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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH announced that he bored with our sex life trouble is what to do to spice it up!

176 replies

boringinbed · 12/04/2005 20:54

DH andI have always had what i thought was a good sex life however at the weekend he anounced that he found it boring and we should try new things. Trouble is not sure what to do now he's now clammed up and told me to forget about it but it obviously does bother him and i'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:
DeadorAlive · 04/05/2005 02:16

Just to add that I was with partner for 10 years and for majority of time I couldn't stand any sort of affection, hated sex with him (unless he caught me while asleep!) and "wouldn't talk about it".

I DID love dp but I couldn't show affection, in fact looking back I was a total bitch...but the point to AnonymousChap is I refused to talk about it because it was painful for me, by not talking about it meant I didn't have to face MY problems, and I really did KNOW they were my problems and I also knew I was going to destroy the relationship but I just couldn't do it. He was a saint. I just felt under so much pressure, backed into a corner and fought to get out rather than confront my own issues (and I have no 'history' to explain this btw, to my knowledge, but I did feel embarrased about losing control or showing feeling in front of him, would never let dp see my face etc.)

I also thought sex wasn't important in a relationship, or at least not as important as everything else put together. And, I would have died if he expected me to dress up or anything. But...I used to 'entertain' myself a fair bit!

Reading your posts I seriously wondered, for a weird few nanoseconds, whether you were my ex!

My dp finally plucked up the courage to leave and after nearly 2 years I have a totally different outlook on sex but now it's ME that can't have any with the guy I want to have sex with SOOOOO bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

motherofboys · 04/05/2005 16:38

So Deadoralive - is there anything your EX could have done to prevent it getting to the point where he had to leave??

DeadorAlive · 04/05/2005 21:19

He probably tried everything! It was me that had to face up to the problem - when we had our trial split I did seek advice from relate but I resented it, why should I have to allow something so intrusive to happen to 'my' body if I don't want it to!

If he had been happy to just go along forever, accepting I didn't like sex - with him at least - then that would have been fine...but as I now see this wasn't fine, absolutely not fine, and sometimes really horrible things have to happen for the good things to come through.

I have no great pearls of wisdom except to say that when ACs wife wont talk about it and says there's no problem, she might not be being as flippant and heartless as it sounds.

anonymouschap · 04/05/2005 22:26

i feel i should say thank you dora - that sounds, well, about right... i still don't know what to do, but that's the issue i suppose - there may be a problem for me, but there isn't for her - maybe i'm the one who needs help, something in my tea, or whatever.

Easy · 05/05/2005 09:09

AC

Are you actually READING what is written here?

Everything that has been said over the last ten posts or so is trying to tell you that we think your wife DOES have a problem (which is your problem too), and that this will never resolve for you unless you try to find out what that problem is.

blimey love, read these thru again and THINK!

Dior · 05/05/2005 18:30

Message withdrawn

anonymouschap · 06/05/2005 14:03

At the risk of winding you all up, we're past the point of trying to talk, she won't, it's as if she can't, and it's easier for her to say "there is no problem" - that's what i can't get past - talking makes things worse.

Someone told me a similar story - a different aspect of their relationship - and likened it to having an elephant in the living room which both she and her husband ignored - they'd quietly clear away the elephant poo, but never actually turn to each other and say "you know, we really should do something about this elephant".

MY problem, is that she says "what elephant, i can't see any elephant".

HappyDaddy · 06/05/2005 14:12

So you need to decide what you are going to do about it. Maybe making that decision will be like turning the light on and her seeing the elephant for the first time.
if that makes any sense.

lynny70 · 06/05/2005 14:18

Message deleted

lou33 · 06/05/2005 14:40

If she refuses to talk , then tbh i can't see what hope there is.

Maybe she wants you to leave, and is behaving like this so you do?

robin3 · 06/05/2005 15:34

AC...this is a really really tricky one. If you leave you leave your kids...if you don't you're expected to endure.

I think you're going to have to do something pretty drastic and hope it makes her recognise she has a problem because you have a problem.

What though?????? Maybe, as has already been suggested today on mnet, write a letter to her and tell her how miserable you are and that you can't continue on in this way but asking that she suggest what to do next.

Maybe you could show her this thread so she could read that the women on it feel she needs help...never great to admit you've been discussing problems with others though.

Sorry for lack of inspiration.

FatFluckerFio · 06/05/2005 15:38

I would be her some glasses anonymouschap as she obviously needs her eyes testing

anonymouschap · 06/05/2005 15:54

is that an elephant joke FFF?

