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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My daughter has made allegations that my husband in abusing her, I can't find any support on the net. Please help!!!

1003 replies

hurtandworried · 20/02/2009 14:16

My 14 year old daughter has made a statement to the police that my husband has been inappropriatley touching her and making sexual advances towards her. Please tell me where I can get some support around how this is making me feel. I can't find anywhere on the net for this kind of thing.

OP posts:
MollieO · 21/02/2009 00:33

mrsjammi this is a long thread but unfortunately I've read it all. OP doesn't actually believe dd over her 'wonderful' and 'fantastic' husband. She has told her 14 yr old dd that believing her accusation is rather like believing in ghosts. OP says that she doesn't know whether ghosts exist or not but would need to see one to know for certain (I'm paraphrasing). Effectively saying to her dd that because she didn't see it happen it didn't happen but don't worry I'll 'support' you whatever happens. She is 'very proud' that her dd is going to go to the police and withdraw the accusations but her dd wants the statement she made to remain - which I interpret as a heartfelt plea from dd along the lines of 'mum why don't you believe me?'.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 00:34

this will please you ronald, had to switch back to shitty o2 as one of sons wants real connection, so does my drops in connection mean something sinister to you again?
yes mrsjammi ihave, sadly expressed doubts to my dd, but this site has given me such a lot of clarity that i wont again, just hope not too much damage has been done already. dd and i are close so i hope i can mend it

OP posts:
BONKERZ · 21/02/2009 00:35

i think that what im trying to say is that you have mentioned you and your dd would take your dh back BUT this probably wont be possible as he will be placed on the sex offenders register and therefore will be allowed no where near your DD even if no charges are bought against him. So you really do have to decide between your husband and your daughter. There really is no solution to this as far as i a m aware, a relationship with the man who may or may not have abused your daughter is not going to work ever! The problem you have is that you have told your daughter you dont 100% beleieve her and that may mean you lose her too.

Ashantai · 21/02/2009 00:35

Wish i'd just read your last post MollieO instead of the whole thread! That seems to put it all in a nutshell i guess.

Ronaldinhio · 21/02/2009 00:37

back with the sinisters again eh...always so interesting to read another's turn of phrase!

Anyway I'm going to walk over the bridge to the meadow with the lovely thick juicy grass and bed down for the night

You'll let me pass won't you OP? My other brothers are still on your side...

RnR · 21/02/2009 00:38

I have spent the last 2 hours catching up with this thread and am so shocked!

I just hope that this is not true and that you are a 'troll' (I am new to MN) otherwise there is a young girl out there thinking her mom does not believe her.

You must believe her.

Good luck.

coolbeans · 21/02/2009 00:38

Alright, now HAW. Enough. You're done with the wine. Put it down, it's not going to help - it will all still be here tomorrow, with or without a hangover.
And you're going to feel better without a hangover.
You need your wits about you to deal with this stuff.

Take care, and goodnight.

ravenAK · 21/02/2009 00:38

Can he be put on the SO register if no charges/conviction Bonkerz?

Quattrocento · 21/02/2009 00:38

That's my reading of this thread too MollieO.

I'm very proud of the MNetters who I've never met who've come onto the thread and pleaded with the OP to support her daughter.

lessonlearned · 21/02/2009 00:39

OP how dare you say that you and DD are close? WTF?? Has nobody here got through to you?
It's wonderful that your DS has got out of bed again to reclaim his connection. So glad to see that you put him first even though you have no idea if he's gone to bed or not!

Original poster
hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 00:39

yes bonkerz, but i never said there was a choice, its my daughetr 100% all the way down the line every day of the week, even if i still have my doubts and thats what none of you can comprehend

OP posts:
MollieO · 21/02/2009 00:40

Ashantai, I wish I hadn't read the whole thread either (although mostly read in real time made it easier). I find the whole case, if true, completely heartbreaking. Our dcs are the most precious things in our lives and I couldn't imagine letting my dc down so so badly. I am sure that the OP didn't do it deliberately and I hope she tries now to put things right but not sure she appreciates what needs to be done, despite everyone here posting the obvious.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 00:40

no to register, yes to details being held 'on file' as police say

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 00:42

lesson do you have 4 teenagers in your house???? if not dont you dare to judge....again!!!

OP posts:
BONKERZ · 21/02/2009 00:42

my brother was. he was put on it immediately as soon as the accusation was made, My BIL was placed on it too as soon as the accusations were made , both were let out on bail pending further investigation. My BIL went to court almost 18 mths after accusation and was sent down for 20+ years and my brothers case was dropped after 5 months when my neice admitted she had made it up (she had huge issues with being abused and had huge hate issues towards men and my brother lived with my mum where she lived, my mum believed my niece and my brother moved into a hostel so neice had no reason to retarct statement as brother was not around and mum supported her completely!)

mrsjammi · 21/02/2009 00:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BONKERZ · 21/02/2009 00:44

HAW in one of your posts you DID say that your dd wanted to drop charges so DH could come home! will try to find that.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 00:44

yes mollie, as i said before, sadly its true and its even sadder that some of you 'normal' folk dont believe it whe its happening to 'normal' folk like me every day and to kids not as brave as my daughter. i hope if you get any other desparate parents on here you keep the likes of lesson and ronald away as anyone less strong than me would be broken by their nasty, snidey comments

OP posts:
lessonlearned · 21/02/2009 00:45

Ahah, OP remarkably well informed when it suits, aren't you?
You don't seem to have made any requests for info regarding the 'counselling' your DD is recieving in school - even though I informed you that the whole case could be contaminated by it.

Original poster
hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 00:46

yes mrsjammi i have already done that

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 00:47

yes bonkerz she has said that

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandworried · 21/02/2009 00:49

my dd is receving counselling in school, nothing to do with the case at all

OP posts:
RiaParkinson · 21/02/2009 00:50

/bonkerz

in my dealings with the police i was told there are lists and there are lists

lessonlearned · 21/02/2009 00:51

At the last count, OP regarding teens/twenties there were 7 here. All eating their way to the back of my fridge!!!
Why - what exactly would happen if I did judge?
Intrigued, now OP!

BONKERZ · 21/02/2009 00:51

By hurtandworried on Fri 20-Feb-09 19:36:12
yes little, it doesnt bear thinking about. i havent had any plans for the future really, dd wants him back in family home, its me thats said no way, not yet, not til its come to an end

it will never come to an end though! your dd thinks if she doesnt charge then all will be back to normal and she probably trusts you to stop him from doing it again, she probably is wanting to not charge for this reason, she needs to understand that no matter whats happened you beleive her and no matter what happens oyu will not be getting back with your DH as he did something which was wrong.

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