should I report my dh?

[needhelp09]

I'm looking for some advice. I have a 3 year old ds is who is often willfully defiant and this drives my dh completely mad, so much so that he loses his temper and hits out at my ds.

An incident occurred today when ds was on the naughty step and would not sit down. Dh insisted he sat down as part of the punishment and then when he wouldn't, struck ds across of the face! He left a red mark.

I don't really know what to do next. Should I have called the police? I am afraid to involve ss, because I have heard they can do more harm than good. I'm worried they may think I am over reacting.

I told dh that hitting the face is assault and is extremely serious and could end him up in alot of trouble. He doesn't seem to care. We are not talking at the moment, because I feel furious and betrayed by him for hurting our precious ds. I don't know how he could do it. I could never hit ds, no matter how angry I was, and would always walk away from any situation before it got that far. I feel I have let ds down, by not protecting him when he needed me.

NH, you are sounding stringer and stronger with every post. I applaud you for finding that strength to do what's right for you.

oops ignore that it sounds like he does enjoy resorting to violence!

Exactly needhelp but what was your reaction the first time ?
I think (hope) he realises he has gone too far.
I also think if you do want to continue a relationship with him as you have said previously then charmagoat has a very good point.
You both need to discuss what you think is acceptable discipline.
Hopefully he has gone out to cool off and you can have this conversation with him.

Think I need to write some of your suggestions down. I always end up forgetting during our conversations and end blabbering or going silent, wondering what to do next.

OP have you thougt about contacting Parentline Plus? I think they are similar to the Scottish charity Parentline and offer a free and confidential support line to anyone who needs help with their parenting. It may be good to have some impartial but specialist support over the next few days whilst everything is very overwhelming. I hope you and your dh find a way to work through this.

LoneStranger - dh didn't seem to react when I told him ds said he was upset with his daddy. I don't know if it was a front to cover how awful he feels.

He doesn't say how he feels to me. He says his father was like this too, covering his emotion. He was an army doctor, so not the done thing to feel weakness I suppose.

I'm finding it so hard to talk to him, we just reach stalemate and go silent and then I am struggling to know how to get through to him. Whatever I say, he discounts it and gets defensive. Telling I am making out he is a monster.

What if you were to ask him to stay somewhere else for a while until you have been to relate for some counselling. If you explain to him how upset this is making you and how unacceptable the behaviour is but that you want to make the relationship work. To be honest you both have ideologically different views on discipline - he fundamentally believes the way he was raised is correct and you obviously feel yours is also correct. Admittedly, his views are entirely contrary to modern ethics and parenting techniques in this country but when your entire background/race/upbringing is based on a heavy hand you can see where he is coming from (he knows no other way). Dont get me wrong I am by no means condoning it - I do not believe in hitting on any level. Pretty much everyone I know (adults) have been smacked during their childhood - I know that friends of mine and indeed dp were hit with a belt. My best friend's father was exSAS and paras and he regularly took a shoe/belt to her brothers. Perhaps this is an issue that you can address in counselling!

So he went quiet when you suggested alternative methods? Good. Maybe it will get him thinking. Its possible that he hadnt thought that discipline a child could be construed as hurting a child. He may feel that his parenting capacity has been castrated. Particularly as he appears to disciplind the only way he knows how - and that was how he himself was disciplined. Your suggestions (correct as they are) will no doubt go against the grain and he needs to sort out that 'discipline' and 'hurting' and not interchangeable in the context of parenting.

Do you know what you are going to do when he returns? Just a suggestion (that I may retract later as im thinking as a type), but maybe you could say that as you have made it clear that violence is not a disciplining option under ANY circumstances, how does he think you should both resolve this?

In my head I would logically think refusal to go to parenting classes would mean he wasn't interested, but knowing what my bloke is like - typical pig headed man, I know he'd never go and he does care.
(when we were having problems with each other and I suggested counselling he said if it had got that bad then clearly we weren't right for each other!)
Going silent doesn't mean he doesn't agree. It's just hard to be told how to behave by someone else.
It's good he's gone off in the car I reckon - cave time!!

