DH announced that he bored with our sex life trouble is what to do to spice it up!

[boringinbed]

DH andI have always had what i thought was a good sex life however at the weekend he anounced that he found it boring and we should try new things. Trouble is not sure what to do now he's now clammed up and told me to forget about it but it obviously does bother him and i'm not sure what to do.

[fuzzywuzzy]

I think you do need to sit down and speak to your dw about it...I don't thik she can be delighted with the situation as it is. Surely it feels lke sometime somthing is going to give...Of course it bothers you it must bother your dw too???
Could you try and broach the subject in a non-accusatory manner??
Does she ever tell you she loves you do you ever?? (tell me to go away if I'm getting too personal, sorry).

[shimmy21]

Was about to start a thread of my own when I saw this. Tell me to get lost if I'm hijacking. My dh and I rowed this morning because I didn't want sex last night. He wants it 4 or 5 times a week I want it 1 or 2 times a fortnight. I feel 'to hell with him -why should I pretend to want it when I don't? We don't live in the dark ages of marital 'duties' do we?' He feels ' she constantly rejects me. Once a week is not enough. She should make more effort.'

So do I lie back and think of England for the sake of marital harmony or does he have to grin and bear it? Just don't know who's right here.

[anonymouschap]

That's the thing, it doesn't bother her, at all, except that she won't talk about it, and i feel guilty - Shimmy's point is spot on, why should i expect anything, if she says it doesn't mean anything, then aren't i being a nasty selfish cavemen in considering it a part of our relationship?

I do tell her i love her, but she doesn't seem too bothered by that, and so when she says she loves me, which is less and less often, and i'm frankly beginning not to bother, i'm not inclined to beleive it's anything more than something she says automatically rather than thoughtfully

[shimmy21]

My dh's reasoning ( and it seems most other blokes too) is 'if you don't do it then obviously you don't love me'
But for me love and sex just aren't the same thing.
As anonymouschap says is there any point in 'duty sex'? Am I right that most blokes would prefer dutysex to nosex???

[Lonelymum]

Shimmy, I am in a similar situation to you in that my dh wants to make love more often than I do. We have lived with that for years and I can't say it ever gets to us rowing about it, but I know it is there in his mind all the time: the fact that he wants more. I can't do sex for sex's sake IYSWIM. There has to be a loving atmosphere, a build up that might take even days to achieve, as well as the physical desire. I do ponder what you are asking too: should I just lie back and think of England for the sake of clocking up some sex for dh? I don't know the answer. It seems wrong because it should be all about making love not just having sex, shouldn't it?

[HappyDaddy]

Personally, I'd hate to think my dw was having sex that she didn't want. I'd rather have no sex but then I respect my dw.

[anonymouschap]

i didn't realise i'd given the impression that i didn't respect my dw, and if that is the case, i hadn't realised - maybe that's the problem

[HappyDaddy]

I wasn't implying that you didn't respect her, anonymouschap. A lot of men don't care if their partner enjoys sex as long as they get it, you clearly aren't in that category.
You do sound very down, though, which can't help either of you. Have you thought about getting some counselling for yourself, if not both of you?

[anonymouschap]

can counselling work for one person? She wouldn't be interested as she doesn't have a problem, i do.

If all i'm going to try to do is "not care" about the distance between us, i might as well just spend the money of cheap wine

[HappyDaddy]

Counselling for you would help you get to the bottom of your feelings, mate. It definately sounds, to me anyway, that you have some real confidence issues that could be addressed through counselling.
Wine ain't the answer, it will just make things worse.

[anonymouschap]

I know what my issues are, i miss the woman i love. No counselling will put that right.

You're probably right about the wine, but heroin is sooooooo expensive these days**joke, obviously

[Caligula]

AC, if one partner in a relationship has a problem, then both partners have a problem.

That's what partnership means.

[Branster]

you can just enroll yourself for some counselling sessions, let DW know where you're going and maybe that will be the start of a discussion AC.
She might want to join you.

BTW, do not show her your other threads.

[HappyDaddy]

It may not put it right but it may help you come to terms with it and help you make decisions for your future. It can't be good for you, living like this.

[anonymouschap]

I feel like a 3 year old, but i don't WANT to come to terms with anything, in fact all i want right now is a hug.It sounds pathetic, i'm sure, but i see happy people all over the place, holding each other, and saying nice things to each other, and then i get home, and even our child wonders why we don't touch each other

[ggglimpopo]

Message withdrawn

[Lonelymum]

You deserve better than this AC. I am sorry to say it, but that is all I can feel about your situation. You definitely should do sme actively to sort your situation out. If you carry on as you are, you will end your life a sad and wasted man. Either go for counselling - so what if it makes no difference? - at least you will have tried something; or tell your wife you can't go on as you are and insist she gives you the comfort and love she promised you when she married you; or.....leave her and find someone else out there who can love you. There are thousands of women out there who would recognise your qualities and value them enough to want to love you.

This isn't a practice for some other life you know. This is it. Either do something about it now or waste your life.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you have to take respnsibility for your life as some point.

[HappyDaddy]

Sorry AC but I agree with Lonelymum

[StuartC]

Well said LM - we're only here once.
Life's not a rehearsal.

[Caligula]

Another vote for LM's point of view!

[lou33]

and another

[Branster]

agree with LM too

[Lonelymum]

Oooerr, thanks everyone for the support. Not sure poor old AC agrees with us though.

[Branster]

'course he does. he knows all of this himself

[anonymouschap]

well, i know what's ideal, yes, i know what i should do, i should be brave, true to myself, and so on, but i don't want to lose what little i have, the woman i love, and our child, even if it's just getting to occasionally see them smile - i don't think i make her unhappy, i just don't make her happy.

so, do i rock the boat, and probably lose a little, and maybe maybe maybe just possibly gain a lot?

no, of course i don't, feel free to berate me for that