'm afraid I had a complete wobbler.
You need to stand up to her and set some boundaries - if you don't this will go on forever. I'm a great believer in not mincing your words, and perhaps she just needs to be told quite directly to BACK OFF! And yes, get the key back -it's not her house and having your keys will be adding to her delusions of control and ownership, because that is what this is about. Good luck!!

Oops, I meant to second what Attila has said about seriously thinking carefully about using her as cheap/free childcare.

These are formative years for DS and the real cost could end up being far greater than you anticipate if she drips her poison into his ears at this age. There is no way on earth I would let my MIL have regular responsibility for DD....not a power thing on my part at all, but based entirely on the horrible, jealous behaviour and nasty toxic comments that have emanated from her almost consistently since I became pregnant. I would hate DD to be a focus for her rage (however indirectly - I found the quiet little 'starving' comment absolutely chilling) and as a result will be very careful about their interaction form now on.

Harryb you have to get her out of your head -- it's now so bad that even when she is not there she is still undermining your confidence.

Remember this:

if she could remember what it was like to be a new mother, she would not be doing this.

she IS doing it, so she can't remember

so you can feel completely superior and ignore her completely

No don't have her as childcare. I did that. It was AWFUL and extremely destructive and damaging.

Stories like yours make it all come flooding back and I have to to make it go away again.

Protect yourself!!!

Your baby- your choices.
Your husband- his mother.
Get him to sort her out. Or tell him you will.
You are doing fantastically well, and of course it's going to be stressful for you given the breathin problems at birth.

Thanks Atilla, I said to DH about getting the key off her and he said that it's best she keeps it just for emergencies, and in years, she has only used it once, so what can you say. I am thinking of changing the locks though.

I tried talking to DH last night and said that those kind of comments are really shitty to a new mum. He rolled his eyes like to say, here we go again. He works hard and is tired and picking this up at 10pm probably wasn't the best time.

You are so right with regards to DH being used to how she is. She is sooo domineering it's untrue. When I have approached DH about the way she is, he just says, she old fashioned, ignore her and we'll do our own thing. I think he is afraid of her to a certain extent, in that he's frightened of hurting her feelings, but I could then argue that my feelings are being hurt because of it.

Bottom line is, I am ready for her now and if she says anything directly to me, I'll have her out of my house in a shot. I think she knows this though hence her comment to DH not me.

Re childcare, I know what you mean and I hope to put DS in nursery for the majority of the week but circumstances might not allow that. DH is being made redundant next year, so unless he finds a job soon after, he will be at home with DS, and then she will be round all the time once I am out of the way at work. I am starting to worry for my own relationship with DH. Not a good sign is it.

In that case you must say something directly to her, very forcefully I think. Nothing else will work. She doesn't care about your feelings, why care about hers? She doesn't care about your relationship with your child, why care about hers?

Nice to take the charitable view but ridiculous to be stamped on.

I think I would be really objectionably, unignorably, vocally unpleasant to her.

Poppycock, Boredwith.. and Bucharest. She does all of that stuff too - such as the "ahh, is mummy starving you".

Childcare is going to be an issue, and we are seriously over a barrel with that one. We wont be able to afford 3 days at nursery (I will be at home 2 days per week) unless DH gets work right away as we need to keep his payout to cover the mortgage.

She did back off for a bit and I'm sure my Sil told her too. Perhaps it might be worth DH speaking to SiL in an attempt to drive the message home to MiL.

Those kind of comments all boil down to the kind of conditioning your DH will have lived with his whole life:

'you need me'
'don't forget what I do/have done for you'
'you owe me'
'what i want is the most important thing in your life'

-that's what she's saying, insidiously and subtly.

It's little by little an attempt at creating a little exclusive partnership that establishes her as the one with power...God I hate thinking like this but I honestly believe it's manipulation and an attempt to exclude you pure and simple. I think my MIL would be delighted if DP and I seperated, and she would then spend time with DP and DD as a 'family'. If you are starting to worry about your relationship with DH, you need to pay attention to that instinct and stop her manipulations now.

Just wanted to add my support to the others who have posted.
You are coping so well with an intolerable situation.
I wonder if your parents would be in a position to speak to her, or to your DH? Or maybe you could go and stay with them for a few days, so that you have a complete break from MiL?
The trouble with her living so close to you is that even if she doesn't call unannounced, at the back of your mind you still know that she could.
Equally, when she is with you but not making toxic comments, you are almost waiting for the next drop of poison to spew from her mouth, which will inevitably make you feel stressed.
I really hope your situation improves quickly.