Mother in law making me feel like sh*t (bit long)

[HarryB]

Don't know where to start and feel so down. I am a first time mum and had a pretty traumatic induction and labour which ended in a c-section. When DS was born, he had some initial breathing problems which I hear is common after a c-section, but it really put the wind up me, so I'm a bit worried and check DS breathing alot. We have a monitor etc for his cot as I personally believe in using technology if it is available to you, for peace of mind. The MiL, however, is always making digs about it. In fact, she is always making digs about everything from how often I feed him, to him having a dummy (I give one as last resort as he is a real thumb sucker; she thinks dummies are gross), to am I giving him water inbetween feeds, to what he is wearing in bed and how I lay him to sleep (I lay him on his back, she tries to lay him on his side), to the fact that I let him cry for 2 seconds today whilst I put his bib on, and she said "forget the bib, just feed him". She lives really close too and pops round when she wants. DS is 8 weeks old and I haven't, or can't even contemplate letting her look after him as I know she would ignore everything I say regarding his care as soon as my back is turned. She thinks today's guidelines are rubbish and really is in the "didn't do us any harm" camp. The worst thing she does though, is say how good a dad my husband is, and then has a subtle dig at me by saying "he's so calm around him and you have to be calm around babies as they sense when you're not". Now, I am far from frantic, and think I could be doing an ok job, I just believe in taking precautions and following guidelines set by professionals rather than a 70 year old that last looked after children 40 years ago. I am so sick of her making me feel like a bad mum and find that I am second guessing myself because I have her comments in the back of my mind. I am thinking of moving (but then I would be leaving a house we have spent a lot of money on and that I love, and great schools). I have said to hubby to talk to her but I think he's abit scared of upsetting her. She is a widow and has nothing in her life but her children.

Poor you, she sounds like a total pita, and you're being a lot more understanding of her than I would be. My mil is a pita, but to be fair doesn't tend to criticise me, partly because she daren't and partly because she knows she was bloody useless when she had babies. My mil wants to come here when DH is at work, but it's just not going to happen, there is no reason whatsoever for her to come when he isn't here. (I put this on an aibu thread recently). Make this your new resolution, I guess it will mean that you lose a bit of family time, but you can get DH on board with making sure it's not too much. Why on earth should you have to endure her negativity and criticism when you're on your own?!

Reading your posts, I don't think you sound like you're suffering pnd at all. I am no expert (far far from it), so I hope it's OK for me to say that. I do think that having a new baby is really hard, you question yourself all the time anyway, and it's easy to feel watched too. This is going to be compounded by having someone criticise you, it's inevitable. Don't doubt yourself. She doesn't know what she is talking about, and you do know what you are doing. She is not your friend, she is your husband's mother, and she needs to get to know her place.

After her comment at lunch, you're a saint not to have buried her in the garden. No advice, but she sounds a total nightmare.

PS: I still use one of those monitors with my 2 year old!

I've just finished the rest of thread. I'm so cross on your behalf I'm seething, and I don't even know her.

Re the worrying about one poo a day or three and you worrying you are loosing your confidence - every new mother suddenly becomes obsessed about poo. DH and I went from being a 'normal' couple to most conversations being about DS1's poo!

I admire you keeping so much from your DH because he has to work, but you really must remember that you are a family now and that is all that matters right now for your son. If her presence is stressing you out and causing you to worry about whether your child is looking at you & liking you, then you need to put yourself first. If you can't do it for you, do it for your son. Don't look back on these wonderful days with regret. You don't have to be aggressive or nasty, just be firm.

HarryB, your post made me really feel for you. I know it is hard when you are going round and round in your own head, but dont ever EVER worry about your baby loving you. You are your son's whole world at the moment, he may well not even realise you are a seperate entity. When he cries he does need you - if she has him, taking him back with a firm 'needs ME now, thankyou' should put her back in her box. Your smell, your voice, the way YOU hold him is his happy place at the moment, dont let me undermine that.

Of course you feel unsure of yourself sometimes, we all do, and remember part of being a good mum is to worry about him. Even now with my two aged 2 and 4 DH and I often get into bed and have the following conversation:
me: did you check on the girls?
him:no
Pause
DH (lifts duvet and eyebrow): Go on then

and I scuttle downstairs and check they are sleeping and breathing (!) and scuttle back upstairs, otherwise I cant sleep. I know I am being irrational but worrying about them is part of my job.

