My daughter has made allegations that my husband in abusing her, I can't find any support on the net. Please help!!!

[hurtandworried]

My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making sexual advances towards her. Please tell me where I can get some support around how this is making me feel. I can't find anywhere on the net for this kind of thing.

Hurtandworried - I am sorry to hear of the awful situation you and your daughter are in. I think it is absolutely understandable that you need some support for you, and are feeling quite at a loss.

Do you have any friends or family (not your sons or daughter) to confide in and be able to talk things through with?

I dont get the "dropping charges" issue that some posters are mentioning. Surely it is up to the police/cps if the case is proceeded with?

Your daughter is bound to feel very scared at the implications her disclosure could have for the whole family, and it is likely that there will be times when she wishes she had not spoken out. I hope she can get some support from professionals to help her through this.

Good luck to both of you.

thankyou threadiemair, i am doing all i can to help her.

Agree, the OP needs professional advice and support ASAP.

Very supportive of her brothers. That doesn't tie up with your earlier comment that they would kill your husband if he did it. They are not being very helpful. I hope that they keep their comments to themselves.

We will support HAW.

No i havent read all the posts, i am on mobile bband connection which keeps dropping! No, i dont feel that I can discuss it at the moment with anyone

why not?

Hmmm

I can speak as someone who has been abused by their stepfather and also about what my mother did in response when I finally told her about my abuse.

She was in denial,asked me had I dreamt it all up,had I got him confused with someone else? etc etc.She confronted him and he admitted the abuse,but she still couldn't cope with the truth (especially as he said he wouln't ever do it again and that he was truly very sorry).

My stepfather groomed me (and my mother-there was underlining emotional abuse from him).He told me did it because he 'loved' me too much but also said,that if I told anyone,everyone would blame me and disown me-so I tried to make him happy and to the outside world we looked like a happy family unit.

After I told my mother,they (him and her) gave me the choice of going to the police station-I was 11,and petrified so refused that option,really my mother should of marched me there (but then she didn't 100% believe me or want to believe me-how could her wonderful partner abuse her child?!).This actually fucked my head up more as it was brushed under the carpet totally and there was exceptance of his abuse.

I finally brought charges against my stepfather in my early twenties.,but the damage was done really,I could no longer trust my mother,because she couldn't support me when I most needed it.He was important than her own child.

I would go to your GP,explain and get yourself some counselling as well as your daughter-don't let his abuse ruin the relationship that you have with your daughter,I hope your daughter can continue the strength that she is showing now and press forward with those charges (I wish I had at a earlier age).Support her 100% and tell her,no matter what the outcome of this awful situation,you will love and listen and always be there for her.

He is not the important one,your daughter is.

hurtandworried, has your daughters behaviour been any different recently? Has she become more withdrawn/upset/angry?

People such as nabster and I will have strong feelings about this as we have experienced it. I can understand how upset and scared you are, it must be awful. I can understnad how upset and scared my mother was. In fact I have tried very hard to understand my mothers feelings...but I needed support then.

HAW you seem to have a close relationship with your daughter. I know that the majority of other posters have said that you should believe and support your DD 100% and I agree with that but I also think that it may be possible to do this whilst letting her know how confused you are feeling.

The fact that you cannot believe that her Stepfather may have abused her or anyone for that matter does not mean that you do not believe her. I might add that I have no experience in these matters but honesty has to be better than masking your feelings and running the risk of them being misinterpreted i.e. your daughter actually thinking you don't believe her 100%.

Good luck with it all.

Oh poshwellies What a hideous situation.

Is your mother still with your stepdad?

My sons are keeping their feelings to themselves and are being very supportive of their sister. I was just trying to get across that we are working togther as much as possible and they would not, even if I wanted to, allow any further interaction with him if he has done this

I think if the mum tells her daughter she can't believe her husband would do this, the child will hear, mum doesn't believe me.

He was up until I was in my teens,getorf.

Just wanted to tell OP what happens when mother's of abused children don't 100% believe-it wrecks lives as much as the actual abuse.

my mother is still with him too and I think they have recently married.

years later she did say in passing, Oh I believe you now.

and its not 'if' OP

If you continue to show your daughter that you are unsure of her allegations,she will withdrawal and yes,no doubt refuse to press charges

If she can't trust her mother to believe her,than who has else has she got?

Yes exactly, its not that I dont believe her, and its not that I believe him.... oh that sounds so crap, it is so hard to explain. But she does know that I will stand by her totally no matter what the outcome.

HAW - just wanted to extend my sympathies to you (& your DD) at such an awful time

As you can see it's a terribly emotive issue and i hope the support you get on here helps.

If you can keep all your doubts on here then that will surely help your DD. So don't be put off be expressing yourself honestly here - even if some posters get upset, better us lot than your DD, imvho.

Good luck with whatever happens next.

Hmm yes that's all I ever hear from my mother now nabster. That and how difficult it all was for her. She is being too supportive now iyswim...it's too late.

Hi, as you say you can't read all the posts I am going to repeat what I said a couple of minutes agot, as I think it may help you understand what your DD is going through

"You are in a terrible situation and DO NEED lots of support in order for you to support your DD and get through this situation. I think you will find Mumsnet a good place for that, with the added advantage of anonimity that helps you be more honest without worrying about how people will react to you later.

I think your DD is in a difficult position. It must have been hard for her to tell. I was in a position very similar for many years and never could tell anyone. My mum would have been the last person in the world to whom I would have wanted to talk. Its a mess; your DD loves you and your DH (Dear Husband) and doesn't want to hurt you or cause trouble for you. She knows what is happening is wrong and wants it to stop, but she doesn't want you to suffer at all. Hence -I think, anyway- that she doesn't want to press charges."

Molesworth, without her evidence in court the CPS would not give the police backing to proceed. Even with the victims evidence, the prosecution rate is appalling, and also the reporting levels for these offences mean that very few offenders go to court at all. The system does not bode well for justice I'm afraid.
OP please contact NSPCC or social services for support (the former) and assesment (the latter). Your dd deserves both and so do you and other DCs.
Do not allow contact with your DP until the matter is fully resolved and then make sure contact is supervised.

You sound very confused and I think you need to call Childline, NSPCC or one of the other organisations mentioned on this thread for specialist support and advice.

I can't see how allowing her to drop charges is supporting her in any way. It would also leave him free to go and do the same to someone else.

You can't expect those of us who have experienced this (whether as child or parent) not to react to what you're saying here. You will get impartial support from someone with specialist training from Childline etc. Do call them today HAW.

thedolly thankyou, that is how i feel

@ lessonlearned - surely she would have to withdraw her statement in that case?

Hurtandworried - it mustbe very difficult to articulate what you are feeling at the moment and out it across on a forum like this, hence some of the strong posts you have got back.

I am hoping that some of the professional help links that some Mumsnetters have posted can help beacuse I really truly believe that you and your daughter will need all the help you can get.

Also I cannot help but reiterate this, but if you are doubting your daughter even slightly and unconsciously she will know. And will be confused and upset. Read poshwellies posts, plus squirdle and nabster. Your sons are also making very pernicious comments. They need to be told to stop.