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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Omigod

162 replies

YummyMummy14 · 12/02/2009 22:41

Help, please. I have just discovered that my H has been looking at porn on the internet.... we have been married 2 years and have a 1 year old son; he has done this once before, before our DS was born and I only found out by chance when the pics came up on screen. I had a melt down at the time and felt totally devastated. He said it would stop and it did, till now. Have just confronted him on the phone (he;s at work) and he didn't deny it. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and don't know what to do- I haven't told any friends as I'm too ashamed and embarrassed. I don't know what to do. I feel sick that he's looked at it since having a child. I freely admit that I don't look as good as I used to and that at the moment due to a lively, nocturnal baby we hardly ever have sex. But I though love and marriage were meant to go deeper than that. I feel like he is being unfaithful. I hate him and it makes me hate myself. PLEASE write something...

OP posts:
HandbagCrumb · 12/02/2009 22:42
Hmm
Dropdeadfred · 12/02/2009 22:43

I understand your upset and feeling betrayed, but porn use is soooooo common amongest men and it is rarely a sign of not wanting you anymore or being unfaithful. he wants sex, he's not getting it from you so he is seekign staisfaction elsewhere..perhaps he didn't want to pressure you...?

AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard · 12/02/2009 22:43

double

btw, good name handbagcrumb

I have cutlerydrawercrumb

Janos · 12/02/2009 22:45

I understand that you're upset but this is quite common.

Is he looking at stuff that isn't 'normal' IYSWIM?

dietstartstomorrow · 12/02/2009 22:46

Does it really matter. I wouldn't care, unless it was really weird stuff.

CharleeheartsherChains · 12/02/2009 22:47

Whats with the some people don't like thier partners looking at porn?!

Am confused.... unless your contemplating shouting the 'T' word?

HandbagCrumb · 12/02/2009 22:47

Cheers Fucker

HandbagCrumb · 12/02/2009 22:48

Exactly Charlee.

Original poster
YummyMummy14 · 12/02/2009 22:48

part of the reason i haven't chatted to anyone about it is the thought that maybe it is ok, and that it is used so commonly- by men and couples... and that i should just lighten up. problem is i just cant imagine any of our/my mates thinking what he is doing is ok.

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 12/02/2009 22:48

If you have not been having sex, as is normal with a young child, then why is it so strange that he would want to erm.. sort himself out? Porn use is not being unfaithful unless he is refusing sex with you and using porn instead.

I would suggest you are being a little old fashioned in your understanding or why men use porn. Perhaps you could sit and talk to him about why he wants to use it and what he gets from it? I would put money on it being something along the lines of "I know you are not feeling up to it at the moment and I don't want to presure you".

CharleeheartsherChains · 12/02/2009 22:49

Oh ok

Stretch · 12/02/2009 22:51

I don't like it. DH doesn't look at porn. He knows I don't like it. We have a pretty good sex life. I would be hurt if instead of talking to me about wanting more sex, he just decided to look at porn.

Original poster
YummyMummy14 · 12/02/2009 22:51

it seems to be mostly 'normal' stuff- men on women and w on w etc... still think that even if he was getting it from me maybe the temptation would be too great for him.

OP posts:
PussinJimmyChoos · 12/02/2009 22:52

I'm so tired of people saying oh its normal for men to look at porn blah blah...my DH looks at it and it makes me feel crap too....hes enjoying looking at perfect fadged and titted women and theres me carrying a little excess weight since having our child, stretch marks and a c scar....

AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard · 12/02/2009 22:53

a totally over-the-top reaction although I understand you are upset

you rang him at work to rant about porn use? are you crazy?

at the risk of upsetting you further, I would suggest that he didn't stop imbetween these two incidents, rather he carried on even more furtively, knowing that you would be "devastated"

come on love, "devastated" is when somebody dies

2pt4kids · 12/02/2009 22:54

Its perfectly normal

candleskormafor2andcheapwine · 12/02/2009 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 12/02/2009 22:57

Even if you don't like porn, it is unreasonable to forbid a partner ever to look at it. He is not your property and you are not entitled to control his reading/viewing material - though it would be reasonable for you to ask him not to leave material on a shared computer, for instance, and not to view it when you are in the room or in the house.

Given your current circumstances, it is understandable for him to think that looking at porn and taking care of his own sexual needs is a way of being considerate towards you ie not pressuring you for sex when you are tired and not feeling like it. If you would like to have more sex and think that he is the one avoiding it out of a mistaken wish to spare your feelings, talk to him about that.

PussinJimmyChoos · 12/02/2009 22:57

I'm kind of liking they 'men are simple visual creatures' bit I have to say!

Stretch · 12/02/2009 22:58

No, he isn't comparing you to one of those women or wishing you were them, he just wants to fuck them!!! Why is this ok??

AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard · 12/02/2009 23:00

stretch, he doesn't want to fuck them

he wants to have a hand-shandy

and loves his wife

the two are not mutually exclusive

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 12/02/2009 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hannahlouhoo · 12/02/2009 23:02

I like porn, and watch it alot on the internet and dvds, for one goal only!

If my dp was to watch porn without me i wouldnt be upset in anyway at all! why? Porn to me is all about masterbation to help me get there quicker!

op how would you feel if you found him wanking in the shower?

Have you never had some on your own fun?

speak to him if its that important or for valentines day you could buy some porn for you both?

candleskormafor2andcheapwine · 12/02/2009 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janos · 12/02/2009 23:03

This is one area I think where men and women are really different, IYSWIM. They see it as harmless and inconsequential.

Often we don't!

It's entirely fair enough not to like it I think and I really do understand your POV.

When you are feeling knackered, unattractive and hormonal you think 'he prefers them to me, how could he etc' whereas they simply don't see it that way.

Hope that helps a little.