My daughter has made allegations that my husband in abusing her, I can't find any support on the net. Please help!!!

[hurtandworried]

My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making sexual advances towards her. Please tell me where I can get some support around how this is making me feel. I can't find anywhere on the net for this kind of thing.

Why is she issuing a statement to drop the charges? Is she now saying that nothing happened?

What an awful mess it sounds

She wants to drop the charges but doesnt want to retract her statement. She does trust me and is being so brave, and bless her, supportive of me. I must have done something right!!

Have you tried writing to her? I read in a kids book ages ago that writing a little note to your child can be a real benefit. So......

I started writing short letters to my DD1 when she was old enough to read......I had young baby twins and hardly a minute to remember to tell her thank you for doing something like tidying up her plate or helping me. Sometimes I would write her a letter and leave it on her bed, just telling her that I noticed this or thanks for that. She started replying.

Now, we often do this. Not every week but every so often. Its a way of reinforcing things I feel she has done really well. And I hear the important things from her which can be hard to find amongst the daily life, face to face chat.

Could you write? Straight from your head and heart. The truth about how YOU feel. And see if she can write back.

The written word is powerful and carries precisely what you want to say.

No, she is saying it happened but does not want to proceed with police involvement

My friend was raped at least once a week by her stepfather from the age of 12 to 14 when someone finally believed her.

I think you need to support her. Your husband is an adult he can fend for himself.

Is it actually possible for a child to drop charges in a case like this? I have a feeling it isn't. Have the police said that this is possible?

Writing is a fantastic idea. I have been totally honest about how I feel. The best way I can describe it to her is if someone asks me if I belive in ghosts, I dont disbelive as I have never seen one, but I dont belive in them either until i do see one.... to her it was a bitmore eloquent, im trying to type the bare facts!!

Not sure which area of the country you're in but these people may be able to help your daughter www.rasasc-guildford.org/index.html.

I hope you are taking what your daughter has said seriously. People who have been abused need people to love and support them.

I think she needs counselling asap to help her sort out what actually has happened, and how she feels about it.

I really feel for you as there sounds to be no clear path through it all at the moment.

This sounds to be turning into more about you. Your daughter trusts you and is supporting you.

You need to trust and support her and dropping the charges is a really bad idea imo/ime and I think you need to step back for a minute and decide who you do believe.

Yes it is possible to drop the charges, the investigating officer has already been here and discussed it.
Dittany i think you have read me all wrong, I am just trying to express how proud I am of her and how insightful she is being. I am supporting her, just trying to find somewhere to vent my confusion and worry about the whole situation

okay

what are you confused about and what are you worried about?

Maybe we can help?

Why on earth should she be supportive of you? I don't understand. Of course you need support, but not from your daughter. She is the one who needs all the support. It seems that she is feeling very guilty about all this, and has probably been pressured, however unintentionally, to drop these charges.

I know you are upset but I am finding some of your phraseology a bit strange, to be honest.

It's ok to express doubts on here, but I really wouldn't use the ghost analogy with your dd though, she needs to feel you believe her 100% because she says it's what's happened, she shouldn't have to prove it to you.

And also, if your daughter thinks you might actually kill him if it turns out he has abused your daughter, she might feel frightened into dropping the charges.

The whole idea was for me to get support for ME!! Can you not understand just how awful this is? There is no question that ultimatley I will stand by her no matter what the outcome but that doesnt stop me feeling hurt, confused, bewildered and whatever other emotion you can think of!

I really hope that you can find a way of letting yourself believe her, it is extremely unlikely that she would fabricate this, and it sounds like she is trying to look after your feelings also.

It may be early days for this but you will have to try to help her to understand that this was not her fault, that she did not invite it, something that helped me was being told that even if I had asked him to do those things, he still should not have because he was the adult in the relationship.
Hope this helps.

hurtandworried - have you thought that your daughter might now be wanting to withdraw from her allegations because she feels that she doesn't have your full support? If it comes to charges being pressed,court etc then you will be forced to make a choice between your child and your husband, and maybe she is worried that you won't chose her?
I am sorry to be emotive about it, but you seem to be in a degree of denial about this. I mean your daughter shouldn't be supporting you FGS, you should be supporting her - and protecting her from someone who has abused her.

And we will support you but we can't ignore some of what you are saying and unfortunately some of us have been where you daughter is now.

I don't understand your ghost analogy. How do you expect your daughter to prove to you that she was abused? She's been to the school nurse, she's spoken to the police, what more can she do? What evidence can she give to make you believe her, what are you expecting?

You need to show your daughter that you trust her and are 100% supportive of her. You have no reason at all not to believe her.

I don't think she is insightful but is feeling pressured.She knows that by leaving the statement she is satisfying her needs and by dropping charges she is satisfying yours.If it was my daughter I would insist on pressing charges.i don't mean to sound harsh but what is wrong with you?Why are you sitting on the fence like this?Is her her father or sted dad and I can't believe social services will just let it lie

I'm not sure she can drop the charges without retracting her statement.

It is unlikely a 14 year old will have gone to the lengths of making a police statement if she is lying.

Speaking from experience this would be an extremely difficult decision to make.

You definately need to give her lots of support, maybe she needs to talk to someone outside of the family as well...a counsellor.

I would always take an allegation of abuse very seriously.

The only thing which worries me is that we see a lot of coverage on the tv now ie Whitney from Eastenders...something that a lot of teens warch and while I think we do need to be more aware, I also wonder if teenagers are getiing confused by it.