I think a lot of people have anger issues .. I know that dp is very very fast to blow up (by no means does he get violent) and equally fast to calm down. He knows when he is wrong but his initial reaction is to come out on the attack. I have seen similar reactions from people at work etc. Your dh obviously has taken this a step further but you are right he needs to be able to recognise that he has to walk away.

I agree too to the not wanting parenting classes.
We offered these at my last work place and the take up rate by men was virtually nil.

I really hope he has had to 'think' outside of what he knows tonight.
It is easy for him to parent in the way he knows. But maybe he knows this sint acceptable. Admitting it and changing it will be very hard.

dh and I got married as ds was unexpected but not unwanted suprise pregnancy. He would not have been allowed home to his home country without us being married. I feel so sad that we having such difficulties after less than 3 years of marriage.

Cross-posted with yoru last one. MY DP has offered this:

Even the saddest b*tard without a heart would feel like a c*t if they heard that their child had said that. Not surprised he walked out though, must be tearing him to pieces and he's not going to show that is he.

Hope there's some truth in that. DP also says that your DH should be parenting your son to be everything that he is, and more. Can he honestly say that he's doing a good job?

needhelp09 am very proud of you , your strengh and determination to protect your kids is showing very strong. i wish i had a parent like you when i was young.i know this very very hard for you , but you are on the right path.- perhaps this will be the that your dh needs to re -evaluate his views on child care and disapline. id ask him to leave- and attend anger management and parenting classes, before id concider leaving dc with him.im disgusted at your mother.

It sounds like your parents reaction is a bit old school .. ie. a smack never did me any harm attitude. If they had actually seen it happen in real life I am sure they would have run to their gs' protection! Similarly, if your dp were to see another man losing control (because that is basically what he as an adult did) and hit their toddler he would probably be seriously shocked!

drlove8- I need to explain that the reason for the sexual frustration bit, was because we are not sharing a bed at the moment, due to dd waking in the night and having to co-sleep and therefore waking dh up. So we have separate beds for now. My mum thinks we are not intimate if we don't share a bed (not true), there are other places to do it mother!!

I know it doesn't make it right what she said. I think she was just looking for an answer that was looking at both of us at fault. She think dh is wonderful, actually most people do, that don't know him like I do. He can be wonderful and has been a brilliant father and husband, but I just can't ignore the fact that he has hurt my precious son so very badly and possibly scarred him for life psychologically. It is like my heart is hurting for my dear little boy

I would imagine that if this stops now then your ds will have no lasting memory of the incidents.

the problem is that my parents agree with dh about smacking and that just fuels his fire, so he thinks he right and I look like I don't know what I am talking about, as I am in the minority at the dinner table discussions! I try to fight my corner, but nobody takes on board what I say, preferring to stick to their outdated and harmful doctrines.

bodiddly -I truly hope you are right.

I don't want ds to blame me for doing nothing. I fear he will blame me for making his father leave.

Dh is back!

I would stop talking about things like this with your parents straightaway. Instead sit him down with professionals and let them talk to him. I would say show him this thread but I know a lot of middle eastern guys (through work) with similar outlooks as your dh and I know that they would feel somewhat violated and emasculated if their dw were to post on a public forum about family matters.

let us know you are okay please

bodiddly - dh would hate to know I had been posting here. I will talk to him in rl. I just need to get some different viewpoints to help me form mine and my approach with him.

Marriages are difficult. That's why you hear people saying you have to work at them. 3 years is nothing. It's good the difficulties are coming now. Hopefully you can sort them out and all will be well for the future together, but if not then it's best to know sooner than later eh?
You sound like a strong woman who knows her mind which is why I can't be too hard on your husband as I don't think you'd put up with an abusive husband - you're not! What he did is wrong, but I always think it's a good idea to look at what caused the problem.
I used to be an actress and got very frustrated with bad actors I worked with, but a friend said to me - "you are only responsible for your performance". I try to take this into my life and think what I can do about myself to help a situation e.g. you can get help from parenting classes and put it into practise, you can't make him go. It doesn't mean he's not trying to be a good parent, he just needs to see different methods working before he'll come around.

I'm ok, I may have to sign out if he comes over though.