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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

should I report my dh?

281 replies

needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 20:21

I'm looking for some advice. I have a 3 year old ds is who is often willfully defiant and this drives my dh completely mad, so much so that he loses his temper and hits out at my ds.

An incident occurred today when ds was on the naughty step and would not sit down. Dh insisted he sat down as part of the punishment and then when he wouldn't, struck ds across of the face! He left a red mark.

I don't really know what to do next. Should I have called the police? I am afraid to involve ss, because I have heard they can do more harm than good. I'm worried they may think I am over reacting.

I told dh that hitting the face is assault and is extremely serious and could end him up in alot of trouble. He doesn't seem to care. We are not talking at the moment, because I feel furious and betrayed by him for hurting our precious ds. I don't know how he could do it. I could never hit ds, no matter how angry I was, and would always walk away from any situation before it got that far. I feel I have let ds down, by not protecting him when he needed me.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 23/02/2009 18:15

Hi need help I live in Brighton If you need anything don't hesitate i am a good listener and don't generally wear a top hat and sparkly boots This all sounds horrendous x

DottyDot · 23/02/2009 18:16

hi needhelp- I've only scanned through your thread but it sounds like you're gathering the courage to take action on this one. I can't help thinking about one of your posts where you say you would never let a man hit you - that that would be unacceptable to you.

Quite right - and surely it's therefore equally unacceptable for someone to hit your child?

Please try and keep talking to people about this and ask your dh to leave for a while - if nothing else it will show him how serious you are about this never happening again. If he can't take this seriously, it's an indicator that maybe a more permanent separation is what's called for.

spicemonster · 23/02/2009 18:39

I'm very cross at your mum's reaction. She's basically implying that it's your fault for not putting out more

What about friends? How do you feel about calling SS as WA suggested?

Fizzfiend · 23/02/2009 18:43

This is so not acceptable. I will never forget the day my father whacked me round the head when I was around 15. I have never been so shocked or horrified or betrayed. I can't imagine how a 3 year old must feel. He has to stop this, but don't involve police yet...it could end in a horrible place.

Nabster · 23/02/2009 18:47

whereabouts are you, needhelp09?

Niftyblue · 23/02/2009 18:47

Am so sorry can`t believe your mums reaction

So if either of you get hit by him its o.k cos he is`nt getting it WTF

Somehow don`t see the law seeing it that way

Please keep posting I know he is home soon

flibertyplus2 · 23/02/2009 18:47

I don't see how you have any choice but to ask DH to leave your home.

I think taking DS elsewhere might make him think he has done something wrong instead of your DH. You have to show him that you are on his side and that DH is in the wrong. If he won't leave you could call the police and ask them to remove him from your home. One of my friends had to do that a while ago and the police were great.

My instinct would be to change the locks and call the police but I know it's easy to say that and I might feel differently in your shoes. When I think about your DS saying he is upset about Daddy, it makes me want to cry

I'm so sorry that your parents aren't supporting you. You should take up the offer of help from mumsnetters. You have to stop this now.

Helen31 · 23/02/2009 18:49

Oh needhelp, so sad about your mum's reaction. That is not what you needed. I am no expert, but if women's aid say to call in social services, I wonder if that is really the best thing for you to try next? You need somebody who will help you to do the right thing to protect your dc, and it doesn't seem that is forthcoming from your parents. I wish I could think of something more helpful. Sending you strong thoughts.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2009 18:54

"I told her I had gone to womens aid who had said to call in ss but she begged me not to get ss involved"

How dare she say that to you her own daughter. And as for her sexual frustration comment words fail me. Your Mum is just making excuses and a pathetic one at that for the inexcusable. And what about her grandchild, no mention of him in any of her conversation.

Sounds like she's more concerned about her perceived stigma/shame on her own family if you were to get Social Services involved. At the very least a separation between you and your H is required now. Your children certainly do not feel safe in his prescence.

mankymummy · 23/02/2009 18:56

needhelp i am in brighton too.

if you want to meet up to talk i would be more than happy to.

cashmeremafia · 23/02/2009 18:57

Oh god, OP, this is so unfair from your parents. The sort of shite mine would say. I feel so for you. Don't give up, you've had ver, very good guidance on here from Mums who've been there and stood up for their own flesh and blood. Remember: if you stand up to your H you'll always be a hero to your 2 dc who will love you with all their hearts for protecting them from further pain and abuse.

It sounds like your son is already learning to avoid and fear his father and his little dsis will grow up to live in her own shadow for fear of getting on the wrong side of Daddy. Please, please, be strong, no matter how good the charade is, that your H is keeping up, you know that red mist will descend again, maybe when you're not there to protect your dc and how will you feel then. And what will your excuse be when they grow up and look back on a childood filled with pain and a mother that never intervened. I know what I'm talking about. Please, for their sake, have a one way chat with your H. If it happens again or he lays a hand on you, he has to go.

He's done it once, he'll do it again, and again, until someone breaks.

mankymummy · 23/02/2009 19:07

cashmere, thats what i wanted to say but mine comes out too harsh...

"you'll be a hero to your dcs who will love you with all their hearts for protecting them from further pain and abuse".

that is it basically.

and you're right about until someone breaks... and most likely it will be a small child.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 23/02/2009 19:11

Been lurking since the beginning, but am so incensed at your mum's reaction I had to post. Bloody Hell!! . WTF? Do they not see that this behaviour is seriously out of order? And then to blame it on sexual frustration..... AAAAGH!

