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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Witness protection in court

212 replies

sleepingwiththeenemy · 25/02/2009 08:49

Hi, as some of you will know, I am due to give evidence at the trial of my ex husband in May. For those who don't, as it stands he is being tried for 11 counts of rape, sexual assault and worse...he may also stand trial for child abuse too if the police can persuade the CPS.
The only thying which has kept me sane throughout this is the fact that I will be able to give evidence from behind a screen, therefore will not have to see him at all. But I've been told now that he is asking for my right to protection to be removed and for me to have to testify face to face. There is a hearing in March to determine whether he can force me to do this or not...it is basicaly up to the judge. But I know I cannot do it if I have to see or be seen by him. I spent 6 years with him, filled with abuse, during which time he abused me in every way possible, and even worse abused my children. It is only the fact that I haven't seen him or heard from him in 18 months that my self confidence has returned but I know that if I have to do this I will become a wreck and be unable to give evidence in a calm way. I feel sick now just thinking about it. For the first time since this all began I am doubting my wisdom in agreeing to testify against him. My normal composure is now shot to f**k and I am never far from tears...I've been proud of the way I've managed to deal with it all - by rights I should be weaving baskets in a padded cell by now - but this is a massive blow.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 06/05/2009 13:52

Just spoken to the police and they believe it is just delaying tactics in the hope that I will pull out. Mind games really. It was at the request of the defence, saying they need more time to prepare his defence. Oh well...I'm b*ggered if I will let him beat me...I'll just use the time to build myself even stronger
At the same time, my DD2 has got scarlet fever, so am dealing with a double whammy at the moment.

OP posts:
AccioPinotGrigio · 06/05/2009 14:45

Oh god SWTE - that's shit news. Still you've got the right attitude, it will give YOU extra time to gather your strength!

DwayneDibbley · 06/05/2009 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 14/05/2009 10:11

I'm really struggling at the moment, coping alone. It's so so hard. I don't know if sub consciously it's because the trial should be starting in 4 days and would all be over in a week or so and now I know it's all going to be there like a bloody cloud hanging over me til September.
I'm trying to bring up the three kids by myself, and all the problems and traumas which come with a teenage daughter...it just feels like I'm being pulled in so many directions and everyone leans on me but when it comes to me needing support there's no one there for me to lean on. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect support as such from the kids...that's not their job...but sometimes they could make my life easier iykwim? All I wanted to do last night was curl up in bed and cry and cry, but the anti depressants I'm on seem to have stifled the ability to cry. I can feel the tears building up inside but I can't let them out.
Sorry...I'm just ranting but I feel like a pressure cooker ready to blow. My family are useless, no support at all...all my friends are so far away and have their own problems...I really am doing this alone. Sometimes it's just too much.

OP posts:
AlistairSim · 14/05/2009 10:15

Hi SWTE,

Sorry you're having such a tough time, you've been dealt a crappy hand but you can do this and you will.

You are such a strong and brave woman and a fantastic role model for your children.

There will always be someone on mn to off-load to.

x.

AlistairSim · 14/05/2009 10:18

Just a thought, but would it be helpful to have a look at some member profiles and see if anyone lives close to you?

If I'm anywhere near, I would be more than happy to offer some help/support/a shoulder to cry on.

Ready4anotherCoffee · 14/05/2009 10:28

Hi Sleeping, I'm another lurker, but just wanted to add that I too think you are fantastic, and your children have the best mummy ever, you are keeping tham safe and loved. Here's to a nice summer so you can spend as much time as poss enjoying the sun, biulding up yourself to crucify him.

I know you don't know me, but I would also be more than happy to do anything that helped if I am near you.

LoveBeingAMummy · 17/05/2009 22:29

Hi sleeping,

Again i am humbled by your strength. He can delay all he likes he is just putting off the outcome.

I remember you had some concerns about DD1, how is she doing now?

And remember you do have support.

x

thesouthsbelle · 26/05/2009 18:48

swte - I followed your other threads but under a different name, please remember you're NEVER alone, we might be virtual but we're very real, all woman sat at the other end of the computer ready to listen type and talk to you, to offer comfort and support, so you know you're not alone.

Your XH is well as we all know an idiot - lord only knows how his solicitor is doing all this cos i'm damned sure there's not many who would take a case on and still believe he's innocent???!

Still, remember you're in the right, You're strong, he can't break you (well you may well feel he has for a few days but he won't) - he's done his worst and you're the one stood standing while he's the one who will have a lovely big friend called 'leroy' in the showers to worry about. (poor joke sorry)

the idea of a tattoo is good thou. Am I right in thinking you're in the north, if your hearing is in the south and you're down here before I don't mind meeting for a coffee/something before/after/when you're visiting the courts if you want moral support - i'm sure many of us would also be there as well if you needed for moral support.

never forget you're an amazing mum and amazing woman, and deserve every happiness.

