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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

should I report my dh?

281 replies

needhelp09 · 22/02/2009 20:21

I'm looking for some advice. I have a 3 year old ds is who is often willfully defiant and this drives my dh completely mad, so much so that he loses his temper and hits out at my ds.

An incident occurred today when ds was on the naughty step and would not sit down. Dh insisted he sat down as part of the punishment and then when he wouldn't, struck ds across of the face! He left a red mark.

I don't really know what to do next. Should I have called the police? I am afraid to involve ss, because I have heard they can do more harm than good. I'm worried they may think I am over reacting.

I told dh that hitting the face is assault and is extremely serious and could end him up in alot of trouble. He doesn't seem to care. We are not talking at the moment, because I feel furious and betrayed by him for hurting our precious ds. I don't know how he could do it. I could never hit ds, no matter how angry I was, and would always walk away from any situation before it got that far. I feel I have let ds down, by not protecting him when he needed me.

OP posts:
ElfOnTheTopShelf · 23/02/2009 20:39

there are plenty of ways to dicipline a child without hitting them and your dh has to understand this. He cannot wash his hands of diciplining the children, but it must be a way you both agree with, be it time-out or reward charts or another method, anything but physical violence

Desiderata · 23/02/2009 20:40

It is totally unacceptable to hit a child in the face.

I don't know what to suggest, but I wouldn't be happy if I caught my dh doing that.

Not that he would, never in a month of Sundays.

Whilst you're at it though, ditch the naughty step, too. What three year old kid needs that?

He's not old enough to understand what naughtiness is. You just play firm, explain, and then ignore it.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 23/02/2009 20:41

I find it so desperately sad that he doesn't think he has done anything wrong and is in no way remorseful or willing to compromise in the interests of his family. Surely he can't love his family if that is the way he acts?

I'm thinking perhaps he is looking for a way out from the marriage and he knows this is the one way to push me away. He sure is succeeding.

The dc's love their father so much, they are going to heartbroken if he leaves for good.

OP posts:
ElfOnTheTopShelf · 23/02/2009 20:41

sorry, x post.
do you have any cash on you? could you get a taxi somewhere?

Original poster
needhelp09 · 23/02/2009 20:43

Nabster - He does believe in discipline of the firm, hurting variety. He says he thinks it acceptable to smack a child's face. tosser!

OP posts:
Nabster · 23/02/2009 20:45

then you know what needs to be done

Original poster
needhelp09 · 23/02/2009 20:45

ElfOnTheTopShelf - not a rude question, but why do I need to get a taxi? The dc's are in bed at the moment. I am not calling my parents as I have told them I will not discuss it with them from now on and will do this on my own because I think their attitude stinks, to be frank!

OP posts:
ElfOnTheTopShelf · 23/02/2009 20:47

just from your post of you feeling a bit worried now about his behaviour, just thought you might want to leave the house with the dc

Desiderata · 23/02/2009 20:48

Oh, ignore it, needhelp09.

Whenever there's a crisis, plenty of people will be quick to tell you to take a taxi to somewhere.

Where? No one knows

You stay put, kid. Explain to your dh that you find it unacceptable, and if he can't deal with it, then he gets the taxi.

Hopefully you can both work it out before it gets that far.

MrsMcCluskey · 23/02/2009 20:48

Am at your Mum's reaction.
Is yours an arranged marriage?
Are your parents concerned about their 'honour' if your marriage ends?

Original poster
needhelp09 · 23/02/2009 20:50

thanks desderata! made me .Certainly need some light relief from the mess at the moment.

OP posts:
mankymummy · 23/02/2009 20:50

needhelp... im in the same town you are, if you want to meet / need to talk let me know.

your parenting attitudes are right, he is wrong. dont forget that.

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 23/02/2009 20:53

I didn't mean it to open floods of "get out now" posts
Just you said you were worried about his behaviour and I wondered if you were able to leave with the kids for some breathing space, given that he's probably not going to go if he feels he has done nothing wrong.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 23/02/2009 20:54

MrsMcCluskey - no it is not an arranged marriage. My parents are old fashioned and will be worried about telling their friends, if this marriage fails. I think in dh's culture you are not allowed to divorce, not sure that would affect us, if it comes to it.

It has really upset me, as I thought my parents would stick up for us. Alas, no they seem more concerned about dh. Dad was telling me that it was unfair on dh as he has no family here to support him, wtf?! He doesn't deserve people to support him, if he thinks it's ok to treat his family like dirt.

