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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My daughter has made allegations that my husband in abusing her, I can't find any support on the net. Please help!!!

1003 replies

hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 14:16

My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making sexual advances towards her. Please tell me where I can get some support around how this is making me feel. I can't find anywhere on the net for this kind of thing.

OP posts:
hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 01:37

CIN meeting, working close with sw for us as a family and individuals, police here monday as dd wants to drop charges, day to day just trying to cope, dont know any further than that really

OP posts:
lysistrata · 21/02/2009 01:38

There seems little reason to lie about this, but if she is, so what?
If you don?t believe her, just walk away from the thread (figuratively speaking) ? why do you have to continue debating whether or not she is making it up? Are you really that insistent on being right? If you?re angry because you think she?s wasting your time, then stop replying. Problem solved.

If you give your sympathy and it turns out to be a troll case, what have you lost? You?ve showed your compassion, and trust in human nature. If you?re wrong, you?ve wasted 2 minutes of your life. I?m sorry, I only just stumbled across this thread, I?ve almost never posted on mumsnet before (although my own mother is a regular poster), but the way some of you are acting seems frankly, rather juvenile.

Also, some people in this thread seem pretty intent on being smartarses ? no one likes a smartarse. It doesn?t matter what the statistics say, it doesn?t mean whatever is more likely is true in this case.

My own personal insight is this ? I had a friend who, when she was about your daughter?s age, went through a phase of telling some terrible lies. She?d tell people her dad had been hitting her. When the police got involved, she finally admitted to having lied for attention. I am in no way saying this is what is happening, it is merely something to consider. Also, the fact that she told the nurse, who then went to child protection suggests this may have been a cry for attention that got out of hand.

I?ve been told that many of your concerns come from being sucked in by trolls yourselves, and I?m sorry people would be so manipulative, but I say again ? if you don?t believe them, don?t answer. Because if you are wrong and cry ?TROLL?, and punch holes in her argument, all you are doing is frustrating and upsetting an innocent and already distressed lady.

OP - If your daughter is telling the truth, my own most utmost sympathies to your situation.

hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 01:39

oh lesson how sad....i can see your thinking but please belive me i am not!! is that what you are thinking? please ringme or let me mail you to prove i am not. i have not been told about strat meeting, but as i keep saying, .....i am only the mother

OP posts:
scrooged · 21/02/2009 01:40

I'm assuming there are bail restrictions preventing him from coming near the house/contact etc?

Why's she dropping the charges? Was this decided after the counselling/school nurse/social services visit?

hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 01:42

thankyou lysis,

OP posts:
LadyGlencoraPalliser · 21/02/2009 01:42

I've been lurking on this thread, but would just like to say - great post Lysistrata.
Some of what has been going on here has been like bear baiting. Not a pretty sight.
OP, I hope the support and advice you have received from the well-meaning posters on this thread has been enough to make up for some of the rather unpleasant barracking you have been subjected to.

hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 01:43

yes scrooged there are, and if she drops charges and bail dropped i have a family safety agreement with sw etc that they still stay in place
dropping charges as she doesnt want him to go to prison as a nonce as she saw on tv how awaful it is on the vp unit

OP posts:
hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 01:45

yes lady, its the only reason i am stil here as i have gained a lot of strength from it

OP posts:
scrooged · 21/02/2009 01:46

School nurses are under a legal duty to act on this. Your daughter would not have known this. She would have needed to make an appointment with the nurse, she would have thought about this before hand and I'd imagine she'd have been so worked up beforehand. A complaint can be devastating for a family, I've seen the dispair that some families have but I can't imagine what this must do to a child's life when they feel unable to speak out so the abuse continues. Your daughter's a very brave girl for doing this.

scrooged · 21/02/2009 01:49

You have to remember that she see's him as her father so there's alot of attachment there. The chances are that she doesn't want to see him punished for his behaviour, almost as if she's trying to protect him. If she wanted to drop the charges because she admits she made a mistake or made it up then this is different to her dropping the charges because she doesn't want him to come to any harm in prison. Can you see this?