I did write a letter, she used the back of it as a shopping list. In a sitcome, that would be funny.

robin3 · 06/05/2005 16:06

And didn't even open it or just didn't say anything?
That's really horrifying and I all I can say is only you can decide when enough is enough.

sunchowder · 06/05/2005 16:17

I hope boringinbed is doing better now! AC you sure have received alot of advice on here, but it seems that you are paralyzed and can't see your way to other options. I believe you will need to seek counseling, go for osteo-cranio therapy, possibly go on holidaywhatever it takes to shake you off your position so that you can even absorb the possiblity of other options or "possibilities". Once you can shift, change your outlook, change the way that you are operating, etc.you might see a change in your DW. My advice is to work on yourself for now and see what starts to fall in place within your marriage. Hopefully you can enroll your DW to come with you at some point--but addressing your underlying issues would be a great start. I would not even begin to assume what those issues are...you will need some help in understanding what they are for yourself. You will have to take ownership/responsibility for your part in all of this which is always tough when you can't see how you "created" it so to speak. This is about more than just making love and you must realize that for yourself. All the best.

anonymouschap · 09/05/2005 08:19

i really don't think i have any underlying issues - i'm lonely, and frightened, but i think i've got good reason to be - not least because i don't beleive anymore that she doesn't crave intimacy per se, just not with me

lynny70 · 09/05/2005 08:48

Message deleted

HappyDaddy · 09/05/2005 09:05

Have any of the supportive comments on here, convinced you that you need to do something? Even if just for yourself and to help your self confidence?

crunchie · 09/05/2005 09:56

Reading this thread is so sad AC I really feel for you, and I am trying hard to find something to say that may help. Failing miserably though. However this thread has helped me. I have been so 'off' sex for ages - about a year. Ok we've still done the deed about once every month or two, but totally becasue dh wants to and when I have run out of excuses. Reading this thread and Lynne story rings a faint bell, as does the simple fact that I have got out of the habit Basically I used to be far higher sexed than dh, I used to try everything, swing from chandeliers etc. Then when I met dh, he was slightly less 'experienced' so I guess I put all that away and settled for the OK sex life, because I loved the man. He was never the 'best' I'd ever had. But instead of trying to make him, I felt embarassed that I was the slut and so I tried to put that all behind me. I basically turned myself off. Over time our sex life has dwindled to next to nothing, the problam is mine and I do realise this (something ac your dw probably does know but after 6 years of denial....). Unfortuneatly dh thinks I don't fancy/love him anymore When I do, really do. But as Lynn says perhaps I need him to put it on the line, be more forceful, be a man and not 'force' himself upon me but......

Anyway we have started trying to be a bit more adventurous, he is planning to buy me a vibraator - not sure if it will be a rabbit - but it is a good start, and funnily enough I fancy him a bit more now

Sorry to bore here, but I have got so much from reading this thread and I can feel your pain ac. I do think you should get councelling for yourself, it may help you find a wy to confront her and more on, or at least it may help you realsie that you have needs to and you have to start putting them first for a change

Good Luck

anonymouschap · 09/05/2005 11:08

am i ok?

no, it's not a silly question, it's an excellent question, not least because i dn't know the answer.

some days i feel ok, i feel it's all worthwhile, i'm being ridiculous, i'm seeing things that aren't there, and hey, i should be grateful, and at other times i feel sick in the pit of my stomach, and lonely, and the most ridiculous things make me want to cry.

lynny70 · 09/05/2005 14:50

Message deleted

lynny70 · 09/05/2005 14:56

Message deleted

HappyDaddy · 09/05/2005 17:02

AC, I'm sorry that none of my comments have helped. I hope you find some solution to your troubles.

motherofboys · 10/05/2005 16:25

Ditto AC -sorry my comments haven't helped. Glad Crunchie got something out of it though - enjoy your toy!!
AC - what would happen if you went on holiday without DW? Maybe take DS somewhere?

nooka · 10/05/2005 21:14

Hi AC,
I'm a new MNetter, but reading this thread made me think about some issues in my own life. I've always felt a bit ambivilent about sex (too much nice girls don't do that sort of thing from my mum), and felt some of the "why should I if I don't enjoy it" too. Dh sex drive rather higher than mine for a while, and mine really went down with two babies in 16months +breast feeding, lack of sleep etc. What I found I did was completely reject any physical intimacy, just in case it turned sexual and I had to say no, leading to unpleasant atmostphere. Then that meant he was sad and I felt guilty, leading to more avoidance of intimacy. Every now and then when I felt up for it I would pretty much seduce him, which I think made him feel a bit used.

All in all not good. We didn't talk about it for probably a year after dd was born, and it seriously damaged our relationship. We did the avoid accidental touching too.

Do you think your dw would be ok with a hug if you said that would be enough for you for now and there would be no pressure for anything more? I know it might not be, but in some ways I think hugs are more important than sex.

Do try councelling - even if it's just to have someone occasionally to really listen to you - I found it enormously helpful, and after my dh saw that I was feeling better about myself he did tentatively say he'd think about it too (nothing has happened yet, but you never know).

It is possible to live without sex (my parent have been celebate for years), but I don't think it's survivable in the long term to live without feeling cared for.

I'm sure you both would really like things to be different. Good luck!