Omigod

[YummyMummy14]

Help, please. I have just discovered that my H has been looking at porn on the internet.... we have been married 2 years and have a 1 year old son; he has done this once before, before our DS was born and I only found out by chance when the pics came up on screen. I had a melt down at the time and felt totally devastated. He said it would stop and it did, till now. Have just confronted him on the phone (he;s at work) and he didn't deny it. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and don't know what to do- I haven't told any friends as I'm too ashamed and embarrassed. I don't know what to do. I feel sick that he's looked at it since having a child. I freely admit that I don't look as good as I used to and that at the moment due to a lively, nocturnal baby we hardly ever have sex. But I though love and marriage were meant to go deeper than that. I feel like he is being unfaithful. I hate him and it makes me hate myself. PLEASE write something...

Thanks they are pretty old pictures, i really need to update them all.

Thanks for chatting to me, i will be fine tommorrow i promise, it just gets a bit much sometimes. I usually stay awa from MN when it does so i don't make a tit out of myself.

Anyway I really gave to go to bed..work tomorrow unfortunately.

Hope you feel better tomorrow Charlee.

Have to..tiredness makes for bad typing!

Ok thanks again Sleep well

good morning ladies

hope all are well and got some healing sleep

charlee, your boys are gorgeous, your opinion is a relevant one and I'm sure anyone reading it will put it in context, hope it doesn't get deleted

janos, korma, puss and reality, you are all fab

sgb, you know you are fab so I don't have to tell you

Morning all, yes it was interesting. I never mind having a discussion with people who disagree with me - and I'm sorry you were having a crap night for other reasons Charlee. Hope your little boy is feeling better today and you all had a good night.

Sorry yummymummy but you really do need to CHILL!

Unless the porn was completely our of order or illegal, I'd say its normal. I certainly don't think its aimed at upsetting you.

hello, sorry went to bed. i think part of what upsets me the most is that he's so deceitful with it, why not tell me to talk to me; does he think I wouldn't find it on the computor? and why the f* on our shared computor?; he totally broke my last laptop with the same shite causing viruses to infect it.
i think it is really lame that we women just have to say 'there, there, its ok, he's a helpless man who has look at other women to get off. as for my own sex drive- well, non existant now- at least as far as having sex with him is concerned; what am I meant to think next time- that he's getting off on a head full of porn images instead of me?

i agree, its the deceit, and quite frankly, no matter what anyone else's view on this situation is, its making you unhappy yummymummy, and that's what counts. and what should count for your DH too. its up to each marriage to define boundaries of unacceptability, and the point is he broke the trust. i'm not surprised you are feeling low about yourself as a result, and disinterested in sex. tell him all that.

My dh does not look at porn, noone on musmnet will ever let you belive there is a man alive who doesn't though....but it's true.
I don't have a problem with masturbation if he wants or needs to but porn is another thing altogether. BUT i did write to reassure you that alot of women on here will say it's perfectly normal.

I hope you've had time to talk with him.

I like porn too, but there is no way on earth I would want to hook up with any of the people on there. The objective is to turn me on, get my kicks, over and done with. I couldn't even remember their faces afterwards.

I used to get upset when boyfriends used porn, but then realised that it had NO correlation with their relationship with you. Unless it becomes a proper addiction where it's happening for hours every day...then it's a problem.

Otherwise, it is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the way you look. It is a physical release. Don't berate yourself. But also realise that just because he has a child, doesn't mean he's going to give up his sexual urges...you know that deep down. Just try really hard not to take it personally. He does not want to know these people in the porn flicks....I promise you!

FWIW I hate porn too and I don't agree with the MN majority that it's normal or that women who find it upsetting should consider counselling.

I also think that if I had kids I'd feel this even more strongly so I think it's unfair that somebody WTF'ed you for saying that.

YummyMummy, no, you don't have to just accept it.

However, seeing as at the moment your partner cannot have sex with you
what would you propose as an alternative to porn?

And: would he accept your suggestion?

my hubby looks at porn it has never bothered me. your fantasy life and ur sex life are two different things. if u masturbate do u always think of ur hubby because its really no different. he will never meet these women its just his imagination. you will make it in to a huge deal if u push it underground also u may end up making it more erotic for him because he knows he is not suppose to be doing it.

isn't a fantasy something in your imagination?
therefore not some scrubber showing her fanjo on the internet

YM: Well, he's secretive about it because he knows you will not approve. But the thing is, he is actually an adult and allowed to make his own choices about what he wants to watch and read. Do you expect him to have no sexual outlet at all while you are going through a low-libido stage? Because, frankly, that's unfair.
I appreciate your annoyance about the viruses, though. Do you only have one household computer? Or is he just being lazy and using the shared one instead of his own?
You could consider a reasonable compromise: that he looks at porn magazines or DVDs rather than internet stuff and keeps them in a box somewhere out of your way, for instance. But forbidding a partner to do anything (which isn't illegal or dangerous to you or DC) is not really a good idea; partners are not property and you are not entitled to give them orders and expect to be obeyed.

The Op is entitled not to like her husband looking at porn. Some of you may be happy that your DH does so, you may even do so yourselves. But that doesn't mean that everyone has to. She has told him how it makes her feel and he is still doing it. Therefore, he is totally disrespecting her feelings. If she was on here saying that he was forcing her to participate in a sex act that she did not like, we would all be calling him every name under the sun and some would be telling her to leave. I don't see this is any different. Porn makes some people feel very insecure, especilly if they do not have the 'perfect' body, long blonde hair and enormous breast implants that is many people's perception of porn. Her husband's continued use of it when he knows she has issues around it is, imo, unfair. I don't know what to suggest, OP, certainly I would not want to break up a marriage over it, but somehow I would have to show him just how upsetting I find it.

sayithowitis, there is a world of difference between forcing someone to do a sex act and looking at porn

porn is about the individual in this case, not about the OP, so to compare the two is nonsense

ddf, earlier in the thread we had tried to move away from using terms that were derogatory to women

"scrubber" is one of them

but, hey, I can't tell you what/what not to post

its just not very helpful

Ok, fair enough, sayithowitis.
But what would you suggest her husband does instead?

May I put this question to all of you who agree with sayithowitis and the OP.

maybe he should be encouraging me in the bedroom- rather than looking elsewhere? does feel like i am in a minority on this MN site but thank you to those who can see my point of view. ...and i'm not forbidding him to do it am i?- he's an adult who makes his own decisions- and as he's proved he can do it behind my back if he chooses. i don't think it is unreasonable to tell him how it makes Me feel thou is it? if it is, then i made a serious error in judgment in ever agreeing to get married. thimking bout getting another computor just for me, but don't want that to give him the green light to go ahead and look at p more than he already is.

Anyfucker...I hold my hand up, too...so, not jsut you

To begin, I would certainly suggest that she tries to find time when she can actually have sex with him! I appreciate that having a 'lively, nocturnal' baby, can make that difficult,however, she did not say that she has gone off it, just that it is difficult with the baby having a particular sleep pattern. I therefore assume that she wants a sex life as much as he does. It is incumbent on both of them to facilitate that, not just for him to get his jollies on the internet and ignore the fact that she presumably has needs and desires as well! Of course, I may have the wrong end of the stick and she may be suffering a lack of libido, but that is not how I understood the problem.

Sorry AF, but if he leaves his porn pictures on her computer for her to see, however accidentally, then it is as bad as forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do, because he already knows how she feels about it and is totally ignoring how hurt he knows she feels about this.