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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My daughter has made allegations that my husband in abusing her, I can't find any support on the net. Please help!!!

1003 replies

hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 14:16

My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making sexual advances towards her. Please tell me where I can get some support around how this is making me feel. I can't find anywhere on the net for this kind of thing.

OP posts:
Molesworth · 20/02/2009 15:30

I don't understand how her statement can be allowed to stand and yet charges be dropped?

Are you sure she isn't talking about dropping charges for all the wrong reasons?

If he has abused her, then the charges should stand and as her mother I would be fully supporting her in allowing those charges to stand.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/02/2009 15:31

I understand you need support, but for the moment you have to put aside your feelings and focus on your daughter. You said 'I need support to support' back near the beginning of the thread and that is what people were trying to help you to do.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 15:32

Social services will still be involved and he still will not be allowed in the house or any contact with dd.
im sitting on the fence as you put it because until this moment happened i thought i had a damn good amrriage and a really good family life. this has totally blown our lives apart and i am struggling coming to terms with it all

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 20/02/2009 15:34

I can see the OPs point I think. There are 2 people she loves and trusts. One of whom is lying. It might the right thing to do to support and beleive her DD exclusively, but that doesn't make it any easier. How do you suddenly overturn years of loving and trusting someone, without a backward glance or without a moment of doubt? I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to do that

muffle · 20/02/2009 15:34

You need to ask yourself not why would she say this, but why would she lie? She has no motive to lie. Unless there's been a misunderstanding of some kind, the likelihood is this happened and she's been brave enough to tell someone. Quite possibly, it took all her courage, and now she is scared because the police/SS machine swinging into actions means she feels responsible and will feel it;s her fault if the family breaks up. She needs to feel that she has nothing to be ashamed of, it is not her fault and you will be a tower of strength and protect her. Of course, you need support for yourself to do that but try to see it from that angle. Think how much pressure is resting on her shoulders now.

Squirdle · 20/02/2009 15:35

I'm sorry, but I have just read your post about support for you! Your daughter is the one who needs support...not you! She is the important one here...not you mor your husband!

You sound like my mother when at 16 I told my parents that my grandfather (mothers father) had been sexually abusing me for 6 years. My mother received counselling for herself...I recieved no help whatsoever. Np support for me from them or anyone else. It was all 'Oh this is so hard for me to deal with' from my mother and my father didn't do anything for fear of upsetting my mother. As a result my relationship with my parents now is basically only a relationship because of my children. i don't trust them and haven't since that time.

SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 15:35

Her brothers are saying the witney/eastenders story line(dont watch itmyself) is where she has got it from. I dont agree with that myself

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 20/02/2009 15:35

Yes - think that you should continue to have this investigated. Surely your daughter as a minor needs an adult to agree to withdraw allegations or whatever.

I mean, if she drops the charges what happens next? Are social services involved? Where is your husband? Is he just going to come home?

I totally absolutely agree that this situation must be awful, and you do need help and support, but to be perfectly frank the most important person in all this is your daughter. And from what you are saying it seems that she needs a lot more support than she is getting.

Nabster · 20/02/2009 15:36

I am sorry but tough. This is not about what you want or thought you had.

Your daughter may have been assaulted by one of the people she trusted most and you seem to be not grasping the situation.

My mother did not believe me on another occasion when her partner tried it on and I will never forgive her for that. She knew I had been assaulted by someone else a few years previously.

I am sure you and some others will not like my post but I am 20 years down the line from your daughter and my God it hurts.

muffle · 20/02/2009 15:37

OK, so her brothers don't believe her??? Then she needs you even more. Tell her straight out: what has happened is not your fault, I 100% believe you and I am here for you every step of the way. Fall apart in private or on a friend, and be strong for her.

Nabster · 20/02/2009 15:37

if her brother's don't believe her why did they say they would kill him?

Bumbleybee · 20/02/2009 15:37

Hurtandworried, you are in an incredibly difficult situation, and whilst your primary responsibility is to support your daughter you will of course have all sorts of conflicting feelings, I am just not sure that here is the best place to air them, as I don't think you will get the opportunity to process what is going on for you, I would recommend somewhere more private, with someone who is there only to support you.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 15:37

I AM!!!! I just needed a bit of space for me too! And I needed to express my feelings to impartial people !

