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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

2 My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making s

293 replies

hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 02:13

what happened there??

OP posts:
Flightattendant27 · 21/02/2009 18:37

I was pretty much on OP's side throughout - t hen this morning seeing what transpired between OP and LL I was pretty shocked at the comments coming from OP - their sheer nastiness in the face of admittedly some terrier style yapping from LL - but LL was trying to ascertain the truth, making some valid points and generally being quite cheerful. OP was just horrible in the last few posts. That kind of turned me against OP - i'm not entirely sure why, it seemed out of 'character' and almost like someone cornered. It was vile.

Of course none of us knows but I am certainly not prepared to take the side of someone willing to use that kind of language - it didn't sound like they were upset, or offended - just caught out. Why have a go at LL if LL was wrong?

I don't understand it but those are my thoughts and I'll leave it be now. I'm sorry it turned out this way.

Jux · 21/02/2009 18:51

Well, having followed the whole thing from almost the beginning, I think the op dealt with a lot of fairly unnecessary accusations and quite nasty posts rather restrainedly. I can understand that she got thoroughly pissed off towards the end, she'd been under a lot of stress for 3 weeks, and had stood up to fairly sustained fire for quite a few hours. I would have been exhausted and quite possibly hysterical by the time some people really got into their stride. I suspect I would have got pretty nasty too in the end, and just wanted the nitpicking to stop. I have been known to tell my dh to f off under lesser circumstances than that.

I wish she had got on the phone to one of the agencies early on though, and turned to rl for help. And I am really really sorry that some people's old wounds were reopened and that the need for them to have done so has been made questionable.

I am giving HAW the benefit of the doubt. I hope she does better by her daughter - at least she said she would, so an important step has been taken. And she is more aware of the procedures which should be followed (thanks greatly to LL, in fact) and may be able to be a more effective advocate for her dd than she might have been otherwise.

Flightattendant27 · 21/02/2009 19:03

I understand what you're saying Jux and fair enough really. It's only a gut feeling I'm going on and it could be wrong. I respect your view

I know I'd have been a wreck as well after 14 hours straight of MNing (like that ever happens here) Not being flippant though of course she was in a state.
But the way it came across wasn't good - it wasn't the F off actually, it was the sneery attacks such as 'get a life, lonely' and 'smart arse' repeatedly. Someone who talks like that doesn't endear themself to me - but others may see it differently.

I notice she's not been back today, I do hope if the OP was genuine that she gained something from us all.

Jux · 21/02/2009 19:17

I know what you mean Flight, but I'd still rather give her the benefit of the doubt and try to bend backwards. Mind you, she didn't direct any of it at me, so it's easy for me to say.

I am almost ashamed to say, btw, that I don't know what I'd do in those circs myself. The thought of dh in prison "as a nonce" makes me want to vomit, but so does the idea he would do anything deserving of it; and I can't even think of dd being subjected to

I can't even finish the sentence.

Flightattendant27 · 21/02/2009 19:22

No I know, it's all just awful isn't it.

Perhaps best left now.

Flightattendant27 · 21/02/2009 19:23

Yo are kinder than me

dittany · 21/02/2009 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flightattendant27 · 21/02/2009 19:26

You might be right Dittany. I just don't know.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/02/2009 21:11

Oh god has Hurtandworried posted on another thread or been seen by another mumsnetter. I posted on the original thread but had tp leave early evening - sad but true, but thought about this woman and her daughter when I woke up this morning. Just read through the original thread and this one. Was she a troll. I do do hope not. This is quite upsetting actually.

scrooged · 21/02/2009 21:16

She's not come back GetOrfMoiLand.
Don't let it bother you, you can't do anything about it and you don't know this person. It is sad and I understand why you are upset but you have to distance yourself from threads that are upsetting or else you'll be a wreck.