lessonlearned · 21/02/2009 01:50

You have suddenly changed from patronising/ridiculing/attacking me to appeasing me. Well, perhaps you need to go and research ECM, OP. You are operating on OOd information (out of date).
You need to keep up, really, the legislation I am advising on is well embedded in multi agency strategy. Don't forget Victoria Climbie died in 2000 and things have moved on.
Agencies are required BY LAW to talk to each other in order to safeguard children!!!

hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 01:50

no to appointment, the school my kids go to have an open door policy forthe nurse and pastoral support. yes she is very brave and in spite of the havoc it has caused i am very proud of her

OP posts:
hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 01:53

yes lesson, to talk to each other. at the early stages when this happened i was classed as apotential witness, police words not mine, which is why i wasnt involved apparently, as were my sons. as to appease, are you mad!! no way, i just thought that for the first time you were talking sense without the nasty edge you have had all night

OP posts:
scrooged · 21/02/2009 01:53

She's not causing havoc. Your husband has caused this, not her. It will help you to see the difference. She's a child that's asked for help, she's not caused the problem. If she had seen someone rob a bank and reported this then she would not be causing havoc, she's the victim in this.

hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 01:55

yes scrooged, she wants to drop chargges, not retract what she has said, so it always stays on file

OP posts:
LadyGlencoraPalliser · 21/02/2009 01:56

H&W - you really need to listen to Scrooged. She is talking very good sense.

As for you Lessonlearned, go to bed will you. It's got to be past your bedtime.

hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 01:56

no scrooged i said havoc it had cuased, didnt mean to imply i blamed her for it at all

OP posts:
Molesworth · 21/02/2009 01:56

Help and Advice from the NSPCC

I strongly urge you to make contact with the NSPCC (or one of the organisations listed on that linked page) for support and advice as well as up to date information on the procedures the police and social services must follow.

Some of the things you've said regarding the handling of your dd's allegation don't sound right: the reference to Gillick; the sending of your husband's interview tape(s) to your address; the continuing counselling which could contaminate the evidence if this did go to court.

I think you need to be as well-informed as possible about the way this should be handled by the appropriate agencies.

I'd also think twice before supporting dd's decision to drop charges. She has not retracted her allegation, and she has claimed that it happened more than once.

scrooged · 21/02/2009 01:57

Sounds to me like she's worried about what's going to happen to him. What do you think when you know her reasons for dropping the charges?

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 21/02/2009 01:57

Why do you think she should drop the charges H&W?

hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 02:01

yes moles i had my doubts about those before and coming on here has just confirmed all of them. i KNEW the tapes wasnt right but the rest i wasnt sure of

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 21/02/2009 02:02

lessonlearned, can you drop me a line on bitoffun 1 @ yahoo . co.uk while you're up? As you were!

scrooged · 21/02/2009 02:02

I know you are not implying anything. Your words give you away a bit. You are sceptical, I understand this, you are tworn between your child and your husband and I wouldn't want to be in this position either. You do need to look at her reasons as to why she's dropping the charges though. This screams out 'he did it but I don't want to see him get hurt in the prison' rather then 'I was wrong'.

I'd be seriously pissed at person who told her what life was like for a child molester in prison though. This has done serious harm to your child. I scarcly imagine how much pain she's going through now. It's not in her best interest for the meeting to go ahead at the moment. Perhapse you need to contact the school nurse, your daughter trust her enough to confide in her, she will be able to help her.

hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 02:03

rightly or wrongly i agree with her reasons, i have worked on vp units in prison as adrug worker and, as my husband, do not think he deserves that. i said it on here before and was lambasted for it but im just being honest with how i feel. i said earleir that losing house, family, life, friends etc was enough.....now im not so sure

OP posts:
scrooged · 21/02/2009 02:04

Threads normally stop after 1000 posts. You need to start another one pet.

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