Two issues here, one is your mil behaving without any tact or empathy or thoughts to the consequences (and dealing no doubt with her own issues brought about by the arrival of your son). Second is you not feeling supported by your husband. I think you are starting to sort out the mil by being less available and starting to be angry with her rather than upset. You do need a chat with you husband, but its a big upheaval having a baby and it will all settle down. If he was a good man before your ds arrived he is still a good man now, it is a time of adjustment for everyone. Hoping you start to feel better.

'dont let HER undermine that' sorry!

My MIL and my dp made my life hell, she was a class one bitch and he was a mommas boy who wouldnt stand up for me, it was terrible, it made me ill, and not just sickly I mean I actually now have an Auto immune illness because of years of stress from an abusive mil and her son.

So please if you are feeling so upset about this do not think of anyone else but yourself, and if he is incapable of dealing with it, go over his head and say to her, that you appreciate her thoughts but as it was for her it is for you, you are the mother so its your way everytime.

head high voice low stern and unrepenting, you beleive in yourself, you are a good mother, wife, dil, be strong, do not let this escalate. And above everything make sure you are happy, sod her, sod his refusal to act, look after No 1.

Agree with Blinks -- a heart to heart is pointless. At some time in the future or even while you are talking to her, whatever you say will be used against you to prove you are stressed/over sensitive/paranoid etc etc and after all "she is only trying to help" ho ho ho.

Remember this: she CANNOT remember what it is like to have a new baby. She DOES NOT remember what it is like to have a new baby. If she did remember she would not be doing this to you. Hold this thought whenever her words are echoing round in your head which can happen even when she's not there I bet! and dismiss them and her from your mind completely.

If your dp is not vocally supportive, then when/if you have any doubts about how you're doing as a Mum then phone your Mum and say "Mum I feel a bit feeble and need you to tell me I'm a great Mum."

Confidence is the key to rejecting her offensive intrusions at bay with calm and control.

You must do it or it could damage your relationship with your child.

DH has to man up. My MIL was/is a total bitch, my stomach actually churned when I saw her. But DH has always stood up against her, she was never allowed to call round unannounced, she came on a Sunday for no more than a hour, not 5 .

The main problem was me trying to hold my tongue, I would happily tell her were to go. I was trying to be nice .

It ended up she didn't see my DDs for 3 years after threatening to kidnap them (she since has been diagonsed with mental health problems.) She now comes to the house every other Saturday and I go out.

Sorry my last sentence is just as bossy as your mil. Just ignore it. I was distracted by children and didn't preview I put it in only because it happened to me. I sympathize hugely xx

Thanks ladies. After my rage last night, I have decided that I just can't be arsed with it all. I have my baby to care for, not spending my energy pussy footing around her. Soooooo, I said to DH that I am going to be out when she calls this week (always on the same day, although still unannounced. I told him that I was disappointed with him for not supporting me. He said that he does support me but there's no point speaking to her as she is set in her ways and wont change. I know this deep down really and like you all have said, a "heart-to-heart" is probably just what she is waiting for so she can play the victim. I told DH that I can't bear to be in the same room as her for a while and he should take DS to her house one evening per week and I'll stay at home and have a pamper evening - he has agreed to this. He even offered to take us away for the weekend to give me some new surroundings and a break. I am setting up loads of things at the weekends over the next month or so which means we will be out or will be with friends indoors and too busy for her to pop round. Fuck her quite frankly. She will get the message that this is my family, not hers.

good for you, show her you are untouched by her, she will lose all her power, its all psychological war fare really, bloody MIL.

Fantastic. Get her out of your head. Such unkindness to a new Mum -- she doesn't deserve to see you. You're right to say you don't want to see her at all for a while.

By the way, in the future if dh or mil accuse you of being over sensitive, you could give it straight back to them. Say "no, I think you're being over sensitive if you don't like my comments/the fact I'm going out/the fact I don't take your/her advice". Or say "it's ok, don't be paranoid, I just do things differently" if there's any huffiness about ignoring what she says.

Good luck, enjoy the pampering nights, sounds like you deserve them.

HarryB hope you're OK this morning.

Don't worry about PND I went very withdrawn and basically let my MIL and others walk all over me, too scared and hopeless to say no- it was only when I was getting better did I start to get angry- and oh boy did I get angry. Thing is I was always a firey lady so this withdrawn person was so out of character.