sprogger · 21/02/2009 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PillicockSatOnPillicockHill · 21/02/2009 21:26

having recently been through the courts with an abuse case i agree that some of the stuff on here is tosh

also not nice some of the scenarios this could be (troll etc) BUT and its a big BUT if anyone can be helped by this then it is a good thing

MY biggest concern on here is that people GIVE A SHIT about the Mum/brothers etc

IME the victim in this case ( and ANY abuse case) has had a shitty shitty time being abused - then has to cope with lily livered fanily members bitching and moaning about how 'all THIS' affects them

as far as i am concerned they can get over themselves

LOOK AFTER YOUR LITTLE GIRL - however little or not she may be. Sod your own feelings

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/02/2009 21:27

Christ, though.

I do understand why she did not bother coming back. There were some pretty vicious comments flying around in the early hours.

Thanks Scrooged - yes I know it is absurd to be upset about it. But I imagine this stirred up a lot of emotion for quite a few mumsnetters. Very strange.

I am now going to concentrate on baby naming, what's for dinner and other inane trivia threads!

scrooged · 21/02/2009 21:30

I did tell her that she would get some hostile comments as her thread had hit a nerve with some, then she was hostile to someone back!

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/02/2009 21:30

Yes Pillicock (love your name btw) most of my posts were in the vein 'your daughter is the one who needs support, you are secondary' etc. God knows if it got through.

FWIW I don't believe she was a troll, just mixed up, and in the end probably pissed, it was in he middle of the night.

Oh bollocks to it I am not going to think about it any more, is futile.

PillicockSatOnPillicockHill · 21/02/2009 21:32
scrooged · 21/02/2009 21:34

I think I'll join you both if that's OK.

poshwellies · 21/02/2009 21:42

Pillock,I thought that,it was very much 'me me me'- I just didn't have the bollocks to say it outloud, so to speak.

Anyway, I hope whatever the outcome,someone found some sort of comfort or advice or gained some strength from the thread-I don't regret posting my experience of sexual abuse,but can understand how it could make some other survivors feel used.

Thoughts to them and to other survivors.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/02/2009 21:45

Have buggered off from this thread but notice that poshwellies had posted - PW I remember your post yesterday, I think it is very brave and kind of you to offer your help and tell the OP about your awful experiences. I do very much hope that this whole hread did not stir up loads of old emotion and upset you too much.

poshwellies · 21/02/2009 21:48

getorf-I'm fine ,thanks for asking though.I think I've been though too much therapy tbh-I have to stop myself from telling the postman that I'm a survivor of abuse

PillicockSatOnPillicockHill · 21/02/2009 21:53

poshwellies and (unmumsnet but) xx

warthog · 21/02/2009 21:54

well this thread leaves me with a sick feeling in my stomach, quite apart from the subject matter:

a) either she was a troll and that is distressing in that a lot of people invested quite a lot in helping her

b) she wasn't a troll and she has been rounded up and sent out of town unfairly, losing her sanctuary at a very difficult time.

horrible.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 21/02/2009 22:00

a serious ?

if you think an op is a troll and you make your suspicion known... and it is denied.... what can be the point of seeking to extract a "confession" by cross examining them on here?? how likely is it someone who is a troll is going to crack and say "ooh, you've tripped me up god and proper guv, it's a fair cop, i'll be off now".....?

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 21/02/2009 22:01

GOOD and proper even!

sandcastles · 22/02/2009 06:20

FA, of course the OP was/is cornered!

On one side she has her daughter accusing her step father of 10 years of abuse, on the other side she had her husband of ten years who wants her to believe his innocense. And her in the middle, confused, hurt & torn!

Then she finally thinks she has found a place for her to be able to get support & strength to be able to support her daughter and posters like LL corner her some more!

I agree that the op became aggressive towards the end, but I found LLs attempts to 'help' the OP get the facts staight very accusatory & full on. Yes, she was right to make sure the OP had all the facts, but she used the wrong manner & tone, imo.

I opened this thread, read the OP & actually thought 'when will the trolling shouting begin' took a while longer than I thought, but was there none the less!