My daughter has made allegations that my husband in abusing her, I can't find any support on the net. Please help!!!

[hurtandworried]

My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making sexual advances towards her. Please tell me where I can get some support around how this is making me feel. I can't find anywhere on the net for this kind of thing.

i wouldn't call that a small mercy tbh.in this situation there aren't any.

She has never lied about much really, but she is mixed up at the moment, first serious boyfriend, bereavement issues. Not making excuses, just searching for reasons!

Did she talk to you before going to the police?

Is there any possibility there could have been some massive misunderstanding? I'm assuming the police would have worked it out if so, and it would never have got this far, but I'm wondering if a clumsy gesture of affection or jokey comments could have been horribly misconstrued somehow..?

I feel for you all. Hurt and worried - you are in a terrible position and should seek help immediately. have you tried ringing childline- they accept calls from parents too.

I know someone who took the step fathers side - her daughter has never forgiven her and the step father left a few years later. Because it was never addressed properly at the time, no=one really knows the truth and it blighted that family for years and still does.

I think only a skilled person can advise you properly - sites like this can offer support.

I agree with kettle chip, it will be hard to come to realise that your h may not be who you thought he was and you will need help and support to as you will begin to doubt your judgement and so on. If he is the man you thought him to be, he will be terribly hurt initially but should want to address this the best way for your daughters sake.

my very best wishes for the difficult time ahead.

She disclosed to the school nurse who had to call in child protection

No Im not looking as to why she may have lied completely, but if she has it would certainly help to know why! She has always, on her own admission, adored him and even now says she really misses him and wants him home. her reactions just add to my total confusion

What a brave daughter you have, she must be pretty secure in your relationship to risk going to the police.
I think that you are absolutely right and that in order to support her you will need support yourself, if you can afford it I would ask your gp for recommendations or referrals to a psychotherapist.

So sorry to hear about this HAW. Have been through a similar situation and totally understand the difficulty regarding lack of support for the parents. Others have already given good suggestions (Childline, NSPCC, your GP). Just wanted to add a message of support really. Mumsnet is a great additional source of support. Good luck with getting through this x

And believe you me, if he IS guilty either I or my sons will kill him!!

Having been in a similar position to where your daughter is now the worst thing you can so is show any doubt at all.

If your husband is innocent and he loves you all, he will understand why you have to trust in what your daughter has said and investigate this.

Stop looking for reasons as to why she might be lying and start getting things in place to get through this.

She will live with this forever and how you handle things now will go a long way to how she gets through this.

hurtandworried - I had a schoolfriend who was abused by her stepfather, who finally told someone when we were 14.

Everybody thought he was a lovely, funny, caring man and couldn't understand why she didn't like him (different in your case).

It was hard for everybody, but the fact that her Mum stood behind her every step of the way made it so much bearable for her.

Hurtandworried,

So sorry for what you are going through it must be a nightmare. For what it is worth I was abused by my father at around the same age as your daughter, I kept it a secret for many years which was not a good thing. However, incest is different to being abused by someone outside of close family because of the conflicting feelings - loving the father and hating the abuseand. I expect your daughter does feel quite conflicting feelings which are probably hard to manage (maybe you do too). I have come across a website for the Lucy Faithfull Foundation which works with abusers but looks as if it might also help support families and those who have been abused. They have a helpline I think (sorry don't know how to link).

I would be surprised if your daughter was lying about her father but it might be difficult for you to absorb all of this at the moment. Please let us know how you are, I will be watching this thread.

Much more bearable that should say

May I make a suggestion? You have to believe your daughter. Others will determine the facts and decide his innocence or guilt, but you need to support her.

As for who supports you whilst you are supporting her, women's aid would be your best bet.

I don't in any way want to say anything that would be wrong but I just want to chuck in my tuppence worth...............

I remember going through a stage with my dad in my early teens (and for the life of me I can't remember why) when I truly hated him. I didn't want him near me, I couldn't look at him, I mumbled when he spoke to me, he almost gave me the creeps. I don't know how long it went on but I remember feeling very, very unhappy and I can remember thinking about talking to my Home Economics teacher about it. I even wrote a short story in English, loosely based on my feelings, which made my teacher call me into her room the following week as she was worried about what I had written.

In short, I gave her cause to be worried about my relationship with him. There was nothing to be worried about. My dad is adorable and wonderful and it truly was something I was 'going through'. I can't even explain it to myself!!!!

What I am trying to say/ask is.....could she have got herself into a situation she can't get out of?

Another thing that adds to confusion is she is waiting for the police to come, on monday I think, to take a statement to drop the charges. I really dont think I have put any pressure on her to do this, but I realise there may have been an implied pressure?

To take a statement to drop the charges or or drop the charges?

Who is pressuring her?

thats where my mind is at with this frumpy. Its not that i disbelive her, I have no reason to, but I also have no reason to believe her. Same with husband, no reason to believe or disbelieve really.

Such a tricky situation. You really are going to have to search hard in your own self to find your gut feelings. You have to gain her trust to such a degree that she can be wholly honest to you.

And why is it adding to the confusion?

Do you believe her?

Eh? Why are you/she dropping the charges. What is the background to all this? Does this mean that social services will/will not be involved?

I find it very sad for you that you don't feel you can just accept what she has told you is true.

Please don't let her ever know this, even if it turns out to be all lies or a misunderstanding.