should I report my dh?

[needhelp09]

I'm looking for some advice. I have a 3 year old ds is who is often willfully defiant and this drives my dh completely mad, so much so that he loses his temper and hits out at my ds.

An incident occurred today when ds was on the naughty step and would not sit down. Dh insisted he sat down as part of the punishment and then when he wouldn't, struck ds across of the face! He left a red mark.

I don't really know what to do next. Should I have called the police? I am afraid to involve ss, because I have heard they can do more harm than good. I'm worried they may think I am over reacting.

I told dh that hitting the face is assault and is extremely serious and could end him up in alot of trouble. He doesn't seem to care. We are not talking at the moment, because I feel furious and betrayed by him for hurting our precious ds. I don't know how he could do it. I could never hit ds, no matter how angry I was, and would always walk away from any situation before it got that far. I feel I have let ds down, by not protecting him when he needed me.

He just come and apologised to me. He said he was very sorry and that he will not smack ds or dd again. He said he doesn't like to be upset with me. I have asked him to apologise to ds in the morning and he said that he will. At least things are looking promising, wouldn't you say?

Sounds like he has done some thinking but I would personally not just let it slide because unless he gets some advice it is likely to happen again at some point. It is easy to say sorry, kiss and make up but unfortunately it doesnt cure an attitude that has been accepted as normal by him from birth. He obviously cares for you and your marriage now that he has calmed down which is a great.

Yay!!! I knew he'd come through in the end!! Woohoo!! Now kiss and make up and find a solution to if the same circumstances arise that caused it.
Or leave that til tomorrow!

my head is a muddle, what do I need to ask him to do now he has apologised?

No,
Sorry. The apology means very little long term.
That's what people who hit do.
A person capable of hitting a 3 year old, twice, has issues - generally of low self esteem, often mixed with other things. He will 'feel bad' and apologise. But apologising does not mean it will not happen again. For it to stop your husband needs therapy or a huge life change to make him feel capable of parenting without hitting. I would seriously recommend Relate or getting counselling through his GP. The likelihood of this just stopping is very remote.

I think you are at the beginning of a long road.
I am so glad your reaction prompted him to question what he has done.
None of us are perfect parents and if he is going to change his discipline style i hope you can do it together.
Well done on sticking to your guns though and i am sure your dh will be thanking you in time too.
Agree with others though tom i would discuss your moving forward strategy with your dc.

how about saying that you are serious about making this work so you are going to look into both of you talking to someone as to how to find a way forward. Perhaps they can provide some new alernative ideas that he can feel involved in creating and implementing rather than being given a "no hitting and play by my rules answer". Maybe leave it for tonight and say you would rather talk about it when things are calmer and you can talk rationally tomorrow but that it means a lot to you that he has apologised etc. You could always go and see someone yourself first to sound out whether you think he will listen to them or just shut down!

He definitely seems to have calmed down and is more rational now. I don't feel I have the strength to discuss it now. I feel emotionally wiped out.

I do agree it will need discussing again, to establish fully how we move ahead. I think we need to rethink our strategies for dealing with our dc's. Although, not bragging, but some of my strategies do work fine for ds, and I will continue with those.

needhelp09 thats fantastic news. a great first step ... now i would broach the differnt parenting aproches with your dh. he most likely will be willing to choose/learn another way if its a joint venture! if he refuses to attend parenting classes with you, perhaps you could find out some tips via the internet? or get him the toddlers survival guide?.

I used to find with dp that it helped to explain ds' development and why he behaved the way he did ie. he didn't understand, he was testing boundaries .. blah blah ...

drlove8 - sadly he doesn't like reading books. I think it's because english is his second language and he find reading hard. I will look at the internet, plus I will go to the parenting classes myself and show and discuss with dh the material.

I would not assume that you are all safe now even despite his apologies. The apparant peace may well be short lived as in this short space of time the issues have not been addressed at all.

