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Original poster

My XP has moved DS to new nursery without even telling me!

162 replies

Janos · 08/02/2009 13:33

We currently have a joint care arrangement, not formalised. He has DS Thur-Sat and he's with me Sunday to Wednesday.

Anyway, XP kindly informed me today that on one of the days DS is with him, he's moved him to a new nursery.

We had already discussed this and I said I didn't want him to go as I thought it would be disruptive AND said I would look after him.

However, as usual he has gone ahead and done what he likes and hell mend my opinion or what is good for DS. He has a history of this type of high handed behaviour.

Anyway I'm upset he's done this and want some advice on how to handle the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 13:34

And I should add: thank you for reading/listening.

OP posts:
ilove · 08/02/2009 13:34

How old is DS?

compo · 08/02/2009 13:35

how old is ds?
that sounds awful, why can't he let you look after him instead? is he at work that day? what was wrong with the old nursery?

Hassled · 08/02/2009 13:38

I think it's time to formalise arrangements. MNers have recommended mediation in the past - joint custody means joint decision-making.

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 13:41

DS is 4.

There is nothing wrong with the old nursery at all. In fact I have a great relationship with them. He doesn't and I suspect it's partly to do with this.

To explain further - we used to live in the same place about 15 minutes apart. He upped and moved 40 miles away without telling me until the deed was done. Well, he bought the house etc and then told me he'd done it - no, I'm not kidding. At that point I could hardly stop him moving.

The 'new' nursery is in his new home town. He says it makes it easier for pick up and drop off. He wouldn't dream of taking time off to look after DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 13:42

I agree it's time to formalise arrangements.

I'm going to start off by seeing what legal advice is out there.

XP has always felt it's his right to do whatever he likes.

OP posts:
Hassled · 08/02/2009 13:43

Family Mediation Association. You need to get things put on a more formal footing, for your DS's sake.

ilove · 08/02/2009 13:44

I think its time that your DS lived with you and had ccontact with his dad. What does he intend to do when he starts school???

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 13:44

I'd also say that our relationship has generally been reasonable but as I have seen today the moment I disagree and say so he shows his real side.

He's one of those people who is fine as long as the get their own way.

He thinks it's ok to do this as DS is with him on that day anyway..ie it's 'his' day. He doesn't get that this is a joint decision.

OP posts:
NAB09 · 08/02/2009 13:46

I don't see the point of your ex having the child if he sends him to nursery. Why doesn't he have weekend access instead?

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 13:50

I do work p/t as well though so I can't criticise on that score.

Mondays I don't work and DS goes to nursery Tue/Wed..and previously Thursday Friday although as I said XP has changed that without telling me until after he's done it.

XP also great at getting women to run round after him and do things like pick DS up from nursery because he is too busy. Grrr!

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 13:50

ilove - exactly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 13:51

Sorry last message not clear..I mean DS's step mum and his MIL.

OP posts:
NAB09 · 08/02/2009 14:01

It isn't the same as children living full time with their mum and the child goes to nursery. I assume the father doesn't see his child every day which is why I wondered why he bothered taking him if he was just going to send him to nursery.

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 14:06

The answer to that NAB would be that it's his time and he refuses to give it up. He has said that to me. His opinion, not mine.

OP posts:
libertybelle · 08/02/2009 14:13

Think this may mask a bigger plan! What will happen when your son goes to school? He will need to reside full-time with one of you then if you are so far apart.

Has your XP sent him to a nursery that feeds straight into an infant school? Maybe he is planning on sending your ds there in September....

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 14:18

Yes libertybelle I wouldn't be surprised. He just assumes all will go his way as per usual.

he can be very controlling

OP posts:
NAB09 · 08/02/2009 14:19

Does he mean it is his free time and he won't give that up, hence the nursery?

If so, clearly mad.

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 14:23

No sorry NABo I didn't make it clear. He means his time with DS.

But if he's so concerned about time with DS why is he putting him into nursery?

He can afford to work 4 days a week..and he earns a multiple of my rather paltry salary too.

OP posts:
NAB09 · 08/02/2009 14:25

No one is asking him to give up time with is child though are they?

BonsoirAnna · 08/02/2009 14:27

I'm very surprised that the new nursery would enrol your DS without both parents' agreement in writing. Can you contact the nursery and clarify the legal position here?

Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 14:29

No they aren't, and I'm certainly not but that's how he sees it.

he's such a frustrating person to deal with..it's really hard to explain on here. The best I illustration i can give..it's like talking to a brick wall.

At the end of the day he doesn't care what I think he wouldn't say it outright as he is too clever to do that but it shows in the way he acts and behaves.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 14:30

I will be contacing the new nursery, but I don't know the best way to go about it.

Knowing them he could have told them anything about me. Actually he probably has.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 08/02/2009 14:31

He hasn't even given me the bloody contact details either although I insisted he gives them to me and will continue to ask him until I get them.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 08/02/2009 14:34

But Janos, if you both have parental responsibility, you must both jointly agree to anything major concerning your DS.

Ring up the new nursery and ask them why they accepted your DS without your written agreement. If you are not happy with the explanation, tell them that they will be hearing from your solicitor very shortly.