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Original poster
needhelp09 · 23/02/2009 20:56

thanks mankymummy (nice name!) I don't how to contact you without giving my real details, which understandably I don't want to do on a public forum.

OP posts:
Lilyloo · 23/02/2009 20:56

needhelp could his reaction maybe him knowing he has taken it a step too far ? maybe he didnt expect your strong reaction ?

JumpingDizzy · 23/02/2009 20:57

your frustration right now must be unreal. I'm pissed off with your parents for you

Keep talking on here and to any rl friends who can help.

If he won't get any help for his aggression then you should seriously consider if you want to be with him?

Do you love him? Has the aggression come on gradually? You sound strong and aren't making excuses for him which is good.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 23/02/2009 20:59

Lilyloo - tough shit if he doesn't like my strong reaction. It is my instinct to protect my children and I have to listen to that.

Perhaps he will finally sit up and listen and realise I am not pushover that he can bully into his way of thinking.

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spicemonster · 23/02/2009 21:01

You go, girl. So he's gone out in the car. Now what? What are you going to do?

beansontoast · 23/02/2009 21:01

for the record i think what your dh did is wrong wrong wrong....but

it can be hard to unlearn behaviour like that.i was all for smacking children untill i

a)had it SPELLED OUT TO ME why it is so wrong (like him i thought 'my parents smacked me and im ok'...but im not...i think smacking ruins self esteem/instills fear etc etcetc!!)

b)had my own children.

He may not be able to see the wrongness of what he has done...god that sounds like i am sticking up for him,but i'm not really...

me and dp sometimes get into a thing whereby i think he is too strict so i get a bit soft and then he gets stricter cos he thinks i am too soft...and then we fall out about it,reset our parenting and start again.

(i havent read everysingle one of your posts im afraid)

charmargot · 23/02/2009 21:01

I consider myself lucky that discipline is left to me as I am very good at behaviour management. Been a teacher, from a large family and consider myself to have good empathy. It does mean there's little for my partner to do except back me up and luckily we do have the same beliefs so he does.
You appear totally at odds and need to compromise. If you are firm and have clear rules and guidelines then you never need to resort to violence.
If you are simply arguing "no violence" and he is arguing "didn't do me any harm" you will continue to be at odds. I'm sure he would agree that it would be best if he didn't feel the need to resort to violence, I bet he felt awful after slapping your son. The only way for this to happen is if you can sit with him and decide the boundaries for your children and the consequences if boundaries/rules are broken. Similarly you could talk about when your children are well behaved, why do they behave better at certain times, what happy things do you do together?
Slapping is definitely wrong, but I do think being too lax (I've no idea if you are) also leads to very negative effects on children and leads to a lack of respect for parents in same way as violence does.
I'm writing this assuming/hoping your husband is reasonable and will agree with no violence if an alternative works. I hope you can work it out.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 23/02/2009 21:02

Needhelp - if you want to contact Mankymummy you could set up a hotmail account in your chatname and post the details on here for her.

mankymummy · 23/02/2009 21:02

needhelp... you can email me -

[email protected]

LoneStranger · 23/02/2009 21:02

NeedHelp, so sorry things have degenerated in this warry. Im sorry that your parents were so spectacularly unsupportive and i am impressed at the way you have maintained your focus on the care of your DCs. (I know I would have been reduced into too many pieces to handle it with the strength and determination that you have).

MM said that youre parenting approach is right and his is wrong. I couldnt agree more. BUT the stalemate is that your DH thinks exactly the same; that HIS approach is right and YOURS wrong. What I was trying to say yesterday is that he needs to unlearn his toxic parenting, but to do that he needs to understand WHY. He'd need to be receptive to learning a more effective style of parenting generally, also managing conflict more generally, I think. Of course your parents attitude serves to collude with his overall negativity and may be dangerous for you. In that he will see that you have no refuse in your own parents and therefore validates his barbaric belief.

Can I ask if you told him what your DS said? How did he/would he react? I dont know your son, but my mind keeps playing that question over and over and its torturing me to think that your DH may not care enough to fix this.

Original poster
needhelp09 · 23/02/2009 21:03

JumpingDizzy - I asked dh to go to parenting classes and he said no, I don't believe in those stupid theories.

I offered suggestions of how to control his anger, such as walking away, counting to ten, punch a pillow. Anything but hurting a child. He just went silent, so I assume he doesn't agree.

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