I suspect you're low at the mo as you thought it would be over & you'd have found the end and been gearing up for this - get back to your doctor and have a chat about things again - it's no wonder you're exhausted.

take care, and keep posting. x

warthog · 26/05/2009 19:14

swte, you are amazing. he's trying everything he can think of and it all adds up to show what a completely vile nutcase he is.

find strength for the last haul - he's got everything to lose now, and you have everything to gain.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 26/05/2009 19:36

I've just read this thread for the first time, and when I saw there was a trial date in May I read the rest of it thinking, the OP has returned to tell us he's got sent down for life...

I'm so sorry this has to hang over you still.

LoveBeingAMummy · 10/08/2009 07:52

Hey sleeping hope you and cildren have had a good summer x

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 30/08/2009 23:41

Hi all.
I've kept my head down over the summer as I have been trying to forget all about the trial, but it is now upon me and I am being forced to confront it. So...the trial starts on Tuesday 1st September and I am to be called on Wednesday morning to testify. His first wife is giving evidence first, on Tuesday afternoon, and hopefully will be finished the same day. If not it will mean hours of waiting if she is called back wed morning, because I obviously have to wait til she's finished and I've been told to make arrangements for 2 days as I may well be required on Thursday morning too.
I am travelling down on Tuesday afternoon, the older DCs are staying with their Dad and my little one is spending the day with my friend who is driving me down and then looking after her and picking me up from court afterwards. It's a 250 mile journey down there, and the same back so it's going to be a tiring week both physically and emotionally. I hope I'm only needed wed afternoon as this means the DC can start back at school on Thursday as they should, otherwise they will miss the first day of the new school year.
I am truly sh**ting myself. I am completely washed out, drained, emotional but at the same time I am so happy that it's finally here and I can get on with my life without it hanging over me anymore. x

OP posts:
Amapoleon · 30/08/2009 23:49

Good luck! I wish you strength.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 30/08/2009 23:58

Thankyou...I really need the support. x

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 31/08/2009 00:02

By the way...remember I mentioned how unsupportive my Mum has been? Well I had her up to mine for a few days and 2 conversations really stand out to me...one was when I told her some of the details about the rape charges...she said 'I wouldn't mind if he was good looking...' and the other was when I told her some of the things he did to our little girl...she said 'did you know this was going on when you were living with him?'!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
dizietsma · 31/08/2009 00:42

Wow, your mum sounds like a bad person to be around right now. The things she said were incredibly insensitive at best and actively nasty at worst.

Surround yourself only with people you can trust, ask for and accept as much support as you can.

You can do this, you're in the home stretch now. You've been incredibly brave and strong, I bet you don't feel it, but you're a real hero. Heroes are people who display moral courage, and you have shown that you have it in spades.

Hopefully this bastard will receive justice for the horrific ordeals he has put you and your family through.

Can you perhaps plan something really nice for yourself for after the trial? Spending time with some supportive family or friends, or even something fairly trivial like a haircut or a massage.

Please make sure you look after yourself; little things like eating regularly, trying to get a good nights kip (easier said than done, I understand), taking a relaxing bath etc. You are going through an incredibly tough time and deserve some TLC.

Have you got a counsellor or therapist? If not, you may want to arrange to see one a couple of times after the trial is over. I imagine you'll be processing a lot of heavy emotions and need some support/sounding board. Perhaps a Rape crisis counsellor, or even just calling Women's Aid?

Keep posting, I'll watch this thread and be rooting for you on the 1st.

BitOfFun · 31/08/2009 02:12

Will be thinking of you, sleeping, and wishing you strength: you should be so proud of yourself for comng through all of this x x x

LobstersLass · 31/08/2009 10:08

I've been following your story since the beginning and I think you are the bravest woman I've ever come across.

You've been strong for so long, it's only a few more days - although I have no doubt that these days may be the most testing yet. I'm glad you've got your friend there with you.

Your mother sounds mad - deeply unhelpful.

I'll be thinking of you this week.

ArizonaBarker · 31/08/2009 10:22

I'm so sorry you're not getting the support you want form your mother, but you have proven that you are strong enough to do this without her.

Your children will be so proud of you and you should be proud of yourself.

Remember there will always be someone here to hold you hand in a virtual way.

Buda · 31/08/2009 10:25

Have been wondering how you were doing. Fingers crossed for you that it all goes well and you get the results that you want and he deserves.

Your mum sounds like a basket case! But you don't need her. You have you. And you are STRONG. You have proved it to get to now. Hopefully in a few more days it will all be sorted and you can truly move on.

Good luck and keep posting. I'll be thinking of you over the next few days.

nowtlikelife · 31/08/2009 12:33

Stayed up till 5am this morning reading through the whole lot...once I started I couldn't let go
Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and wish you peace hope and immeasurable amounts of happiness for yourself and DC's
Just remember "What doesn't break us,makes us stronger"

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 31/08/2009 15:38

Nowtlikelife....5am??? But thanks. I do appreciate it. x

OP posts:
wilbur · 31/08/2009 15:43

I haven't read the whole of your thread, swte, but I remember some of your previous postings about this. Wishing you strength for the next week and peace once it is all over.

sherby · 31/08/2009 15:46

good luck swte