I would thus think his apology will also be short lived sadly. This is twice now that he's lashed out, twice too many. Words are cheap, its actions that count. Will he now step up to the plate, I doubt it as he's told you your parenting theories are "crap".
He has not shown any real remorse for his actions nor taken any responsibility.

He's hit your DD as well?. You have not mentioned this previously.

He has to want to address the core reasons as to why he lashes out at the children in such a manner (this is likely because his own Dad did the same to him amongst other things). No-one but he can help him, you cannot make him seek help for his issues. He has to do that on his own.

You cannot save or rescue him but you can save your own self along with the children. He has to seek help on his own and to fully prove to you that he has become a changed person. That will take much time if he ever succeeds and he needs to do that without you all in his day to day life. You must at the very least show him that there are indeed consequences for his actions.

bodiddly - I explained to dh that ds does not think like an adult and his development means his thinking is immature. I don't think dh get's this and thinks he is out to get us and disrespects on purpose.

you could phone nspcc helpline for free independent advice from child protection perspective.... dont have to give your name if you dont want to....0808 800 5000

you could phone ss and have a "what if" conversation.... ask what their advice would be IF this was happening.... done have to give you details.

if you speak with police / hv they will almost certasinly make a referral to ss (which you may decide is the right thing to do)

i can see that you are rightly concerned for your dcs and struggling to do the right thing despite the extremely disappointing responses of your own family .... BUT if you let this go on and then report to ss after it happens again... or a few more times.... or your h causes serious injuries which mean medical attention.... and it THEN comes to attention of ss they will likely view you as a mother who has failed to prioritise dcs interests and axcted to safeguard them. you are on complete notice. h has physically (and emotionally) abused your ds. not a "one off". he has caused injury..... if you do nothing in the face of his stated denials of regret agreement that this can never happen again you are complicit.

i know that sounds harsh but it is true. would ss views that this is wholly unacceptable be taken seriously by h / your family?? if so that may make it worth involving them / if not you really have nothing to lose. please dont let this carry on. good luck.

am going to sign off now as need to sleep and get my head in order for tomorrow.

Thank you so so much for getting me through these past couple of days, you have been a tremendous support and I'm truly touched by your kindness

just caught up with your posts re apology. it's obviously better than denail of wrongdoing.... but i dont think it changes the underlying risks / issues....

He needs strategies for if situation arises, ask him what these might be - better than telling him. He doesn't sound the type to go to counselling, but I don't think that means he won't keep his word - you know him better than us.

You both need strategies to ensure the situation doesn't arise e.g. clear boundaries for your son with clear consequences. Do your current strategies work? If they don't how can you get help? Can you remember anything your parents did that worked - apart from smacking you? Do you know anyone with good discipline you can speak to who could help? What about couples you both may be friends with?

AttilaTheMeerkat - no sorry should make clear he has never hit dd, nor will he EVER!

It's a huge deal that he apologised. See how it goes. Try not to jump ahead planning to leave if he does it again etc. as it's no way to improve a marriage! He's seen now that you wont allow anyone to hurt your boy - even him.

Genuine question - if you kick out a violent partner but don't call police or ss, how do you prevent them having unsupervised visits?? Surely you'd be more worried if you weren't there? I am in no way advocating this as a reason to stay with a violent partner, but I've always wondered about this.

I'm glad he's apologised which shows some respect for you and dcs.
When you're inexperienced with los ,once they can talk it can seem as if they are v adult and he appears to be treating ds as an equal adversary who is misbehaving on purpose,and your dh is trying to show him he is stronger than your ds.
That is understandable to a degree altho obviously completely wrong,and he needs to understand and learn quickly proper parenting and establish a relationship of trust and tolerance with the dcs,while dealing with behaviour issues in a modern positive style.

Good luck and take carexx

Just caught up with this and wanted to pass on my support, you are totally justified don't ever lose faith in your beliefs.