OP posts:
Squirdle · 20/02/2009 15:38

Nabster, I will never forgive my parents either. In fact this has made me very sad

Nabster · 20/02/2009 15:38

But to my mind you haven't expressed your feelings really. I also don't think you have read all the posts.

Molesworth · 20/02/2009 15:39

I am confused. You say that if he did do this, you and your sons will kill him. And yet you're willing to see the charges dropped?

Nabster · 20/02/2009 15:39

So sorry Squirdle.

My children will never have any contact with my mother and I commend you for being the bigger person in letting yours see their grand parents.

muffle · 20/02/2009 15:39

Hurtandworried, sorry if you are feeling berated now - people on here will give their opinions as well as their support! You will also meet many people who have been in your daughter's shoes, so feelings will run high.

Mum1369 · 20/02/2009 15:40

Have to agree with Bumbleybee.

dittany · 20/02/2009 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThreadieMair · 20/02/2009 15:41

Please don't be harsh to hurtandworried. She is in an incredibly difficult situation. It may well be that she is doing everything she possibly can for her daughter -- and that is why she has to retreat online to a forum she has never visited before to begin to think of her own needs for a while. No oe on MN knows much about her situation, so no one ought to judge her. Please be thoughtful.

Squirdle · 20/02/2009 15:42

Nabster, I have considered it, but at the end of the day, they do love their grandchildren. I will never leave them alone with them though. I don't blame them for the abuse at all, they didn't know, but at 16 they failed me big time. I've told them this too.

coolbeans · 20/02/2009 15:42

Hurt and worried, I think you would be better off speaking to
this specialist group, Women?s Aid, or the NSPCC.

It?s difficult to get across tone and meaning in posts and what you say, (as you will find out) is very much open to interpretation through the filter of other peoples? experiences.

In the meantime ? even though you are shocked and understandably don?t want to believe one way or the other,(because it is so unbelievable to you), there are a few things that you should keep in mind. The best way to help your daughter is to believe her and try to understand why she couldn't tell you about it earlier or at all. You need to allow her to have as much control as possible over the decisions which are made and keep her safe, protect her. That?s your most important role, now.

Talk to NAPAC - they have a telephone line open after 6pm for people in your situation. This is the phone number: 01697 331432

Catitainahatita · 20/02/2009 15:42

Hi hurtandworried. You are in a terrible situation and DO NEED lots of support in order for you to support your DD and get through this situation. I think you will find Mumsnet a good place for that, with the added advantage of anonimity that helps you be more honest without worrying about how people will react to you later.

I think your DD is in a difficult position. It must have been hard for her to tell. I was in a position very similar for many years and never could tell anyone. My mum would have been the last person in the world to whom I would have wanted to talk. Its a mess; your DD loves you and your DH (Dear Husband) and doesn't want to hurt you or cause trouble for you. She knows what is happening is wrong and wants it to stop, but she doesn't want you to suffer at all. Hence -I think, anyway- that she doesn't want to press charges.

I agree with the other people who have said that you must believe your DD unconditionally, however difficult it may be for you. Even if it all turns out to be mixed up and not quite true (which is unlikely; it would have been more likely if she had a difficult relationship with your DH and was looking to punish you/him. From what you say about her and you, this is not really a possibility).

You have a lot to get your head round at the moment. Its going to take time and lots of tears. I hope you can call Childline and talk to someone qualified. Later on it might be a good idea to see a family counsellor together/separately then you can come to terms with it all in your own time.

I'm sending you a big virtual hug and some chocolate; I hope things can be worked out.

AnnVan · 20/02/2009 15:42

I think this is a little harsh on the OP. I can understand why she is looking for some support. THis is a terrible stuation to be in, and I thnk OrmIrian has put it very well. Why should she not be looking for some support? YES her daughter is the victim, but that doesn't mean that the mother doesn't need support as well. I can fully understand why she is feeling confused and overwhelmed.
HAW - I don't have any advice really. I do think you need to be %100 supportive of your DD. Talk to her as much as possible, and see about counselling for both of you. Hope this helps.

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