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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My daughter has made allegations that my husband in abusing her, I can't find any support on the net. Please help!!!

1003 replies

hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 14:16

My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making sexual advances towards her. Please tell me where I can get some support around how this is making me feel. I can't find anywhere on the net for this kind of thing.

OP posts:
memoo · 20/02/2009 14:31

Lightshines, Children don't make stuff up like this, they really don't. The OP has said herself that she doesn't believe her daughter would lie so yes she needs to believe her daughter

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 14:32

he is her stepfather, has been a really great one too for ten years

OP posts:
memoo · 20/02/2009 14:32

so that should be wouldn't lie

kettlechip · 20/02/2009 14:32

My ex SIL made untrue allegations about her parents when she was a teenager. It can happen even though it's unusual.
Did you all have a strong relationship before all of this?

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 14:33

and what is OP?

OP posts:
muffle · 20/02/2009 14:34

I think you must 100% believe her as she is not the adult here - if someone is wrongly accused, he can take it better than she can. If for any reason she's lying (do they get on - would she have any reason to falsely accuse him?) then the whole thing being taken 100% seriously will scare her and it will come out in the wash. But if she's telling the truth (and I'm sorry but this isn't uncommon, so it's very possible she is) she really, absolutely needs you to be on her side and not doubt her for a second. Spend time listening to her if you can.

It must be horrendous but your child comes first. Is she his daughter too?

Don't go away, it's likely someone on here will have been through this. Could you talk to a close friend (who will not gossip or let your DD know you've mentioned it)?

GossipMonger · 20/02/2009 14:34

op- original poster

ChopsTheDuck · 20/02/2009 14:34

original/opening poster

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 14:34

yes we have always had a fantastic relationshiop, as a couple and as a family

OP posts:
Nabster · 20/02/2009 14:34

Original poster.

There is a ancronym list somewhere.

He is as good as her father then.

I wish you lots of love and strength to get through this. I still live with it every day.

GossipMonger · 20/02/2009 14:34

op said he is the stepfather and has been for 10years

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/02/2009 14:35

Yes, you need to believe your dd without question. If you are doubting that your daughter is telling the truth she will be aware of it. She is your priority and you do need to be behind her 100%.

Sorry for the bluntness. It must be a hideous situation for you, and you do need a lot of support. I assume you are new to Mumsnet, you will find a lot of help on here from some very kind and knowledgable people.

dittany · 20/02/2009 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LightShinesInTheDarkness · 20/02/2009 14:35

memoo - I respect your opinion and you may have personal or professional experience to back up what you say, which I respect as well.

I just think that 14 can be a messed-up time for many girls, and the allegations may not be true, or not 100% true.

muffle · 20/02/2009 14:37

Sorry cross-posted re her being his stepdaughter.

False accusations can happen, but they're not as common as abuse (especially by stepfathers I am sorry to say, though of course I'm not saying they're all the same). But as I've said if she is lying, lots of love, support and belief in her will shame her and it will come out. Whereas if she's not lying, not to be believed would be devastating.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 14:37

I absolutely know that I should be 100% believing her, she has not fallen out with him and has no reason that I know of to make it up...... but i do have doubts. I think it would be easier if I didnt as then I would not be in such a mess!!

OP posts:
dittany · 20/02/2009 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 14:40

Yes I am brand new to this site, and am already amazed and relieved to have found it!
She, dd, is being very candid and open with me about it when we talk

OP posts:
kettlechip · 20/02/2009 14:40

I think it's a very natural reaction to have doubts because he's the man you've loved and been with for many years. You're not disbelieving your dd in doing so, just coming to terms with the realisation that your husband might not be the man you thought he was.
I agree with the others, you have to assume she's telling the truth unless it is absolutely proved otherwise.

dittany · 20/02/2009 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/02/2009 14:41

Agree with dittany. The whole false allegations thing is something which you must put aside, unless you have real doubts about your dd, such as if she has lied abut something very serious before.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 14:42

No, she has NEVER before said or implied that anything was happening. one small mercy is that she says its not been happening for long and that he has never hurt her. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 20/02/2009 14:43

Christ. You and your poor daughter. What a rotten thing for you both to have to endure.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 14:46

Yes I have spoken to my husband and he denys it, My sons have also been questioned, by police and myself, and they are as shocked as I am

OP posts:
LightShinesInTheDarkness · 20/02/2009 14:47

but how did it end up with the Police - did you involve them?
I mean, that is the right thing to do, but was it a total surprise to you?

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