Hope you get some good sleep tonight, take care

Have followed this post from beginning.Ihave to say, i agree with above posts, as do not think things are resolved at all. Many men who abuse their partners,apologise afterwards and promise never to lift their hands again, then go on to seriously injure or kill said partner. Dont mean to sound over dramatic, but am trying to make point.If someones beliefs and behaviour are deeply engrained-as in your h case, then unless there is outside intervention to change that behaviour,it most probably WONT change.It cannot come from you-i and several others have said that-so even if you are adamant that you wont tolerate such a thing happening again-unless he has gone to counselling,anger management etc it will happen again, cos there is no strategy in place to change the behaviour. You said earlier he doesnt understand your ds behaviour and takes it personally and as disrespect. Without intervention, how will that perception change? So, when ds disrepects(in your h eyes),with what is normal toddler behaviour, that will produce in him same response-anger.I am not saying your marriage needs to end, but you DO need to seperate while he works on what are HIS issues. You say your dc will be heartbroken if he is not there-they are very young, and will adapt-you need to keep your ds safe(agree with earlier-you are on warning).Could you honestly feel comfortable and leave ds with h while you went shopping, or saw a friend, just cos your h has apologised and says it wont happen again? I, like previous posters wonder what has gone on when your son has been left with h prior to these events.(part of me wants to acknowledge that he did apologise, but i am not certain it is sincere).Lastly, look back to the top of this page(10)-at 21.38, you wrote, will have to sign off if dh comes over-at 21.42, you said he had apologised-FOUR minutes.How can something so big, be apologised and discussed in 4 minutes, and that is why i think he is saying what you want to hear, not that he truly means it. And that is why i am still concerned for your ds.I am sure as a loving mother you will consider all options, but your biggest priority and consideration is to create safe environment for your dc. Good luck.

some people just dont get it

i think he gets it now

if he did it again - he would have to get gone

and i think he should be made very aware of this.

i understand the feeling of utter rage - yes - rage at a small person.

this doesn[t excuse his actions, but i think a sensible approach would be to say - ok you now accept this isnt an acceptable form of parenting - i will believe that you understand this if you understand that another incident means that the relationship is over and i will call the police and i will press charges.

I think kaballie, Attila and BigPants are spelling it out for you: your H didn't hit your boy to discipline him and in a rational manner (if there is anything as a rational manner when hitting a small child ) but he hit him in a red rage when your 3 year old was being wiful and defiant. The excuses reasons for hitting his son are very null and void because he as an adult felt challenged by a small child and could not assert himself through firm but loving words but had to hit the little one's FACE!!! This in my opinion is outrageous and a simple "Oh, I'm sorry...it'll never happen again...blah..." is absolutely not enough because your H has clearly been emotionally scarred by what happened to him.

I was beaten as a child and I always said I'd smack my child but now that I am a mother I could never hurt my daughter and luckily I have a husband who has never been hit and is a very calm but firm Daddy and shows me the way. When I feel anger rising I step away from it all, take a breather and remindmyself that I am an adult and she is a child and I know better than to make a rash decision that would influence her negatively.

*BigPants said it so well so I'm quoting her:

""You say your dc will be heartbroken if he is not there-they are very young, and will adapt-you need to keep your ds safe(agree with earlier-you are on warning).Could you honestly feel comfortable and leave ds with h while you went shopping, or saw a friend, just cos your h has apologised and says it wont happen again?

I, like previous posters wonder what has gone on when your son has been left with h prior to these events.(part of me wants to acknowledge that he did apologise, but i am not certain it is sincere).

Lastly, look back to the top of this page(10)-at 21.38, you wrote, will have to sign off if dh comes over-at 21.42, you said he had apologised-FOUR minutes.How can something so big, be apologised and discussed in 4 minutes, and that is why i think he is saying what you want to hear, not that he truly means it. ""

Yes, sorry I forgot to add, your H is a product of his own environment and scarred by his past and the violence shown towards him. That does not excuse his behaviour towards his little son and you will need a whole lot more than a meek apology to unlearn and change his behaviour. Esp. as the hit wasn't a disciplinary issue but seemed to be given in rage to show your ds who the Daddy is and subdue him by using violence and fear.