You sound as though you are gearing up to tell him to leave - GOOD ON YOU! Your priorities are your DC and it sounds as though you have yours completely in the right place.

Keep strong and keep talking - you're getting sound advice from mums who've been there...

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 23/02/2009 19:15

Unfortunately needtohelp it sounds like you have been brought up to believe that a Man is the Head of his Household and therefore whatever he does is right, which is why you are finding it hard to say to your DH'Pick on someone your own size, shithead, or I'll call the police.'
Keep in contact with WOmen's Aid, remember that this man does NOT have the right to control his family by intimidating or assaulting them, whatever rubbish your parents may come up with.

MollieO · 23/02/2009 19:26

Just caught up on this and your parents' attitude has left me speechless. How absolutely awful for you.

I think you need to get some legal advice and support pronto. My concern about you leaving the house you own is he may do all he can to stop you coming back and evicting him will take time and money. You should get an advice on obtaining a restraining order and exclusion order. Woman's aid should be able to put you in touch with a friendly solicitor.

morningsun · 23/02/2009 19:59

needhelp sorry your mum was unable to listen to you and support you.
This doesn't mean that she's right because more important than your dhs welfare is your ds .People find it difficult to cope with unpleasant things in the family and they try to play it down in the hope it will pass.
You need to tell your dh tonight how utterly shocked you were by his aggressive behaviour and say it is never to happen again.If he was out of his depth and is terribly upset then say he must find out how to parent properly or the family will be split up.
If he says he has done nothing wrong and is angry or aggressive you need to speak to someone outside the family such as health visitor tomorrow and try to calmly ask your dh to leave.
If you feel he is being a bit threatening don't pursue it too much until tomorrow,or in an emergency situation of any kind call the police 999
This is horrid for you i'm so sorry

charmargot · 23/02/2009 20:16

You do need to take action on this, but beware of going too hell for leather.
I have a friend who often loses patience with his son and is useless at naughty stepping him as he gets too wound up. I know his partner says he'd like to hit, but he doesn't. I wouldn't be surprised if one day he did slap his son in the way you described and that would be awful, but I'd never suggest his partner leaves him as he's great in every other way. He just gets wound up and almost sees his sons behaviour as an attack on him.
I think they're OK as somehow the Mum has made it clear that smacking will not be tolerated so no matter how much the Dad feels like it he won't.
The day he does slap his son will be a horrid day, but by heavens the Mum will make him pay. I think that's what you need to do, make it clear the consequences if it ever happens again.
On another tack you do need to make sure your 3 year old has clear boundaries and sees his Mum and Dad as a united front.
Next time your bloke feels like giving anyone a slap send him to your Mum!!!!

blinks · 23/02/2009 20:17

your mother is obviously a coward.

Lilyloo · 23/02/2009 20:19

needhelp just seen this and am and for the complete lack of support you have from your mum.
You may not need to get ss involved if they would help you through this

Original poster
needhelp09 · 23/02/2009 20:23

We have had a chat. Did not go too well. I told him that it is completely unacceptable for hitting a child in the face. I said I wanted to say he was truly sorry and would NEVER EVER harm our children again. He says he doesn't believe in my form of discipline (too lax) and he was brought up with a belt, and was also slapped on the face and bottom as a child, and thinks he has turned out ok.

I said that it has obviously damaged him emotionally for him to think it is ok to continue on this cycle of abuse. DH says that I making him out to be a monster and blaming for everything and then he gets more defensive.

It is like getting blood out a stone when I try to talk to him. If he does talk he get angry and defensive. Tis bloody awful. He is not the husband I thought I had married. He doesn't seem to care about how I feel at all, and I feel like some kind of lunatic about my views, rather than the kind caring mother that I thought I was

I said that we are a team and should work together in the best interests of our children. He said he cannot make a compromise with me, because I am not willing to compromise on his method of discipline. I said I will NO WAY condone physical violence, full stop!! I cannot compromise on my core beliefs.

He said he will leave the discipline and care of the children to me. I find that totally unfair, as they are his children too and his responsibility as much as mine.

I haven't kicked him out yet, but I think it is coming soon!

OP posts:
reikizen · 23/02/2009 20:24

I've always said if my dp ever hit my children (which he would never actually do btw!)it would be the last thing he ever did do. I don't want to guilt trip you or oversimplify things but it is your job to protect your children isn't it? Sorry if that sounds harsh but I do feel strongly about violence towards children, especially within the family. It has such long lasting effects on children, and may lead to a cycle of violence.

blinks · 23/02/2009 20:35

don't allow them (your husband and 'mother') to affect your thinking here.

you need to stick to your guns and not back down.

i was in a similar position recently within my family and the outcome was that i no longer see my mother which was a horrible decision to make but my children come first and that's the bottom line.

you are a far better parent than your own or your husband. i am so pleased you're not taking the 'easy route' and sticking your head in the sand.

remember- actions speak louder than words.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 23/02/2009 20:36

He has just left the flat with the car keys. No idea where he has gone or if he is coming back.

He is acting v weirdly and I am quite worried now.

OP posts:
Nabster · 23/02/2009 20:36

I am a b it confused. He says he doesn't believe in discipline but thinks it is okay to hit a child?

blinks · 23/02/2009 20:39

could you get someone to come over?

what are you worried he might do?

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