What I was taught was you are in control, you control when your MIL sees her GC and she has to give and take. Not like a power freak but instead not letting things wash over you because they will come back to bite. For example my MIL ruined my 1st mothers day and I am still bitter. My dh planned a wonderful day and as we were coming home (bearing in mind we popped over that morning to give her a card etc) she rang crying giving the guilt trip over the car phone system knowing full well I could hear everything, and I gave in- not this year I've already gushed about our plans and she now knows we just won't answer her call.

It took a lot on my dh's part to say No to his mother, he will get there in the end I promise

oh and by the way my dh will call his dad on his mobile- I asked the other day why he didn't just call the house and he said by calling his dad's mobile it rules out speaking to his mom- so they do know!!! Bugger

HarryB, as I said in my above posts I think its really important that you put yourself first at the moment and that means not caring too much about whether your MIL gets to see her grandchild or not, if this makes you angry and uncomfortable. This has nothing to do about you being a good person or not. I worried about whether I was a good person I worried about MIL's rights to see her grandchild. But at the end of the day she didn't give a toss about me or my feelings, and the lack of control I felt in my own home when she was around contributed to my PND. I actually felt my blood pressure rise as soon as I knew she knocked on the door, my heart beating, sweats and everything.

HAving said that, I do believe that in the deep deep future, my MIL and I (and possibly you and yours too) may get along better.
Or at least you will become less bothered by your MIL's power games. I think the reason is that mothers are designed biologically to be like raging protective wolves when it comes to their babies and any outsider who has the ignorance and arrogance to intervene on this special relationship will damage their relationship with the mother.
But with time, if you do want your child to have a relationship with her you will probably be able to. My DH takes DD every Sunday to see my MIL without me and this is great for everyone involved. But my point is you do not need to be worrying about this now. You need to be worrying about getting enough sleep and the like. You need to set some boundaries and explain that you need privacy and space and that these things are being encroached upon. If your MIL can't understand that right now this is what you need, then she is not worth her salt.

My MIL is a little insane (turned up uninvited to the birth of DD. Luckily 40 mins late because DD came quickly but then said "OH, I thought I'd get here while you were still in labour" . She proceeded to grab DD while my legs were still open and run off out of the room with her until the midwife had to call her back. I was so so angry about that but the anger only hit me months later.
But as mad as she is, when DH asked her to stay away from me for a while, she actually did. I didn't see her for two months. To give her credit, this helped her to salvage some kind of relationship with me and after two months of peace I felt ready for DH to start visiting her alone with DD and without me.

Been there got the tshirt harryb and tbh i didnt stand my ground and DH and my relationship still feels the repercations (sp) now and I know I will never fullyg et over the wa his mum and family treated me.. only read the original post but please try t sortit out now otherwise you will end up bitter about it like me and it is not a nice place to be. To top it all off when i went back to work she was the cchild carer and it was THE wors yea rof my life.

I hope that u get it sorted.

A bit of progress at last. DH seems to be getting the message of how upset I've been. He's told his mum not to bother popping round mid week as he'll go to hers later in the week. So, he is keeping her a bay for me. A few more of these and hopefully she will get the message that we are our own family now, not an extention of hers. I told DH that the only way I can explain it is it's like feeling suffocated by the stress when she is around me, and he seems to understand now.

Good for him! (and for you)

Pleased to hear that, Harry. Good for you for getting your point across.

I would also ask her to phone before coming round....just say her coming round is interfering with naps and some of the time you are napping with baby too!!!

I would also ask DP to have a little word with her, it will always sound better coming from him than you anyway.

I would also be firm, if you offers you out of date advice, then inform her of that let it be known she doesn't know what's best for your baby!

Oh KAEKAE, we asked her loads of times to call before popping round and she just laughed and ignored it. I wouldn't answer the door but donut DH gave her a key for emergencies.

At the moment, I am pretty much having no contact with her. A bit of space will do us both good - hopefully she might reflect and ask herself why I do not want her near me.

GET THE KEY BACK NOW!
Or she will be letting herself in before you no it.

or KNOW it even

Snicw, that'll be one for DH. She hates me enough already. To her credit, she's only ever used it once- to let herself in to clean. I made it clear after that I am capable of doing my own housework.

I would be tempted to put the chain on then!