DH announced that he bored with our sex life trouble is what to do to spice it up!

[boringinbed]

DH andI have always had what i thought was a good sex life however at the weekend he anounced that he found it boring and we should try new things. Trouble is not sure what to do now he's now clammed up and told me to forget about it but it obviously does bother him and i'm not sure what to do.

[Branster]

AC as you know the decision lies with you as to what is to be done.
so far we haven't established what DW thinks about all this. she might be feeling exactly like you. she might be feeling exactly like you think she is feeling.
until you prode, you'll never know.
you are great dad and husband and it sounds like dw is a really, really nice lady and you both have a very special child. you two need to re-connect maybe?
is she having an affaire by any chance?

[Caligula]

AC the problem with your current way of life is that by doing nothing, you may actually precipitate what you most fear - the final break up of your relationship.

What happens if your DW meets someone new who she decides to leave you for? What if she decides she can no longer live like this?

In that eventuality, you'll lose her anyway; but you are less likely to lose her if you've fought for her first. And then you'll kick yourself for not having done something to avoid losing her.

Of course it's your choice and your life, and you know your DW better than any of us, but in your situation, I would say that generally, it's actually more dangerous to do nothing than to try to change things.

[motherofboys]

Only just found this thread as I am new to MN. Firstly I hope that Boringinbed has found a new level of joy with her DH?
Secondly, Shimmy21 I hope you have found some help from reading what is going on here but i would like to add that you shouldn't think of sex as something different to love - just enjoy each other!
And AC - you do need to do something - your DW may just leave and then you will have a lifetime of regrets ?

[anonymouschap]

"is she having an affaire by any chance? "

I've wondered about that, and decided i really don't want to know.

if i confront her i'll lose her- i can understand what you're saying, and you may well be right, but i'm a hanger on - probably a bad thing, but i don't know what to change - i suppose if she's happier without me, i should let her go. i don't want to.

[Branster]

AC, if she's having an affaier you've already lost her and will never ever get her back.
work on the assumption she has not got somebody else and rectify the situation together so there's no chance of her going anywhere else but spend an harmonious future with you, making you happy and you making her happy.

[anonymouschap]

Bran, can we discuss your spelling instead?

[Caligula]

AC, what about if you don't confront her you'll lose her?

[anonymouschap]

i don't know that, i don't know anything, except i love her, everything i do is for her (ok, and our son, he's my best friend) and i don't do "risk" - things are bad, i only seem to make them worse, so i'm inclined not to do anything

[Branster]

cheers AC!

[Caligula]

But you're doing risk by not addressing your unhappiness (and possibly hers).

But I'll stop nagging you now, you obviously have your own way of coping with this.

[Heathcliffscathy]

just to reiterate ac: do you honestly think that your wife is happy and fulfilled with this situation...maybe she is waiting for you to risk something...to fight for a real intimacy in both of your lives.

i agree with lonelymums post. i also agree with caligula...not rocking they boat may not save it.

[motherofboys]

AC - do you and DW talk about anything? Could you not try general conversations about couples based on TV or something - find out how she feels without talking directly about the two of you?

[anonymouschap]

i don't know soph - she refuses to talk about, well, anything like this, just insists that there is nothing wrong in a way that pretty much says it isn't, but there pretty quickly comes a point at which i don't dare push my luck - and so i haven't even tried for maybe a year. I've spent the weekend thinking over the affair theory, which isn't a new suspicion, but while it seems obvious in some ways, there's no "evidence" or "opportunity" if, i suppose plenty of motive.

[motherofboys]

"don't dare push my luck" - what are you afraid of AC? You need to find a way to tell her there is something wrong as you are not happy

[HappyDaddy]

If you don't push your luck you will stay miserable. What's the worst that can happen? If you split up you'll be miserable for far less time than if you leave this unresolved.

[anonymouschap]

The worst that can happen is we split up, and i don't want that for any reason - she's the love of my life, it took a long time to find her, and i'd rather an uneasy peace that nothing at all.If i thought i was making her unhappy, maybe that would be different, but i don; think i am, she's not bothered either way

[HappyDaddy]

Yes but YOU are miserable. If you're happy to stay like that then you already have the answer to your question. Do nothing.

[motherofboys]

why would you split up just because you talk to her? Seems a bit drastic to leave someone because they want to improve life - surely your DW is not that daft?

[Easy]

But AC, it's no good just letting it go when she says there is "nothing wrong". Of course there is something wrong, even if it works like this for your wife (and I wouldn't believe it does), this is not a life for you.

To be honest I wonder if (oh dear, a bit cruel this, but here goes) she has any respect for you at all, as you allow her to treat you this way. Maybe she is just waiting for you to stand up for yourself, to ask for what you want out of your marriage. I feel that you are behaving like a doormat, and while you allow the situation to perpetuate, it will perpetuate.
I know you love her, but you can't live a whole life in a relationship where the love/respect/care is only one sided. There should be mutual love/respect/care. Thats what marriage is all about.

OK, we're all very different, but I couldn't live as you seem to be doing, and would be looking to move on. If you have so much love to give, then your love deserves to be given to someone who will reciprocate it.

Having said all that, I suspect that your problem is mainly one of a lack of communication. You need to force her to communicate with you about why you live together in this way.

But hey, it's your life. You just seem sooooooo unhappy.

[anonymouschap]

but what works for me, or rather what i miss, doesn't work for her - theres no motivation to change on her part, is there? i try not to think of it as anything other thsn trivial - we haven't even held hands in months, and if that was something she wanted or missed, it wouldn't exactly be difficult or embarrassing for her....

i'd be interestedd to know, honestly if there is anyone else, man or woman who can empathise with how she feels, maybe it would help me understand, because i don't know if her antipathy is about me or not. believe it or not i have some shreds of ego left

[lou33]

sorry but i think, from what i have read here, she treats you appallingly, and noone should have to live in such a way. It's cruel.

[lynny70]

Message deleted

[anonymouschap]

how is she being cruel? it's a preference, albeit one that makes us, in that sense, incompatible, if that'ss the word- surely i'd be the cruel one if i obliged her to behave otherwise? we don't really touch accidentally, we avoid that, but i'd like to hear the theory, unless it'sv"you smell"

[lynny70]

Message deleted

[anonymouschap]

not really, it just doesn't happem- sometimes when she's asleep she'll get close or dort of drape an arm over me, but within a few minutes she wakes up and wraps the sheets sround herself